DEADFACE WALKING!
April 12, 2007
Move over, Criss Angel; it's time once again for the mindfreakiest of mindfreaks, the column that taught the Godfather how
to pimp-slap his hoes, Deadface Walking! As always, I am Catherine Perez, the green-haired girl wonder. I'm still on this
cheap, $40, Windows 98 pile of junk, which is killing my self-esteem somewhat. I want a fancy-pants laptop - one that screams
"OH!!! OHHHH, SHAWWWWWN!" when I empty the Recycle Bin. Why? Because that's funny as hell to me. Now that you're comfortable
with my thoughtless rambling, let's get to the news.
Our first bit of the day is actually something I failed to mention
in last week's column (at the request of my dearest friend, and Lilian Garcia fan, Katy). Lilian Garcia, who missed this week's
Raw, will be missing the next two Raw broadcasts as well, due to her ACL surgery. If you haven't heard, Lilian was involved
in a bit of a skiing accident when she was merrily skiing down the bunny slope, trying not to pizza when she was supposed
to french fry [/South Park], when from out of nowhere, Charlie Haas fell out of the sky and knocked Lilian off her feet. Haas
and Lilian tumbled for quite a few feet before being buried by an avalanche that somehow carried a sledgehammer and water
bottle. Okay, none of that happened except for the fact that she injured herself while skiing, but it makes for a damn good
story, doesn't it?According to F4WOnline.com, independent wrestlers have been commenting on how "really weird" Christopher Daniels has been
acting lately. Usually a fun and outgoing guy, Daniels is now keeping to himself and seems depressed. Hell, I wouldn't be
happy either if I found out I'm feuding with Sting after the fiasco that was the Abyss/Sting angle. What if we find out that
Daniels sacrificed his mother to a higher power by decapitating her and burning her hands and feet, or something crazy like
that? Even worse, what if we get a cameo from PAPA DANIELS?! Hopefully Daniels feels better before he starts an Emo rock band
called Bleeding Hearts and Fallen Angels or something... I shudder at the mere thought. All kidding aside, for Christ's sake,
if anyone sees Daniels at a wrestling show or on the streets, cheer him up with his own Curry Man dance. I'm sure he'll thank
you... or kick your ass for doing it wrong.
SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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