DEADFACE WALKING!

by Catherine Perez

April 12, 2007

Move over, Criss Angel; it's time once again for the mindfreakiest of mindfreaks, the column that taught the Godfather how to pimp-slap his hoes, Deadface Walking! As always, I am Catherine Perez, the green-haired girl wonder. I'm still on this cheap, $40, Windows 98 pile of junk, which is killing my self-esteem somewhat. I want a fancy-pants laptop - one that screams "OH!!! OHHHH, SHAWWWWWN!" when I empty the Recycle Bin. Why? Because that's funny as hell to me. Now that you're comfortable with my thoughtless rambling, let's get to the news.

Our first bit of the day is actually something I failed to mention in last week's column (at the request of my dearest friend, and Lilian Garcia fan, Katy). Lilian Garcia, who missed this week's Raw, will be missing the next two Raw broadcasts as well, due to her ACL surgery. If you haven't heard, Lilian was involved in a bit of a skiing accident when she was merrily skiing down the bunny slope, trying not to pizza when she was supposed to french fry [/South Park], when from out of nowhere, Charlie Haas fell out of the sky and knocked Lilian off her feet. Haas and Lilian tumbled for quite a few feet before being buried by an avalanche that somehow carried a sledgehammer and water bottle. Okay, none of that happened except for the fact that she injured herself while skiing, but it makes for a damn good story, doesn't it?

According to F4WOnline.com, independent wrestlers have been commenting on how "really weird" Christopher Daniels has been acting lately. Usually a fun and outgoing guy, Daniels is now keeping to himself and seems depressed. Hell, I wouldn't be happy either if I found out I'm feuding with Sting after the fiasco that was the Abyss/Sting angle. What if we find out that Daniels sacrificed his mother to a higher power by decapitating her and burning her hands and feet, or something crazy like that? Even worse, what if we get a cameo from PAPA DANIELS?! Hopefully Daniels feels better before he starts an Emo rock band called Bleeding Hearts and Fallen Angels or something... I shudder at the mere thought. All kidding aside, for Christ's sake, if anyone sees Daniels at a wrestling show or on the streets, cheer him up with his own Curry Man dance. I'm sure he'll thank you... or kick your ass for doing it wrong.

Some random guy was thrown out of WWE's Hall of Fame induction ceremony during Joyce Farhat's (Mrs. Original Sheik) acceptance speech on behalf of her late husband. First, the guy was warned by security to keep his shitty signs down so as to not ruin the whole show for everyone behind him. Then the guy started screaming "TEAR YOUR OTHER QUAD" at Triple H. Hey, random heckler! You be careful where you're hurling those quad tear requests at! Somewhere in Florida, Kevin Nash is sobbing uncontrollably as he repeatedly pushes the button on his Life Alert alarm. I hope you're happy, assface.

Stephanie McMahon-Levesque has been promoted to Executive Vice President of Creative. All together, readers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! All this proves to me is that when you're in the GREAT AND POWERFUL McMahon family, you will be rewarded with a high-paying job and more power within the Board of Directors regardless of how bad you are at coming up with ideas, but I'm sure this isn't anything new. One news site warns that while Stephanie's promotion isn't going to have any effect on WWE programming at this point in time, we'll pretty much all be suffering through her craptacular fairy tale storylines later on down the road (to Wrestlemania 24?). God help us all.

DeclarationOfIndependents.net has reported that Victoria Crawford (the other chick that Johnny Ace hired from the swimsuit catalog with Kelly "Beaver" Kelly), Atlas DeBone and Jake Hager showed up to last Friday's OVW house show in Owensboro, Kentucky completely shitfaced and reeking of marijuana. Victoria, Atlas and Jake were chewed out by, of all people, Idol Stevens. They were then stripped of their shiny replica ECW World Heavyweight Title Belts and jobbed out to Bob Holly. Wait... wrong stoners. Moving on...

