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DEADFACE WALKING!: (01/04/08)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome to the first Deadface of the new year~! I, of course, am Catherine Perez, typing up some Deadfacey goodness on my brand new laptop. There's a good chance I just wanted to brag right there. Happy New Year, everyone! The world has let their balls drop one more time, and now it's 2008. What does this year bring for us, the wrestling fans? Who knows? One thing's for certain: ECW will continue to suck. I mean, I'm no psychic, but it doesn't take a third eye to see that ECW probably won't be around come December. Hell, maybe I'm wrong. God, let me be right just this one time. Anyway, let's begin with some bad news.

In case you haven't heard, Vince McMahon has made his choice as to who will be replacing JBL on the Smackdown announce team. Smackdown fans, say hello to a guy who has always shocked us with his lack of decent color commentary skills... JONATHAN COACHMAN~!!!111 I've said this a million times before, but here it is for the millionth and first time: I'm so glad I don't watch Smackdown. According to some websites, there is some uncertainty amongst many within WWE about Vince's choice - and who can blame them? Where's Heidenreich when you need him?

It has been all but confirmed that Davey Boy Smith's kid, Harry "D.H." Smith was brought to Raw and given a very short push to be made an example of. The head honchos were well aware of Smith's violation of the Wellness Policy before Smith was called up to the main roster, and he was likely suspended to show the mainstream media guys that they don't hesitate to suspend one of their "big stars". Pathetic. Smith has since returned, but has been thrown into the WWE Heat heap. How sad. Does anyone with no Heat on TV actually log on to watch that shit? I see that as an advantage for Smith; at least no one in America will ever know he was on that awful show.

Hey, is that a pig soaring past your house? WWE is seriously planning to release DVDs for "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Sting this year. This is infinitely more shocking than any old Jeff Jarrett DVD, readers. It's common knowledge among most of the Internet Wrestling Community that Vince McMahon loathes Savage with a fiery passion - you know, that kind of hate you guys get from your girlfriends after a very nasty break-up - and those rumors of Savage stuffing his Slim Jim into a then-underage Stephanie McMahon's cooter (not really one that I believe myself, honestly) doesn't exactly help quell Vince's hatred either. Sting, on the other hand, has never, ever worked for WWE, and most likely never will (though, stranger things have happened). Of course, you can't not laugh at the fact that WWE's ready to make a shitload of money off of Sting without ever having him work there. I'm now convinced that WWE bought out WCW for the sole purpose of releasing a Sting DVD. Awesome strategy, Vince.

Guess who's got the most televised wins on WWE TV for 2007? Amazingly, it's not John Cena, but rather CM Punk, with 48 wins to his record. Jeff Hardy followed with 44 wins. That's 44 matches I don't remember. Congratulations to Punk and all that good stuff. Now, I'm sure this leaves many Cena haters with very little cannon fodder to start off the year, but I'm quite sure that Cena's probably got the most pay-per-view wins (or at least the second-most main events next to Batista) of '07, though don't quote me on it. A little water to wash down all that Cena and Batista crammed into our throats, please~! Speaking of Batista, he holds the 2007 record for most wins altogether, televised and nontelevised, with 132. Dear God. Cena, of course, comes in second with 115, followed by Kane (113?!), CM Punk (108), and Jeff Hardy (105).

The March 2008 issue of Hustler Magazine will feature a two-page spread consisting of nude photos of Nancy Benoit, dated back to when she was married to Jim Daus. Right... because there's nothing better than rubbing one out to postmortem porn, apparently. Thanks, Hustler, you guys are just filling the proverbial brim with tact and tastefulness.

The Weekend Warrior's "Terrible 25 [Movies] of '07" list on ComingSoon.net features both Dwayne Johnson (not The Rock anymore, because Johnson likes to act as if his wrestling career never existed) and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and their respective movies Southland Tales and The Condemned. The Condemned was ranked as the third-worst movie of the year, while Southland Tales got top honors (and beating out Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie for Theatres). The Game Plan, another Johnson flick I never saw, also made the list at number 22, regardless of it doing well in theaters. Oh, and it was tied with Disney's Wild Hogs. Ouch.

