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DEADFACE WALKING!: (01/17/08)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to Deadface Walking, the only wrestling column currently on its period. I'm Catherine Perez, your alpha, omega, and Zeta-Jones (yes, I've said this one before, but it's got a nice ring to it, don'tchathink?) Well, I'd like to let everyone know that, thanks to Jeff Hardy doing Matt Hardy's v-1 hand gesture on Monday, I've finally come up with an idea for a new segment on this column. I know, I know, my second segment comes and goes more often than a Spinal Tap drummer. At this point, I'm not sure if I'll debut it or not. So, this week, enjoy your news and interview that totally never happened, because if I really did conduct interviews that way, I'd have tons of lawsuits on my ass.

Vinnie Mac has pulled the plug on the planned Sting and Randy Savage DVDs, probably just to prevent himself from tearing up a local Blockbuster in anger. Damn. It seems that dumbass Kevin Dunn's department released a list of DVD titles to video distributors without the final say-so from Vince and the creative team. Macho Man's DVD was pulled for painfully obvious reasons; Vince hates Macho Man with a fiery passion - so much so, that not even Randy Savage changing his name to McMachomahon would've helped his chances. Sting's DVD was canceled because, well, he's under contract to TNA. Imagine that. I think that, if anything, Sting and Savage fans should rejoice over the cancellation of these huge titles. The interviews from the WWE roster and staff would have been disastrous:

Vince: Yeah, uh, Sting. He's... a, uh, nice guy? Ah, what the fuck should I know - HE NEVER WORKED FOR ME~!
Jim Ross: Well, I remember that Robocop stuff. Darn near retarded, if you ask me.
Sting: ...what the fuck? This isn't Mike Tenay's makeshift interview studio...

Someone please give me creative control over all future WWE DVD releases.

Batista was pulled over on the 5th by a phony-ass undercover cop in camouflage pants while traveling from a WWE show in Canton, Ohio. This fake cop used a flashing red light on top of his car to get Teest to pull over. Teest, seemingly one to have an exhausted hamster on a wheel for brains, noticed that this guy who called himself an undercover police officer didn't have proper cop equipment, like a badge. I can just imagine Batista sitting in his car; the hamster-brain tries for one more run on the wheel, and Dave says out loud, "Heeey, waaaait a minute~!" It was then that Big Dave drove off and phoned the real cops. The ones with badges. Good for you, Teest. Batista then commented on the situation: "I can tell when people are fake. Like, um, this one time when I went to a restaurant with Melina, but the waiter didn't have the little pencil moustache, so I could tell he wasn't legit." Perhaps he didn't really say that, but would you be surprised if he did?

Next Monday, WWE goes high-definition! I'll go ahead and assume that I'm not exactly the only person who doesn't care. I've seen HD, and it looks exactly like my non-HD TV. I have, however, heard that WWE in HD would enhance the vocals of every wrestler calling a spot, so it should be well worth it to check out, if only to hear Triple H yell "OKAY, I'M GOING TO PIN YOU NOW, SO DON'T KICK OUT~!"

First, he was a rapper. Then he was sort of teetering on "rapper" and "gimmickless". Then he was a Marine. Then he was a former rapper and current Superman. But this all pales in comparison to John Cena's latest endeavor. WWE Films proudly presents '12 Rounds', directed by Renny Harlin, the guy who directed films such as Deep Blue Sea, Die Hard 2 and Cliffhanger. Die Hard 2? Cliffhanger? Surely, this movie is going to be The Marine 2, you say. It's not! Far from it, in fact. Where The Marine was about Marine John Triton, whose girlfriend is kidnapped by an evil crime lord, thus forcing Cena's character to wreak havoc upon the streets of wherever the hell they were to get his girl back, 12 Rounds is about a DETECTIVE, supposedly named Danny Baxter, whose girlfriend is kidnapped by an evil crime lord, thus forcing Cena's character to wreak havoc upon the streets of New Orleans to get his girl back. Clearly, John Cena has a broad acting range. All kidding aside, I haven't seen typecasting like this since Chuck fucking Norris, and it's only Cena's second movie! Thankfully, this stinker is going straight to DVD, since that's where WWE makes its movie profit anyway.

