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DEADFACE WALKING!: (12/28/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, the number one wrestling column amongst state psychiatric hospitals. That's something to be proud of... I think. I'm, of course, Catherine Perez, your hostess and first-time Fanny Award nominee. My fanny is quite the sight to behold, as are the fannies of the many staff members here at The Wrestling Fan (well, at least I think so... why else would they be nominated?), so I hope you all have put in one vote towards this year's Writer of the Year poll. I don't know what my ass has to do with my writing skill, but I'll be damned if I don't get bragging rights for having the best one of the entire staff. So, if you did vote, thank you very much. Sir Mix a Lot would be proud. Hope everyone had a nice Christmas, by the way.

Holy shit. TNA's actually coming out with a "Best of Jeff Jarrett" DVD. Fortunately, it's on hold until Jarrett returns to TNA, which won't be happening anytime soon. In the meantime, let's check out the DVD's cover art:



Hey, that's pretty spiffy! It even features the same layout format used in all of TNA's shitty DVD and poster art. I totally can't wait to not pick this DVD up when it's released to local Walmart DVD bargain bins.

Buff Bagwell has told the Atlanta Journal Constitution that, "If Chris Benoit was alive today, he would say, 'Man, I can't believe Bagwell outlived me.'" Read that quote one more time. Hey, Bagwell, if Benoit was alive today, how in the blue hell would you outlive him? Dumbass. Like Mark Twain once said, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Smart guy, that Twain. Bagwell? Not so much, obviously.

Dean Malenko, Mickie James, Chris Jericho, JBL, Ron Simmons and Carlito were stranded in an Iraqi war zone during their Tribute to the Troops trip when their chopper was damaged in a landing. The six were marooned in Tarmiyah for five hours, where they stood in the middle of fires, smoke bombs, animal carcasses and razor wire. People say it was the best episode of Lost never made, with Lost's co-producer J.J. Abrams going so far as to say, "Hey, fuck those writers on strike! Those WWE guys know what they're doin'! Next season, we're taping our shows in Iraq - THE STUFF WRITES ITSELF~!" Much of the cast proceeded to shit themselves, leaving the air smelling of fear and bad catering. I'm telling you, I've got a talent for deviating from the initial subject.

Lacey Von Erich can officially enjoy the rest of her life. Lacey's profile has been removed from the Florida Championship Wrestling website. It hasn't been confirmed if she's actually been shitcanned from WWE, but reports state that she just wasn't picking up on the wrestling stuff quick enough, and she hasn't appeared in an FCW show in several weeks. Lacey's dad, Kerry Von Erich, can rest easy now - and, hell, so can we; the last thing we need is another WWE Diva who can't pick up on pro wrestling fast enough and has to shake her coconuts in Vince's office during Raw broadcasts in the meantime. I'm pretty sure that's the last thing Kerry wants to see in any Von Erich DVD in the future anyway.

A few weeks ago, Ric Flair had agreed to a contract... that will expire at the end of 2010. Holy hell. Well, there is a very thin silver lining. Flair's current contract expires on the 8th of next month, and he has yet to sign to the Contract from Hell. Hey, it's not that I hate Flair or anything. The guy just needs to go. There's absolutely nothing left for the guy to do in WWE. I'm convinced that Flair is only kept on the roster to elicit some sort of reaction out of otherwise dead silent North Carolina crowds. Why not bill all the wrestlers as coming from North Carolina every time they run a show there? Why not just reunite the Hardys? Hell, bring the Hardys, bring Gregory Helms, bring Shannon Moore - just make one big O.M.E.G.A. reunion match! Anything but Ric Flair. I can only take so much of a legendary wrestler who's barely done anything of relevance in the last three or so years. Ric Flair fans need not send hate mail.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin has legally changed his name to Steve Austin. Um... okay. Whatever you need to feel more alive, Steve. Maybe I'll change my name to Katherine Perez. I've always liked the K better than the C.

The curse of the Triple H nameplate continues! Reader Matt H. informed me earlier this week via e-mail about WWE.com's
Royal Rumble page, where a picture of Randy Orton and Jeff Hardy adorns the main graphic area. Orton is holding his WWE Championship belt, which has, again, a Triple H nameplate on it. Christ, those WWE.com techies are some lazy fuckers... or is Orton too busy holding his wife's cooter in a chin lock (that's right, her cooter has a chin) to take a single picture anymore? Somebody needs to get his shit together. Then again, for a guy who puts little effort into improving his skills ("Jericho, you... you... have a big mouth!" - 2004, "You see, I had a lot of respect for Shawn. But for Rob Van Dam... I have no respect for him." - 2007), it's nice to see WWE.com put just as much effort into Orton-related visuals.

