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DEADFACE WALKING!

by Catherine Perez

April 19, 2007


Hey, hey! You, you! God, I hate that song. Anyway, welcome back to the column that just defeated WWE “fan” Santino Marella for the Intercontinental Championship belt (with a little help from shitty booking), Deadface Walking! I am Catherine Perez, the only woman who's man enough to openly despise John Cena... aside from some other women I know, but for all intents and purposes, I'm the only one. Now that we're into week four of Deadface Walking, I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who has sent me e-mails about how much they enjoy this column. Your e-mails are now in a special Hotmail folder titled “TWF Fan mail”, which is sort of close to my heart if you pretend hard enough. I've even gotten a marriage proposal (thanks, Warren)! Ah, fuzzy warmness. All heartfelt stuff aside, let's begin with some news that I've been dying to report:

Readers, I must know: is Ashley Massaro on a suicide mission? She recently loosened a screw in her ankle and will now be requiring surgery to screw it back into a plate that was inserted last year when Ashley fractured her tibia and fibula while, uh, falling. Falling? Yes, falling, that very dangerous thing real wrestlers do on a nightly basis. That brings up the injury tally to about... four... five... okay, I lost count. When reached for a comment, Ashley was said to be blown away by the situation - literally. She opened her mouth to speak, broke her jaw and was instantly reduced to a pile of dust that was carried away by the wind. According to WWE.com, Paul London commented on Ashley's injury, stating, “Ashley wanted us to go out and compete and hold on to the titles, and we did.” Well! Thank goodness that the oh-so-talented and charismatic Ashley can sweet-talk any team into retaining their championship belts:

Ashley: Hehehe. Hey boys. Hehehe. I'm injured. Heh. Go out there and win, kthxbi. Hehehe.
Kendrick: ZOMG Ashley~! What would we ever do without your words of wisdom?
London: We'd, like, totally sux0rz without your unprecedented, one-of-a-kind free spiritedness.
Ashley: Hehe. I listen to heavy metal when I sleep, you know. Hehe. Nobody does that but me. I'm unique. ROFFLE~!1one

I'd tell Ashley to feel better but... I'll leave the task up for some Ashley fans. I just exploited my own apathy for this bit. I'M PISSED NOW. [/Luger]

Speaking of Ashley, the decision for Melina to retain the Women's Championship belt was based on the fact that Ashley has become “more difficult to deal with” since the whole Playboy deal. Mickie James also regained her push (well, I wouldn't really call it a push...) because of Ashley's attitude. Allow me to pat myself on the back, seeing as I saw this coming from a mile away. She strips down to her birthday suit, and suddenly she thinks she's the best thing to ever happen to women's wrestling. Ladies, this here proves that grinding your naked selves all over the place does not earn you gold. Now put your clothes on, Ashley, you're not getting that damn Nobel Peace Prize.

As reported by the Wrestling Observer, in order to avoid any future McMahon lovefests, Vince McMahon has made a decree for all future Hall of Famers to not thank him in their speeches. Lovefests? Did I miss something this year, besides the entire Hall of Fame ceremony? Was the entire McMahon family tossed onto the stage and forced to strip? I think I speak for everyone – straight men, gay men, straight women, lesbians, and robots – when I say that no one wants to see Linda McMahon naked. Agh. For those who are asking, no, I don't understand this news bit, and yes, I wanted to crack a joke about naked McMahons.

John Cena is so “bad-ass”, he doesn't have to drive his own vehicles! That fancy-pants Cena entrance you saw at Wrestlemania was the doing of a stunt driver (Sparky Plugg?!). I'm not surprised either; if Cena would have jobbed to the glass wall, the crowd would have erupted into cheers, and we can't have that in WWE, can we? Perhaps for next year's Cena-riffic Wrestlemania match, we can be treated to a stunt wrestler with some actual wrestling ability. Hey, I can dream, can't I? (Hate mail arrives in 5... 4... 3... 2...)

