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DEADFACE WALKING!: (11/10/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking! Again, I'd like to apologize for the lack of an update last week. All complaints may be sent to the dirty, filthy pricks over at CuntComcast. Honestly, an entire week without internet just about killed me inside. Good thing I bought a copy of that Ghost Hunters Live DVD to keep me busy; I love that fucking show. Oh, and my apologies for the lateness this week. Shit happens. Yeah. Anyway, I'm Catherine Perez, your hostess and potential candidate for the race to U.S. presidency. Hey, if Hillary "Banshee Laugh" Clinton can run, so can I. I'd like to take this time to dedicate this week's column to Lillian Ellison, most famously known as WWE Hall of Famer Fabulous Moolah, who recently passed away at the age of 84. Moolah definitely had an amazing career under her belt, and I definitely appreciate her accomplishments as a true women's wrestler... you know, excluding the last few things she's done for WWE. Like crawling on her hands and knees and barking. Good grief. By the way, my "Where Are They Now?" segment's on hiatus, because I can't think of a damn thing to do with it, and because I can do stuff like that. I think. Now, let's get this fucker started!

TNA has finally pulled the plug on Pacman Jones. Unfortunately, this plug was not attached to any kind of life support. Ahem. Either way, thank you, sweet Lord. I don't think there's ever been a more useless or less charismatic wrestling personality since Brooke of ECW, who, by the way, was given the boot after allegedly getting into a scuffle with Melina over a pair of furry boots. What? Thank God to that, too. I love it when assbags like these two are sent packing. Good riddance, I say. I'm still trying to decide who was the more worthless, unprofitable abortion of the two, and I think I may have to give Pacman the nod here. I don't remember Pacman giving a handful of 14-year-old fans a massive chubby; do you? Then again, there's a good chance that no one found Brooke to be chubby-inducing. It's a tie! Hooray! What I find the most amusing is that Johnny Ace was very sad to see Brooke go, seeing as he is one of her biggest supporters. Who'dathunk it, besides everyone on this planet? Moving on.

Chris Masters is finally fired. At first it was reported that he received yet another 60-day suspension after violating the Wellness Policy... again. Yeah. The guy's been suspended at least four times already! I was totally going to call shenanigans on the whole thing, but then WWE.com gave us this wonderful news. It's almost like WWE's having a good week, only not... or something... what?

The big-wigs over at the Sci-Fi Network are griping about ECW's show not having any sci-fi content, which was promised when WWE signed their first deal with the network. Oh, come on! They gave them a vampire; what more could they want? A zombie?! WWE just threw a black hole called Big Dipper Daddy V into the damn show! Tommy Dreamer's male pattern baldness was caused by stress following an anal probe on an alien spacecraft! Or maybe it wasn't, but Sci-Fi doesn't need to know! They can cancel ECW for all I care; it'll make room for more Ghost Hunters repeats.

Stacy Keibler (remember her? Me neither.) recently told the Baltimore Sun that she hasn't been contacted once, not even for a one night stand in Johnny Ace's office, by WWE since her departure. I'd wonder why, but it's already obvious that WWE shouldn't have any reason to contact a no-talent bimbo who left the company after being allowed to receive the opportunity of a lifetime in the form of a lame dance competition, only to talk shit about pro-wrestling in general by calling it "just some silly thing I used to do." Fuck Stacy Keibler, right in her potentially semen-crusted ass. Keibler also said that should couldn't deal with the wrestling lifestyle now (yeah, it's always hard to take a plane over to Bumfuck, Egypt just to slooooowly step into a ring all while showing off legs and a hilariously tiny ass) and isn't interested in going back on the road. What a coincidence; tons of WWE fans aren't interested in seeing her back on the road either (well, at least I hope not, considering her entrances were a monumental waste of life). I hope I didn't come off as a huge Stacy hater, LOLOLOL~!111 Ahem.

This just in: Hornswoggle McMahon still isn't funny. Yeah. After that whole ACME detonation skit, my laughter merely continued to no-show these segments. Maybe they should turn Hornswoggle heel. Then he can be like the leprechaun from the painfully cheesy Leprechaun movie series. He can go on a neverending search for his gold, searching high and low, making Divas' asses turn abnormally huge through the use of IRISH MAGIC~!, and eventually find his gold at the end of a certain rainbow called the unemployment line. Holy shit, that's awesome; where's my seat in the WWE Creative meeting room?

Speaking of creativity, or the lack there-of, some shameless asshole on WWE's Creative team actually pitched an idea to Triple H to call the Great Khali's handler "Arab Bischoff" in the opening, long-winded D-Generation X segment this past Monday on Raw. The line ended up not being used. For those who don't know, "Arab Bischoff" is a term coined by one Justin Shapiro after one Sean Carless noted that Runjin Singh looks like a Pakistani version of Eric Bischoff, and thus was used frequently in many TWF columns and message board conversations. Hey, I know it's musty inside the meeting room in Stephanie McMahon's ass, but it can't be so much to kill brain cells to the point where they'd steal shit from a fucking wrestling satire site. Get your shit together, assbags, and start being... what's that word? Oh. CREATIVE.

