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DEADFACE WALKING!: (11/17/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, your leading source for the incoherent babblings of a female wrestling fan. Sure, they're mostly coherent, but I needed an intro here. I'm sure that, by now, some of you are pretty sick of this column being late. Cut me some slack, kids; those college projects won't finish themselves. In fact, half this column was written on notebook paper. Don't say I don't try, bitches.

As was expected, Booker T made his TNA debut with Sharmell by his side, thus proving that TNA isn't very good at guessing games. They must really suck at charades:

Chris Sabin: Okay, Mike, you go first.
Mike Tenay: Okay. It's Booker T.
Everyone: ...
Jim Cornette: Tenay, you dumb son-of-a-bitch.

A more unexpected occurance came about after Booker's music (a similar version of his most popular, non-King theme). People cheered. Not only that, but they cheered wildly. Not to worry, Booker. I've got a bet on three months before all the TNA smarks "shoot" on YouTube about how you and all those WWE guys are hogging the limelight. Until then, the TNA fans LOVE this guy~! Now, don't get me wrong; I always appreciate what Booker does in the ring (the King Booker stuff was hilarious... at times). I'm just being realistic here, because there is just no pleasing a wrestling fan.

Also making his debut at TNA Genesis was Johnny Stamboli... in a mask. Initial reports said his ring name was Redrum (that's "murder" backwards, for the very few of you who haven't seen The Shining), others said it was Crimson Blood, but it looks like everyone's settling on the name of Rellik (that's "killer" backwards, for the very few of you who care). Here's a little fun fact about these three names: they all suck, but that's not to say that TNA didn't think very hard to come up with this name. In a Deadface Walking exclusive~!, I will now reveal a list of rejected names for Johnny Stamboli:

- Gnikcuf Emal
- Dnoyeb Tihs
- Emotipe Fo Gnirob
- Daehtihs
- Ssabmud

Clearly, Rellik was the wrong choice here. Anyway, what is it with TNA and these "scary" masked dudes? Is it Halloween every week on Impact? Now we've got to deal with Dustin Runnels as Black Reign and Stamboli as Rellik beating up on Abyss? Then we've got "Puerto Rican Undertaker" Judas Mesias to not care about now that he's back from his little injury. Then he'll... also beat up on Abyss. What the hell did Abyss do to get three guys to make his life miserable?

WWE have spoiled their own "well-kept" secret like none of us ever could. Many WWE Magazine subscribers have just received the new Holiday issue of the magazine, whose cover features Chris Jericho, who doesn't return to Raw until next Monday night. The cover also features the subheadline "The real story behind Y2J's shocking return." Way to go, WWE. They always know how to keep us fans not guessing. Keep a look-out for the next SAVE_US promo to air at Survivor Series:



Give WWE a nice round of applause at the risk of looking like a tool when your mothers pass by to collect your dirty laundry for their OBVI_US.222 campaign~!

Lena Yada, easily forgettable Diva Search reject, will probably be joining WWE as a backstage interviewer. Ugh. This year's winner, who name escapes me, is rumored to be replacing Brooke in the Extreme Exposť dance group. Here's a drinking game for you guys. For every audience member who slowly comes to the realization that Brooke's gone, you may have one shot of your favorite liquor. I guarantee you'll be drunk as fuck within eight weeks.

Believe it or not, the TNA fans chanted "YOU'VE STILL GOT IT (CLAP, CLAP, CLAP-CLAP-CLAP)" at a puffy-chipmunk-cheeked, chubby Scott Hall and a gray-haired Kevin Nash. If "it" is liver spots and powdered bones, I'd agree. TNA fans, for the love of God, stop chanting stupid shit just to hear yourselves. That's worse than the "THIS-IS-AWE-SOME" chants during uneventful matches. While Kevin Nash can at least take part in humorous segments, Scott Hall is just a miserable shell of his former self, and there isn't a "Hey, yo" in the world that can change my mind on that.

In a recent tour of Puerto Rico, Carlito jobbed in two separate matches, thus pissing off the P.R. fans enough to call WWE out on poor booking. Sheesh, you don't see Mysterio's San Diego fans get this uppity. The general consensus thus far shows that Carlito could possibly be on his way out of the company. Several Carlito items are currently on clearance over at WWE's Shopzone. One report states that Carlito may have requested his release, which has yet to be granted. Considering how that whole Ric Flair situation panned out, I'd advise readers to take this report with a grain of salt. I hear it's tastier that way.

The short-lived Wrestling Society X has a DVD out NOW. Yes, now you, random WSX non-fan, can have all the best of WSX on one DVD! Relive moments like... um... that really annoying announcer guy running around the ring like a fucking idiot, those huge explosions that were edited into the footage to make it seem like SHIT REALLY EXPLODED YET MAIMED NO ONE, the THRILLING Black Label Society performance that lasted an amazing 30 seconds, and NOT MUCH MORE. Wrestling Society X... get your shit today, or just proceed to flush twenty American dollars down the nearest toilet. It's your call. If there was anything good that WSX did for me, it was introducing me to the sheer awesomeness that is Human Tornado. That dude rules.

