Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

DEADFACE WALKING!: (02/23/08)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to the only column that can't tell Friday from Saturday, Deadface Walking! I'm Catherine Perez, 2007 co-Writer of the Year. See, I have to bring this up every couple of months or so to make myself seem pretty awesome. That, and to make Canadian Bacon totally jealous. BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah. Um... let's begin~!

Former WCW laughing stock Tank Abbott... (I can already hear the collective "who?" from most of you) suffered a knock-out blow - and by that, I don't mean he was fellated by Karen Angle - at the hands of Kimbo Slice at Elite XC's 2/16 show. Bummer. This blow to the face was so staggering, Abbott was said to had done the well-known Ric Flair Flop as he crashed to the mat. That's right, dude got knocked the fug out~! It was also reported that Abbott's lost 8 of his last 9 matches. Quite the embarrassment, I think. Most people would hang up their boots after the 3rd loss, but they don't call this guy TANK~! for nothing. This guy runs on straight-up FUEL, and he won't stop until someone loads him with sugar! Or something like that. I can't believe I started Deadface off with news about Tank fucking Abbott.

Abyss will be taking time off from TNA to sell his current storyline, and will return unmasked and as Chris Parks, his real name. Hey, good idea! After all, this worked incredibly well for Kane, right? Perhaps Kane should talk some sense into Abyss:

Kane: Dude, look. I've been down this path before. Watching you is like experiencing the worst déjà vu. The whole Dad thing, Mom being a whore---
Paul Bearer: She's a whoooooore! OH YEEEEESSSSS~!
Kane: Right. If you take that mask off, Abyss, they'll job you out to your former self, they'll job you out to the entire roster, and, worst of all... they'll make you have unprotected sex with Lita. DON'T DOOOOOO THIS!
Vince Russo: Nonsense! This is, like, the best, most original idea of all time.
Abyss: Wait. Does this mean my more popular brother can encase my dad in cement?
Kane: Oh, yeah, sure.
Abyss: ZOMFG AWESOME.

Good God. It's like Abyss's TNA contract contains the Raven Clause, where losing what makes your character unique results in moving to Jobberville. Don't unmask, Abyss; you look like a fully-grown Shia Labeouf.

TNA Knockout Shelly "Salinas" Martinez is selling her toys! Um, no, not those kinds of toys. Shelly's giving away some autographed ECW's Ariel action figures on eBay. Hell, if she needs even more chump change, she could try to sell herself... Hey, I'm just trying to be helpful here.

Floyd Mayweather sure is getting himself a lot of media coverage. Most reports rip apart our sort-of-beloved fake sport before nearly jizzing all over Mayweather's face because, ZOMG, he's Floyd fucking Mayweather. One guy whose name I care not about criticized Mayweather for using real punches in a fake sport on Big Show's "Cro-Magnon" head. Hahaha! Mayweather himself is receiving a lot of praise over at WWE for his backstage professionalism. He is said to be very reserved, mostly keep to himself, and socialize more with his own entourage, but is friendly when approached. Awwww. That probably explains that super meek, Lashley-like "I ACCEPT" that rolled off of Floyd's tongue on Monday.

Game makers THQ is promising us, the wrestling fans, that this year's Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 will have its largest roster to date. Well, it's about fucking time; Lord knows I've longed for the day where I could miserably fail at accomplishing Season Mode as Charlie Haas. Swapping Hacksaw Jim Duggan's entrance to that of Candice Michelle's? Sign me the hell up! Also, THQ promises a "groundbreaking new feature" to be included in this year's game. OOOH~! I just love surprises! Perhaps someone finally listened to my constant clamoring for a "Fire Jim Ross" mini-game, where we can send Good Ol' J.R. packing in various gut-busting ways. I for one feel that thrusting him into the sun via an ACME catapult will suffice, and you know Vince will love it since it's almost like ACME is one of WWE's many sponsors now. It'll be bah gawd awesome.

