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DEADFACE WALKING!: (01/11/08)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Once again, it's Deadface Walking, the internet's number one source of wrestling news for the bitter curmudgeon in you. I'm Catherine Perez, bringing you another week full of Deadfacey delight at the risk of burning my thighs with my laptop. The fucker overheats rather quickly, and by the end of this column, my legs will be sizzling and emitting a wonderful bacon aroma. Mmmmm... shit, now I'm hungry.

Big surprise - Triple H is said to be the most disliked person in WWE right now. F4WOnline.com reports that a few people were upset about the fact that H didn't bother to suggest that Ric Flair be put over in what could be Flair's final match in Greensboro, North Carolina. Wait, what? Was anyone really expecting him to disagree on not getting pinned?

Triple H: Vince. Please. I implore you. Let me lose to Ric tonight.
Vince: ...what the fuck are you smoking today?

Anyway, the heat on Triple H really heightened when he pretty much squashed, buried, and laid flowers on the proverbial grave of Booker T at SummerSlam. This burial was the straw that broke the camel's back, and Booker, well, booked the fuck out of WWE. With Booker being one of the most respected wrestlers in the locker room, many people were upset at how the whole situation went down. More recently, Triple H also buried Chris Jericho before Jericho had even made his return. In a sarcastic tone, H pranced over to anyone who would listen and say something to the extent of "WWE may have had some rough stretches in the past, but we're going to be fine now because our savior is coming back~!" Hahaha, that's actually pretty fuckin' funny. Trips is just mad because his return promos consisted of images that lacked of awesomeness - you know, that footage of him working out from many years ago. Wrestlers feel that H is being vindictive about Y2J because his own wife, Stephanie, was very high on bringing Jericho back. Needless to say, those same wrestlers think Triple H came off as a real petty guy. God forbid someone ever tells him that to his face.

He's hot... he's spicy... and he tastes great! Uh, so I hear. There's a rumor floating around saying that the recently kayfabe fired Christopher Daniels will be making his on-screen return to TNA as Curry Man. Yes, THE Curry Man. Honestly, I haven't a single bad thing to say about this. The guy wrestles with a plate of curry on his head, and he's spicy. Not only spicy, but SUPER spicy. If nothing else, Curry Man will at least be a funnier attempt at comedy than the fucking Angle Family Thanksgiving Dinner. Then again, with Jarrett, Russo and Mantel writing the shows, we'll probably just be looking forward to content befitting a "Worst of Curry Man" DVD.

And on a down note, Ashley Massaro is officially back in WWE... on RAW, with SUPER PUNK RAWK SCREAMIN' MUSIC~! Ashley made her return just in time for a lingerie pillow fight, the match that tests the crowd's apathy level for the second half of the night. There wasn't much of a reaction from the crowd, either... or maybe that's just how I remember it. This has got to be the longest 15 minutes of fame anyone will ever suffer through. I'm obviously not too thrilled about Ashley being on Raw. Unless it includes Beth Phoenix literally tearing Ashley's ass in half in her Amazonian RAGE, I'll be changing the channel frequently from now on.

While we're still on the subject of Divas who have nothing to bring to the proverbial table, Lena Yada, Slut Hunt loser, is now working for WWE as Smackdown's backstage interviewer. This most likely leaves previous interviewer Anastacia Rose, whoever the hell that is, without a job. Oh well.

Also, WWE has begun to drop very obvious hints about Maria posing for Playboy soon. They've begun to air what may be a series of backstage segments and whatnot that put over Maria's body, as you've seen Monday night with Maria and Vince talking about her tits being natural. Sure they are... Over at WWE.com, Maria and Ashley yap about Playboy. Man, these WWE guys are MASTERS of secrecy. After all, not a single soul could tell that Chris Jericho was behind the SAVE_US.222 campaign, right?

Chyna wants in on Dancing with the Stars! She and her publicist (who should be fired for ever thinking that people give a fuck about Chyna) have told TMZ.com that she is in talks with the Dancing producers. There's nothing quite like the visual of Chyna attempting to do the Hustle. PRODUCERS, BOOK HER. Then rename the show to "Dancing with the Washed-Up Has-Beens". Wait a sec. That's basically the premise of the show already. Speaking of not-exactly-wrestling personalities attempting to dance, Brooke Hogan, musical nonprodigy and seed of Hulk Hogan, is also wanting to dance with the stars. The Sun, a U.K.-based newspaper, has an article written about this, and they say that Hulk's success with American Gladiators (whose debut got something under a 5.0 rating) can help Brooke land a gig on the dance-a-thon. Hey, if Hulk Hogan being HULK FUCKING HOGAN couldn't help Brooke's music career, perhaps it's time for Brooke to just get a regular job at Target or something.

Juventud Guerrera strikes again~! After bombing in his live concert debut over in Mexico, Da Yoose snatched the microphone at AAA's annual company Christmas party and asked if anyone wanted to listen to him sing. According to reports, everyone answered with a resounding "NO", but, unlike that concert crowd, the party attendees were treated to the abysmal vocal stylings of Juventud Guerrera. I think it'd be just spiffy if Juvi's band was called Juvi and Los Putos. I'd buy every album just because.

