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DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/24/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to the column that likes to do hoodrat stuff with its friends, Deadface Walking! I'm your friendly neighborhood pessimist and professional slacker, Catherine Perez. This week's column is being written as I tough out a week-long bout with excrutiating back and leg pain, so excuse me if I sound exceedingly negative you filthy fucking cuntrags. So, yeah, let's get started!

Well, as everyone knows, Raw GM William Regal completely blew his biggest push ever after a 60-day drug suspension was served to him on Monday night. Regal's frankly the only guy in this situation that I've ever felt sorry for; I'm sure it's the charmingly arrogant British accent that wins me over like that. The poor guy has to bend over backwards to impress Vince because Vince isn't a fan of Regal's wrestling at all. His GM run has been a hell of a lot more memorable and interesting than the mess we got from Vince (who didn't like the Dating Game?). All that aside, violating the Wellness Policy is a serious matter unless you're Randy Orton and it really couldn't have happened at a worse time, as Regal himself knows. I think it's safe to say that his push is pretty much finished, which just sucks because, well, I really don't want Teddy Long's Michigan J. Frog dancing ass potentially running Raw. His stale character and freakish obsession with the Undertaker is too much for me to stomach. "I'll tell ya what I'm gon' do, playa. Tonight, I'm gon' put ya in a match against... UMAGA~! Man, it just ain't the same..." Lord help the both of us and keep Regal's GM run intact when he gets back.

Here's a little more on the Ashley Massaro escort service story. Apparently, Ashley fans have supposedly found a picture of the Ashley Massaro who resides in Las Vegas, and are swearing that this girl is a dead ringer for WWE's Ashley, and it's really her who's part of this entire mess. Glad we can put this whole thing behind us. BUT WAIT~! After two minutes of Googling, I have evidence that could prove that Vegas and New York Ashley are one and the same. Firstly, many people know that Ashley was previously a model for Hawaiian Tropic, even competing in their pageants. Ashley's fans found a picture of Vegas Ashley on a Hawaiian Tropic sister site,
TropicCalendar.com. Secondly, the very picture her fans provided shows that Vegas Ashley has a tattoo on the right of her pelvis. While it's a bit hard to make out, the tattoo looks like some sort of triangle with a stem jutting out diagonally. Like I said, after Googling a recent picture of Ashley, I found that she does indeed have a very painfully similar tattoo on the exact same spot on her body. Observe:


Not that it's worth anything, but also note that the tattoo has faded over time on the right, as she modeled between 2002 and 2005.


AwfulPlasticSurgery.com has noted that it is the same girl in both photos, and here's their reason: "They both have the same fake breasts that sit high, identical scar jaw lines and heavy masculine brows. The only difference are the lips on the right, which is are larger thanks to collagen. A little lip collagen does not make a person look completely different, nice try WWE fan club." Nice try, indeed. On top of all that, if you compare her pre-WWE Playboy shots, you'll see that the bikini model and she are definitely the same person. Man, I hope the FBI's offering reward money for information.

On June 7th, Sid Vicious (who I guess is most famous for breaking his leg in the worst possible way) will be headlining a show for the National Wrestling Alliance at the Philips Arena in Atlanta, Georgia. While his return to pro wrestling would seem like a most momentous happening within the wrestling industry, a whopping grand total of 28 - yes, 28 - tickets were sold on the first day they went on sale. This would be considered a sold-out show if it were held in a fucking sardine can, but the Philips Arena is known to seat up to 18,729 crowd members for basketball games. Take a minute to close your eyes and imagine 28 people peppered across this enormous arena, and just try to stop yourself from laughing uncontrollably. To say there's a low interest level for Sid's match would be an epic understatement, but the show will go on as planned. As of this writing, I'm sure there have been more tickets sold, but the fact that only 28 were sold on the first day is worthy of lifelong ridicule. Speaking of which, the only other "big" name advertised then was former WWE tag teamer Rob Conway, although X-Pac and the Rock & Roll Express have since been added to the card. Sounds like a hell of a card 20 years ago, doesn't it?

Speaking of guys from 20 years ago, the Iron Sheik has been kicked off of the Killers of Comedy tour for threatening physical harm against a midget by the name of Beetlejuice and throwing a drink at him. Beetlejuice is the little guy who got a Steiner Recliner from Scott Steiner during a late 2000 edition of Monday Nitro, and I think he does work on Howard Stern's show, but I don't listen to the radio so I wouldn't know. What could poor Beetlejuice possibly have done to piss off a giant hulking mass of Iron Sheik? Better question: what the hell is Sheik doing on a comedy tour? What asshole would pay to see Sheik stand on stage and embarrass himself immensely as he calls everyone he's ever come into contact with a "fahking pees a shet"... besides me? I mean really. And it's not like Beetlejuice can't defend himself against Sheik; all it takes is a swift punch to the balls to humble Sheik and also build a new reputation as the coolest midget of all time.

