I just want to start off by saying that I feel absolutely sorry for anyone who ordered TNA's Turning Point last Sunday. Scott Hall, who was no doubt the focal point of TNA's show (who knows why...), made like WWE star "God" and no-showed the pay-per-view event. As everyone should know by now, Hall apparently called TNA up claiming to have come down with food poisoning. Et tu, Mega Mac? Readers, that has got to be the most ridiculous excuse Hall's ever used. Does he really expect us all to believe that food, his best friend, went and turned heel on the former super-lard ass? The word currently going around, however, is that Scotty missed the show because he was depressed. Fuck, I would be too if my big on-screen, in-ring return was to be witnessed by only 900 people inside a Universal Studios set. Probably the best part about Scott Hall no-showing, aside from TNA fans being saved (yeah, TNA gets Jericho love too) from having to watch that sloth drag his ass around the ring like "he's still got it," was Samoa Joe's shoot promo on Hall before the match took place. Joe went as far as to label Hall as one of those guys who only come to TNA to pad their wallets. Can't disagree there. "Showtime" Eric Young ended up replacing Hall for the match, and most likely wrestled a much better match than Hall ever will again. Hope I wasn't too harsh here.
To follow up that last report, it was TNA management who told Samoa Joe to go to the ring and cut a promo on Scott Hall to take some heat off of TNA for a supposed "major" star no-showing their pay-per-view event. They asked Joe to put over the guys on the TNA roster and introduce Eric Young as his replacement partner. Joe's promo apparently went five minutes longer than expected, and had a few choice words obviously aimed at Kevin Nash, who was upset that Joe turned the no-show into a rant against him. During the promo, Joe asked someone off-camera if he/she was mad at him. That someone was TNA President Dixie Carter, who was sitting in the audience. Joe merely shrugged and said, "Go ahead and fire me; I don't care." Carter was legitimately upset with Joe for going into business for himself and taking his sweet time with the promo. Carter has not been quoted as saying, "That Zamboni Joe's sure got a pet coon up his hind end, y'all~!" After the main event match, Kevin Nash, looking pretty pissed off according to several reports, returned to the back and waited for Joe to show up so they could talk about Joe's comments. A heated argument ensued, which was followed by some shoving. OOOH, SNAP! IT'S ON LIKE VINCE VAUGHN... or whatever it is you hip tweeners say these days. Joe backed down from the argument to prevent a full-on bitch fight from happening. Joe eventually gave a heartfelt apology to the entire TNA roster and management staff for the promo at the all-talent meeting on December 3rd. I don't care what anyone says; Samoa Joe is a super cool fucker. If anyone's got footage of Joe's promo, send it my way.
Speaking of the all-talent meeting, Dixie Carter told the entire TNA roster at said meeting that if they wished to leave TNA, they could do so right then and there. Only one guy took up that offer, and that guy was Senshi. As many of you should know, Senshi was one of the guys who received one of the four Feast or Fired briefcases of mystery and doooom. In order to get rid of Senshi, Christopher Daniels won his briefcase and kicked him out of Triple X this week. Hey, whatever works, right? Speaking of work...
Howard Stern has announced that former TNA shit-for-brains Leticia Cline was recently fired from her new job at GNCC Motocross Racing because of her appearance on the Stern's show last week. Cline got the boot because of her slut-tastic behavior, which included getting bare-ass naked, talking dirty, and riding the Sybian (no clue what that is, but it sounds absolutely whorish). I'm glad Leticia got shitcanned; in a day and age where a female celebrity's popularity is measured by whether she's wearing her panties or not, or how many times she lands herself in rehab, it's about time someone isn't praised for being a little pig (and I'm sure Alec Baldwin will agree with me here... yes, I'm aware that the story was big seven months ago, get off my ass). Of course, Howard Stern has invited Leticia to make another appearance on his show. At least she's found her true calling as a Stern Slut, right?
