Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

DEADFACE WALKING!: (01/24/08)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Good day, bitches! I'm Catherine Perez, here to serve you a piping hot Deadface Walking, the only wrestling column that doesn't need breadsticks to rock your face off. Yeah, fuck Dominos; Deadface is the only Big Fucking Deal around here (yeah, I'm aware they call their shit the Big FANTASTIC Deal)! Excuse the lateness, but some college professors just don't care about a student's life outside of college, and those projects won't start themselves, will they? Besides, it's not like I can marry the Dean's son and thus always be at the top of the Dean's list with the help of a sledgehammer, a shovel, and a bottle of water, right? Anyway, on with the column.

How about that HD goodness this week? Pretty spiffy stuff - hell, I thought Randy Orton was a little prissy bitch who shaved his arm hairs until High-Def swooped down from the Heavens and revealed actual fucking hairs. Can you believe it? ACTUAL FUCKING ARM HAIRS. It was like I was sitting right in front of the guy, clutching onto my duffel bag in fear. Yeah, yeah, I know the shit-in-a-bag jokes are way past old. Anyway, I don't believe that WWE is going to stop at just HD, no sir. In fact, keep a look out for the ability to stick your arm through your plasma TV and punch any wrestler you want! I know I'm going to love it once I find out how to throw myself into the TV and into Chris Jericho's arms. To quote Stevie Richards, "I'll show you. You'll see!" Because of this new HD endeavor, WWE wrestlers have been told to work more physical matches, which would demonstrate a stiffer ring style. Somewhere, Bob Holly flashes a shit-eating grin. RUN, CODY, RUN~!

There are rumors floating around saying Bobby Lashley has left WWE, over some shit that probably had to do with his girlfriend, Kristal Marshall. Or steroids. Or the fact that no one can take him seriously because he has an infant-like head. We'll probably never know. A WWE spokesman has been reported to say that he hasn't heard a damn thing about this situation, but WWE.com has, as of this writing, removed Lashley's profile from the Smackdown roster page. Quit or not, all I can say here is "good fucking riddance." Lashley was an absolute bore, and the best thing that he ever brought wrestling fans was his You're a Bathturd promo. The many Bathturd YouTube videos shall be a testament to Lashley's everlasting suck, and he won't be missed. Not by me, anyway.

Speaking of releases, head ECW writer Dave Lagana's been axed as well. There isn't much word yet as to why, but I'm being led to believe that it's because ECW blows hard.

Did anyone catch Candice Michelle on L.A. Ink? Kudos to Candice for getting a tattoo; I don't think anyone on this planet has ever done something so taboo before~! Man, I hope I can one day be famous, so I can have legions of fangirls giving a rat's ass about me doing incredibly minor things like getting a tattoo. If only... le sigh.

WWE has teamed up with Habbo, a social networking site in a pixelated hotel full of pixelated avatar people, in a contest whose winner and a guest will be flown to Wrestlemania. Basically, you're assigned a little pixel version of one of 59 wrestlers, and then you've got to get people to vote for the guy you've been assigned. Then I guess they've got to vote for which of the top 30 wrestlers will play various roles in the Royal Rumble match. The users who correctly predict at least one of the roles will be entered into a sweepstakes for a chance to win a trip for two to Wrestlemania 24 in Orlando, Florida. I'm not entirely sure of how this works, but I do know that my little sister, Alex, is a huge Habbo fan, and that I've spent quite a pretty penny on fake Habbo money for her. Poor Alex had Festus assigned to her. What motherfucking kid is going to vote for Festus to be a top contender in the Royal Rumble? Sure, it's not like I'd ever let my kid sister fly to Florida to witness a wrestling event, but they couldn't give the poor girl someone with a little more... oh, I don't know... personality? Christ.

A recent Time Out New York Magazine interview has Batista saying that he, at one time, threatened to beat a male friend of his 15-year-old daughter with a pool cue if the kid tried anything funny with the girl. Batista also says he was joking, but the kid took him seriously. Future male friends of Batista's daughter, fear not. If you ever do "try anything" with little Teestina, wait until Dave shakes ropes that aren't there, and take that opportunity to run.