John Cena has requested an apology from the CNN news network for being a bunch of jack-offs. After editing the holy hell out of Cena's comments for their little exposť on pro wrestling called "Death Grip: Inside Pro Wrestling," Cena ended up looking like he was very dodgy with his words after being asked about whether he had ever used steroids or not. A near-three-minute response that followed "Absolutely not!" was replaced with the following:

"People conceive things because performance enhancing drugs have got the spotlight. It's a hot thing to talk about. I can't tell you that I haven't, but you'll never be able to prove that I have."

Those CNN guys sure have some nifty editing skills. WWE ended up totally hopping on CNN's nuts about their portrayal of Cena, and treated fans to an unedited version of Cena's response. Says WWE, "CNN's depiction of John Cena as it relates to steroids is not only professionally and morally wrong, but damaging to his character." The saddest thing about all this isn't the fact that Cena's street cred could've vanished faster than a chocolate cake at a Weight Watchers meeting, but that CNN has forced me -- ME! -- to support Cena on this issue. THE NERVE OF THOSE TWATS~! CNN, I'd like my apology in my Hotmail inbox by tomorrow morning.

Traci Brooks passed out at ringside during the Samoa Joe/Robert Roode match at the Genesis show on Sunday. This was not scripted, and the belief is that Traci was overheated. My belief is that she finally came to the realization that she's managing Robert fucking Roode. Meh, I kid. Hope she feels better.

Nicolas Cage dropped out of his role in the indie drama "The Wrestler", a film that will be directed by Darren Aronofsky in January. Mickey Rourke will be taking Cage's place as Randy "The Ram" Robinson (or Triple R, the guy who's most remembered for pinning 15 men at the same time. Man, that Triple H dude should try to break that record or something.), an aging wrestler who returns to the ring for one last shot at glory. Is that you, Ric Flair?! Anyway, it's a good thing, too; I just can't bring myself to see Nicolas Cage as a friggin' wrestler. At least Rourke kicked ass in Sin City as Marv. Besides, you tell me who fits the role of a washed-up, old wrestler better:



On top of that, Rourke was recently arrested for allegedly drunk driving... on a scooter?! This guy just SCREAMS "washed-up wrestler!" A casting job well done, right there.

Following this week's Smackdown tapings, JBL rounded up John Morrison, Mike Mizanin, MVP, CM Punk, and Matt Hardy backstage. I'd take the easy route and mention an ass-soaping, but I won't, because I'm that damn kind to you. According to PWInsider.com, JBL proceeded to "dress down (...no comment) and berate" Mizanin and Morrison for their color commentary on ECW. Good call, Jibble! Lord knows Mizanin sucks at everything, and Morrison's been using Doors lyrics as a crutch since his gimmick's been first introduced. JBL felt that the duo made Punk look bad instead of just being heels and saying bad things about him. I... don't see the difference, really. JBL also chewed them out for their shit-tastic ring work during their match with MVP and Matt Hardy, and demanded that they apologize to Punk, MVP and Hardy for making them all look bad. Mizanin apologized, but Morrison replied with, "Fuck you, it's none of your business." OOOHHHH SNAAAAAP~! After some heated argument, Morrison shoved Jibble and some agents had to break it up. That'd be pretty cool if Agent Smith from The Matrix worked for WWE. What? Anyway, I'm sure this will lead to a John Morrison job-a-thon, which will, in time, lead to a fate similar to Jim Morrison's... you know, with the whole death part replaced with a going-nowhere stint in TNA. Yep. Drugs, booze, threatening to whip his dick out in public areas, and TNA. Then maybe, just maybe, death. Then a shitty CNN exposť on how pro wrestling "really is". IN THE CIRRRRRRCLE... THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE~!

Where the hell is Kevin Thorn, sleeping for the next hundred years in a coffin? We'd only be so lucky, but as CM Punk and many homeless, compulsive gamblers have taught us, luck is for losers. Kevin Thorn hasn't appeared on ECW in a month due to being punished for botching a move on K.C. James (who was working the match as James Curtis, or "Jobber #53988145") on October 9th. The punishment is mostly because of the fact that James could have been severely injured from the botch. Aside from that, Thorn supposedly has a bad attitude, -- wouldn't you if hundreds of years of your living among us led to a shitty career with a shitty brand? -- and his matches receive lukewarm (and that's putting it kindly) reception from the crowd. I think it's because they know he's really Mordecai with a dye job. Just a thought. And that was your least important news bit of the week.



Thank you for joining me for another rousing edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Without any further ado, I'd like to introduce a man who barely sees the light of day. Ladies and gentlemen, STEVIE RICHARDS~!

...

Where the hell is Stevie?

Richards: Right here.