I know this will come as a shock for tons of you, but get this: people within WWE are already DISAPPOINTED with Chris Jericho's mic work, in-ring work, and mild crowd reaction. Oh my fucking God. Are the people in WWE and I watching the same fucking Jericho? The Chris Jericho I'm watching just recently had me marking the hell out with his return, laughing my ass off at the sheer randomness of the visuals of his "Me want title match" promo, and smiling in satisfaction with his matches, all within less than one month's time. And yet, the Great Khali is supposed to be the guy who impresses? As far as the piss-poor crowd reaction goes, both Carolinas have cemented their status as of last week as the U.S. states with the absolute worst pro wrestling crowd reactions ever. Hey, I understand that the current WWE product isn't exactly worth writing home about, but why bother spending hard-earned dollars on their live shows if you aren't going to at least attempt to enjoy yourselves? Start fucking cheering and booing, live fans; you're making it hard for the at-home audience to enjoy the shows. Back to the Jericho subject. Perhaps the problem isn't Chris Jericho. Perhaps the problem is the fact that Jericho returned to a show whose many main event stars aren't all main event material. A Jericho/Orton feud really doesn't sound that interesting anyway. Let's also take into consideration that it's Jericho who's busting his ass to put the feud over with the fans. What's Orton doing? Talking really slowly, handing out chinlocks, and attempting to kill the legend of Ric Flair? Good fucking afternoon, Orton; Jericho's the guy with the stunningly good looks and shiny Chippendales stripper vest that can blind a blind man, not the guy with the ungodly, sagging bologna tits and no retirement date in sight. Dear God, what a mess. I didn't expect Jericho Fever to last long with the higher-ups at WWE, but this is just ridiculous. What's worse is the rumor that this feud won't even last long, and that Y2J will be starting a verbal feud with JBL that will lead to a Wrestlemania 24 match. I don't even know what to think about that.
Vince McMahon has pulled the plug on the Balls Mahoney/Kelly Kelly love angle. McMahon's apparently high on Kelly and felt her association with Balls is holding her back. Nonsense! Everyone knows that handling balls is a talentless diva's only way of getting on McMahon's good side! Unfortunately for those of us who don't watch ECW because of Kelly and other no-talent wastes of TV time, there is talk that Kelly could be moved to a different brand. The thought of Kelly being held back because of Balls fucking Mahoney is insane. Kelly's being held back by her absolute uselessness: her inability to perform a back handspring elbow, her inability to cut a promo, her inability to remove her bra, and her inability to give most of the TWF staff a boner (I could be wrong there, but let's pretend I'm right for argument's sake). If anything, it's Balls who's being held back here; who the hell would ever want to play the love interest of Kelly Kelly and her hideous beaver-horse hybrid face and still try to be taken seriously? I think the saddest thing of all is that someone's obviously going to be wished well in future endeavors soon, and, unfortunately, that person's name starts with "B" and ends with "alls Mahoney".
And now... WRESTLERS TRYING OUT OTHER CAREERS~! First up is Rob Van Dam, who actually attempted stand-up comedy for the first time ever at the world-famous Improv in Ontario, Canada, for Championship Comedy's debut show. To be honest, that rules. Rob's probably got tons of funny shit to talk about, like the first time he tried weed, the second time he tried weed, the third time he tried weed, the fourth time he tried weed... I jest. Unfortunately, no report states whether Van Dam blew the crowd away or totally bombed. RVD flexing his comedy muscle is probably as awesome as Henry Rollins doing stand-up, too. I'll be adding "Rob Van Dam U.S. Comedy Tour" to my wishlist full of things I'll never see or have. Next up is former Mexicool Juventud Guerrera, who made his music concert debut with his band on November 17th in Mexico City, Mexico. This once-in-a-lifetime (thank God) event drew a pathetic 400 fans who failed to be informed that the concert was part of a wrestling show featuring AAA's Hell Brothers. Anyway, the Juice (or "Da Yoos", as Juvi says) sang only one song, which wasn't well-received by the crowd. Guerrera then asked the 400 unsatisfied people, "Do you want to hear another, yes or no?" In true hilarious fashion, the entire crowd yelled out, "NO!" No idea what happened next, but just try to imagine Juvi's band, beaten and forlorn, unplugging their instruments and trudging off the stage in defeat. The thought alone damn near had me pissing myself with laughter. The only thing more hilarious than RVD telling jokes and Juventud bombing harder in a concert than Chyna and her band is Bobby Lashley trying his hand at an acting career. Make it happen, Lashley!
