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DEADFACE WALKING!: (02/04/08)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, the only column that will kill you with a concentrated dose of asskickery. As always, I'm Catherine Perez, super awesome member of the female race and all that good stuff. With a lack of anything to say here, let's just get started, shall we?

Many sites have reported that WWE (read: Vince and Vince only) has okayed an incestual storyline. Ah, yes, just what WWE's main fanbase of children and those children's parents have been clamoring for. And I thought TNA was the Wrong Turn, country backwoods-originated company. I can't even believe I'm reporting this shit, though I'm not surprised considering that Vince has been just dying to do an incest angle for quite a while, apparently dating back to the Ken and Ryan Shamrock storyline. Let's not forget that Stephanie once had to turn down an angle where Vince would "father" her baby. Dear God in Heaven. Anyway, this new Jerry Springer-esque storyline will feature Paul Burchill, former pirate and a guy who had an amazing finisher with the C4, and Katie Lea, who participated in an equally amazing ladder match against Beth Phoenix for the OVW Women's Championship. I can't wait until this crapfest starts and parents start dragging their kids out of the arena by the shitloads.

Former creative writer Dave Lagana was apparently given his walking papers last week because WWE believed he leaked stories. Looks like Stephanie's oft joked about forensic search finally came to fruition. Nevermind the fact that stories don't even need to be leaked because they're all so God damned predictable. Either way, the more writers getting the axe, the better. TNA should take heed.

Looks like quite a few people are pissed about the outcome of the Royal Rumble match. Take Gerweck.net reader Max Gadson's comments, for example:

"all i have to say is WTF.CENA!! Won the rumble. i thought it would be hornswoggle. but WTF. Cena is overhyped and suddenly got better really fast. they said he was going to miss the rumble. but nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! he just had to win the rumble and beat triple HHH. this pisses me off"

Wait, what? So, I guess Hornswoggle winning would've been okay with Max here. How does Cena's return suddenly make
Roadrunner 2008 more tolerable? Let's not forget that he's the same dude who ran through a fucking painted hole in the wall. Sure, I loathe Cena and all, but I'll take a Superman title reign over a super shitty Hornswoggle reign any day. Now, I'm not saying that people shouldn't bitch about Cena getting right back to the business of flying faster than a speeding bullet down all our throats. I actually encourage it. Enough bitching and booing might lead to a Cena heel turn someday, though I wouldn't bet money on it. Ever.

On a related note, ever since Cena's return, Triple H has supposedly been politicking like mad for the main event spot at Wrestlemania. Anyone surprised? I'm sure they'll both have the match to themselves, perhaps with Orton thrown in, and then we can all lament the fact that Cena overcomes the odds yet again. Actually, Cena battling Triple H... now those are real odds. Will Triple H use his backstage stroke (which, I hear, is what he calls that sexual maneuver that makes Stephanie go wild) to walk away the victor, or will Cena, the guy who's more over than H will ever be again, stand tall for the millionth and first time for our hard-earned dollars? Either way, get ready for tons of bitching at every wrestling forum. Just saying.

"The Notorious Jewel De'Nyle & Shelly Martinez", a porno flick (don't get ahead of me now), will be released on February 11th. Don't expect a review from me. Also, despite what Shelly (WWE's Ariel and TNA's Salinas) said in the past, this flick will be featuring solo hardcore scenes. I'll give you guys some time to pre-order this flick from Amazon.com. All done? Great.

Unfortunately, Ring of Honor's PPVs have not boosted ticket or DVD sales at all. I'll go ahead and assume it's because they're an indie fed with no TV show, but that's just what everyone I think. Since ROH has no extra cash, they'll be going for some cost-cutting measures now. Less wrestlers will be used and flown in for ROH shows, for starters. They should take it a bit further, to ensure that they won't be spending money on unnecessary shit. Perhaps next they'll be dropping the H in ROH - the ink on those annual reports doesn't pay for itself, you know. Plus, chants of "RO~! RO~!" should be pretty funny. Then, "RO" will make attempts to fire their entire roster and replace them with homeless guys who will work for food, which they'll have to buy themselves anyway because the newly-renamed Ring Of won't be able to pay for warm meals for everyone. Then, fuck booking shows in tiny arenas and all that jazz. Take the ring outside - preferably on highways, during the evening commute, on snowy days where there's low visibility. It should be pretty extreme to watch guys like the Briscoes attempt to perform a huge spot while frightened drivers are peeling them off their windshields. Their PPVs should be so cool: "ROH presents "CHILL OUT, JIVE TURKEY", featuring the first-ever ROUTE 66 MASSACRE MATCH; it's like Frogger, only with the fucking crazy spots you've come to expect from us." Ah, I jest; ROHbots need not send me death threats. Seriously.

The Bussey Bunch has been cancelled after its debut episodes received ratings of 0.25 and 0.26. I know, I'm not shocked either. See, if that show had been The BUSEY Bunch, starring Gary Busey's ugly self, his scary oval mouth, and his equally ugly son, the show would have lasted a little longer than a damn week. Speaking of which, why is Gary Busey not managing a wrestler? Gary's such a philosophical whackjob, he'd be the PERFECT manager for Jeff Hardy. It'd be so awesome. Wait, why the hell am I talking about Gary Busey the crazy half-man-half-horse in a wrestling column? Moving swiftly on...