Speaking of former La Resistancers, Sylvain Grenier is currently working as a security guard for a Montreal night club. Something tells me this is the same night club where Chris Jericho found his sparkly wrestling attire. Fab-yoo-luss~! That being said... Must... not... make bad Pat Patterson joke... ah, fuck it, here goes: I hear Sylvain lets Patterson in through the back door sometimes~! ZING!!! I'm so ashamed, yet so amused. Let's just move on.

The Great Khali has claimed in a recent interview with an Indian news outlet that he has, get this, 12 signature wrestling moves. It almost seems plausible... I think I can list each and every one of those moves, too:

1.) Brain chop
2.) Head squash
3.) The Khali Shuffle
4.) Face... grab?
5.) Fuck, I'm out.
6.) Has he ever attempted a kick?
7.) A punch, perhaps?
8.) Man, I've even run out of ways to take up list space.
9.) Uh...
10.) Well, at least he sloths around the ring like a pro.
11.) And he yells unintelligibly with the best of 'em.
12.) Damn it, Khali, LEARN something!.

The Wrestling Observer Newsletter has reported that Bobby Lashley and Kristal Marshall are... *gag* expecting... *gag* their first child. What in the Maury Povich is this? Sweet Jesus be a Planned Parenthood class, this is some hilarious shit. I can't fathom lying naked in bed and staring up at Bobby fucking Lashley with that Shuar headhunter shrunken head and that toddler face of his making Michael Jackson feel like he can love grown folks again. Ah, I kid. Congratulations to the happy couple, and God help the doctors try to find that baby's tiny-ass head when it's time for delivery.

Network television stations, BEWARE! The Keibler Curse is claiming primetime sitcoms! The ABC Network has canceled their drama series, October Road several weeks after Stacy Keibler made a guest appearance. This marks the third ABC series to be canceled after a Stacy Keibler appearance, with others being George Lopez and What About Brian. Thankfully for other networks, Keibler is under contract to ABC and supposedly has a sitcom of her own in the works. In an interview with Parade.com back in March, Keibler said, "I have an ABC sitcom development deal, which is perfect, because I have a silly personality and love to make people laugh." And nothing makes me laugh more than her perpetual sitcom failures since casting off the pro wrestling industry as "some silly thing I used to do".

TNA had been planning on using Tammy Sytch in a major role up until a few weeks ago when a few TNA wrestlers did a wrestling convention with her, and came back with negative reports on her. No idea what these reports entail, but whatever happened, TNA doesn't give much of a rat's ass for her anymore. You know you've done something wrong when not even TNA wants to pick you off like the WWE and WCW fanboy vultures they are. Get your shit together, Tammy, seriously; rejection from TNA is the most embarrassing shit ever.

And because I can, this week's least important news bit goes to Nick "Not Hogan" Bollea, who's having a very tough time adjusting to life in prison. The New York Post says that Nick's doing "really bad", and can barely form sentences. Aaand how is that different from life outside of jail? Apparently the kid is sitting in a cell away from the general population due to threats. Nick gets no sympathy from me. In fact, I can't wait until he snaps four months into his sentence and gets transfered to some maximum security psychiatric hospital. Now there's an awesome story; I can even make a great column segment out of that. In the meantime, here's a segment that's known to irritate your bowels...



That's right, I decided to keep this segment. Let's begin this week with the lucky couple with the pre-marital baby bump, Bobby Lashley and Kristal Marshall! With a face synonymous with infancy, will Lashley's strong facial features creep into their baby's DNA?

...

...

...

...


Sweet Jesus, be a chastity belt and a brown paper bag! Kristal went and gave birth to Lashley's funhouse mirror reflection!

The Undertaker and Michelle McCool have been photographed hanging out together on numerous occasions, even being spotted at a jewelry store. What might this all-American grim reaper look like if they mated?

...

...

...

...


She's got a bit of a Rudy Giuliani look to her. Are we sure it's Undertaker that Michelle mated with?

Although she's about 12 years his junior, the love shared by ECW diva Kelly Kelly and retired WWE star-turned-indy star-turned-WWE star-turned-TNA star-turned-retiree Andrew "Test" Martin is REAL, and so are their apparent animal-like features. What would their child look like?

...

...

...

...


Huh. Imagine that. Have fun getting THAT thing through the birth canal, Kelly.



Don West, you piece of shit, you sold us out!

West: I had to, Catherine Perez! It was compelling, DISTURBING footage, Catherine Perez!

