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DEADFACE WALKING!: (03/01/08)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, America's number one source for infrequent mentionings of Rob Van Dam's ass, or so I'd like to believe. I'm Catherine Perez, the only hair-related warrior - MOHAWK~! Warrior to be exact. Move over, Jeff Hardy and your shitty action figure with your gaping hole of a mouth catching the very flies you swat as you make your entrance! Alright, alright, I'll stop bashing Hardy during my intros... NEVER. BWAHAHAHAHA. BWA! HAHAHA.

I don't know if you guys were paying attention to Vince McMahon's rambling on Monday (and if you weren't, I don't blame you), but during his segment, which I feel like calling Carry On, My Wayward Bastard Son, he said the following: "For the first time in my life, I made a mistake." To this I say, "AU CONTRAIRE~!" because I like to seem really smart by spouting off French words. I snickered to myself, knowing that Vince's statement is full of shit of the "bull" persuasion, and within minutes, I was thinking that, perhaps this idiotic statement was said just for me and other IWC kiddies to take the piss out of. Take the piss out of it I shall, for I have compiled a list of mistakes Vince has made - you know, just the ones that came to mind. Hell, I could turn this into a column in itself, and I probably will someday, so don't jack my idea and cart it off to TWF's Guest Columns page like you're awesome and witty. Anyway, on to my list; Vince has, in fact, made tons of mistakes in his seemingly endless life, including but not limited to:

1.) XFL. As Stan Lee would say, "'Nuff said."
2.) Not ordering the truck monkeys to switch to a different camera after William Regal's dick infamously poked out to say hello.
3.) Hiring Stephanie.
4.) Okaying "Snow (Hey Oh)" as Wrestlemania's theme. I hear next year's theme will be "Harper Valley PTA" by Jeannie C. Riley.
5.) Tearing his quad after attempting to slide into the ring. Silly Vince, sliding's for underutilized cruiserweights~!
6.) Mocking Congress. CONGRESS!
7.) ECW '06. Again, 'nuff said.

I can go on and on and on until the end of time, but I think I've made my point here. Hell, feel free to send your own in, and not because I want you to do my dirty work for me. Not even.

Floyd Mayweather is supposedly receiving a $20 million payoff at Wrestlemania. Somewhere, Bobby Lashley is angrily stomping about as he coos obscenities in his soft-spoken voice. Bubba the Love Sponge (a distant cousin of Spongebob, I'm sure) recently commented on this enormous sum of cash, saying that he knows from a very reliable source (whoever
"Rob Molly" is... har har har) that Mayweather isn't earning anywhere near that ridiculous amount of cash, hinting that it was merely a made-up number for publicity. It's a good thing, too; WWE wouldn't really pay some asshole who can't wrestle that much money, would they [/Sarcasm II: Electric Boogaloo]?

Speaking of wasting money, Judas Mesias is supposedly done with TNA. Awww, and I really thought the guy had something unique to bring to the table [/immense fucking sarcasm]. TNA apparently couldn't justify paying Mexican Undertaker (Undergardener?) $1,300 per match, and, hell, who can disagree? The guy has absolutely no presence, and why pay him so much when TNA's still got RELLIK~! It's KILLER backwards, you know, and I may or may not have been paid by TNA to mention this every time I mention Rellik... whose name is Killer backwards. Okay, I haven't been paid, but I'm straying from my point here. TNA is engulfed in hideous monster gimmicks - Black Reign, Abyss (who's returning to normalcy in a few months as Not Monstrous Chris Parks), Don West - why waste valuable dollars on another?

Disco Inferno - you know, the guy WCW guy who infrequently pops up in TNA much to the chagrin of everyone - has recently said in a blog that one of the top reasons for Raw's low ratings is, get this, the return of Chris Jericho. Say what? How the hell does something that happened in an attempt to bring up ratings (and, hell, it didn't) contribute to already established low ratings that haven't gone any lower since the very event? Lord, try saying all that ten times fast. Anyway, we all know that the Save_Us.222 campaign was dragged way the hell out, but I will go ahead and say that I'm damn sure that none of you Raw viewers tuned out when Jericho finally appeared in his flashy stripper vest unless you switched the channel to avoid going blind. But honestly, as long as Inferno's name isn't Nielsen I'd advise that he sit down and have himself a nice, tall glass of "Shut the fuck up, you dancing jobber bastard" - now in lemon flavor~!

