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DEADFACE WALKING!: (12/01/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back, Wrestling Fan fans, to Deadface Walking, the only estrogen-driven wrestling column that farts in your general direction [/Monty Python] and should be renamed Lateface Walking. As always, I'm Catherine Perez, about a week removed from Thanksgiving vacation, and I'm already praying for Christmas vacation. Week-long breaks just aren't satisfying enough. Yeah. Let's begin~!

As everyone and their mothers know, Linda Bollea (or Hogan, depending on whether the family's trying to cash in on Daddy's fame or not) has filed for divorce from Terry Bollea (or Hulk Hogan, depending on whether he's looking for a hefty pay day or not) on Tuesday, November 20th, after 24 years of marriage. When asked for comment, Linda said, "After over twenty years of getting pinned by Terry after sex, I've finally had enough. The money was great, though, so I'll be looking to keep quite a bit of that." Maybe she didn't say that, but I'll remember it my way and you remember it your way. It seems as if Linda and Hulk have drifted further apart following son Nick's careless obliteration of his fancy, yellow sports car, along with passenger John Graziano's brain. Is now honestly a good time for Linda to be serving Hulk with divorce papers? Now, despite all of this, Linda still wants to save the marriage. Call me crazy, but this all just seems incredibly selfish of her. Either that or she's trying to divert attention from Nick's little dilemma. Actually, I'm almost positive that this is the case. I'm considering this one a work.

TNA has been advertising an absolutely insane gimmick match for their next pay-per-view event, Turning Point. This match is called "Feast or Fired," and is a battle royal where three title shots will be awarded to various winners of the match... while one member of the roster will end up fired. There will be four briefcases in each corner, with three containing the title shots, and the other containing a pink slip with a most straight-forward message, "YOU'RE FIRED." Dear God. What would be great is if this match wasn't scripted, and the whole gimmick would come back to bite TNA in the asses when Kurt Angle opens up the briefcase containing the pink slip. Honestly, though, at least this match doesn't sound as bad as that crazy Abyss/Sting match where the casket descended from the Heavens to chants of "FIRE RUSSO~!"

Also featured in Turning Point is a Match of 10,000 Tacks, with Abyss and Rhino taking on Black Reign and Rellik. Christ, I've never felt so sorry for Rhino as I am now; who the hell wants to wrestle with three assholes in bad Halloween costumes? Is anyone who reads my column legitimately scared of Black Reign, or Rellik, who looks like the worst mix of Jason Voorhees and WCW's Black Scorpion? Then again, if Rellik starts performing shitty parlor tricks with people in the crowd, I will probably mark out.

Those of you with 20-20 vision, I need your help. In my search for a new desktop wallpaper, I've come across something so (un?)intentionally amusing, so hilarious, that I dare question its existence. After getting tired of my chainsaw-wielding Edge wallpaper, I decided to check out WWE.com to see if Armageddon would be blessed with awesome imagery as well. Boy, was I wrong and right at the same time. This year's Armageddon poster features Batista, everyone's favorite malignant tumor of cancerous women. Batista, dirtied up and darkened through nifty Photoshop work, poses in front of a destroyed city (let's hope it's Stamford, Connecticut), holding a gas mask as opposed to, you know, wearing it over his face. DAVID BAUTISTA NEEDS NOT THE OXYGEN THAT KEEPS MAN ALIVE. Anyway, it's a good thing that Batista opted to not wear the mask, because I caught the single greatest detail to ever be featured on Batista's face, and this time, it's not the strip of vaginal hell that wreaks havoc upon his chin. Readers, I'm talking about a hilarious outline of the facepaint of the Ultimate Warrior. This is where you all come in. I need to know if the Warrior's facepaint is truly what I'm looking at:



I even outlined it for a side-by-side comparison. For the love of all things hilarious, I hope my eyes aren't deceiving me here.

As of November 22nd, Balls Mahoney is now the proud father of a new baby boy named Christopher. Already? Damn, that Kelly Kelly's got a cannon for a vagina, doesn't she? What do you mean they're not really totally in love with each other?! Wait a minute... there's someone on this planet who's fucking BALLS?! It's shit like this that makes me wonder why I'm still single at almost 20 years of age. Congratulations, Balls, you lucky bastard.

