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DEADFACE WALKING!: (12/21/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, the internet's favorite source of wrestling news, senseless ramblings, and funny photoshops, all rolled up into an epic clusterfuck. I'm Catherine Perez, the lady who'd like to drop her last name after laying her eyes on the horrible, absolutely frightening sight that is Perez Hilton, whose giant head gives Don West a run for his money. Dear God, if there's ever a guy who needs to learn how to use Photoshop, it's this Paris Hilton fanboy. Anyway, I'm finally on vacation from school. That's right: an entire month of me not doing anything to further my college career. Awesome. Maybe I can go on a scavenger hunt for Jimmy Hoffa's body or something. Now, without any further ado, let's begin!

Raw ring announcer Lilian Garcia has fallen... again. Someone get this woman Life Alert! At Sunday's Armageddon show, Lilian somehow fell before announcing Beth Phoenix as the winner of the Women's title match against Mickie James. Good Christ, Lilian. This marks an anniversary of sorts for Lilian, who fell in that very arena in Pittsburgh last year when Charlie Haas bounced her the hell off the ring apron. This somehow set off a chain of events full of unexplained falls and random injuries, the likes of which would put my grandmother and her faulty leg to shame six times over. Won't someone just strap Lilian to her seat? Better yet, why not get her a dropkick-proof Popemobile before she magically transforms into Kevin Nash?

Ashley Massaro told Survivor: China host Jeff "Anal" Probst (see that? I made a funny) on their Live Reunion show that her fans are "really great" about her appearing on Survivor, and also can't wait to see her back in a WWE ring. Uh, are you sure about that, Ashley? As someone who thought for about a week during the beginning of 2005's Slut Hunt that Ashley might be the star of the bunch, I can wait until the end of civilization, and I know quite a few folks who are willing to wait with me. Why not try to retire from wrestling and start a rock band or something? Do something. Anything. Anything but wrestling.

Some of you wrestling fans have already come to this realization, but for those who are still all over Triple H's ass over it, I bring you this: After recapping Armageddon, I've gotten quite a few e-mails from people stating that the picture of Randy Orton at Armageddon carrying a WWE title with a Triple H nameplate on it is the very same Orton picture from No Mercy earlier in the year. It's all WWE.com's fault. This was either some elaborate hoax to get the IWC talking, or Orton's won that belt so many God-forsaken times that WWE.com's techies, lazy as they are, figured putting up ANY old Orton picture would suffice. This confirms to me that no one gives a fuck about Randy Orton's title reign. Next time, the techies can get off their asses and steal screen caps from every Orton fan site. They still love Randy. I think.

Hulk Hogan has told BuddyTV.com that he regrets putting his family in the spotlight with his Hogan Knows Best reality show. We all do, Hulk. We all do. Suffering through the lows and way lows of Brooke's singing career is something that no TV viewer should ever have to tolerate. I'll pray that Hogan's show has finally kicked the bucket.

Hey~! Remember Eve Torres? Neither does the rest of the planet. The Diva Search '07 winner has just received her wrestling license in Kentucky, and will be training in Louisville's Ohio (Ohio? In Kentucky?) Valley Wrestling next week. Waaaait a minute! After we've all witnessed the Diva Search botch machines in Ashley Massaro and Candice Michelle, among others, those Kentucky people couldn't possibly have willingly given Eve a wrestling license. There's gotta be an explanation in the license itself:


Aha~! Damn those fake licenses...


Andrew "Not Test" Martin has claimed in his blog to be retiring from pro wrestling after he finishes a wrestling tour in Ireland next March. After a serious discussion with his girl... Kelly Kelly (nearly 13 years his junior)... he has decided that Ireland will be his "last hurrah." I know, I'm surprised too; who would have thought that Kelly was capable of having serious discussions? Test also put himself over for never kissing Vince McMahon's ass. Hey, that's great, Test. It's nice to know he never planted his lips on a McMahon with an ass big enough to have its own Congressman. Good for him. Happy retirement and all that. I'm sure it'll be just awesome to live a life where Kelly Kelly brings home the hefty paychecks.

There is a feeling within WWE that Mr. Kennedy's current feud with Shawn Michaels is a "sink or swim" opportunity. If Kennedy doesn't stand out in this feud, he'll be thrown into mid-card status afterward. To prevent this, Kennedy has been seeking the advice of anyone and everyone, including creative team writers, on how to improve in the ring. Why ask a bunch of reject Hollywood writers who probably don't even know his name? Kennedy is also said to have little confidence in his abilities as a performer, which could explain the revolving door of finishers he's been using lately. So, Kennedy will take advice from ANYONE? Well, he's in luck, because I've fuckin' got some:

1.) Bring back the Green Bay Plunge. That's the finisher that made us all turn our heads and notice Kennedy. Fucking use it a little more.
2.) Be cockier and more arrogant. Kennedy plays this role very well, but he's somehow not playing it up as well as he did during the months after his 2005 debut.
3.) To extend on #2, remember Byte This on January 11th, 2006? That episode, being the only episode of Byte This I ever enjoyed, was what made me a fan of Kennedy. Besides completely humiliating Todd Grisham (the tard sang and botched the Sherwin Williams jingle; he was asking for it), Kennedy played up the arrogance so well (especially in that opening skit), and managed to come off as the coolest motherfucker in the WWE. I don't see why this can't work with his current heel character. Hell, he can play the funny, cocky guy and then just go all out with the super heel shit every time someone pisses him off. Admit it; you'd all blow your loads at the sheer awesomeness of it all.