What in the icy blue hell was Lindsay Lohan doing backstage at Raw on Monday? It was quite the strange sight, seeing her pose with John Cena and Rey Mysterio with that "holier-than-thou" look upon her face. Seriously, what the hell was that? Speaking of accidental celebrities, Kevin Federline is rumored to be returning to WWE in an also-rumored Celebrity Battle Royal at Wrestlemania. Is someone within the Dub out to lose buyrates? Dear God. I can already see how this train wreck might pan out: WWE, being WWE, will fail to gather celebs who feel like running their credibility through the mud by pretending to RASSLE against other celebs who can't wrestle, and instead of cancelling the bout altogether like any respectable company should, WWE will bring in a bunch of indy wrestlers and piss-poor look-alikes to slosh around the the ring like a bunch of fat people on shopping center scooters... This can only end in tragedy, people! The only redeeming feature of this Rock 'N' Wrestling debacle is the absolutely deafening X-Pac heat it will most undoubtedly garner. It'll be like the Extreme Elimination Chamber all over again. If this match really does get booked, you can definitely expect the Jackass crew to participate. It's too bad sarcasm doesn't translate terribly well over the internet, because then I'd say that I'm just so fucking excited for this match.

TNA has won itself some very prestigious awards from the Wrestling Observer Awards - six, to be exact! TNA iMPACT took home the Worst TV Show award. Ouch; it can only go downhill from there... AND DOWNHILL IT WENT~! Don West earned the Worst TV Announcer award, and he was quoted as saying, "This award truly feels like a demented, evil slap RIGHT. IN. THE. FAAAAAAAACE!111" TNA signing Pacman Jones, and the "making it rain" atrocity that followed in the ring weeks later, was voted the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic. Hey, I can't disagree there. Observer subscribers named the infamous Lockdown Blindfold Match with Chris Harris and James Storm the Worst Match of the Year. Heh, I thought the Electric Cage match would definitely have taken it. Black Reign won Worst Gimmick, and I couldn't agree more. I loathe Black Reign, and I loathe Dustin Rhodes. Actually, anyone named Rhodes pisses me off. If this all isn't enough to send TNA into a Conan O'Brien-esque Embarrassment Fortress, here's the icing on the cake: TNA itself was voted the Worst Promotion of the Year. Congratulations, TNA! Now go find some old ex-WWE star's shoulder to cry on.

Something I've been wanting to address for a while is Lance Storm and his constant bitching on the current state of the mainstream wrestling product. Just recently, Storm moaned and groaned about Undertaker's new submission finisher, the Gogoplata Choke, which is a legit MMA choke. Storm pointed out that the move is "the worst possible position to be in" as a wrestling move, since 'Taker is on his back and can be easily pinned. So Undertaker's exposing himself to being left staring up at the lights every week... what's the problem? Does Lance here honestly have to nitpick every fucking detail of the shit he doesn't like, as if he's some sort of 14-year-old smark at the Wrestlecrap boards? I can definitely agree that the Gogoplata Choke is absolutely silly for a sport where being on your back isn't the best idea ever, but, God damn it, the Undertaker won't lie down unless it's for his own benefit! Lance Storm should be happy - yes, HAPPY - that Undertaker as finally made himself vulnerable to infinite pin attempts. So put on a big, shit-eating grin and enjoy the show like a good boy, or turn the shit off and quit yer bitchin'.

WWE has reportedly been banned in Spain during hours when children may be watching TV. Um... what? This ban comes on the heels of a study that found that wrestling fans are likely to be more violent than non-wrestling fans. BULLSHIT~! These "scientists" LIE, and I will knock furniture over and punch every member of my family in the face several times with no remorse until they prove this study to be false!

Even more pregnancy news from the world of Stephanie and her evil womb of death. The baby is likely to be another girl, and she may be due in the summer. Hey, as long as she's not pumping out future WWE Champions to hog the belt for decades to come, I'm all set. And since I'm so sick of hearing about Stephanie's spawn, this was your least interesting news bit of the week.


Once again, shoot fans, welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! I've only just gotten my stomach to calm down after Edge and Vickie had me turning greener than a Bobby Lashley match. This week, I get to sit down and chat with a legendary tag team - former ECW, WWE, and TNA Tag Team Champs... Brother Ray and Brother Devon... TEAM 3D~! Welcome t---

Ray: Where the fuck are our Little Debbie cakes?

What?

Ray: Did I stutter? Me and my brudda Devon were promised Little Debbies in exchange for comin' here and talkin' to you. We want our Little Debbies and we want 'em NOW.

What the hell, I never said anything about Little Debbies! Who the hell said anything about that?!

[Cut to the Ultimate Warrior's secret underground lair.]