The Wrestling Observer Newsletter had reported that WWE is attempting to keep Carlito from leaving the company. It seems that Vince and company have prevailed, as Carlito has been convinced to stay. How does he do it?! I have got to hire Vince to convince my Drawing instructor to give me an A+ despite the fact that I'm missing more than six assignments. With mystical convincing powers like Vince's, we should all thank our lucky fucking stars that Mr. McMahon never decided to take up a career in politics. Where was I? Oh, right. Well, looks like Carlito's going to be continuing his losing streak against no one's favorite dirty leprechaun to the amusement of 6-year-old WWE fans and no one else. Welcome back, Carlito. Now, someone play that oh-so-famous John Sebastian song.
This week's edition of TNA iMPACT! completely fucking slayed this week's Thursday edition of ECW on Sci-Fi. SLAYED. iMPACT! pulled out their average 1.1 rating, while ECW, which went head-to-head with TNA's second hour of programming, did an absolutely sad 0.6. Sure, it could be attributed to the fact that most likely no one cared to remember that ECW changed time slots for a week, but why can't we all just pretend everyone got fed up with shitty ECW and watched TNA instead? All the TNA marks are doing it, and there's plenty of room on the bandwagon (fill it up before Don West's 52-inch cranium does).
Road Warrior Animal's son, James Laurinaitis won the Butkus Award on Friday, as the nation's best linebacker. HOORAY~! YAY~! HOORAAAAAAY~! What the fuck is the Butkus Award? This has been, you guessed it, your least important news bit of the week. It would have been Tammy Sytch's forthcoming appearance on Raw's 15th Anniversary show, but that's so unimportant to me that it didn't even merit the honor of being my least important news bit. Go figure.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hey Man, Nice Shoot, pro wrestling's number one source for the shootingest of shoot interviews! Nevermind the fact that "shootingest" is not a word. Tonight, I'm being joined by a guy who has less of a grasp of the English language than I do... Santino Marella!
Marella: Ah... excuse me, a-Catwoman Paris! I will have-a you know, I have-a extensive-a knowledge of the English language-a!
Uh... first, it's Catherine Perez, not Catwoman Paris. Dear God. Second, adding "-ah" to the end of every other word proves otherwise. Yeah. So, thanks for being here. I see you've brought your "I swear I'm not gay" accessory, Maria, with you. Hi, Maria!
Maria: Hi, Catherine! Did you know that train rhymes with chain?
Is that so? It also rhymes with brain. For the love of God, get yourself one.
Marella: Hey! You cannot talk-a to my Maria like-a dat!
Screw you, buddy; this is MY show. So, Santino, recently you had a bit of a squabble with the infinitely good-looking Chris Jericho over the pronunciation of your first name. Care to take this time to tell your fans how to say it?
Marella: Is-a Santiiiiiino Ma-rehhhhh-lla.
Maria: But... I thought it was San-TEA-noe.
It's whatever you want it to be, Maria. What Santino here fails to realize is that it doesn't matter if it's said wrong, as long as it's not spelled wrong on the paychecks. Besides, Marella, I'm on to your little game.
Marella: What-a do you mean-a?
Your name isn't really Santino Marella. You don't really come from Italy... and you don't really annoyingly add "-ah" to the ends of all your words! That's right, Not-Santino! As a member of the uber-smarky IWC, I know all about your little secret.
Maria: Oh my God, I love Victoria's Secret!
