The push Mickie James is currently receiving was originally going to go to Ashley Massaro. Amazing; WWE have finally made a good call. I was actually pretty worried when I had read that Ashley was due for a women's title reign. They could have given Ashley's push to a gorilla and I still would've been happy. Was this not the most perfect segue into...THIS?! A number of Playboy Playmates, Maxim models, porn stars, and WWE's very own Ashley are among the women linked to a high-end L.A. escort service called Bella Models, says the new issue of Rolling Stone Magazine (the one with the girls from The Hills on the cover). The escort service, run by a woman named "Nici", would set rich clients up with these women for up to $25,000 a night for their, um, services. The article makes note of the fact that Nici isn't the only person making these claims; the FBI tracked down e-mails where Bella Models made travel arrangements for Ashley and other girls. The escort service was taken down by the FBI, and Rolling Stone felt free to list several escorts' names, one being that of Ashley's (who even gets a picture and a listing as "WWE star and Playboy cover girl"). Ashley has mentioned in her MySpace blog that the story is bullshit, and she is contacting her lawyer over the matter. In an interesting twist, Dave Meltzer reports that there is a bikini model named Ashley Massaro who lives in Las Vegas, who is actually younger than WWE's Ashley, except the two supposedly look quite similar and could have been mixed up. Uh huh, and I look like Katherine fucking Heigl. I can't wait to see how this crazy story pans out.
"Fire Mike Adamle" signs have been confiscated by security at recent Smackdown and ECW tapings, with three being taken away in Greensboro, North Carolina. What shit; where's the harm in threatening a man's employment? Oh. Still, even Adamle knows he sucks, as evidenced by some guy named Billy with the unfortunate last name of Krotchsen. Billy had told Adamle that he's doing a great job as ECW announcer, only for Adamle's reaction. Adamle supposedly made a face and replied, "Well, it's getting there." It's unknown if the 'there' in question is "to half-steaming shit level", but, in all seriousness, it's good to know that Adamle isn't kidding the fans or himself about how not great he is. As much as Adamle sucks, it's good to see that WWE pretty much counteracted said suck by slapping Mick Foley next to Michael Cole on Smackdown. Now if we could do away with Cole himself...
In a move that has me wondering why security should be confiscating "Fire Adamle" signs anyway, WWE looks to be feeding off everyone's dislike for Adamle and putting it into some kind of angle that began with Tazz and Adamle doing what most of the audience should: walking out on ECW fifteen minutes before the show's ending on Tuesday. It has recently come to light that there was a fan heckling the shit out of Adamle at the show, asking how many mistakes he'd be making on the show that night. A WWE tech guy threatened to throw the kid out if the heckling continued. So, let me get this straight; we, the wrestling fans, gave Adamle some fucking direction by being the basis of his new angle, but now that the story is "WWE fans hate Mike Adamle", wrestling fans suddenly have to stop giving Adamle shit? Pathetic. No idea what this is going to develop into, but chances are it'll have the worst pay-off since Vince's Bastard Son. Be afraid, European hotel management! The Europe Hotel Massacre lives on! Sometime around April 18th, Randy Orton angrily hurled room service food at hotel staff for daring to wake him up earlier than he wanted to be awakened. Good to know anger management is paying off so well. Ironically enough, Orton recently told the Baltimore Sun in an interview that he feels like a better person for "finally" pulling his head out of his ass, since he's going to be a dad in July. Really, Randy? What tells me otherwise is the fact that Orton laughed his way back to his room, most likely in his slow-motion monotone voice: "Ha. Haha. Haaaaaaa. Man. That's. Hil. Ari. Ous." A crippling case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion if I've ever heard one.
TNA seriously expressed disappointment over last week's typical 1.0 rating, especially since the main event featured Samoa Joe taking on Kurt Angle. WHAT?! What TNA fails to realize here is that they're going to have a terrible time getting more people to actually watch their shows if they're not willing to address their major problems, the biggest one being their horrible storylines and their unwillingness to actually market their stars outside of fucking YouTube. Wrestlemania didn't turn into a monstrous franchise by word of mouth, that's for fucking sure. Did I just compare TNA iMPACT to Wrestlemania? A lobotomy's looking real good right about now.Rhaka Khan will be left out of TNA's latest trading card set after the head of the trading card company was furious to find that some of the autographed signatures on Khan's cards looked forged, with "Rhaka" and "Khan" misspelled on them. Khan explained that signing all those cards had bored her, and she began to experiment with her handwriting to entertain herself. I think the real tragedy here is the fact that TNA thinks anyone is going to buy a fucking Rhaka Khan card. That's like assuming people want to see Dustin Rhodes wrestle, or that people are enthralled by the fact that RELLIK is KILLER backwards. I'd love to meet someone who is truly a fan of Rhaka Khan's entirely forgettable TNA run thus far.
The Sandman passed out at a 2CW show in Syracuse, NY on April 12th. Fans described Sandman as a mess, mumbling on the microphone when he spoke. Sandman worked a short match before hitting the sack, which must have been a hell of a spectacle for the crowd. Spike Dudley had to come out to help Sandman to the back, and I just can't bring myself to believe that little Spike Dudley actually lugged that big guy any distance. Unfortunately, the 100 fans who wanted photos with Sandman would have to settle for the Blue Meanie, who then came out and started signing autographed and talking with the fans. Hey, I'd much rather chat with a coherent Meanie than be mistaken for a giant, talking beer by Sandman. Dear god.
And now... (cue drumroll) your least important news bit of the week! Jonathan Coachman's contract is set to expire with the next couple of months, and it looks like he might be leaving to work full-time for the MSG Network. Hey, that's... um... sad to hear? I'm just saying, it's not like WWE will be putting together a Ric Flair-sized farewell segment for him anytime soon. Seriously.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!