Here's one for the Believe It or Not file. Ultimate Warrior has requested police protection after receiving many threatening e-mails over his blog on the death of Heath Ledger. Shockingly enough, he got it. On a serious note, I've gotta say that Warrior's blog was absolutely fucking tasteless on his part, but I never expect anything less of the guy who told us that "queering don't make the world work" or whatever the hell he said. TMZ.com has reported that Warrior is actually getting around-the-clock protection from the cops. Good, now they can witness how absolutely delusional he is and request to admit him to a psych hospital. Say hello to Britney for me~!

Here's some more unbelievable shit, and your least important news bit of the week. WWE actually has Brock Lesnar's mug plastered all over WWE.com, hyping up his UFC debut against Frank Mir. Hell, even my stepdad's somehow excited for that match, and he hasn't seen a wrestling program in years. What gives? Lesnar will probably just up and leave UFC for a baseball career. Whatever.



Let's just get right to it, hm? Today, my guest is a complete lunatic. A psychotic freak. An insensitive bastard with no empathy for the human race. Of course, I'm talking about the Ultimate Warrior.



Warrior: Hello, Clarisse...

Uh... it's Catherine. Warrior, I must say, having to leave my studio of ultimate awesomeness and visiting you at your weird little home here in Parts Unknown is quite the frightening experience. I'd shake your hand and everything, but your cops have that look on their faces - the Must Reenact the Rodney King Beating Look - and, well, it's a damn good thing I brought my security guards with me.

Warrior: Bring all the guards you'd like, Catherine.

...is that some kind of obscure threat?

Warrior: No, not at all.

Is that sarcasm I'm detecting in your tone, Warrior?

Warrior: Come on. I'm harmless. I'm a teddy bear.

Riiight. Okay, so let's get down to business. Warrior, you're the only person I blame for the current state of professional wrestling. How does that make you feel?

Warrior: [Does the Super Snort of Ultimate Destrucity] What's that s'posed to mean?

Let's think back to Wrestlemania 12 in 1996.

Warrior: Aw, come on. I can't think back that damn far.

Allow me. Okay, 1996, it's Wrestlemania 12, and you're scheduled to wrestle some young up-and-comer named Hunter Hearst Helmsley. You beat this guy in a little over a minute and a half! Thanks to you, this guy came to be known as Triple H, the wrestler who suffers from Jobophobia like no one else in the wrestling business.

Warrior: ...and that ruined wrestling how?

Random 15-year-old mark: He married Stephanie to get to the top of WWE~! FUCK TRIPLE H, IT'S ALL ABOUT JOHN CENA~! His time is now, you know.

You keep little teen marks in here? I'm so calling the FBI on you, Warrior, you NAMBLA bastard. So, Warrior, you seem to be pretty calm for a guy who once played a druggie who swam in sugar before every match. What gives?

Warrior: Catherine, I am currently pumped full of depressants. Pot, Ambien, Lunesta, GHB, nitrous oxide, Quaaludes... you name it, I've got it.

And these cops aren't arresting you?

Warrior: Nope.

Why not?

Warrior: They know what I did to Santa Claus.

...wouldn't that guarantee an arrest?

Warrior: Not at all. I threatened to do the same to them.
Cop #1: We totally don't need to go home to our wives as lesser men.

Perfectly understandable... I think. Warrior, I've gotta say that I'm quite disappointed in this interview. I was expecting to talk to Crazy Psycho Warrior, not Doped Up Moron Warrior. Can't you at least say something ridiculously stupid for the audience at home?

Warrior: Wasn't the Leather Hedger stuff enough? I mean, I've gotten what I always wanted: round-the-clock cop protection. It's like I'm important again.

Oh yeah? We'll see about that.

Warrior: What?

HOLY SHIT, BRITNEY SPEARS IS HEADING TO THE NEAREST GAS STATION, AND SHE'S TALKING IN A BRITISH ACCENT AND FLASHING HER COOTER TO ANYONE WHO ASKS! SOMEBODY CALL TMZ~!

Cop #2: Jesus Howard Christ, we've gotta get pictures!
Cop #1: Dude, I've got Perez Hilton on the phone right now - LET'S GO~!

And off they go. Well, Jim, looks like you're all alone.

Warrior: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!

Oh, but I can. And I did.

Warrior: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

What the f... Holy hell, HE'S BREAKING LOOSE! SECURITY!!!

Warrior: EXIT STAGE LEFT! EXIT STAGE RIGHT! THE POWER OF THE WARRIORS WILL BECOME THE EIGHT WONDER OF THE WORLD~!

Security Guard #1: Hey, uh... fuck this. You're on your own, Cathy.

WHAT?! BUT HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!

Warrior: A CURSE SHALL BE PUT UPON YOU HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh my God. When's the next space ship to Parts Known boarding?! GET AWAY FROM ME! That does it for this week's Hey Man Nice Shoot-- AAAHHHH!!! NEXT WEEK I'LL BE SPEAKING WITH HULK HOGAN.

Warrior: I SHALL CONSUME THE VERY BLOOD AND BONE OF HULK. HO. GAN.

WAIT, I'M NOT HOGAN! I'M NOT HOOOOOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!

That's all for this obscenely late Deadface. Make sure to check out this week's updates, all on time, all funny as hell. No random pluggage this week; I think Warrior ate my energy or something. I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).