However, Kennedy can't carry this feud on his own, and it'd be absolutely asstastic of WWE to even believe he can. Shawn Michaels, who seems to be lightening his pro wrestling load, has to step it up, too. He's got talent - potentially the future of WWE - to put over, and I definitely won't settle for any second-rate, near-retirement shit. Fortunately, Shawn barely disappoints, so this is definitely a feud to look forward to and enjoy. So let's all fucking enjoy it, for Mr. Kennedy's sake. Well, this has gone on long enough...

John Bradshaw Layfield will be debuting his own energy drink next month! Heh, and it's a good thing, too; if anyone needs energy, it's a retired wrestler who's spent the last year and a half sitting on his ass during Smackdown broadcasts. Get ready for LAYFIELD ENERGY DRINK, bitches. With asskicking flavors like RAPIN' RASPBERRY, GOOSESTEP GRAPE, and LONGHORN LEMON, Layfield Energy Drink packs a closed-fist punch that's sure to rupture your anus somehow. Jibble even sent out a sample advertisement for us to ogle at:


"Layfield Energy Drink. Naturally flavored with 100% midcarder fear."


I'm totally buying some, and SO SHOULD YOU~!

Watch out, WWE; Damian Demento's PISSED, and he's got a YouTube account~! Who's Damian Demento, you ask? You know... Damian fucking Demento! Who could ever forget his main event match against the Undertaker on Raw's debut episode? Still at a loss? It's okay. Yeah, well, he's mad at WWE for bringing his name up and putting up a photo of him to hype the 15th Anniversary show. He's apparently miffed because he thinks we, the Internet Wrestling Community, will start talking negatively of him and call him a "nobody" because he never won a title or had a major angle. GASP~! I would NEVER. I'll have you know that Damian Demento contributed a lot to pro wrestling, including but not limited to:

- Losing to the Undertaker.
- Losing to Bob Backlund.
- Shit... I ran out of accomplishments...

Wikipedia says he's a 2-time Gimmick Champion of the world, and a website as reliable as Wiki-fuckin'-pedia would never lie. Well... at the very least, he played some guy named Erik in Die Hard With a Vengeance. That's gotta count for something, right? RIGHT? On a sidenote, I almost didn't report this because Demento's the most obscure guy I've ever attempted to research. Dear God.

Fucking hell... get ready for yet another post-Wrestlemania draft. What's the point anymore? Smackdown and ECW are turning into the same brand as they share stars, and none of Raw's most important stars go anywhere anyway. I'm sick of seeing the same assholes get thrown back and forth between shows. Make some new stars already! Most of the WWE roster have had numerous feuds with each other over and over, and it's just getting incredibly redundant.

The Kentucky Boxing and Wrestling Authority has suspended and/or fined 20 workers at an unlicensed show on Tuesday. One guy, Tony Corral, got himself a one-year suspension and was fined $250 for attempting to fuck up a drug test by bringing in a urine sample... in a condom. Real smooth, Tony. See you in TNA. And that was the least important news bit of the week.



Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot, the most hard-hitting shoot interview segment... EVER! Now, before I introduce this week's guest, I've got a huge surprise for all of you shoot fans! Ladies and gentlemen... my first-ever, one-time-only co-host, the Bad Guy, the Outsider, the Lone Wolf, the... Swaggering Cuban... who the fuck came up with these nicknames? "MR. LAST CALL"... dear God... SCOTT HALL~!

...

SCOTT HALL~!

...

Scott Hall?

...

Where the fuck is Scott? He what? He never showed?! Oh my God, how embarrassing... WELL. My producer's telling me Scott never showed up tonight because of diarrhea. Well, I guess we'll just move on. Shoot fans, please welcome this week's special guest, the star of such films as 1999's critically-acclaimed Shaving Ryan's Privates, Schindler's Fist, Fire in the Ho, Chitty Chitty Gang Bang, How Stella Got Her Fudge Packed, Intercourse With a Vampire, and the tear-jerking tale of a mentally handicapped man who tells disgusted passersby that "life is like a box of condoms," Forrest Hump... oh, and he's also a WWE jobber-to-the-stars... VAL VENIS~!

Venis: Helloooo, ladies!

Only one lady here, Val. Happy holidays, by the way. Got any plans for this Christmas?