Are you ready for another Elimination Chamber match~?!?! I can't exactly remember when the last one was, but I do remember the debacle that was the EXTREME Elimination Chamber of the ill-fated December to Dismember PPV. Anyway, the Chamber is being brought back for February's No Way Out show. The storyline possibly being used as we head into WrestleMania is that the winner of the Royal Rumble will decide which champion he would like to face at WrestleMania. The unselected champion will choose his brand's top wrestlers to duke it out in the Elimination Chamber for the other title shot at 'Mania. WWE's definitely got some ground to cover as far as bringing the entertainment for this next one, but I'm liking how the storyline sounds on paper.

The Big Show was seen backstage at Survivor Series in Miami, FL visiting friends. He was telling people that he now weighs 420 pounds, which is 80 pounds less from being THE MENACING MONSTER OF SLOWNESS, ROAR. Show is said to be in the best shape since his early WCW days, and is currently training to be a pro boxer. When Show wasn't looking, the Great Khali proceeded to dump Show into a nearby meat grinder (yeah, a meat grinder. Don't question my sources). THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE HIGHLANDER~! Robbie and Rory currently fear for their lives. Has it become obvious that there's no news to report here?

And now... TALES FROM THE DARK SIDE MYSPACE. Ashley Massaro (now there's a name I wouldn't mind never hearing again) has recently updated her MySpace blog, stating that she has cut her hair and removed her lip rings. OhmahGAH, I'm so glad has Ashley graced us, the wrestling fans, with her self-important ramblings. I don't know about you guys, but I've been just dying to know the status of her oh-so-punky hair. It's cut, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT~!?!11 No one in the history of the universe has ever cut his or her hair. NO ONE. Thank goodness we've got Ashley Massaro around to talk about these exciting and innovative feats that no one else will ever accomplish. I mean, first she tells us that she listens to heavy metal music at bedtime, now she's cutting hair?! WOW. By the way, I'm sending this paragraph in to the Miriam-Webster dictionary people as a definition for 'sarcasm'.

And now, another chapter in the book of Sabu. Sabu was booked to appear on iMPACT two weeks ago, but missed his flight on 11/12 when he, in an attempt to salvage his hardcore status, performed an Arabian Face Crusher off the plane's right wing during take-off... or not. Sabu's spot went to Rhino, who, as I mentioned before, has the challenge of making a match against fucking Black Reign and Rellik look good. This spot was going to Sabu? Lord knows this match would have been far more disastrous that way. TNA had long-term plans for Sabu, but it most likely won't be until next month, if they decide to use him at all after he no-showed. If the Jeff Hardy situation is any indication (see that? I can rhyme just as well as Jeff and his super-emo poetry), Sabu's got at least 85 more chances left with TNA management. Use them wisely, 'Bu.

According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, there is a huge fear among some of WWE's roster over getting fired due to the recently updated Wellness Policy that supposedly closes a few loopholes. Ha, I just got a great visual of Michael Myers of Halloween fame handing out pink slips. Wrestlers are mostly afraid of there not being a viable WCW-esque promotion out there. No matter how hard TNA has tried to make it seem like it, they are not seen as that WCW-esque promotion because of the huge gap between their money and WWE's money, and because of their lack of exposure. Hey, that never stopped guys like Christian Cage, Kurt Angle, Sting, Pacman Jones, and... uh... other guys, who are probably richer than any of us ever will be, and need that large paycheck to pay the mortgage on their huge fucking mansions. TNA obviously has a reputation for hiring said shitcanned guys, including those fired over drug issues, but it is said that TNA will not take a guy who lost his job over a drug test failure unless he is a huge star or friends with the right people within TNA. Must be a small list of guys. TNA will seemingly do whatever it takes to get those fired WWE guys, and that probably includes firing the entire X Division. Fear not, potentially shitcanned WWE guys; TNA's got your back... so long as you've got a great anti-WWE promo to cut on your debut.