Thanks for killing my momentum.
Maria: My name isn't Momentum; it's Maria, silly!
Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. Maria, have you ever gone past Kindergarten as far as your education goes?
Maria: I don't think so!
That explains quite a lot.
Marella: Okay, so my Maria is eh-stupid moron-a. Sometimes-a she forgets-a she's a-going out with a-me-a! Then she flirt-a with big eh-stupid Ron Seeeemmons!
Simmons: Don't drag me into this, bitch. Oh, (cough), I mean... DAMN~!
You'd better not be expecting money from me, Simmons. I didn't even invite you.
Simmons: DAMN~! And I'm not just saying that because it's my job. Bitch.
Marella: Ah, excuse me-a! This is my-a interview-a! I would appreciate-a if you ask-a me the questions!
Right, right. Well, what I was trying to say is that you're not really a stereotypical Italian guy. Your real name is actually---
Marella: Hey! Come on-a! I'm in the a-Witness Protection Program-a!
Oh, my apologies! Can't mess with those Witness Protection people, can we? So, Santino, can you tell me why I suddenly can't think of a single match you've wrestled this month?
Marella: I don't know-a. Could be-a amnesia, for I have-a wrestled a-nothing but-a five-a star-a matches!
Nah, that's not it. Maria, can you remember any of Santino's matches at all?
Maria: I can't even remember if I put panties on this morning, tee hee!
As if I needed to know. Say, Santino, I'm hungry. How about you bring me a pizza?
Marella: I am not a pizza delivery-a man! I am Santiiiiino Ma-rehhhh-lla!
But, you're a stereotypical Italian guy. You're supposed to have the ability to make Italian food appear out of thin air. Go ahead. Say "mama mia". I guarantee a pizza will appear out of thin air.
Marella: That is eh-stupid! I will not-a!
Marella: I will not-a!
FUCKING DO IT.
Marella: ...mama mia?
[Surely enough, a fucking pizza appears out of thin air.]
Marella: ...holy shit-a!
Holy shit-a, indeed. You forgot the extra cheese, douche.
Marella: Oh! Like I was-a supposed to know-a!
Yes, you were! You're supposed to be Italian! Witness Protection, remember?
Marella: Okay-a! So I'm-a not-a Italiano! So-a sue me!
Yeah, thanks, I will! Douche.
Maria: I douche every morning!
...okay. Maria, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Far away. Never to return again.
Marella: Hey! You cannot-a do dat to my Maria!
I guess I can't. But I definitely can do this... NOW, CHARLIE~!
[Charlie Haas appears out of nowhere, and split-legged missile dropkicks Santino and Maria straight to Hell in a handbasket.]
Oh, I never get tired of that. I'd like to thank Maria and real-life Ontario, Canada native Anthony Carelli for being with us. LET'S SEE WITNESS PROTECTION PROTECT YOU AND YOUR UGLY MOHAWK NOW, "SANTINO". Yeah, so join me next time when I sit down with... THE GAME, TRIPLE H, and his... lovely... wife, STEPHANIE MCMAHON~! I'll make sure to bring my own shovel.
Let's keep the following short, since this column's late enough as it is. Feedback is appreciated. Check out the many hilarious and on-time updates of the week: Charley Martin's TNA iMPACT RANT; Cameron Burge's RAW RANT, where the Carolinas prove that their crowd reaction is on par with thousands of corpses in a graveyard; the debut of Matthew Folger with KNIFE-EDGE POPS; Derek Burgan's DVD Review of YOU SHOOT: THE HONKY TONK MAN; James Swift's hilarious debut with the ECW ON SCI-FI RANT; the return of Sean Carless's BACK-LEG FRONTKICK... the Obscenely Huge Year-End Edition!; and Anthony Dean's SMACKDOWN RANT, where Batista's new spinebuster-spear (Spearbuster?) sends Michael Cole into an orgasmic frenzy. Wonderful! I'm off. Toodles~!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).