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DEADFACE WALKING!: (06/01/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to the column that has my mom thinking I'll someday be maimed by wrestlers and wrestling fans for writing, DEADFACE WALKING~! As always, I'm Catherine Perez, here to offer you the sum of one million... um... words! That sounds about right. Let's get right into it, shall we?

After much over-glorified ballyhoo on Monday Night Raw, the major (and then epic) announcement from Vince McMahon turned out to be a desperate attempt to spike viewership by offering to give away the sum of a million dollars to fans. Yep, that's it. Well, there was also the draft announcement, but that isn't epic or major either. The most hilarious thing was the lack of audience reaction; Vince's announcement was met with the same enthusiasm and excitement as a Hardcore Holly main event. In fact, I'm almost certain that this disappointing announcement is the reason that two fans decided to jump the guard rail at both the Raw and Smackdown tapings. One guy charged into the ring after the Raw tapings with a sign to show to the section he was seated in. There's no word on whether the sign said "Shawn, can you pray for my gay soul again? Howard Stern won't invite me back to his show." I kid, of course. On the Smackdown side of things, some really drunk mid-30-something guy jumped the guard rail and attacked one of the Edgeheads and, in turn, Bam Neely proved his worth by pummeling the drunk with a really hard shot to the face before security stepped in. It's almost like I can forgive Bam for having a really stupid name now. People around the drunk guy said he was obviously shitfaced and out of control throughout the tapings. See what happens when you make lackluster announcements, Vince? I propose that those million dollars be spent on a new creative writing team, or launching Michael Hayes into Venus.

I'm a bit irked by the series of TNA's Abyss promos, looking like Bane got sent to Arkham Asylum (that's right, a female just made a Batman reference - wedding proposals can be sent to the e-mail address way below... okay, maybe it's not that cool. I digress.). Now, I'm well aware of the storyline here, so, in accordance to the storyline... what mental hospital doctor would let THAT GUY, cutting THOSE PROMOS, go "home"? If he's so cured of his mental ailments, why's he still in a straitjacket? Why's he still in a padded room? Why does he still sound like he needs his medication intake amplified by a few dozen milligrams? Who gave him a day pass to get tattoos done?! Okay, so maybe I'm reading way too much into these Abyss promos, but I think TNA should consult a fucking medical book (or, at the very least, Raven) next time they try this whole crazy wrestler thing.

While I'm mentioning unspeakable TNA horrors, I don't know if you guys have seen the TNA-edited music video to that song "Addicted" by 2006 American Idol cast-off - and I had to go all the way to Wikipedia to look this guy up - Ace Young, but So Cal Val thrusting herself on a Black Machismo'd Jay Lethal (you'd think he'd give up the persona before feeling up his fiancée in a way that implies they're about to have a night of steaming hot sex, but [ohhh] noooo) in a recreation of the original music video is absolutely nauseating to me. This video has more shots of Val's breasts than you can shake a stick at (and please don't shake your sticks anywhere near the Deadface Walking window, gentlemen), and these two feeling each other's legs and chests is the very last thing I needed to see ever. I'm glad Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth never rubbed up on each other as their wedding theme played back in '91. TOGETHERRRRRRR, WE'LL COP A FEEL FOREVERRRRR~! Dear God. Expect a snake-in-the-box in the mail, Val.

SPEAKING OF COPPING A FEEL (holy shit, my segües rule), there is a most disturbing and hilarious rumor - and I said RUMOR so as to avoid possible legal action and shanking - from a ProWrestling.net podcast saying that the main reason former head ECW writer Dave Lagana was fired ages ago was because he allegedly approached Kevin Thorn in the bathroom at some WWE show and offered to fellate him. Jesus tap dancing Christ. I'm pretty sure as of now that Dave Lagana is the head vampire that turned Thorn, based on three things: one, his firing led to the redebut of Kevin Thorn, Regular Schmo (unless I've got the timing wrong here); two, like a vampire, Lagana came out at night (ZING~!); and three, I just imagined the following conversation between him and Thorn:

Lagana: I want to suck your---
Thorn: ---blood?
Lagana: No.

Okay, so that was beyond cheesy, but you know you at least smiled. ADMIT IT. Anyway, Thorn complained to the Undertaker, of all people, about the incident. Undertaker then gave Thorn
this very look and went to Vince, who subsequently fired Lagana. Being of a wandering mind, I also just imagined Thorn and Undertaker concocting a plan to catch Lagana in the act, with Thorn luring Lagana to his Lost Boys-esque vampire hideaway via text message, to only find Undertaker under the sheets of Thorn's bed, taped fists and all (and I say "all" because Naked Undertaker is the scariest visual you can leave my column page with, and we don't need that). Yeah, so, the report also alleges that Lagana was a well-known pervert who also hit on developmental talent of both genders. Dave Lagana, ladies and gentlemen, the guy who could be a living incarnation of Family Guy's Quagmire. Giggity goo.