John Cena is giving Dwayne Johnson a piece of his thugtastic mind in an interview with The Sun, where he states that the way Johnson doesn't give anything back to the wrestling fans pisses him off. Feast your eyes on this: "He is a genuinely nice guy and a fantastic human being. What I kind of get peeved about, and this is my Achilles heel, is that I've wanted to do this my whole life. Rock falls into that category. At one point he loved wrestling and wanted to do this all his life, so explain to me why he can't come back. Simply put, it's because he wants to be an actor and there's nothing wrong with that. He's very good and very successful. Associating with sports entertainment doesn't do much for his acting career. I get it. Just don't fuck me around and tell me that you love this. That's the only thing that gets me really pissed off. Our fan base has so much admiration for him - he's got to respect that. He doesn't give anything back." Message boards subsequently blew the hell up with Rock fans, the very ones who bitch and whine about him "abandoning" us all, bitching and whining about Cena needing to "know his role and shut his mouth." On top of that, some of the older guys in WWE are pissed at Cena for even speaking his mind on such a subject. Ha. I think this can go both ways here. Here's my two cents: You could practically see the cogs turning in Dwayne Johnson's cranium halfway through The Scorpion King, the very moment where he realized that he likes acting way more than he likes wrestling - and like Cena said, there's no problem with that... unless you're an amnesiac Hulk Hogan who thinks he's Santa Claus. Johnson has had a successful movie career if you pretend he never starred in Doom, and why should we be so selfish as to beg for his WWE return, to come back to something he's not interested in anymore? After all, we're only the unimportant Rock fans who went to see The Scorpion King and helped it gross $164,529,000 world-fucking-wide, thus launching Johnson into stardom, that's all. I'm willing to bet that half of Rock's film fans are either former or current wrestling fans, too. As selfish as it sounds, I think this guy owes his career to us, and, while it may seem like a step backwards, I don't think one more run in WWE is so much to ask of a guy of Johnson's athletic capabilities. We got him a giant fucking house and awesome cars - it's only fair that he at least wrestles one more match... or buy me... er, us, a giant 6-bedroom house and a Toyota Scion XD. My other opinion is this: I think it's way unprofessional to bash a guy in an article in what seems to be some kind of way to say "Hey, look, I made a movie too, but you don't see ME~! walking out on my fans. Gawwwwd, I'm awesome." Newsflash: Cena is not awesome, and The Marine was dog shit that made Doom look like a Godsend. Perhaps he can try making $164,529,000 (or even $64,000,000) on one of his piece-of-shit films before he tries making himself look like some kind of pro-wrestling beacon of light, the jealous little bitch. I probably contradicted myself real bad here, but it made for an entertaining read, right? Right? Hello?

By the way, Dwayne Johnson will be inducting daddy Rocky Johnson and grandpa Peter Maivia into the WWE Hall of Fame. You just know that Vince will try his God-damndest to get him to appear at Wrestlemania the next night - and hopefully not for some lame Hoganesque run-in where his dad is playing some kind of face in peril after Umaga randomly decides to beat his ass. Though, the crowd reaction should be fucking magical no matter what.

Mixed Martial Arts is coming to... CBS? That's right! CBS and Elite XC have announced a deal this week that will bring MMA to network television for the first time ever. Now we can watch Tank Abbott crumble to the mat in HD! Internet street-fighting star Kimbo Slice is expected to headline the first CBS fight card from either Atlantic City or Newark's Prudential Center in New Jersey. An Elite XC/Saturday Night's Main Event battle for the ratings between CBS and NBC is undoubtedly in the works. This possible four-fight deal will probably begin sometime in April. Lovely.

Trish Stratus is bringing a new travel show to the Travel Channel this August. It's called Stratusphere~! Heeeey, that's great, don't care, moving on.

Looks like Umaga's in line for another damn push. Apparently, someone was impressed by his "shining" performance in the Raw Elimination Chamber match, and he might be rewarded with another Intercontinental Title run. While I couldn't care less for a Trish Stratus travel show, the thought of another Umaga push makes me physically ill, and thus, that was your least important news bit of the week, and possibly the rest of eternity.



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, and for one week only, I have hijacked the Jerry Springer Show studio to accommodate my next guests. That's right, I sent Jerry's circus ass packing and filled the studio audience with some well-known figures in the IWC; everyone from Sean Carless and R.D. Reynolds to those TNA fanboys Bill and Doug are here to boo and hiss at whatever the hell they want. Watch... HOLY SHIT, IS THAT FLOYD MAYWEATHER IN A YACHT MADE OF $100 BILLS?!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOO~!HISSSSSSSSSS~!

Awesome. Now, let's bring out my first guest. This guy is a British descendant of Captain Blackbeard who enjoys cross dressing buxom wenches, here's PAUL BURCHILL~!

Audience: BOOOOOO!!!

[Paul takes a seat.]

Burchill: Hey, Catherine. It's great to be here.

I'll bet. So, Paul, apparently you've got some dark family secret to share with the world. Care to elaborate?