Step away from the strip clubs! Dumb-ass, woman-hating bastard Pacman Jones is at it again! Wanda S. Jackson, a lawyer, has accused Jones of sucker-punching her while inside the office of Atlanta's Body Tap Strip Club on January 3rd. Dear God. What happened here was, Pacman busted into the office to complain about his money and a bracelet being stolen. One would guess that he didn't exactly get what he wanted. Jackson says Pacman sucker-punched her and bruised her left eye as she followed him out of the office. Needless to say, Wanda here was looking to get Pacman arrested, and she already had a warrant application filed, but has withdrawn her petition as of this writing. If a warrant is ever issued, Pacman will be under arrest for a seventh time since being drafted sixth overall in 2005. What an overachiever.

In case you didn't hear J.R. say it on Monday night, Chris Jericho is currently suffering from a kayfabe bruised larynx and has burn marks on his neck following JBL's crazy near-lynching of Y2J the week before. Now, I don't know about you guys, but Jibble trying to hang a Canadian probably isn't exactly what some wrestling fans wanted to see following the Hanging That Never Existed. Anyway, Jericho is supposedly having trouble breathing and speaking. Oh, that's just fucking great. Here's a feud where Jibble and Jericho have the opportunity to verbally pwn each other, and Jericho can't say a damn word. Though, anyone who really knows me knows that I love ongoing "hindered by crazy injuries" angles (like HBK and RVD and those hilarious concussions), so I'll be waiting on bated breath to see how this plays out next week, should Y2J appear. Please appear with one of those tracheotomy talking devices.

Later this year, Toys R Us will be selling an exclusive Jerry Lawler vs. Andy Kaufman action figure set. Apparently my request for a John Stossel vs. "Dr. D" David Schultz action figure set fell on deaf ears. Damn it. Well, there's your least important news bit of the week, only because Courtney "Cuntney" Love was in that Andy Kaufman biopic.



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Consider this week a train wreck in progress, because tonight, I'm sitting down with a, uh, woman... who is womanly... and doesn't have a crazy 2-inch penis at all. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the chick who paid me 20 American dollars to say nice things about her during this intro... CHYNA~! Welcome to the show, Mister.

Chyna: Excuse me?

Hey, you said I had to be nice for the intro, not for the entire interview. Thanks for the 20 bucks, by the way; I decided to donate it towards the Please Choppy Choppy Chyna's Pee Pee Fund, which I just started before this interview.

Chyna: That's not funny!

Yes it is. I just donated $20 of your own money to a fund that benefits all those people who are now permanently scarred after watching your horrible sex tape. Let's talk about "1 Night in China", by the way. Joanie, Chyna, Manbeast... what ever possessed you to wreak havoc upon all of our eyes this way?

Chyna: Well---

And don't fuckin' lie to me. I want to know the honest-to-God reason you felt it was okay to let the entire universe see how you and your former prison bitch Sean Waltman have sex.

Chyna:[with a nervous chuckle] Hey, come on... Sean and I needed the money.

It's called a job, dude, and not of the "hand" or "rim" persuasion. I mean, this sex tape has been hailed as one of the nastiest of all time.

Chyna: I'll go ahead and assume you've never even seen it.

Hey, I value my eyesight and ability to sleep at night. Unfortunately, I have once seen a screenshot of that disgusting nub of a penis you have, thanks to some message board asshole who thought it'd make for a great show-and-tell. What in the hell is that thing?

Chyna: It's my---

Don't answer that. Rhetorical question. Not only did perverted men and curious wrestling fans get to see your crazy penis nub, they also got to take a real good look at your ass acne, something so horrible that it merits its own name of "Asscne". I mean, there's quite a few horrible things I've seen in my short 19 years of living, but your asscne just takes the cake!

Chyna: A-HA~! So you have seen the tape!

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Chyna: Well, it would've been nice if someone other than my uncle had bought every copy. He didn't even buy it for me; he bought it to watch Sean.