According to Gerweck.net, and this is hardly news to me, but several wrestlers have had it with Triple H and are described as being on "pins and needles" when it comes to him. Their unemployment notices will be arriving in the mail shortly. Many on the Raw roster would welcome and applaud drafting Triple H to Smackdown in exchange for Undertaker (which is supposedly being considered), but if his last drafting is any indication, Trips will be back a week after the fact. To me, this sounds like some bullshit rumor created to stir excitement in the draft after that fart-in-church reaction Vince's anno uncement got, especially considering the Gerweck site isn't crediting any reliable sources. In the slim chance that this is true, however, allow me to lend a helping hand to the suffering Raw roster. If it'll help to convince Trips into willingly leaving Raw, there are plenty of fresh new tag team faces to bury on Smackdown! Like... um... er... hang on while I check the Smackdown roster. CUE THE ELEVATOR MUZAK. (Insert long pause here.) OH YEAH! Deuce and Domino! Jesse and Festus! Chuck Palumbo and Crowd Apathy! Natalya and her Paris Hilton Lazy Eye! Who the fuck is Eve Torres? Clearly, Triple H will be hard pressed to avoid Smackdown's void-like pull. Repeat it with me, Trips: must destroy tag teams! Must destroy tag teams!

In an interview with The Sun, TNA's Homicide put down internet wrestling fans as "dorks" and "idiots", even going so far as to say that smarks deserve to be "shanked." Hear that, ROHbots? The guy you made popular wants to shank the entire ROH fanbase and then some. "America is a joke when it comes to wrestling fans," Homicide said. "I'm going to say it out loud. We got good wrestling fans and we got smart marks who are a bunch of idiots and dorks sitting at a computer and thinking they are better than a wrestler or a booker." Hey, I don't think I'm better than a wrestler or a booker, but I like to think people would generally like me a tiny bit more than, say, Vince Russo or Dutch Mantel, since I'm not the one who booked a Sting/Abyss match with a fucking casket descending from the ceiling. According to the interview, Homicide prefers the "respectful" smarks of the UK, and it's American smarks who need to be shanked. I find it hilarious that he feels so strongly about a bunch of "dorks" who make up a considerably large amount of TNA's and ROH's respective fanbases considering TNA and ROH do most of their promoting on their websites. Honestly, if the wrestling sites irk this guy to the point of wanting to threaten lives (well, I mean, the guy IS called Homicide), why bother reading? To make a bad analogy, recovering alcoholics don't constantly surround themselves with alcohol, do they?

An eBay auction offering dinner with Kevin Nash, which started at $2,300, ended on Monday night and failed to get a single bid, and I think it's because no steak dinner is worth that amount. Honestly, I think the entire TWF staff should have taken up this offer, if only for the hilarious "Our Night with Big Sexy" column that would have undoubtedly followed. Anyway, after this embarrassment, there are now reports that the auction itself was fake and Nash had nothing to do with it. MAN UP AND ADMIT IT'S YOURS, YOU PANSY. Why the hell would Nash want to spend time with some grab-ass smark who'd only ask questions about backstage politics anyway? "Wow, this is some really good steak. Kevin, why did you help kill WCW with the Finger-poke of Doom?" It'd only be the most awkward fucking dinner in the history of ever, and it'd just end in tragedy.

This week's least interesting news bit goes to Bill Goldberg, who has told yet another interviewer recently that he's done with pro wrestling. We get it, Goldturd, seriously. I don't understand how it's taking him YEARS to inform the media that he's done with wrestling, but perhaps that's just a testament to how little people truly cared about his departure from WWE. Keep an eye out for his announcement on the release of Santa's Slay, out in Wal-Mart bargain bins 2.5 years ago!



Let's get right into it with Melina and Batista. Once rumored to have had a relationship, and once paired into an incredibly short and incredibly terrible sexual harassment storyline, what kind of basketball-shaped hellion might have Melina birthed?

...

...

...

...


Yeesh. I had to ask. Something tells me she can hear me thinking right now.


Snitsky once loved feet, and found love with ones attached to Mae Young on one Wrestlemania night. I dare to ask, what would a Snitsky-Young hybrid hellspawn look like?

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Isaac Yankem 2: Electric (Ooga)Boogaloo~! Nice to see Snitsky ended up having the really... strong... genetics.

Although Marc Mero and Sable have long since divorced (and who can blame them when all they really had in common was a huge love for botox?), I can't help but wonder what their child would look like had ...

...

...

...

...


Jesus fucking Christ. I had to ask...



From the safety of our big, expensive studio, it's Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, I'm being joined by a pair of guys who strive to make money by any means necessary - JTG and Shad Gaspard, better known as CRYME TYME~! Welcome to my shoot segment, guys, it's a pleasure.