Brock Lesnar, you know, that guy who was once the Next Big Thing, then attempted to sue Vince straight into welfare years later, will be making his UFC debut next month at UFC 81: Breaking Point. He'll be going against Frank Mir. Sucks to be that guy. Lesnar is being billed as a "wrestling superstar" instead of "that guy who left wrestling to fumble some footballs". For a guy who was number 69 in the Minnesota Vikings, his UFC debut certainly has turned me off to mixed martial arts forever. Not that I gave much of a damn for the stuff before. And that's your least interesting news bit of the week.

Christ, will wrestling news ever be plentiful again?


Welcome back, shoot fans, to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Tonight, I've got the inside scoop on a story so shocking, it might even involve Britney Spears. Well... no, it doesn't. BUT IT'S STILL SHOCKING. This is a matter that's been on my mind for months, and damn it, I must know what the fuck is going on! Without any further ado, I'd like to welcome my guest, the possibly-former Mrs. Undertaker... SARA NO-LAST-NAME~!

Sara: [sobs uncontrollably]

Suck it up, Sara, we've got conspiracy theories to talk about!

Sara: SHE DESTROYED MY FAMILY~!

We'll get to that. Now, Sara, you and the Undertaker, if that is his real name, are a very happy couple. Wrestling fans think you two are perfect for each other! Well, at least, I do. But, then, we saw 'Taker on the cover of the November 2007 issue of WWE Magazine, with his 'Sara' tattoo Photoshopped the fuck out:


Sara: Why? Why would he do that?! I GAVE HIM THE BEST YEARS OF HIS POSTMORTEM LIFE!

Try to maintain your composure, Sara. Now, following the release of this magazine, there was much speculation as to why that tattoo had to be removed from all Undertaker pictures thereafter. THEN, as if that's not enough to send poor Sara here over the edge, many wrestling fans have witnessed Undertaker spending loads of... quality time... with the former Miss Hancock wannabe, Michelle McCool.

Sara: HOOOOOOOOOMEWRECK-ARRRRRRRRRR~!

Sara, were you ever aware of Michelle's evil plan to replace you as Mrs. Undertaker?

Sara: No! Oh my God, that whore... who does she think she is?!

I know! The nerve of that woman! Speaking of which, have you seen how she's trying to be you on Smackdown?

Sara: ...what?

Hell yeah! Show her what I mean, truck monkeys!


Sara: Hey... that's not Undertaker! Who is that?

Oh, nevermind that guy; he's probably on his way to unemployment next week anyway.

Chuck Palumbo: Hey, fuck you!

Fuck YOU.

Palumbo: Fuck YOU~! Don't make me beat your ass with these soup bones.
Sara: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Palumbo: HEY! Shut the fuck up, or you'll SLUMBER... IN... TRANQUILITY~!

...you fucking loser. Give it up, already! You and Michelle look like a couple of Halloween costume contest losers!

Michelle McCool: Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint lickerrrr?!
Everyone: ...

McCool: I just lurrrve that commercial, y'all~!
Sara: HOOOOOOOOOOOOMEWRECK-AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!

[Sara leaps from her seat and tackles the shit out of Michelle, and a textbook catfight ensues.]

HAHAHAHAHA!

Joey Styles: CATFIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT~! CAT. FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!
Don West: PELE KICK! RIGHT. IN. THE. FAAAAAAACE!
Michael Cole: NOT THIS WAY! NOT. THIS. WAY! My God, this is some tasty fucking Yoo-Hoo.* OHHHHH MY~!

HAHAHAHAHA-- Cole, get the fuck off my show. HAHAHAHAHA!

Jerry Lawler: PUPPIES! C'MERE, PUPPIES! WOOF, WOOF!
Jim Ross: BAH GAWD, KEENG. SARA HAS JUST BROKEN MICHELLE McCOOL IN HA-YUFF~!
Tony Schiavone: This is the greatest night in the history of our sport. It truly is. Fuck all the other times I've said it.

AAAAAAHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA~! I LOVE MY JOB.

Undertaker: [wandering into the studio] Hey, Michelle, I just heard the funniest fuckin' joke!

Susan Saint James: Uh-oh~!

['Taker stops in his tracks and observes the carnage: Sara and Michelle tearing into each other limb by limb, generations of wrestling commentators calling the impromptu match like only they can, and our hostess turning beet red from all the laughter. Suddenly, everyone stops to look at him.]

Undertaker: ...Sara! Hi! I've missed you SO much, honey.
Sara: ...what did you do to my tattoo?
Undertaker: [quickly covering his neck] N-nothing. Seriously. I swear.

Looks like you had "IS TOO OLD FOR ME" tattooed right under "SARA".

Undertaker: Heh, yeah. Hurt like hell, too. I MEAN... SARA, DON'T BE MAD.
Sara: Mad? Me? Nah, I'm not mad.
Undertaker: Oh. Cool.
Sara: I'M FUCKIN' FURIOUS~! What the hell am I going to do with this "MARK" tattoo on my neck?