Gross. Don't be ashamed; everyone has a gay uncle, and anyone who denies it is a fucking liar. Speaking of Sean~! That guy's a freaky little bastard. From what I've read in reviews, Waltman actually went down on you in that tape. I personally think that any man who would sacrifice his own well-being to dive headfirst into your hedges must have a hell of a strong stomach, especially considering the giant X-Men mutant of a nub you've got there. How fucking gross. What the fuck is that? I mean, that has to be some kind of "DO NOT PUSH THIS BUTTON" deal. People must get crabs just by looking at it! Do yourself a favor and get rid of that thing. Cut it, smear it with Clearasil, dip it into battery acid... DO SOMETHING.

Chyna: ...

I see you're at a loss for words. Speaking of words, it's been almost seven years since you put out the literary Holocaust that is "If They Only Knew". That crap was ghostwritten, am I right?

Chyna: Of course not! I wrote it all by myself!

Many people have commented that the words in the book sound absolutely nothing like you. Plus, you're painfully self-absorbed. One Amazon.com review actually says, and I quote, "What does come out of her mouth is a non-stop orgy of self-congratulation, self-pity, mean-spirited digs, brown-nosing, and constant attempts to convince the reader (or is she really trying to convince HERSELF...?) how beautiful she is." Haha, actually these reviews are pretty fucking hilarious; you should read a few if you haven't already.

Chyna: I don't care about what any fat wrestling fans have to say!

Again with the fat fan stuff...

Chyna: That part of my life is OVER. I've done bigger and better things since then!

Celebrity Boxing, the Surreal Life - a haven for washed-up has-beens, a failed music career, and now you want in on Dancing with the Stars. Chyna, is the word "self-respect" in your vocabulary? Then again, considering that "If They Only Knew" is absolutely filled to the brim with run-on sentences and profanity, I wouldn't think so.

Chyna: I don't have to sit here and take this!

Oh, but you must! After all, thousands of people are looking forward to this. Why wouldn't you want to let them see how... pretty... you've gotten since leaving the WWE?

Chyna: Good point. I mean, I was easily the best-looking Diva in the company. Vince has no idea what he's missing out on.
Vince: A giant, stinky clit? No thanks - I'm married to one.
Chyna: FUCK YOU, VINCE. FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING FUCKER FUCKFACE FUCKER!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, Chyna has just revealed the title of her new book, out in book store bargain bins soon! Well, I'm calling it quits on this interview. Any closing words, Chyna?

Chyna:FUCKING FUCKER FUCKWAD FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK~!

That's sure to be a hell of a read. Remember, "Fuck You, Vince. Fuck You! You Fucking Fucker Fuckface Fucker!!!", on sale soon at Amazon.com for a penny. Join me next week for a chat with the world's most useless tag team of the last year or so... THE VOODOO KIN MAFIA~!

That's a wrap on this week's Deadface Walking! Pretend I just slaved over a hot stove and let me know how great my food column is by sending me an e-mail or leaving me a message via
MySpace. And, hey, I know you love this page and all, but there are other hilarious updates on the main page. Anthony Dean brings us the better-late-than-never edition of last week's SMACKDOWN RANT! Rey vs. Chavo AGAIN? Next there'll be an Eddie mention. There was? I'll be damned. Neil Cathan's obscenely late TNA FINAL RESOLUTION REPORT brings you Kurt Angle battling Christian Cage for the love and affection of AJ Styles! Justin Shapiro returns with RETRO HEAT, full of the same Heat-like goodness that got Heat canceled. I blame Todd Grisham. Cameron Burge returns with the RAW RANT. This week, a midget Royal Rumble begins! There would have been 30 little dudes battling, but Khali apparently ate the other 25. Remind me to thank him. Sean Carless fills in for James Swift with a one-time-only (we'll see about that~!) ECW ON SCI-FI RANT, hilariously titled ECW: WITH ENOUGH VELOCITY, YOU CAN CREATE HEAT. How did I never come up with that? And since this week's been so full of unfunny midget exploitation... Like a midget in a high jump competition, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).