Venis: Nah, I just focus all my energy on not getting fired.

As you should. I mean, you're still trying to collect checks on a gimmick that hasn't been cool since 2000. What's with that?

Venis: I don't know, I--

How many STDs do you have?

Venis: What?

STDs. Every porn star has some, right? What's the tally?

Venis: I don't have any!

Not even herpes? The Clap? Crabs?

Venis: No!

Hey, that's fine if you want to keep it a secret. I'm pretty understanding about shit like that.

Venis: I don't have any! I swear!

Don't worry, you don't have to deny it. I'll just drop the subject. What was it like to boink a bunch of women in all those porn movies while unknowingly contracting tons of venereal diseases and whatnot?

Venis: I DON'T HAVE ANY DISEASES~!

Not even genital warts?

Venis: NO!

Okay, okay! Christ. No need to act like your twat's burning. Haha.

Venis: ...

Alright, alright. Let me lighten the mood here. Oh! I've got a joke. Where does a porn star go on holiday?

Venis: ...where?

Bangladesh. HAHA~! BANG. LADESH.

Venis: That was awful.

Okay, how about this one: what's a porn star's favorite movie?

Venis: Do I want to know?

12 Bangry Men. HAHAHAHA! Oh man, I slay me.

Venis: ...

Christ, for a guy who used to fuck for a living, you sure have no sense of humor.

Venis: Of course I do. I starred in Humping Jack Flash!

...that sounds like a gay porn flick.

Venis: It was! Isn't that hilarious?!

Not at all. That's sad. Incredibly sad.

Venis: ...oh.

Uh... why don't we talk about your wrestling career?

Venis: Yeah! My wrestling career.

Yeah!

Venis: ...

...

Venis: ...well, I did have a match with Santino Marella this year!

That's right! And you lost.

Venis: Yeah...

...

Dear God, Val. I'm starting to wonder why I even bothered to invite you onto the show. You haven't had a high-profile feud in YEARS!

Venis: Well, what am I supposed to do? No one's shocked by a porn star gimmick in this day and age! This is almost 2008! Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant... HER 9-YEAR-OLD FANS ARE OKAY WITH IT. Nothing's taboo in America anymore!

Gay marriage sure is!

Venis: ...holy shit, you're right. Maybe I should try a gay gimmick!

Billy and Chuck already did that, and you can't forget Rico.

Venis: Fuck. I guess I'm just screwed. Heh... screwed.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, once you're fired from WWE, TNA is going to be DYING to bring you in. You'll be a star again! They treat WWE rejects like gods there. Ask guys like D'Lo Brown.

Venis: Hey, yeah! You're right! I've got nothing to worry about! TNA's got my back!

Jeff Jarrett: Actually, we're really not interested in having some porn star in our company. We've got an entire women's division, you know.
Gail Kim: ASSHOLE!
Venis: Damn it!

So, I guess it's back to porn, right?

Venis: Guess so.

Hey, don't worry; no one will ever notice. That's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot! I'd like to thank my guest, Val Venis, for being here to discuss just about nothing. Join me next week when I interview the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga! Thankfully, Samoa Joe will be on hand to translate.

Thank you very much for reading another edition of Deadface Walking - and this time, it was only ONE DAY late! That's called baby steps, kids. Feedback is always appreciated, so send some e-mails, won't you? Then you can mosey on over to the front page (or not, since I'm about to plug everyone's updates anyway) and check out all the great updates of the week: First up is last week's edition of the
TNA iMPACT RANT by Charley Martin, where Deal or No Deal quickly becomes the lamest game of all time thanks to Jeremy Borash. Who would have thought that Howie fucking Mandel sans Bobby's World-era jheri curl would make a more interesting show? Join Sean Carless and Joe Merrick in their respective ARMAGEDDON 2005 and 2006 RETRO RANTS. Then you can join me over at the ARMAGEDDON 2007 RANT. One thing's for certain here: Armageddon '07 was the least painful of the last three years. Cameron Burge returns with the RAW RANT! Randy-Orton.com's and Jeff-Hardy.com's message boards ERUPT with fat girl catfights over which of these [un]sexy men will prevail in this new feud that Chris Jericho was 86'd from! Canadian Bacon returns from obscurity to continue his plight against Sean Carless and his mop of hair in this CANADIAN BACON FOR TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR PROPAGANDA FILM. That's right! Vote for Bacon... so long as you vote for me first! You get unlimited voting opportunities, I swear. James Swift returns with the ECW on SCI-FI RANT. CM Punk's credibility is sacrificed to make Smackdown look good. But he wins, so everything's still cool, right? ...RIGHT? Derek Burgan is back with an all-new GIMMICK TABLE! This month, wrestling's oh-so-creative writers are now getting other work thanks to the Writers' strike! Your favorite prime-time shows are revamped for us wrestling fans, and the results are fucking hilarious. Well, I'm out like a boner in sweatpants. Toodles~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).