Burchill: Well, Catherine, I've been sleeping with my sister, and---
Audience: AUUUUGH!!! BOOOOOOOOO...
Burchill: And---
Audience: ...OOOOOOOO...
Burchill: But---
Audience: ...OOOOOOOO---

HEY, SHUT YOUR ASSES UP.

Audience: ...

Thank you. Paul, what ever possessed you to do something so disgusting and immoral?

Burchill: I love her, Catherine!

Hey, I love my siblings, too, but you don't see me trying to get into their pants!

Audience: YEAAAAAAHHHHH~! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

I'm not Jerry.

Audience: SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!

It's okay.

Burchill: Catherine, I understand that society doesn't accept what Katie and I do, but we're in love, and that's all that matters to us!

What does your family think about all this?

Burchill: Uh... Mom disowned us.

Good for her. Paul, when you make not-so-sweet love to Katie, does it ever occur to you that you might be creating inbred children that will soon mooch off of our hard-earned tax dollars? Don't you ever think about the people, Paul?!

Burchill: I use a condom?

And that makes it all better, doesn't it?

Burchill: Y---

NO. You're fucking your SISTER, you ass-backwards redneck pirate!

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Let's bring this nasty bitch out as I shuffle these index cards for seemingly no reason. Katie Lea, get your skank ass out here!

[Shitty generic tunes play as Katie makes her way onto the stage.]

Audience: BOOOOOOOO~!
Katie Lea: Oh, fuck you! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! WHAT-EH-VARRRR!

Katie, have a seat.

Katie: Hey, Catherine, how's it going?

Meh, same old same old. Katie... you're porking your brother. Does it not click in your brain that this shit is gross? Do you really think millions of people want to see you playing the Debbie to Paul's Dallas?

Katie: What's the problem? It's not like we're televising a live sex act!
Edge: Oh, man, you totally should. It'll boost your popularity by a million times.
Burchill: Really?

Hey, Edge, glad you're here. Tell your little Edgeheads to mop up the stage once we're done here.

Edge: No way! They're MY lackeys!

Fine, I'll just get Teddy Long to do it. Anyway, Katie, I hear that you've got something to share with Paul today.

Katie: That's right, Catherine.

...well... go ahead.

Katie: Now? Okay... Well, Paul... I'm having your baby!
Audience: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!~!~!111

Dear God, you filthy bastards.

Burchill: Are you sure it's mine? HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING BEHIND MY BACK?!
Maury Povich: Well, Paul, we placed a video cam backstage before the show, where we sat Katie down with one of our sexy decoys - TAKE A LOOK!

...dumbass, this isn't your show!

Maury: It's not?

Not unless you just turned into a really good-looking lady named Catherine Perez.

Maury: Oh. Well. Hey, can you send that sexy decoy to my limo before I get out of here?

No. Anyway, how about we take some questions from the audience? Don't expect me to walk around you assholes, just walk right up to the microphone and spout off whatever the hell you want.

Doug: This kind of shit would never happen in TNA! WWE is total crap!
Bill: Absolutely.
Doug: Paul Burchill and Katie Lea are shameless bastards!
Bill: Absolutely.
Doug: THE WWE MUST BE STOPPED~!
Bill: Absolu---

...Looks like they got cut off before they could finish that last thought. Anyone else?

Canadian Bacon: British people SUCK~! They can't even fully commit to worshipping whatever Brit is because they're just BritISH! You'd never hear about anyone being Canadish in God's Country of Canada!

...dear God.

Burchill: Is this entirely necessary?

Yes. Let's keep it coming, people!

Vince McMahon: All of you, shut the hhhhhhhell up~!

Holy shit, it's Vince!

McMahon: I'm having each and every one of you arrested for denying my fantastic ideas!

What?! You can't do that!

McMahon: I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT. I'M VINCE MCMAHON, DAAAAAMN IT~! GET 'EM, BOYS!

[An entire S.W.A.T. team crashes into the studio from all sides.]

IT'S THE S.W.A.T. TEAM. FUCKING SCATTER~! JOIN ME NEXT WEEK FOR A SPECIAL EDITION OF HEY MAN, NICE SHOOT, WHERE I ROUND UP A TEAM OF PRO WRESTLING'S ELITE AND GO ON A MANHUNT FOR TNA'S ABYSS! SCAAAAAATTER!!!

There's another Deadface in the bag~! Feel free to send feedback, death threats, whatever towards my e-mail address or
MySpace. Also make sure to check out all the great updates of the week over at the main page. See that? I linked the main page just in case you're too lazy to scroll upward and click on the TWF logo, you shiftless twats. Did I say twats? I meant beautiful fans which I love and adore. Or twats. Whatever. I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).