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DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/10/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to the column that plumps when you cook it (what the hell is that supposed to mean?), DEADFACE WALKING! If you scream it, it sounds really important. And obnoxious. I'm your esteemed hostess and insomniac extraordinaire, Catherine Perez. I'd like to thank everyone who's donated towards my Send Catherine to Wrestlemania 25 or Get Cancer of the Cock Fund so far. It's good to know that people do actually read my dumbass ramblings all the way through. I've still got a long way to go before I have the full amount, so, again, any amount of money is greatly appreciated whether it's 50 cents or 5 dollars. Without any further ado, let's begin with the funniest news I've read in a while.

Here's what been going on so far in the world of the Bella Models bust, in case you haven't exactly been following. Despite Ashley Massaro's denial of being involved with the escort service and the rumors of there being another girl named Ashley Massaro (not exactly the most common name, mind you) in Las Vegas, Rolling Stone's contributing editor and writer of the article, Michelle Grigoriadis, recently said that, "Obviously, I stand by my story. Massaro is named in an FBI search warrant that was executed on Michelle Braun's property in October, 2007. I have no knowledge of another woman by the same name." God damned doppelgangers... An
outdated webpage on the Bella Models site lists Ashley (who is from Long Island, NY) from New York City, not Las Vegas, as one of their escorts. Unfortunately, every picture on the page is linked to broken links, so we can't see if it truly is Ashley. Interestingly enough, around the time when news of this outdated page broke, Ashley left a blog on her MySpace thanking her fans for being supportive, and made no effort to defend herself from the recent findings. Now, I personally won't hold that against her, but no one's heard of any Ashley Massaro from Las Vegas so far, and when a high-priced escort service is charging $25,000 for a night with Ashley, why believe that any guy would pay some near-nobody model like Las Vegas Ashley that much when there's New York City, then- Playboy Cyber Girl, former Wild On! (E! Network) hostess, going out with guys like the drummer from Simple Plan Ashley? Rolling Stone Magazine isn't exactly the National Enquirer, and as far as I've heard, Michelle Grigoriadis has a fantastic track record. YOUR MOVE, ASHLEY.

Nick Bollea, the asswipe son of Hulk Hogan, has been sentenced to 8 months in jail, 5 years of probation, and 500 hours of community service after pleading no contest to felony reckless driving charges. Finally; I'm sick of seeing Nick's face all over news sites like CNN.com. On top of everything, Hulk Hogan went and wore a black do-rag to the sentencing. Fantastic choice, brother. It is okay to forget about the Hogan family now?

Torrie Wilson has been given the boot from WWE after chronic back pain pretty much ended her wrestling career for now. I don't think this is much of a loss; WWE has throngs of big-chested blondes ready and willing to take her place. Besides, what use is a diva who can't lie on her back for prolonged amounts of time? AM I RIGHT? HIGH-FIVE! Anyone? Hello?

TNA's complex Deuces Wild tag team tournament concept is actually a simplified version of the concept they were to promote. The original concept couldn't get by Don West because he couldn't understand it. Sources say the idea's still trying to make its way around West's 50-inch cranium, so don't be surprised if West randomly says "Ohhh, I get it now~!" during a TNA broadcast weeks or even months from now. I'll give West the benefit of the doubt, since even I'm still not exactly sure of how the whole thing works, but I think I get the fact that random wrestlers are getting paired into tag teams. Fantastic... I think. TNA, seriously, enough with the convoluted gimmick matches. It makes me nervous knowing that a really intricate Reverse Tag Team On a Pole Battle Royal, where wrestlers must fight for the right to enter the ring and retrieve Brothers Ray and Devon from a forklift (HEY, THAT'S NO POLE~!), is just around the corner.

The Great Khali shockingly garnered tons of media coverage over all the buzz he's caused over in India. Some people are actually comparing his homecoming to Beatlemania; after all, both of them end with
a toot and a snore... or perhaps just the snore as far as Khali goes. Fans swarmed Khali from all sides, so much that he had to leave an Indian hotel because of all the people who were just dying to see him. I'm actually shocked that fate has allowed me to type that last sentence. Even though Khali took a year-long leave from his job as a police officer in 2006 for "medical" reasons, and even though the Punjab Armed Police struggled to determine whether or not to punish him for ditching work, he actually just got a promotion. I'm speechless. This guy is without a doubt the Hulk Hogan of Punjab, and it's all WWE's fault, what with their tireless efforts to edit WWE TV in India to make Khali look like a good guy. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELVES?! Well, if anything, this all at least paved the way for Khali making one of the funniest statements of the year, telling reporters that, "Everything whatever you see out there [in pro wrestling] is real. Sometimes wrestlers receive serious injuries, and even die on the ring. There is no way of manipulation by media." And if there's one thing Khali knows about, it's death in the ring!

The Toronto, Ontario, Canada crowd booed Lilian Garcia on Monday night after she welcomed them to the Air America Centre, when it's actually called the Air Canada Centre. How dare those people boo a woman who's probably suffered a few head injuries at the hands (well, feet) of Charlie Haas and his intensely not-push-worthy missile dropkick?! Lilian went ahead and made it up to everyone by singing O Canada. I hope you're all happy, you evil Bizarro World pricks.