This week's least interesting news bit of the week goes to... holy crap, it's a three-way tie~! According to his book, Bret Hart is now blaming Triple H for the Montreal Screwjob. For the love of God, Bret, let it die. Christ, if one man on this earth would benefit from Alzheimer's, it's this guy. Former TNA wrestler and Team Canada member A1 has announced via MySpace blog that he has retired from wrestling. Yeah... uh... (cough) sad to see him go. Yep... so... who was A1 again? Lastly, Candice Michelle is supposedly scheduled to return to WWE on December 29th. Well, a Raw without "All eyes on ME-MUH-ME MUH-ME-ME-ME ME~!" was great while it lasted, right?



Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot, the only segment where your favorite superstars, young and old, are all torn new assholes into. We don't discriminate here. With me tonight is a man whose voice had become synonymous with actually calling the damn moves... and then suddenly succumbed to WWE's dumbass color commentating ways.

Joey Styles: Hey, thanks for--

Not you, dumbass! I'm talking about the man, the legend, the guy who can't tell a Whisper in the Wind from a Twist of Fate despite the fact that Jeff Hardy's got less wrestling moves in his arsenal than the lovechild of Khali and Ashley Massaro--

Scary Hardy fan from TNA: ZOMG U HORE I AM SO RITEING A BLOGE ABAUT U~!

Yeah, you do that. Ladies and gentlemen... JIM ROSS!

Ross: It is truly an honor to be sitting here with you, Catherine.

You're too kind, and too awful a liar. Glad you could make it. So, let's get straight to business. It's painfully obvious that the head honchos at WWE are desperate to find a younger, more handsome guy to replace you on Raw. Why won't you just give Vince a swift kick to the ass and take your shit to TNA so you can finally replace that bumbling moron with the 80-foot cranium, Don West?

Ross: Um... well, see, it's quite complicated.

WWE's got more money?

Ross: Yep, that's about it.

Hey, no need to be ashamed about it; money kicks ass, and don't let any liberal hippie douchebag tell you otherwise. Anyway, did you ever hear the rumor about Vince scrambling like a retard to get Mike Goldberg from UFC to replace you?

Ross: Who's Mike Goldberg?

I ask myself the same thing. What about the rumor where Vince got sick of your Oklahoma accent?

Ross: I--

What about the one where--

Ross: Did you just bring me on here to discuss rumors?

No, of course not. I brought you on here to discuss your many, many, many firings... But, since you're going to be so pushy, let's discuss... um... oh, I know! Out of all the wrestlers currently employed in WWE... who do you just want to toss into a flaming ditch?

Ross: I believe every WWE superstar is unique in his own way.

Oh, come on. Say what you really feel. Vince isn't aware of this interview, honest. Go ahead. Which WWE star just fucking sucks ass?

Ross: Alright... uh... I guess the Great Khali is pretty bad.

That's it? Just "pretty bad"?

Ross: Well, no. He really sucks.

See? That wasn't so bad, was it? Now we can move on. What about that whole WCW firing for supposedly being too Southern?

Ross: ...

Speaking of too Southern, you've actually got your own brand of barbeque sauce... and peanuts... Actually, now that I mention the peanuts, did the tagline honestly have to be "J.R.'s nuts are bigger"?

Ross: Oh, come on. I think it's clever.

It's pretty damn hilarious that your site also sells women's t-shirts that read "I LOVE BIG NUTS", but, other than that, I think I'd rather not hear about your nuts. That being said, let's talk about your ass. Your ass has become the subject of an internet wrestling community phenomenon in the form of "My Ass", a rap video where spliced clips of your Monday Night Raw commentary mention the many intricate workings of your ass. I've gotta say, it's a catchy little number; no doubt on heavy rotation on many iPods. Is "My Ass" on your playlist?

Ross: I'd rather not listen to myself talk about thirty men entering my ass.

Good point. Dude, how funny was it when you said "bullshit" during Backlash 2006? I mean, you're lucky as hell that you didn't say that on Raw; you would've been fired for the 80th time!

Ross: Well, I did apologize.

What for? It was hilarious! You should randomly curse more often, especially during those really bad Hornswoggle segments. So, how's Stone Cold Steve Austin? I figured you'd know since you two are supposedly really good friends and all. Actually, I've got a little surprise for you. Come on out, Austin!

