Don't expect Goldturdberg to return to pro wrestling any time soon. Goldberg, don't expect us to give a damn about
that any time soon, either. Goldberg says there is a zero chance of him returning, because he is apparently "tired of watching
these 50-year-old wrestlers coming back with their flabby bodies jiggling all over the place." I'll have Goldberg know that
Big Daddy V is NOT 50 years old! Honestly, though, who gives a rat's ass whether Goldturd returns or not? It's not like he
was Hall of Fame material, anyway. He makes himself seem bigger than he really was, but the sad truth is that squashing the
shit out of most of the WCW roster, which consisted of guys like Meng, Rob Ruckus, Vincent (you know, Virgil), and Wrath isn't
that impressive in the long run. Go choke on the bargain bin that shit out "Santa's Slay," Goldy.
The Nasty Boys, Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs, caused chaos during Tuesday's Smackdown tapings in their much-speculated return
to WWE. The Boys took a great deal of time heading to the ring, interacting a bit too much with friends and family sitting
at ringside. Knobbs entered the ring with his back to the hard camera, and Saggs entered very closely to opponents Drew McIntyre
and Dave Taylor, which made them look pretty silly. The Boys worked stiff on McIntyre, a 21-year-old, and Taylor, a well-respected
veteran of the business. McIntyre finally snapped at some point during the match and began to return stiff shots. A backstage
source, according to PWInsider.com, said the dark match was one of the worst things one could ever hope to see. This chaotic
match caused the Smackdown taping to end late at 9:54 PM eastern time, which left the ring crew very little time to switch
the set and ring for the ECW tapings. It's my own speculation that we won't be seeing the Nasty Boys on TV anytime soon. Needless
to say, this situation has left a ton of heat on the two.
Despite the sheer pompousness of his ramblings, Batista's
book has made the New York Times Bestseller list at number 32 during the week of 11/4. What?! I guess being a womanizing scumbag
who doesn't understand why his cancerous wife can't fuck him really does have its perks. Ugh. On a lighter note, Chris Jericho's
book came in at number 22 in its debut last week. Judging solely from whom of the two possesses an uncanny ability to entertain
us with his words, you decide whose book you'd rather read. The choice is yours, so long as that choice isn't for the one
penned by Batista.
Randy Orton's Monday Night Raw marathon runner and torch-passing failure, 18-year-old wrestling
fan Jon Palmar was interviewed earlier this year as he waited outside the THQ Superstars Challenge that usually runs around
WrestleMania-time. Palmar, also an aspiring wrestler, was quoted as saying "And I want to become a wrestler myself. You know,
some steroids and I'll be able to do it. To accomplish my dreams I'm willing to do whatever it takes." Way to stain your career
before it starts, Palmar. There is a chance that this quote was taken out of context, though, but with him being interviewed
before the whole GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED thing happened, I have my doubts. It's a good thing that Jon here will do whatever
it takes to get to the WWE, which should include signing a Divas' contract if he's really serious about it. In that case,
Johnny Ace will be waiting in his office; he's the guy with the pants around his ankles.
An update to last week's Carlito report: it is being said (by who? Don't question the almighty unnamed sources, knave.) that
Carlito has given his notice and/or will be done with WWE soon. If jobbing to Hornswoggle isn't enough evidence for you, I
suggest that WWE book Carlito to lose a 1-on-1 match against Droz. This week, Carlito was also dropped from the Power 25,
with the guys at WWE.com making this statement: "Carlito - 'Off the P25. Not so cool, huh, Carlito? The Caribbean Bad Apple
reaps the reward of being lazy to the core lately." That'll teach him to sit around and do nothing just because he's not booked
on Raw! Well, have fun being the Jeff Jarrett of the WWC over in Puerto Rico, Carlito.
When Matt Hardy told us "I WILL
NOT DIE~!", he meant it. Hardy underwent emergency surgery this week to remove his appendix, and is expected to be out of
action anywhere between 1 to 3 months. WWE scrambled to put up a report that attempted to link Hardy's appendicitis as being
caused by the kayfabe knee injury caused by MVP on Smackdown last week. MVP must be a strong and magical fucker to cause severe
abdominal pain after beating up on a knee. Hardy must have amazing health insurance.
Expect a very sickening storyline
to develop between Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero and Edge. I'm not one to post TV show spoilers here, so let me just say that
Vickie's pretty much taking the angle that Kristal Marshall got shitcanned for refusing. When the segment(s) play out, make
sure to listen for a very faint whirling noise; it's the sound of Eddie Guerrero spinning in his grave. Dear God.