Current Wrestling Society X champion (as if that means so much) Ricky Banderas will be heading to TNA as soon as his WSX contract expires. In case the name doesn't ring a bell, he's the guy who threw a fireball into Vampiro's face and aided in getting WSX canceled. You didn't watch WSX? It's okay, not many people did (that ring announcer was beyond awful). My bet is that he either joins LAX, or he makes us all real happy and throws fireballs into Dutch Mantel's and Vince Russo's faces every week. Ratings gold amongst smarks.

Jim Ross has denied rumors of Michael “Girlpants” Cole replacing him as the voice of Monday Night Raw. According to his blog, “I have no idea how this sort of information gets out there and then takes on a life of its own as if it is factual. I fully expect to continue my tenure with the WWE for years to come and no one in the decision making process has indicated anything to the contrary to me.” Ross was then shot in the balls with a taser gun and handed his pink slip... again. Honestly, I'm breathing a sigh of relief here. Raw needs Michael Cole like Don West needs a megaphone.

Along with Ric Flair and Carlito, the infamously disgruntled WWE wrestler Hardcore Holly is also upset about being left out of Wrestlemania. Is this guy serious? The man is left out of the show just about every year, and he decides to complain now? Holly claims that WWE writer Dave Lagana had assured him that he'd work a major program with Baby Bobby Lashley that would lead to a Wrestlemania match, and put off some much-needed elbow surgery to await what could have been his biggest match in... ever. What a gullible guy! I'm still wondering how this man has managed to stay employed so long. He probably has a second job sweeping and mopping the backstage area or something... I just can't quite figure it out.

Before take-off, the plane that was supposed to take the Raw stars to Rome suffered engine trouble. By trouble, I mean it blew up. Not with the wrestlers in it, of course. As stated on WWE.com, “'Thankfully, the engine blew on the ground and not over the Atlantic," said WWE agent and former referee Tim White.' DEAR GOD, THERE'S A FUCKIN' GHOST TRAVELING WITH THEM! What? You mean Tim White didn't really kill himself repeatedly? Well, isn't this some crazy Groundhog Day type of stuff? Well, at least everyone's okay, and all of us at The Wrestling Fan can continue to make fun of all your favorite superstars with a clear conscience.

Do you like it when shows suck? Well, have I got news for you! Saturday Night's Main Event is returning to PBS... NBC... uh... CBS... ABC... whatever the hell channel it's on, in June! It will be taped in May with SmackDown, because if anything will raise attendance numbers, it's WWE's B-show. GO, LOW RATINGS! I'll actually be looking forward to this potential train wreck; it gives me that much more news to report on for my first June column, and Lord knows I need that.

Former pro-wrestling dead weight Stacy Keibler was recently quoted by Stuff Magazine as saying “wrestling hurts”. Is that so, Stacy? WOW! Let's all give a big round of e-applause for Stacy and her overwhelming abundance of intellect. Miss Keibler then went on to say “your body's not meant to take that abuse”. Get this woman a scholarship to Harvard NOW! Stacy also hinted at possibly returning to wrestling some day. Please, Stacy, don't. We've got enough useless hags in WWE as it is.

“The Self-Destruction of Ultimate Warrior” has been submitted as evidence in the lawsuit that Warrior filed against them... or vice-versa. I haven't been following this too well. In a related story, Sean Waltman is suing Joanie “Chynna Doll” Laurer for having a penis. “1 Night in China” has been submitted as evidence, and now the case is in need of a new judge after Judge Smith hanged himself upon watching the detestable video. I kid, of course. I'd have a picture to accompany this, but I'm deathly afraid of Googling "1 Night in China" just for 10 seconds of laughter. Just picture a judge hanging himself while holding the DVD. Har har har!

Unfortunately, this week has been an extremely shitty week for wrestling news. I leave you now with... nothing. Until next week, I'm Catherine Perez, and you're not. [/rip-off] Farewell, adieu, sayonara! Now go read the rest of the site.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ

Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).