On the heels of Chris Harris's departure from TNA (though, I could've sworn I saw the guy on last week's Impact), there are some rumblings of former teammate James Storm wanting to leave TNA as well. Who can blame him? Beer drinking contests on a wrestling broadcast aren't entertaining at all unless there's a guy named Steve Austin chugging the beers, and even then it's not that interesting anyway. Funny story: Prior to the break-up of America's Most Wanted, Chris Harris was begging and begging for him and Storm to break up AMW so he could go on to a singles career, and he finally got what he wanted. What ensued was many forgettable matches, minus the ones he wrestled with James Storm. How's that for irony? I'd like to think that Storm's fared much better than Harris as far as being a singles wrestler goes. I digress. Within weeks (obviously after realizing that his singles career was sucking ass), Harris was asking Storm if he wanted to reunite AMW, to which Storm declined. "Be careful what you wish for" has never rung truer.

Roadkill's gone AWOL~! ...you know, Roadkill? Formerly Amish Roadkill, from ECW? No, the old one. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, well, it appears as though Roadkill has gone AWOL from OVW, and apparently has major heat on him. At first Roadkill was attending the shows, but he wasn't ever used. He's recently missed quite a few shows, although the exact number is beyond me. Perhaps someone's finally decided that Roadkill should live up to his name. In that case, I'd like for all you readers to get up from your seats and check under your cars for Roadkill... but do come back. There's so much more rambling to read.

What's with all the mentionings of miserable trainwreck Britney Spears on WWE programming and WWE.com? Some are speculating that Brian Gewirtz and Michael Hayes are up to something, as each mentioning is intentional. Considering Gewirtz wrote two episodes of a show I personally hate, Big Wolf on Campus, Michael Hayes has flawed thinking (Exhibit A: proposing that John Cena (face) attacking tag partner Chris Benoit (face) after a match in 2003 would add an edge to Cena's character... then the crowd boos), and the fact that Britney fucking sucks, I'll consider whatever they're planning a bust. Though, the visual itself should be fantastic:



Since I loathe all this media attention on Britney's crazy self, consider this your least important news bit of the week.



Welcome back to the greatest internet shoot interview segment in the history of ever, EVER, Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Joining me tonight are a pair of assholes that couldn't get booked on any other hard-hitting internet shoot interview segments, because everyone hates them. Everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, THE VOODOO KIN MAFIA... and their Voodoo wench, Roxxi Laveaux. Welcome to the show, dudes and dudette, it's almost a pleasure to have you here.

B.G. James: I'll have you know that Kip and I had MANY offers to appear on MANY shows. Conan O'Brien loves us.
Kip James: Hehe, yeah, Conan loves us!
Conan O'Brien: Not as much as I'd love a lobotomy. Buh-dum-CHA~!

Oh, Conan. You slay me! Yeah, so, B.G., what's the deal between you and Kip? You guy's are acting like a fucking married couple - and I know which one of you's playing the wife.

B.G.: Roxxi?
Kip: Hehe, yeah, Roxxi?
Roxxi: ...

No, it's Torrie Wilson over here. Kip, for the love of God, did you really have to come here and plant your ass on my lovely, cushioned seats while wearing Torrie's wrestling gear? You're getting putrid Swamp Ass goo all over them!

Kip: Hehe, I am not!

One skid mark, and you're out of here. A little Gold Bond wouldn't kill you. Asshole. And B.G., what's wrong with you?

B.G.: Why? What'd I do? I didn't tell Kip to go on a panty raid at Torrie's house!

Kip: Hehe, yeah, what'd he do? He didn't tell me to---

Kip, shut the fuck up. B.G., you brought Bob Armstrong back to TNA, and for that, I will never forgive you.

B.G.: But he's my dad! Everyone knows that having dads in the business guarantees you a top spot in the company.
Kip: Hehe, yeah, everyone knows that having dads in the business guarantees... shit, I forgot the rest.

Not when your dad's Bob fucking Armstrong! Besides, what's the biggest angle you've ever been part of?

B.G.: D-X, of course! Then again, not even Dad could talk Triple H into letting me join the group.

So, how did you do that?

B.G.: I, uh... I polished Hunter's ass with turtle wax. Just like he asked me to.
Triple H: And it was a good polish job. Damn good. Kind of like me. I'm that damn good. And if you don't know why, then perhaps you've gotta find out just who the HELL... I am. Wait... am I a face or a heel now?