Nick Hogan's driver's license has just been suspended for two years; one for underage driving under the influence of alcohol,
and one for failure to pay a recent traffic ticket. Everyone in Florida is exhaling breaths of relief, I'm sure. Lord knows
I would hate to be crossing a Florida street when Nick's zooming down it in his fancy-pants sports car. In related news, some
very damning evidence has been found in the form of a 2005 documentary called "Vehicular Lunatics", where Nick's mother Linda
can be seen illegally racing another car with Brooke Hogan in the passenger seat. In the video, Linda is quoted as saying,
"Oh, I love it. I love it. The rush, the speed on the road, stereo blasting, heart pounding, racing in between all the cars,
dodging the cops. It's awesome." When confronted about her comments by Tampa's ABC news station, Linda told them, "I never
said that... I would never have said that." Yeah, really, that was her evil mirror world clone, damn it! It's obvious that,
in the case of the Hogans, the family that races down street lanes and slams into random shit while inflicting brain damage
upon their passengers together stays together. Something tells me that's not how the line goes.
And now, the least
interesting news bit of the week~! On Tuesday night, Kevin Thorn made his return to ECW looking like someone killed the head
vampire. Yes, Thorn has dropped the vampire gimmick in exchange for a generic look that looks like a surfer/raver who's staring
into the sun (he can do that now~!) constantly. Unfortunately, there is still one vampiric characteristic that Thorn still
possesses: he sucks. WWE have just succeeded at making Thorn even more boring, so expect Thorn sans evil vampire soul to take
another 100-year nap over in the unemployment line soon.
It's time for Hey Man, Nice Shoot, the most hard-hitting interview
segment since the one where Bjork beat the shit out of the "Welcome to Bangkok" lady! This week will prove to be the least
frightening experience for me ever... unlike that time where I stepped on a dead mouse and I nearly jumped into the sun out
of shock and fear.
Black Reign: How dare you step on a mouse?
How about I introduce your ass before you
start talking like you've got throat cancer?
Black Reign: ...um... okay.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
my guest tonight is mentally fucked up, and he's got a rat... a rat that I specifically requested to be caged up prior to
this interview. Give a round of applause, and some anti-crazy pills, to my guest... BLACK REIGN~! I'll be honest here and
say that it is really not a pleasure to have you here. I mean, you're just Dustin Rhodes in a stupid costume.
Black
Reign: Hehehehe... nooooo. I am Blaaaaaack Reeeeeeign!
Do me a favor and don't drag your words out. This segment
is only about 10 minutes, you know.
Black Reign: Oh. My bad.
Yeah. So what's with the double personality
thing? Hasn't the insanity gimmick been done to death?
Black Reign: Thissss--- oh, I'm sorry. This is no gimmick.
This is reality!
How unfortunate for you. What's with the rat, then? I hear it's your manager.
Black Reign:
Hehehehe, this is Misty. She's such a pretty-pretty...
What the hell is a "pretty-pretty"?
Black Reign:
...come on, don't be such a snob.
Don't be such a wannabe freak. I've seen scarier dudes at the local Hot Topic. You
know what's really scary? Those little kids in that Red Hot Chili Peppers video, "Aeroplane". Britney's movie "Crossroads".
Britney in general. You? Not scary.
Black Reign: Don't make me take Misty out of her cage.
NO. That won't
be necessary. Hehe, I was just playing. You're way scary. See? I'm trembling in fear. Leave the rat where it is.
Black
Reign: That's muuuuch better.
Yeah. Totally. So, say I beat your head in... would that have you revert back to
Dustin mode?
Black Reign: I've... never really thought about that.
If you want, I'll have a security
guard assault you with a night stick or something.
Black Reign: Are you just trying to get rid of meeeee?
It's
a possibility. HEY, WAIT, DON'T BRING THE RAT OUT. I've got Charlie Haas waiting on deck to dropkick the shit out of you if
you try anything stupid.
Haas: Yeah, I'm totally available for dropkick bookings now that Shelton Benjamin's
been dumped into ECW to job for the rest of his WWE run.
Damn right. So you keep that disgusting rodent where it is,
and you won't have to sprout wings from your ass to fly over oncoming traffic like Lilian Garcia attempted here many, many
weeks ago.
Black Reign: Fair enough. Hey... uh... I'll be right back...
What? You can't just get up and
leave my interview! I've got fans to please! DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME~! Ugh. Okay, um, how can I pass the time? Oh, I know!
How about a drinking game? One shot of vodka for every time Dog the Bounty Hunter says nigg--- um, okay, my producer's telling
me not to do that. Alright then, genius, you think of something -- and you'd better not suggest Japanese karaoke again!