Well, you could always alter it to "I MARK FOR KANE".

Undertaker: Dude, SO not cool.
Kane: Pfft, please. I've been dying to pork your wife since you got married! So, um, Sara... do you mind being on the bottom? 'Cause I like to have sex in empty graves that I dig up in my yard, and being on the bottom makes me kinda claustrophobic. Oh, and uh, if you could lay still for the entire time, that'd make my life.
Sara: Oh my God, ew.

Seriously. Kane... you're a really sad dude.

Kane: [hanging his head in shame] I know. I haven't had sex since that whole Lita thing, and that left me with some nasty discharge on my penis the doctors keep referring to as "Oil of OLE~!" No idea what that means.

...WAY too much information, Kane.

McCool: Hey, come on, y'all, we didn't all come here to talk about Kane's nasty sex life!

That's right! We're here to put all these crazy rumors to rest. So, Undertaker, what the hell is up with you and Michelle being spotted together very frequently lately?

Sara: SHE'S A HOMEWRECKING WHOREBAG!

Hey, come on. Leave that shit for Jerry Springer. 'Taker, Homewrecking Whorebag, any comments at all? No? I guess I'll have to play the slideshow. ROLL IT~!

Susan Saint James: Uh-oh!


That's 'Taker and Michelle posing for that oh-so-expensive Affliction clothing line.

Undertaker: That was Photoshopped, I swear!

Mhm.


Pretty small, but bear with me. This is 'Taker at a jewelry store, with someone who appears to be Michelle in the background. Purchasing a brand new wedding ring, Mr. Undertaker?

Sara: OH MY GOD.
McCool: How can that be me, y'all? You can barely see me-- er, that woman.


Undertaker: Hey, wait a minute...
Sara: YOU BITCH, YOU STOLE MY CLOTHES?!
Palumbo: You bitch, you stole her clothes?
McCool: NO! CATHERINE, YOU PHOTOSHOPPED THAT!
Michael Cole: THIS 2-ON-1 AFFAIR JUST TURNED INTO A HANDICAP MATCH~!

...wow, Cole... Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Don't you doubt my credentials! Besides, I think I've made my point here, and, look, I don't think I need to point out the blatant theft in Michelle's current gimmick as the Sara to Chuck's Biker Undertaker. Closing words, anyone?

Sara: I hate you. ALL OF YOU~!
Undertaker: Come on, Sara! I love you! But I just can't stand to be with someone who's as old as you are. That's why I'm with Michelle now. She's younger!
Sara: I'M ONLY 30!
McCool: I'm almost 28!
Undertaker: Ew, seriously? Michelle, we're over. It's not you... it's me.

Are you some kind of statutory rapist who's playing it safe?

Undertaker: ...of course not! Hehe.

Riiiight. Any other closing words?

Joey Styles: OHMYGOD~!
Don West: I CAN'T FREAKIN' BELIEVE THIS.
Michael Cole: THE DOG POOP! THE DOG POOP! THE DOG POOP!
Jerry Lawler: Poop? Poopies? PUPPIES! ARF, ARF!
Jim Ross: This was a SLOBBERKNOCKER of an interview segment, by gawd, hot sauce.
Tony Schiavone: Okay, I said it earlier, but this truly is the greatest night in the history of the sport. TRULY. I would never say this about any other night.

It is such a chore to listen to you guys all at the same time. Alright! Join me next week when I sit down and talk to the pathetic trainwreck we've all come to know as CHYNA~!

Susan Saint James: Uh-oh!

On behalf of Sara, Undertaker, Michelle McCool, Chuck Palumbo and the throngs of people who magically made their way past my security guards... SO LONG~!

That's all for this week's Deadface Walking. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated, and you can send your questions, comments and death threats via e-mail or MySpace. If you haven't already, you may proceed to check out this week's updates, guaranteed to make your colon explode from laughter: Charley Martin returns with the TNA IMPACT RANT. It's GAUNTLET NIGHT, and something tells me that Vince Russo's touching himself in satisfaction. British Bullfrog makes his return to TWF with THE HOSS WHISPERER. Gotta love the name. This week, Bullfrog begins his "assault on the bad taste" by attempting to find out just why in the fuck we're all suffering through this whole Hornswoggle thing. Cameron Burge brings us another heartwarming episode of the RAW RANT! The Raw Roulette returns, and God shuts the audio off on Hornswoggle and Vince McMahon! It's like a Christmas miracle, only really fucking late. And if all these hilarious updates aren't enough to help you satisfy your urge to sleep with a llama (or whatever the hell it is that your perverted self likes to do), Sean Carless brings us a Retro Rant. This week, it's 2005's ROYAL RUMBLE Vince McMahon tore both his quads on this show. Then they magically glued themselves back together three weeks later. Oh, and there's a hilarious photoshop of Randy Orton ducking away from a fuckin' dinosaur, so you should check that out. And like Richard Simmons standing in front of an open closet, I'm out~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).