IT WAS MY FOOTAGE~! What? We're on? Oh. Ahem. Welcome back, Shoot fans, to Hey Man Nice Shoot: "Where's Abyss?", coming to you from Universal Studios, the cesspool of America! Last week, I received a couple of tapes in the mail with no return address. As it turns out, these tapes were of Abyss, the very guy we're looking for, sitting around and being a crazy little bitch. Of course, stupid retard DON WEST HERE went and aired the tapes on TNA iMPACT ---

Undertaker: Dumbass.
ODB: Not cool, man.
Black Machismo: Ohhhhh no~!
Hulk Hogan: Who's Abyss again, dude?
Kane: My shameless mini-me, that's who.
Curry Man: Konichiwa, bitches~!
Um, right. Don, you're a complete asshole and I hate you more than ever.

West: Please forgive me, Catherine Perez. I didn't think it'd be such a big deal, Catherine Perez, not quite like my DEAL OF THE DAY where you can buy eight copies of Slammiversary 2007 for the ASTONISHING price of $8.99!
Hogan: Seriously? Dude, I can totally buy those and send them to Nick to entertain himself, brother.

I don't think jail works like that, dude. Anyway, after close inspection of the tapes in question, we've come to the conclusion that Abyss is hiding out in TNA's very own studio, Soundstage 21. Smart guy, that Abyss...

West: That's the "iMPACT Zone", Catherine Perez.
Hogan: I don't think so, brother, that's the original American Gladiators soundstage!
West: iMPACT Zone, Hulk Hogan.
Hogan: Gladiators soundstage, brother.
West: iMPACT Zone, Hulk Hogan.
Hogan: Gladiators soundstage, brother.
West: iMPACT Zone, Hulk Hogan.
Hogan: Gladiators soundstage, brother.

Shut the fuck up, both of you. It's the Nickelodeon GUTS studio, end of. Now, to you TNA guys... what the hell gives? How can Abyss be in that building without any of you knowing it?

Black Machismo: It's kinda hard to listen to anguished screams when Don here is emitting sound from his 50-inch face. OHHHH YEE-UH!

I can't argue with that. Well, without any further ado, I say we go in there and find Abyss, so I can finally wash my hands of you assholes forever.

???: OH, TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKERRRRR~!
Undertaker: Damn it.

[Michelle McCool runs up to Undertaker with a small black bag.]

Michelle: Baaabyyyyy, you forgot your extra pair of tighty whiteys! I trailed you guys all the way from Death Valley to get you these. You know you have your little accidents when you summon otherworldly demons and such!
Everyone within earshot: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Undertaker: Oh my God...

[Suddenly, all of Universal Studios goes pitch black. Don't ask how; this is numinous shit here. As the light returns, Undertaker seems to have vanished into thin air.]

I think that's our cue to leave. Thank you for bringing Undertaker the undies, Michelle; I'll try my damndest to not report this to the Wrestling Observer.

[Minutes later, the team arrives in an empty Soundstage 21.]

ABYSS? Uh... I got the tapes! Sooo... we're here to rescue you or whatever! ...UHHHHH-BYYYYYYYSSSSSSSS~!

Kane: Maybe he's dead. Stupid bastard went and took his mask off, and now look what's happened to him. Oh well, let's go home.

Don't be such an ass. He's gotta be here somewhere. SAY~! Abyss is a whole lot like you, Kane. Where would you retreat after taking your mask off?

Undertaker: Over to my house to cry like a bitch for a week.
Kane: HEY, FUCK YOU, BUDDY.

Taker, your disappearing act scares the shit out of me. Now, seriously Kane, where would you go?

Kane: I'd go to the boiler room, of course.

OF COURSE. Don, you guys have a boiler room, right?

West: Sure we do, Catherine Perez! We're not poor, you know.

Well, where is it?

???: Through the tunnel, across the right hallway and down the left stairs.

Who said that?

Curry Man: Up there! Er, I mean, konichiwaaaaa!

Sting? What the hell are you doing up there?

Sting: I, um, I'm waiting on the next set of iMPACT tapings.

Wow. Do you go home at all?

Sting: Not since Abyss threatened my life after I revealed his super secret, um, secret.

Ah. Well, um, okay. We'll be going down to the boiler room, then. Care to join us?

Sting: Hell no. I hear Abyss was burned as a child, and mutilated faces give me the shits.
Undertaker: Heh, I hear ya.
Kane: DOES THE GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT EVER END?! I'm so going to write a nasty entry in my journal tonight.

Gentlemen---

ODB: AHEM.

--- and ODB... lets head to the back and find Abyss!

[Downstairs, the entire team walks down the incredibly long and seemingly endless hallway as Don West serenades them to pass the time.]