Black
Reign (sans costume, make-up, and dumbass raspy voice): I'm back!
...what the hell? Okay, uh, we're being joined
again by Dustin Rhodes, who left to remove all his Black Reign make-up and whatnot.
Rhodes: Whoa, I am not
Black Reign! Black Reign is an entirely different entity from myself. You've gotta help me, Catherine; he's trying to take
over my body!
Dustin... why do you do this to yourself?
Rhodes: What am I doing?! I'm asking you for
help, here! You're my only hope!
You're making SUCH an ass out of yourself! Cut it out!
Rhodes: I'M NOT
DOING ANY--- oh, God... not again... BLARGHBLARGHBLARGHBLARGHRAGGLEFRAGGLE~!
[Dustin very obviously turns around and
smears black and silver paint all over his face, then turns back around.]
You fucking id---
Black Reign:
Hehehehehehe... so you see that I am not Dustin Rhodes!
This is so stupid. This is the worst crap TNA's ever come
up with.
Black Reign: Are you afraid, Catherine? Bwahahaha!
Clearly, I'm not. Is this some kind of joke?
Am I getting Punk'd? This is Don West's idea, isn't it?
Don West: Let me tell you, Catherine Perez, that this
is not my doing. Black Reign is a disturbed individual, Catherine Perez. I think I just shit myself, Catherine Perez.
Great.
So Dustin here is really a complete psycho?
Rhodes [wiping the paint off his face]: Look, I'll give you anything
you want. Just help me out!
No.
Rhodes: COME ON~!
Dustin, Black Reign, whoever the fuck you are,
I hate you. Wrestling fans had to watch you pretend to be some golden transvestite with a love for movies, then you decided
to try your first TNA run just being you, then you came back as Gold-Speckled Tranny, and now you want to try your second
run in TNA as a fucking... whatever the hell Black Reign is supposed to be? What's wrong with being Dustin Rhodes, regular
fucking schmo? And will you STOP IT with the blargh-blargh shit?!
Black Reign [slapping himself in the face with
a paint-coated hand]: Hehehehehe... clearly, you're just as ignorant as they allllllll are!
Don't even.
Black
Reign: Bwahahaha---
Stop. Just stop. You know what? I'll play along. Let me just smear some of your paint on myself
here... okay. Watch this, Dustin Reign of Blackness. BWAHAHAHA, GET THE FUCK OFF MY SHOOOOOOWWWWWW~! OFFFFFFFF WITH YOUR HEAAAAAAAD~!
Black
Reign: ...dude, have you ever thought of joining TNA as my valet?
Oh, blow it out your ass. That does it for this
week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot. Be sure to check back next week when I sit down with the legendary Jim Ross, in an interview that
had better go more smoothly than the near-apocalyptic one I suffered through with Don We--- OH MY GOD, GET THAT FUCKING RAT
AWAY FROM ME!
And that was Deadface Walking, week 28. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated and can be sent either
to my e-mail address or HERE on MySpace. Thank you very much for taking the time to read through all these ridiculous
ramblings. If you'd be so kind, please take the time to check out all the hilarious goodness that is this week's updates.
A TNA double update is in order with Neil Cathan's TNA GENESIS 2007 recap and Charley Martin's IMPACT RANT. Booker T and Sharmell have joined the TNA-niverse, and there might be a WWE bashing
in order! Or not. But you know it's coming. Next up is Anthony Dean with the better-late-than-never SMACKDOWN RANT, featuring a never-anticipated battle between an angry Silverback and a... generic
Animal. Too bad the Rabid Wolverine isn't around to make that last sentence sound cooler. Hey, wait, that Wolverine never
existed. Ahem. Join me, yes, ME, for the SURVIVOR SERIES 2007 PPV RANT, where Randy Orton plays Mirror World Bret Hart and screws the Heartbreak Kid~! Man,
that Ben Stiller never saw it coming. Cameron Burge returns with the RAW RANT, where, despite the neverending SAVE_US.222 campaign nearly losing all fan interest,
Chris Jericho manages to make everyone mark the hell out like they never saw him coming. Awesome. Last, but most certainly
not least, Gershon Levy returns with the ECW RANT, where Shelton Benjamin hops on the infamous hamster wheel to Nowhere! Kelly Kelly
and Layla are feuding with each other, all while the ECW audience feuds with the arena exits (spoiler: the audience wins)!
Plus, do your part and enter a sample recap of this week's ECW for your chance to join the TWF staff as ECW Recapper! Details
are attached to Gersh's recap. Now, get cracking!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!