TNA's website has posted an article where they brag about Christy Hemme currently beating all past WWE Diva Playboy covergirls in the oft talked about online poll for favorite cover. While Torrie Wilson's May 2003 cover started out in the lead, Hemme is way ahead in first place, with 212,068 votes for her cover as of this writing. Ashley Massaro, shockingly, trails behind with 119,408 votes, and Torrie rounds out the top 3 with 112,865 votes. How exactly did Ashley's cover, the poorest-selling WWE Diva covergirl edition of Playboy ever, get that many votes? Ah, that's right; Ashley utilized her MySpace blogging skills to make her adoring fans - mostly made up of young girls who didn't buy the magazine - vote for her. Sure, Christy did the same thing, but her magazine wasn't the poorest-selling WWE Diva covergirl edition of Playboy ever, was it? Anyway, TNAWrestling.com definitely made a big story out of this, even mentioning the currently-losing WWE Divas by name in all their excitement. Uh, congratulations? Yeah. It'll be funny when Chyna's cover becomes the out-of-nowhere winner.

Speaking of Chyna~! In an interview with ClubWWI.com, former WWE diva Jazz comments on Chyna: "I don't really know her. So there's not much I can really say about her as a person. But as far as in-ring work, I don't feel she could lace my boots, and I have Velcro. I don't think she can strap my Velcro as far as in-ring work. Yeah, she could probably out-bench me on the benchpress or legpress or some squats, but in-ring work, I don't think she can touch me." You're damn skippy, hippie! But, hey, Jazz isn't trying to be a bitch here; there's a whole load of things Chyna can't do, including:

- Give men boners.
- Act.
- Sing.
- Keep 25 people of out 40 from stampeding out of her concert after only three songs.
- Execute dropkicks.
- Entertain.
- Speak like she isn't some kind of alien.
- Apply Proactiv to her ass.
- Make Celebrity Boxing interesting.
- Keep men from running away from her vienna sausage-like extra appendage..

Of course, the list goes on and on and on, but damn it, CHYNA TRIES... to make us all hate her. It works very well, considering Jazz's comments and all.

And speaking of Ashley~! She is now contractually cleared to return to the ring, since Survivor: China ended on 12/16. Fuck. Ah, what the hell do I care? I don't even watch Smackdown. NO RATINGS FOR YOU!

This week in "Damian Demento is a Fucking Psycho Jobber", Demento has new videos up, including one where he "dies". Most reports are saying that Demento is mostly acting in these videos, and it's a good thing, too; it'd be a real-life Al Snow failure story, where a jobber goes insane due to his losses, if he wasn't. Actually, that'd be so cool, and it'd be all over Nancy Grace. Nancy would be, as usual, pissed off like she didn't get her daily supply of Alpo, and she'd chew Demento the hell out for being a nutjob, and then she'd ignore Demento every time he tried to speak, and we'd all laugh our asses off. By the way, since I really don't care about Demento anyway, this has been your least important news bit of the week.



Welcome back, shoot fans, to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! If all my other interviews are any indication, this next interview is sure to be interesting, at best. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a guy who's supposed to be some big, savage Samoan guy... UMAGA~! And helping me to understand Umaga's ramblings is none other than some big, mild-mannered Samoan guy... SAMOA JOE~!

Umaga: RAAAAAHHHHH SAMOA!
Joe: Catherine, why'd you bring me here?

Uh, to translate Umaga's Samoa speak.

Joe: He's not really speaking Samoan!

He's not? Well, damn, good luck. So, Umaga, it's a pleasure to have you here. How was your Christmas?

Umaga: ...
Joe: ...

Ahem.

Joe: ...

Well? Fuckin' translate what I said for Umaga!

Joe: But he doesn't even speak Samoan! He just spews out stupid bullshit!
Umaga: BAAAH AAAAAAHHHHHHHH SAMOA!
Joe: See?

Definitely. We might have to use ink blots or something.

Joe: Ink blots? What the hell is this, a Kevin Nash PCS test?
Umaga: BOO, BOO, BALOO~!

What the hell? You know what, I need Armando Estrada. Somebody get me Estrada!

Joe: Can I go now?

Hell no! You're not leaving me alone with this guy!

Umaga: DAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

[Umaga throws his chair across the set and stomps around.]

SOMEBODY GET ME ESTRADA!

Erik Estrada: Would you like to buy some land in the California Pines?