Dwayne Johnson has told Mens Journal Magazine that "The Rock is dead." It looks like Johnson has no intention on making a comeback to pro wrestling, which is both good and bad. On one hand, I'd love to see Johnson in the ring one more time, but on the other hand, who the hell wants to see The Rock come back to feud with such a watery-thin main event roster? Triple H? Seen it. John Cena? Has potential, but would Vince ever risk Cash Cow Cena's overwhelming popularity to wane in favor of Johnson? JBL? Get the fuck out of here with that mess. Randy Orton? Not unless people want to truly see how bad Orton's mic skills are against a guy whose middle name should've been Charisma. That being said, I think I'll add Orton vs. Rock to my list of dream matches.

WWE have made amendments to their drug testing policy. RUN, MIKE KNOX~! The new rule states that WWE talent (ladies too) must be nude from their ankles to their nipples while a monitor watches them piss. This rule was made so no one would cheat with a
Whizzinator, which, I hear, is the reason Afa Anoa'i Jr. was suspended. This new testing policy has upset many of the wrestlers, which I find to be kind of mind-boggling considering many of the males wrestle in nothing but tiny tights, and a bunch of the ladies have shown off their naked bodies to millions of Playboy-subscribed horndogs. I'm sure pissing in front of someone while stark naked is pretty fucking embarrassing, though. And I thought the Whizzinator was supposed to be undetectable and foolproof like the website states.

Shane Douglas told people at a wrestling convention this past weekend that he rejected WWE's offer to announce for ECW. Oh, sure, leave ECW viewers to suffer under the perpetual suck that is Mike Adamle! I still don't understand how guys like Douglas work at Target while fucknuts like Adamle get to enjoy six-figure incomes for doing absolutely nothing of value.

Speaking of Adamle, what the hell was that on Monday night? I couldn't tell if Adamle was trying incredibly hard to suck ass on commentary, or if Jerry Lawler was really cranking up the running joke of pointing out all of Adamle's faults, but it's looking like a mixture of both. It's getting to the point where it's hardly funny anymore. It's kind of like when Dave Chappelle began impersonating rapper Lil' Jon and screamed "YEAH! OKAY! WHAT?!"; it was hilarious in a gut-busting way until all our dumbass high school friends and co-workers started quoting it. Adamle's Lil' Jon, we're the laughing audience, and the WWE Creative Team is the slew of dumbasses who take the absolute piss out of a genuinely funny gag until it becomes so annoying that you want to throw them all into the nearest polluted mass of water. Oh, well. At least we got to see Jim Ross sitting in a chair looking like he'd just been spanked and sent to his room for being a naughty boy... which is the world's worst mental image to go to bed with. Sweet dreams, everyone.

The National Enquirer, you know, the leading source of upstanding journalism, has recently published a story on Hulk and Linda Hogan's divorce, and it goes so far as to claim that Hulk has been using HGH for years. But that's not all~! The article also says Hogan uses Viagra! WHAAAAAT? This story would probably hold a little more water to it if it weren't written by the same grab-asses who are continuously sued for libel. And, really, people still read the Enquirer?

And here's your least important news bit of the week: WWE has admitted that Floyd Mayweather wasn't really paid $20 million for Wrestlemania. WWE fans have admitted that they never really gave a rat's ass. Seriously, who cares? Wrestlemania ended up having less buyrates than last year anyway - 200,000 less, to be exact.

Okay, so I'm having a bit of a creativity block with Hey Man, Nice Shoot. WAIT, DON'T HIT THAT BACK BUTTON YET. To compensate for this week's lack of Shooty goodness, I'm going to shamelessly take a page out of the Conan O'Brien playbook and bring you...



What? It's not like Conan's ever going to do a WWE edition. Anyway, let's start with Edge and Vickie Guerrero, who have been grossing audiences out for months now with their unbridled love. What would their kid look like?

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Sweet Jesus. Apparently, Edge and Vickie share genetics with Test and Jim Carrey.

Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have surprisingly created a pretty little girl in Aurora Rose. Now that Steph's pregnant again, will their next kid catch the brunt of their DNA cesspool?

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Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to your future WWE World Heavyweight... erm... Women's... Champion. Well, at least she's got that "come hither" stare.

Big Daddy V and Lilian Garcia were once sort-of-madly in love with each other. Had Big Vis not have left her for those Godfather hos, what love spawn might they h ave unleashed upon the earth?

...

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Oh snap, it's
Countess Vaughn from The Parkers~!

And that's all for this week's Deadface Walking! As always, feedback is appreciated and can be sent via e-mail or
MySpace. Be sure to check out all of this week's great updates, which I will list here for your convenience 'cause I'm nice like that: I bring you Deadface Walking from a mere few days ago! Cameron Burge gets to report another mass ass-stomping from Triple H on the RAW RANT! It was a sight we'll always behold again! Neil McGilloway returns with the ECW on SCI-FI RANT. It's ECW's 100th episode, celebrating of course 100 episodes and 100 fans that tune out forever each week. Sean Carless brings a triple threat of Retro Rants for JUDGMENT DAY 2003, JUDGMENT DAY 2004, and JUDGMENT DAY 2005~! It's three times the wrath of God rolled up into one Apocalyptic hellfest. We truly must have done something wrong to deserve two JBL main events. Finally, relatively new guy Esben Evans dusts off the cobwebs on the company that brought us MENG, THE YETI, and BILLY KIDMAN with MONDAY NITRO: THE LOST RECAPS!. Relive a night where Hacksaw Jim Duggan and his trusty 2x4 wrestle in an obscure match, and Hulk Hogan no-sells! I swear it wasn't taped in the last two years. And now I shall take my leave of you. Toodles~!



SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).