Hell if I know.

B.G.: HUNTER~! OMIFUCKINGGAH HUNTER, I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH. Dude, please, you've gotta take me back! I was just kiddin' with the TNA shit! TNA's for losers!
Kip: Hehe, yeah, he was just kiddin' with the TNA shit! TNA's for losers!

If TNA's for losers, what does that make you midcard-for-life piles of steaming shit?

Triple H: Like me, that point Catherine made is that damn good. Why should I bring you two sacks of crap back after you buried me in a shitty shoot video?
B.G.: Because dude... who polishes asses better than me?
The entire WWE Tag Team Division: We do~!
Triple H: Yeah, they do. Listen, Road Dogg, Billy, I don't know what parallel dimension you two live in, but as far as I'm concerned, your involvement in D-Generation X was really, really forgettable. And I'm not just saying that because D-Generation X totally revolved around me after Shawn left. I mean, face it, you guys suck.

Hehe, yeah, you guys suck. Wait, repeating everything like a retarded lackey is Kip's thing. So, H, since you're here and all, what do you really think of your former stablemates?

Triple H: Well---
Roxxi: Why don't I elaborate?
Triple H: Okay, sure, go right ahead.
Roxxi: Kip, B.G., you two are completely lame. I can't believe I have to walk around and be the Chyna in a team that has shit to do with voodoo! You guys told me over the phone that you were voodoo priests who needed help placing a curse on Triple H and Shawn Michaels! And even when I found out you LIED to me, I stuck around because you assholes promised me a prominent role in TNA - YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY BACKSTAGE STROKE! And now I've gotta play 2nd fiddle to BULLET FUCKING BOB?! You guys have worse creative direction than Shark Boy!
Shark Boy: Lemme tell ya sumpin', missy. The name ain't Shark Boy no more, it's Stone Cold Salmon Austin~!

Oh my God, that's so fucking lame.

Shark Boy: Ya doggone right it's lame, but it ain't as lame as these two mealy-mouthed bastards here with their Torrie Wilson panties! ...okay, seriously, how long is this Stone Cold thing going to last? This is incredibly stupid.
Vince Russo: Oh my God. This whole interview right here? With all these fucking awesome TNA personalities? Dude, seriously... I just came. Seriously.

And on that note, this interview is so over.

Kip: Holy shit, I should bring in Bart Gunn.

What?

Kip: My bro, Bart Gunn. I should tag with him, since B.G. hates me now.

Your name isn't even Billy Gunn, and Bart wasn't really your brother. Dolt. Again, this interview's over. Join me next week as I struggle to get through a simple conversation with THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR~! Good God.

And that's your Deadface helping for this week. Feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated, and should be sent either by e-mail or via
MySpace. And here's your shameless pluggery for the week: Anthony Dean's SMACKDOWN RANT brings you something better than a repetitive ECW main event: the same ECW main event smashed into Smackdown's main event IN TAG TEAM FORM. Holy shit, you've gotta love CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero now~! Sean Carless reflects on Black Saturday in THE VAULT. What, you expect me to make a funny about an event I never witnessed because I wasn't born until four years later? Poo on you. Cameron Burge brings us the RAW RANT, where Vince and his cronies thought it'd be a great idea to debut High Definition Raw with a main event featuring Jeff Hardy's hand and a slew of random audience members. It was like I was sitting right next to those crowd members, I swear. Gershon Levy returns to TWF once more for the ECW RANT. There's no running from ECW, Gersh. ECW SHALL OWN YOUR SOUL, HA HA HA HA-- ahem. Sean Carless brings more laughs with 2007's ROYAL RUMBLE. It was the most star studded Rumble ever! That is, if you consider Kevin Thorn, Hardcore Holly, and the Great Khali worthy of the title "star". Last, but abso-fuckin'-lutely not least is Harry Simon and his CLASSICSHMAZZ! This week, Harry takes us back to the very last Monday Nitro ever, a very emotional night that was chock full of hilarious crowd signs, like "BISCHOFF, SUBWAY IS HIRING." Good stuff. And like a deaf-mute in a Bingo game, I'm out!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).