[Suddenly, tons of glass shatters.]

OH MY GOD, NOT MY ONE-OF-A-KIND PORCELAIN STATUE OF AL SNOW'S LIKENESS~!

Ross: BAH GAWD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

...thanks, J.R., I totally didn't hear you the first 67 times. Welcome to the show, Stone Cold.

Austin: What?

Welcome to the show.

Austin: What?

Great to have you here.

Austin: What? What? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN, BITCH! God damn, what are you, deaf?

Austin: ...I'll have you know that I suffer from otosclerosis.

You know that's easily correctable with a stapedectomy, right?

Austin: Why the hell would I do that, kid? I've got checks to collect. My being hard of hearing is kind of my thing.

Can't argue there. Plus, when you inevitably have a falling out with Vince McMahon, you can use your otosclerosis to collect social security checks or something. It's like a win-win situation for you, right J.R.?

Ross: STONECOLDSTONECOLDSTONECOLD~!

Ugh. Steve, why don't you just get out of here so J.R. here will snap out of his catatonic state?

Austin: WHAT?

GET THE FUCK OUT.

Austin: Oh. Say, wanna drink a few Steve-weisers with me?

Hell no! Come on, I watch wrestling; I know what happens after I chug a few beers with you.

Austin: Oh, okay. I'm gonna go get my check.

Yeah, buh-bye. Stone Cold Steve Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Wasn't that great, J.R.?

Ross: Stone Cold Steve Austin is truly a legendary superstar in this sport.

Ain't he? Now, I know you're a busy guy and you've gotta take off now since I couldn't afford to book you for a full interview, so here's your parting gift; the only bag of barbeque-flavored Skittles in existence.

Ross: BAH GAWD, I love 'em!

Oh, believe me, I know. Thanks for sending Jerry Lawler to finish up this interview, by the way. And J.R. has left the building! Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot, King!

Lawler: PUPPIES~!

...yeah.

Lawler: C'MERE, PUPPIES~!

King, you've got until the count of three to take your hands off my breasts. 1...

Lawler: So, how old are you?

Uh... I'm 19.

Lawler: A year over legal age? SCORE~!

Seriously though, get your hands off my tits before I get security in here.

Lawler: PUPPIES~!

Unbelievable. That's all for Hey Man, Nice Shoot. Join me next week when I chat with fake Italian guy, Santino Marella! Dear God. GOD DAMN IT, LAWLER. SECURITY~!

Thank you for reading yet another edition of Deadface Walking. Make sure to leave feedback through my e-mail address or
MySpace. And now, it's Gratuitous Staff Pluggage Time! Anthony Dean checks in with last week's SMACKDOWN RANT, where Edge kisses Vickie Guerrero and the Smackdown audience struggles to keep the nachos from projecting from their mouths. Take a look back at Sean Carless's ARMAGEDDON 2003 RECAPITATION, where, in 2003, the show should have been called Apocalypse, because I'll be damned if Goldberg in a never-ending, main-event match series with Triple H isn't a sign of the end of the world. The Hornswogglin' Wile E. Coyote antics continue on Cameron Burge's RAW RANT. At least Chris Jericho's back to cut an awesome promo, despite the piss-poor crowd reaction. Gershon Levy returns with the ECW RANT, where poor Gersh is forced to continue recapping shit like Kelly Kelly vs. Layla. Haha, she botched a fucking elbow. Derek Burgan gives you, the wrestling fans, a double dose of review-y goodness with THE HISTORY OF TNA: YEAR ONE and THE STORY OF THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE NWA-TNA: A NEW CONCEPT IN PPV PROGRAMMING by JERRY JARRETT. Christ, could Jarrett use any more words in that fucking title? Finally, we've got a repost of a classic TWF spoof. Yes, Sean Carless has been bitten in the ass with the Christmas Spirit bug and is ready to show off all of WWE's, uh, quality merchandise, in DISCONTINUED XMAS MERCHANDISE. Who wants to buy me "The World's Greatest Wrestling Douchebags"?! Well, I'm off. Toodles~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).