JTG: YoyoyoyoyoyoyoYO!
Shad: YO!
JTG: YO!
Shad: YO!
JTG: YO!
Shad: YO!

WHOA! Jesus Christ, a simple "hello" would've been fine. So, yeah, it's great to see you guys back in WWE after you were sent packing over a load of stupidity. How does it feel to have your jobs back?

JTG: Yo, ain't nothin' better than gettin' back to a company we can steal shit from and auction off.
Shad: Gotta have that AUCTION, AUCTION...

...

Both: AUCTION, AUCTION...

...

Both: AUCTION, AUCTION...

...
JTG: Um... you're supposed to say "YEAAAH, YEAAAH~!"

Oh... No. Anyway, let's delve a little into your kleptomania issues. All obvious stereotypical and racist black behavior undoubtedly penned by Michael Hayes aside, why do you guys insist on auctioning off items that don't belong to you?

Shad: Catherine, you never know when Vince will decide to let us go again, forcin' us to say goodbye to that hefty paycheck. We're just coverin' our bases.

I can't argue there. Why not sell your stolen goods on eBay?

Shad: What for? We've got people in the WWE crowds buyin' portraits of Elton John for $5, and they prob'ly don't even LIKE Elton John!

You probably would've gotten $20 from a guy who does on eBay.

Shad: ...
JTG: You should be our financial advisor, yo.

Eh... no, I don't think so. Since I mentioned Michael Hayes, what do you two think about his white supremacist, racist, ass-backwards remarks made to Mark Henry and about Punjabi Translator Guy and Barack Obama?

JTG: Yo, what I need to know is what's with all the racism amongst guys named Michael?
Shad: Michael Jackson ain't racist!
JTG: WHAAAAT? Michael Jackson turned white, that's the ULTIMATE racism!
Shad: But Michael made THRILLER~!

Wow. So, say Michael Hayes was ultimately fired. You think we'll end up seeing him touring comedy clubs and offending crowds?

JTG: Prob'ly tourin' Canadian comedy clubs after Obama's elected.
Shad: I think everybody should elect black presidents and prime ministers. Motherfucker'll have to get on the next ship to Mars. But not before we pawn that ship for some MONEY, MONEY...

...

Both: MONEY, MONEY...

...

Both: MONEY, MONEY...

...

Both: MONEY, MONEY...

...right. Okay, I've got a clip here of you two beating the shit out of Hayes in a dark alley in Brooklyn. Let's take a look~!

[Silence.]

Let's take a look~!

[Silence.]

What the hell? Where's the tape?!

JTG: [COUGH.]
Shad: We sold it before this show.

What?! Why?!

JTG: Don't you get it, yo? We're Cryme Tyme! We steal shit and sell it 'cause we need that MONEY, MONEY...

Oh, my God, not again. Why do I torture myself like this? That does it for this disastrous interview here. Join me next week... or don't, I don't blame you if you don't... where I conduct a special one-on-one therapy session with the heart and soul of the ECW we like, TOMMY DREAMER~!

JTG and Shad: MONEY, MONEY...

I give up.

And there's your weekly helping of Deadfacey goodness! Feel free to regurgitate any time. Also feel free to hit me up with some feedback via e-mail or
MySpace. While you're on TWF, make sure to check out this week's updates from the rest of the staff; One Night Stand is almost here, and what better way to pour salt over the wound than to relive last year's atrocity? Sean Carless does just that in his ONE NIGHT STAND 2007 RETRO RANT! At least there's pudding (now in VENEREAL DISEASE flavor~!) Cameron Burge returns with the RAW RANT. Vince is giving away one million dollars! I hear that's the same one million that Bobby Lashley complained about not getting after his Wrestlemania Trump match. Neil McGilloway brings us the ECW on SCI-FI RANT, where CM Punk loses yet again. Clearly, you're going to want to watch that THIS time. Matthew Folger returns not with deliciously hot coffee, but an all-new KNIFE-EDGE POPS! This week, Matt Damon takes on the role of Shawn Michaels in a heartbreaking (see what I did there?) biopic called Icon: The Shawn Michaels Story. Bring the Kleenex. Justin Shapiro gives us some RETRO HEAT. Goodbye, Heat; if it were a person, no one would attend its funeral. TWF's resident pharmacist Dr. Gonzo returns with more ACERBIC TREATS! Join the Doc as he gives us his take on Batista's least favorite sport, BASKETBALL, and the crazy-ass inclusion of aliens (not this in the latest Indy Jones flick. Last, but not least, Charley Martin brings us the TNA IMPACT RANT! AJ Styles seeks revenge, and he'll get right on that once Kurt Angle and the rest of the iMPACT roster stops beating his ass to the point of death. Aaand I'm out of here~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).