Warrior: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Cut back to the Hey Man, Nice Shoot studio, where Ray and Devon are holding Catherine up against a wall.]

Ray: We bettuh not hear that you ate our muddafuckin' cakes!

I HAVE NO CAKES! Besides, aren't you guys supposed to be losing about 30 pounds?

Ray: Oh, yeah! That's right.

[Ray and Devon return to their seats, leaving Catherine to drop to the floor.]

Sheeeeeee-it~!

Ray: Please, have a seat. Excuse Devon for bein' so rude. Devon, apologize.
Devon: Pfft. I ain't apologizin' to nobody.
Ray: DEVON, YOU BLACK MUDDAFUCKA, APOLOGIZE~!

WHOA, Ray, let's keep the racist slurs to a minimum, okay? I've got an image to uphold and shit.

Ray: I can say "black"! Why can't I say "black"? Black's a color of the rainbow!

Actually, no it's not.

Ray: So you're sayin' blacks don't belong in the rainbow? Hey, Devon, this bitch just said we don't belong in the rainbow.

Ray, you're not black.

Ray: I don't believe this racist Mexican bitch!

Actually, I'm Puerto Rican.

Ray: THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BETTER THAN ME! Fuckin' Jennifer Lopez here is a racist! I'm gonna make sure this piece-a-shit Mexican show gets cancelled SO fast...

[barely audible over Brother Ray's rambling] ...you're making me look SO bad right now...

Ray: I'm gonna make sure EVERYBODY here gets fired, startin' with your mariachi band, your dad the janitor, and---
Devon: OHHHH MAHHH BROTHA... shut the hell up already! Dumb bastard.
Ray: ...

Thank you, Devon.

Ray: My sincerest apologies; I tend to get carried away sometimes.

Yeah. Now, if I can finally get started with my questions...

Ray: Oh, please, go right ahead.

Thank you. So, Ray, Devon, you two have overcome major hurdles in your lives; inbreeding on your father's part, stuttering, shitty singles career gimmicks, obesity... well, you haven't exactly overcome obesity... and you both have gone on to obtain gold from every major wrestling organization to date. How does that make you feel?

Devon Well, I, for one---
Ray: Did this La Vida Loca bitch just call us fat?

God, here we go again...

Ray: Bitch, I'll have you know that we're 300-plus pounds of pure, unadulterated muddafuckin' MUSCLE!

Oh, don't kid yourself!

Ray: Me and my brudda Devon are 100% prime cut dark meat, no lard, you Ricky Martin bitch!

STOP CALLING ME A BITCH, YOU FAT PORKER BASTARD~!

Devon: Ray, for real now... shut the fuck up.
Ray: I'M SORRY! Got carried away again. Go ahead, Miss Chiquita.

...fuckin' bigot. So, DEVON, what's with your lack of input during promos lately?

Devon: Are you kiddin' me? Ask Johnny Devine that.
Johnny Devine: They made me sign a vow of silence contract.
Ray: Hey, did we tell you to talk, you fuckin' gringo?
Devine: ...

...and yet, I'm the racist? You know, everyone has a bad story to tell of you guys, saying that you've got bad attitudes and work too stiff. I can definitely see where they get this idea from, but would you two care to defend yourselves for all to see?

Ray: Nah, it's all true. Hell, we even made Hardcore Holly cry once.
Holly: YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T TELL ANYONE! WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Holy shit, cool! Holly's crying like a little bitch!

Holly: OMFG MY CAREER IS OVER FOR SURE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

This is the best way to end this interview.

Ray: Wait, that's it?

Um, yeah. I'm trying to avoid a race war here.

Ray: What the fuck are you tryin' to say? Look at this Pancho Villa bitch here tryin' to get rid of us without even givin' us our Little Debbies! WE WANT THOSE LITTLE DEBBIES AND WE WANT 'EM NOW!

Oh, eat me. Figuratively, not literally, you fat assholes. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week for a vomit inducing interview with Paul Burchill and his girlfriend sister, Katie Lea!

That's all for this week's Deadface. Feel free to send some feedback and crap via e-mail or MySpace, KTHX~!~! Also, as always, make sure to check out all of this week's great updates over at our lovely main page. What? No, no pluggery for this week; that always somehow takes me more than 20 minutes to type out and, well, it's 12:34 AM as I type this. Let a bitch sleep, y'all. Toodles!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).