...Erik Estrada. Not the Estrada I wanted.

Umaga: RAAAAAAHHHHH ERIK ESTRADA BLAH DOO BOOG BLARGH RIP-OFF~!

[Umaga proceeds to throw Estrada out a window.]

Erik Estrada: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Cool! Now, seriously, somebody get me Armando Estrada!

Joe: Can I go now?

God damn it, no! I mean, can't you take a break from running on TNA's giant hamster wheel to nowhere?

Joe: Meh, good point.
Umaga: BLARGH DIP DOOBAH TEE DAH!

Dude, can't you even make the effort to translate?

Joe: No.

Fine, then, um... give him some candy or something!

Joe: What're you trying to say? I've always got candy on me 'cause I'm fat?

[Umaga reaches into Joe's pocket, much to Joe's horror, and pulls out a King-sized bar of Snickers.]

Umaga: BLAH BEE TOOPKAH BLAAAAAHHHH DELICIOUS.

What? I swear this guy's just messing with me like Khali was. Joe, calm your tense ass down; the very last thing I need is you pulling a Demento and kicking my ass.

Damian Demento: Who the hell... just called me... a jobber?

Demento? Hey, I almost didn't recognize you since you weren't lying on your back and all. How the hell did you get in here?

Demento: Uh... my YouTube shoot set is right next door.
Joe: You mean you live next door... in the storage closet?
Demento: ...yeah. Okay, look, I just came over here to borrow your camera for a sec. Mine ran out of batteries.

You're a damn liar. What'd you really come here for?

Demento: Okay, okay. I heard a rumor that Vince McMahon knows about this little show so...

[Demento drops to his knees in front of the cameras and clasps his hands together.]

Demento: VINCE! LOOK, I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO BACK IN 1993! I GOT A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO TALK ABOUT ME, AND ALL I NEEDED WAS YOUTUBE! CAN I PLEASE COME BACK NOW?! CAN I?! VIIIIIIIIIIIINCE~!

...wow.

Joe: Pathetic.
Umaga: Boog.

Demento... get off my set. You're getting shame all over my expensive rugs.

Demento [as he gets to his feet]: I'LL SHOW YOU I'M STILL RELEVANT! I'LL SHOW ALL OF YOU! I'M STILL RELEVANT! I STILL MATTER!

SECURITY~!

[Several security guards tackle Demento and drag him back to his storage closet.]

Demento: I'M STILL RELEVAAAAAAAAAAAAA---

...hm. They must've used the stun gun.

Joe: If you can get me a tape of what just happened here, that'd be great.

No problem. WELL. It looks like we're not getting Armando Estrada in here tonight, so let's just end the show on a high note.

Armando Estrada: Ha ha~!
Umaga: ZOMG BLARGH BA GOOGAPOF!!!
Estrada: I missed joo too, joo beeg brute!

TOO LATE, ASSHOLE!

Estrada: 'Ey, dat's only a loss for JOO! Ha ha~!

Whatever. Join me next week, shoot fans, when I interview a guy that everyone likes to press "Mute" on... MICHAEL COLE!

Joe, Estrada & Umaga: Ewww!

Yeah, I know! On behalf of Samoa Joe, Umaga, Erik Estrada, Jobber Demento, and Armando Estrada---

Estrada: No, no! Ees ARRRRRRMANDOOOOOO ALEJAAAAANDROOOOOOO ESTRRRRRRRADAAAAA~!

Hey, that's great. Goodnight!

And that's a wrap on this week's Deadface! As always, feedback is appreciated via e-mail and
MySpace. Also take the time to check out this week's updates if you haven't already: Harry Simon returns with more Vaulty goodness as he takes a look at Coliseum Video's 2ND BATTLE OF THE WWF SUPERSTARS! If a segment all about Jim Duggan's wood is your cup of tea, Harry's got your back. Anthony Dean returns, and shirtless Ranjin Singh debuts, in the SMACKDOWN RANT! How many lumps of coal does Shirtless Punjabi Translator Guy equal? Join the TWF Staff as we present to you the gift of our favorite columns that you've read before with TWF READER GIFTS~! What were you expecting, something expensive? Sean Carless returns with a Holiday satire that'll warm the cockles of your heart, as Denis Leary would say, with THE NIGHT BEFORE CHHHRISTMAS~! Last, but most definitely not least, James Swift ditches the 3-minute debacle called Best of ECW 2007 to bring you A VERY EXTREME CHRISTMAS! A very heartwarming tale, indeed. And like Stephen Hawking in a breakdancing contest, I'm out!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).