Wrestling fans, we've been lied to (yet again)! We were told that Wrestlemania's attendance number was at a record-breaking 80,103. In actuality, 74,867 fans attended the show, as it was impossible to accommodate 80,000 fans considering the way the building was set up. WELL, I HAVE NEVER! I don't see why WWE have to lie about attendance records; it's not like we gave a rat's ass when we heard "BAH GAWD, KEENG, 80,103 FANS PACKED INTO THIS VERY STADIUM BAH GAWD PUT SOME HAWT SAUCE ON IT!"

Readers, I came across a piece of news that is both somewhat disturbing and absolutely hilarious. A video has recently surfaced on the internet, and it features former WWWF (not a typo), NWA, AWA, WCW, TNA, and SCW (good grief!) star Larry Zbyszko. This video, my friends, is an adult video - you know, those videos that make up two-thirds of your film collections? I can only assume this film is called "Larry Does LarryLand", which brings me to an equally disturbing thought: what if WWE Films suddenly began releasing porn flicks starring wrestlers? Ric Flair could star in "Ride On Space Mountain: WOOOOO, BY GOD, FOLEY!!!". Ashley Massaro can play the role of Barbara Swallows and alter ego Fingerbang in "The Number 69". The possibilities are endless.

Another former WCW and TNA wrestler, "Disco Inferno" Glen Gilberti, was arrested on Monday night during an illegal gambling bust in Roswell, Georgia. Many others were arrested as well while playing a high-stakes, no-limit hold-em poker game. I'm completely uneducated when it comes to illegal poker games as opposed to those televised ones. In fact, I can't even tell the difference. Why don't the cops arrest those World Poker Tour bastards? I hate that show, and that should be a valid enough excuse to arrest all of them, even the cameramen. ANTI-POKER FTW~!111ONE

AND NOW FOR SOME HULK HOGAN NEWS. Hogan and his wife Linda have attended marriage counseling recently, which was taped for an episode of "Hogan Knows Best". Ever since Hogan jobbed to his couch, things have never been the same in the Hogan household:

Linda: Terryyyy! Let's go out and jog!
Hulk: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN NOW, BROTHER?! (He then flexes his muscles)
Linda: But you just--
Hulk: YA KNOW SOMETHIN', MEAN GENE?!?! I'M NOT PUTTIN' UP WITH YOUR CONSTANT NAGGIN', DUDE, BROTHER!
Linda: I'm not--
Hulk: BROTHERRRRR!

Poor Hogans. Also, Hogan's pretty steamed with Vince McMahon for making fun of his daughter, Brooke, by giving Jillian Hall one of the worst gimmicks I've ever seen. I think we should all follow Hogan's lead with this whole "pissed at Vince" thing. Then we can all back out of Wrestlemania 24 so we don't have to job to Umaga or Khali... or something... Am I rambling? Let's keep this column moving.

In another pathetic attempt to maintain a vice grip on their wrestlers' balls, WWE saw to it that Rob Van Dam got the pin on Matt Striker as a "good gesture" towards convincing the guy to stay with WWE when his contract expires in the summer. A win over Matt Striker? How the hell does that keep a disgruntled worker happy? That's like letting a pyromaniac light your cigarette so he won't go out and torch the local church! Get Van Dam a clean win against someone who's, you know, over, then I'll quit laughing my ass off.

Puerto Rico's International Wrestling Association (IWA) is currently in bad financial shape; so bad, in fact, that they looked to Jerry Jarrett for help. The deal fell through, however, and IWA are pretty much screwed as of now. At least it won't be in vain, considering WWE will now have a brand new video library to whore out. Also, when Carlito's fired, they'll have a roster full of replacement Carlitos! The fans will never know the difference... das cool.

For this week's least important news bit, Nathan Jones, Todd Shane of Gymini and Ryan Reeves will be starring in a movie called Som Tum, which I'm assuming translates to "My Big Fat Wrestling Reject Movie". Jones is said to have a major role, and... well, I'll just come right out and ask. Who the hell is Nathan Jones? I don't think I caught any moment of this guy's WWE career. Oh well...

Well, that's a wrap on the third (or fourth... Christ, I lost count already!) edition of Deadface Walking. I'd like to thank the three of you for reading all the way down to this point of the page. I'm Catherine Perez, and you're going to click the back button right now and read all the other hilarious recaps and columns on TWF, if you haven't already.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ

Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.