West: 86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer! You take one down and PELE KICK IT RIGHT. IN. THE. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!! 85 bottles of beer on the wall!

Sweet Jesus be a rag and a bottle of chloroform. And what is with this long hallway? What is this; a WWE pre-commercial leisure walk?!

???: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

ODB: Hey, that kinda sounds like Abyss!

We must be close! Which door goes to the boiler room?

[Jim Cornette exits his office and starts hollering at the top of his lungs. I think he calls that "whispering".]

Cornette: WHAT IN THE SAM HILL ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE? TAPINGS DON'T START UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT! STOP CAUSING ME STRESS, DANG IT, MY VEINS ARE JUST ABOUT GOOD AND READY TO START BURNIN' UP IN A HOT MINUTE WITH A FIERY RAGE.
Kane: STOP MOCKING ME!!!

[Kane runs off, crying.]

Cornette: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Mr. Cornette, sir, we have reason to believe that Abyss is hiding out in the boiler room.

Cornette: WHAT? WELL GET HIM THE HELL OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE RUNS UP THE HEAT BILL~! WELL GET GOIN' ALREADY, DON'T MAKE ME START YELLIN'!!!

[Everyone hurries into the boiler room.]

Hogan: ....THERE'S NO HULKAMANIACS HERE~!

No one said there were, R-tard. Wow, it's dark in here. Somebody find a light switch.

[As if on cue, the light switches on to reveal MIKE TENAY~! sitting on a set that resembles his terrible interview segments, with a restrained Abyss sitting beside him.]

Jesus Christ! What the hell's all this?!

West: What the hell are you doooooing, Mike Tenay?
Tenay: You assholes just couldn't stay away, could you? You just HAD to come TO THE BACK and ruin my plans!

Plans?

Tenay: That's right! It was all part of my plan! The night Abyss removed his mask, it suddenly dawned on me that an EXCLUSIVE interview with Abyss would be just the ticket to leave this TNA dump and go after my TRUE calling as a talk show host! So I cracked a bottle over Abyss's head and brought him here! I restrained him so he wouldn't leave and give my exclusive interview away to some hack like you, Catherine! I knew you'd come finding Abyss for that interview, so I made Abyss tape a couple of shitty segments and I sent them ou t to you! HAHAHA! I lured you here!!!

Um... what for? Seriously? What's the point?

Tenay: Point? This is TNA, kid; there IS no point! BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM GETTING MY EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!

[Tenay charges at the entire team at a sloth-like pace, allow for much time for everyone to collectively kick him square in the balls. Tenay squeals and crumbles to the floor.]

You know, this is the most incredibly lame pay-off of all time. Someone get Abyss out of that stupid jacket.

Abyss: Hey, uh, seriously though? Thanks a lot. I was getting really tired of watching his Exclusive Interview Highlight Reel.

[ODB frees Abyss from the straitjacket, after which Abyss gets to his feet and heads for the door.]

Black Machismo: So-uhhhh, that's it? Where're you going to go?
Abyss: I'm going to go shave my head and adorn my cranium with a towel. See you at Slammiversary.
Kane, from really fucking far away: GIMMICK INFRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGEMEEEEEEEEENT!!!

[Cut to the Hey Man, Nice Shoot studio, where Vince Russo is holding up a storyboard to an incredibly bored Catherine.]


Russo: And THAT'S how I'm going to open up the Slammiversary pay-per-view. So whaddaya think?

Vince, you're the biggest fucking moron on any hemisphere. American Idol-style wrestler auditions? WHY? You can't use the Kane and Undertaker characters, Hulk Hogan hates TNA, and why the hell is Mike Tenay that hellbent on getting interviews? God damn it, Vince, I can't sign off on this crap! Get the hell out of my face and don't come back until you turn into the fucking Charles Dickens of pro wrestling scripts!

Russo: YOU NEVER GIVE ME A CHANCE!!!

[Russo grabs his shitty storyboards off the floor and runs away crying.]

Assface. Join me next week for another edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot, where I will be interviewing JTG and Shad Gaspard - CRYME TYME~!

And that does it for this week's Deadface Walking. Congratulations on making it all the way to the end! Feel free to send feedback on this week's shenanigans via e-mail or
MySpace. Make sure to check out all of the great updates of the week over on the main page, and if you've got a charitable bone in your body (or a lonely dollar in your otherwise abandoned PayPal accounts), do me a huge favor and donate to my Send Catherine to Wrestlemania or Get Cancer of the Cock Fund; it's obviously for a very good cause, and you get a sweet 'Mania Weekend column in return. And like a pair of saline titties, I've gotta bounce. Toodles~!



SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).