Of all the wrestling events to not no-show, Scott Hall made his return to Insane Clown Posse's Juggalo Championshit Wrestling. Hahaha! It's being said that Hall knows he fucked up, and is hoping for a second chance with TNA. Why bother? I doubt Hall can draw a cracked nickel these days anyway. And that's your least important news bit of the week.



Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! This week, I'll be sitting down with a guy who possesses the ability to force thousands of viewers to lift their remotes and press that oft-ignored Mute button. This is a guy who was raped on cable television and lived to tell the tale. Then again, he never did tell us the details of that strange night. Ladies and gentlemen... MICHAEL COLE~! Michael, why haven't you told anyone about Rapefest 2004?

Cole: I WASN'T RAPED~! Heidenreich read me a poem, and he made me thank him for it!

Sure he did. Look, Mike, we all saw the footage. It's on YouTube for fuck's sake. He straight-up tossed your salad. Admit it.

Cole: He did not! Look, can we not talk about this?

THE WRESTLING FANS HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW~! Did he rape you... or did he rape you?

Cole: That's not fair!

We don't all call the guy Heidenrape because he's a modern-day Robert Frost, Michael! HE RAPED YOU.

Cole: ALRIGHT. If I tell you he raped me, will you drop the subject?

Of course.

Cole: Alright, then. He did. He fuckin' raped me.

Now, was that so hard? Actually, I'm pretty surprised you could sit down at that announce table after just about getting your intestines scrambled. You've been raped more than once before that televised ass pummeling, haven't you?

Cole: Can we PLEASE change the subject?

Fine, fine. So, what's it like to be one of the least liked commentators in the WWE?

Cole: Hey, I'm just doing my job!

Speaking of which, Jonathan Coachman just got a new job commentating next to you on Smackdown. Wrestling fans all over the world need to know... why?

Cole: Why what?

Why does Vince want us to suffer?

Cole: You?! What about me?!
Raven: WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?!

Raven, you don't do commentary on Smackdown.

Raven: And I'm fucking glad, too! By the way, how's that ass holding up, Michael?

Cole: BAH!!!

Hahaha! Hell of a guy, isn't he, Cole?

Cole: I hate this interview.

As if I'm thrilled to be talking to you! Hell, I could be having a meaningful conversation with Raven right about now, but nooooo, I'm sitting here with Bud fucking Bundy.

Cole: Bud Bundy? I don't look like Bud Bundy!

Christ, Cole, ever heard of a mirror?

Cole: ...why do you hate me?

You suck, plain and simple. I'd rather listen to Tony Schiavone on a weekly basis.

Schiavone: This is the greatest interview in the history of our sport.

Hey, thanks, Tony! Now fuck off.

Schiavone: ...
Cole: You know what? FUCK YOU GUYS! I'm hostin' a God damned national television show, so I must be doing something right! What the fuck are you doin'?! HUH?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN'?!

I'm hosting a God damned national television show.

Cole: ...oh.

Yeah. Dude, save yourself from further embarrassment and get the fuck off my set. That's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week when I blow the muh'fuckin' lid off one of the biggest homewrecking stories EVER~! when I sit down with Sara Calaway, the former(?) Mrs. Undertaker!

That does it for this edition of Deadface Walking! As you all should know by now, feedback is greatly appreciated via e-mail and MySpace
. And now, shameless pluggery! THE FANNY AWARDS~!.  Sean Carless then reposts some classic TWF Satire with WWE ACQUIRES THE HISTORY CHANNEL! Vince gets his grubby paws on the History Channel, and all hell breaks loose! Hey, I don't remember any Billy the Kidman! Next, relive 2004's ROYAL RUMBLE, where a blurred mass of nonexistence overcame the odds and won a chance to headline Wrestlemania~! Cameron Burge returns with the RAW RANT! Raw's back in North Carolina - it's like a game of Peek-a-boo, except WWE would rather take roaring cheers over uproarious, childlike laughter. "SURELY THEY WILL CHEER THIS TIME~!" James Swift makes his return with the ECW ON SCI-FI RANT! That jobber guy's back to get his shit stomped again... are you interested yet? I didn't think so. And like a deadbeat father avoiding child support payments, I'm out!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).