HOLY FUCK! What the hell are you doing behind my chair?!

Richards: Trying to keep my job!

You don't work here.

Richards: No shit. I mean I don't want the McMahons to know I'm here. They'll make me job to Big Daddy V before sending me packing.

Christ, that's awful. Now, why don't you go sit on your chair so I can see your face?

Richards: No way, I like my job.

Hell, who wouldn't? You practically get paid to sit at home.

Richards: I know! Isn't that awesome?

No doubt. So, how's your life been since the relaunch of ECW?

Richards: ...exactly the same. I said hi to Stephanie McMahon the other day, and she mistook me for an OVW trainee. Again.

Why on earth would you risk losing your job like that? Well, hey, don't sweat it. I hear she does that to every wrestler on the payroll except for Triple H. So, you must get pretty lonely trying to constantly hide from the McMahons.

Richards: Nah, Funaki's usually with me. Scotty Too Hotty used to hang out with us, but Stephanie caught him trying to grab food from catering. I'm glad WWE doesn't do any boiler room brawls anymore, too. That's my best hiding spot.

I'll bet. Say you were fired from WWE. Would TNA be the next step for you?

Richards: No way! Raven's there. He'll beat the shit out of me every week, for no reason!

Oh, come on. They'll treat you like a Greek god over there. Look at what they did for Scott Hall this week. I mean, "you've still got it?" Got what? A colostomy bag?

Richards: ...Hall's still alive?

I asked myself the same thing. I thought the 12-pound jelly doughnut dipped in pancake batter and hot sauce he got as payment from TNA would've had him kicking the bucket. Anyway, are you sure you wouldn't jump to TNA?

Richards: Hey, I don't need to wrestle Shark Boy in a Best of 3000 Series. Maybe I'll just join Shane Douglas over at Target.

Meh, with those choices, I'd rather wrestle Shark Boy. Hey~! Is that Stephanie slapping the shit out of my camera crew over there?

Richards: WHAT?! OH GOD, OH SHIT.

It is! Welcome to the show, Stephanie. Nice to have you here.

Stephanie: Which one of my wrestlers are you interviewing for your lame little fat boy rumor site this week?

No one you'll recognize, and what do you mean by your wrestlers? Last I checked, Vince hasn't croaked yet. Are you PMS'ing today?

Stephanie: You're damn right I am, bitch! Now give me my wrestler back!

Fuck off, with your sagging, Amazing Kong tits!

Richards: Dude, don't piss her off...
Stephanie: IS THAT BLUE MEANIE?
Richards: ...yes?
Stephanie: WELL, YOU'RE FIRED.
Richards: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M STEVIE! STEVIE RICHARDS!

Egads, man. Well, Stevie just ran off to slit his wrists or something, so I guess we're stuck with Stephanie. Nice job; you've sent yet another wrestler's world to the shitter. How do you feel about ruining so many lives?

Stephanie: You don't think I'm a little too busy to "feel"?

Ah, so that explains how you got pregnant.

Richards: MY LIFE IS OVER, NOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

And that was Stevie Richards racing across my set.

Stephanie: Oh, so THAT'S Stevie Richards. Where'd Blue Meanie go? I need him to job to JBL next week.

Blue Meanie hasn't been in WWE for a couple of years now.

Stephanie: Well, yeah, because Creative had nothing for him. We might have to fire him soon.

...right. Speaking of Creative, how can you possibly call yourselves that when you guys even steal ideas off of TheWrestlingFan.com?

Stephanie: So what? We'll send the fat kid who owns the site a 12-pound jelly doughnut dipped in pancake batter and hot sauce.
Scott Hall: Those fuckers are delicious.

What the hell? The IWC isn't entirely made up of fat kids, you know!

Stephanie: ..sure it is. Hunter said it is.

You know what? I might actually invite you back onto my little show someday. Arguing with you probably makes the IWC kids happy in their pants. In the meantime, thank you for joining me for Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Check back next week for another exciting interview with my guest... BLACK REIGN? AWWW, COME ON.

And that was Deadface Walking, week 27. As always, feedback goes to the below link, and here on
MySpace. While you're still hanging around TWF.com, take some time to check out all of this week's updates! Sean Carless recapitates 2004's SURVIVOR SERIES, the PPV that gave us Maven as Raw's General fucking Manager for a week. Christ. Cameron Burge returns with the RAW RANT, where WWE teases ending the brand extension but, as usual, never follows through. Gershon Levy returns with the ECW on SCI-FI RANT, featuring some of the worst color commentary from Mike Mizanin and John Morrison. What did the ECW fans do to deserve that? Justin Shapiro checks in with an all-new RETRO HEAT, where most of those who wrestled that week were shown the door soon after. Finally, James Walker brings us the SURVIVOR SERIES 2006 RANT, featuring the pay-per-view that was advertised with a poster of the holy visages of the Big Show, John Cena, and King Booker on a toothless skull for no apparent reason. Now get to it~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).