Here's more on the lack of creativity. TNA has revealed its own version of WWE's SAVE_US campaign in the form of a mystery link from TNA Today that leads to 11t11n07a.com. Much like WWE's campaign, cracking the code is uncommonly easy. Once at TNA's mystery site, you can solve a puzzle that hints at Booker T's debut at this weekend's Genesis PPV. This puzzle includes a few names spelled backwards, including "BORDEN" (Sting's last name) and "HUFFMAN" (totally not Booker T's real last name, they swear). Their most obvious giveaway are the initials BT at the top of the puzzle. Much like Sean Carless alluded to in his latest special report, don't be surprised when the Eyebrowed Wonder himself, Maven Huffman, walks out of that big fucking TNA tunnel. I just want to hear Don West attempt to hype that shit up like it's awesome. "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, MIKE TENAY?! IT'S MAVEN HUFFMAN, MIKE TENAY! I JUST SHIT MYSELF, MIKE TENAY! WHERE'S MY FUCKING INHALER, MIKE TENAY?! ONLY IN TNA AND NEVER IN WWE DESPITE US GETTING ALL OUR TALENT FROM THERE, MIKE TENAY!" Tard.

Joanie Laurer has officially changed her name to Chyna. YEAH, TAKE THAT, MCMAHONS~! There's just one problem:

Vince: Who's Chyna?
Stephanie: Who's Chyna?
The rest of the known universe: Who's Chyna?

Tough luck, Joanie. Have fun calling Howard Stern every week for a living. And that's your least interesting news bit of the week.


Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot, wrestling fans! This week, I've got security guards with stun guns, and WWE "Diva" Ashley Massaro~! Didn't I interview you a few weeks ago?

Ashley: Um, no, that was John Cena.

Dude, I know you're Cena.

Ashley: WHAT?

What, surprised that I know your secret? Surprised that I'm revealing to the entire world that you are John Cena in drag?!

Ashley (looking at an index card full of notes): You must have read that from a rumor site. Fat wrestling fans don't know anything.

Who wrote that for you? Triple H?

Ashley: Yeah, he always knows the best ways to get out of answering questions.

So you are John Cena.

Ashley: I am not John Cena. Have you like, never seen the both of us standing together? We were on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, you know.

Don't plug your shit here, Ashley. Do you know what I did to Don West weeks ago when the cameras stopped rolling, just for plugging his stupid TNA DVDs?

Ashley: Um... no?

Good, and neither should the cops. So, how's the old body been? Still causing concern among archaeologists?

Ashley: What?

You clearly didn't see my special report on you being the Yeti in disguise.

Ashley: Who? I'm not the Yeti, either! Why can't I be someone cool? Like Benji from Good Charlotte?

...wow. I didn't expect you to know who the Yeti is, anyway, seeing as you have very minimal knowledge on pro-wrestling.

Ashley: I do not!

I know that.

Ashley: No, I mean, like... I know a lot about wrestling! My dad and brothers were wrestlers! Obviously, you've never heard of the famous Massaro wrestling family.

Neither has the rest of the universe, apparently. Where were you guys on that Most Powerful Families in Wrestling DVD?

Ashley: Uh...

Exactly. Ashley, I'll have you know that I have a very low tolerance for bullshit.

Ashley: ...

It's true. I mean, what the hell's up with that Teller guy, anyway? If his name's Teller, why doesn't he talk? Where's the special CNN report on that?

Ashley: You've lost me.

I'm sure you say that quite a bit over at "wrestling school". Speaking of which, let's talk about your abysmally poor wrestling skills. You've been with WWE for about 2 years now, and you have yet to impress me and millions of others with your extremely limited in-ring arsenal. What gives?

Ashley: Well, I mean, like, I'm still training, and it's a very difficult---

Why didn't your all-powerful wrestling family teach you? I DEMAND TO KNOW~!

You ARE John Cena, aren't you? There's no Massaro wrestling family, is there?

Ashley: ...(sigh) no.

No to the Cenaness or no to the family?

Ashley: I'M NOT JOHN CENA!

Let's take a look at your storied wrestling career, okay? Very few memorable matches, if any at all... well, none at all. Tons of injuries caused by a lack of wrestling ability. Well, that pretty much ends right there. So let's look into everything you've done outside of wrestling because of wrestling: a guest hosting gig on Fuse's The Sauce, a guest appearance on a home makeover show, a guest appearance on various news shows, a guest appearance on Smallville, a guest appearance in a Timbaland video, a 6-day stint on Survivor: China, a Playboy cover all to yourself... are you sure it's a wrestling career that you want to be remembered for?

Ashley (looking at her index card again): I'm really grateful that WWE has given me all these amazing opportunities---

Enough pussyfooting. Speaking of pussy, didn't you pose for Playboy under some fake name? Yeah, there were titties and ass all over that shit, weren't there? I digress. Ashley, you've got fans... shockingly... who hail you as the next Trish Stratus, all with a straight face. Don't you feel embarrassed that you're being praised for shit you'll most likely never accomplish? Aren't you ashamed? AREN'T YOU?!

Ashley: Dude... why all the hate?

What hate? I'm actually in a really good mood tonight. Now, let's talk about your clothing choice.

Ashley: Before you even get to that, I wear these clothes all the time.

Do you, really?

Ashley: Hell yeah~! I listen to heavy metal when I sleep, dude. I'm hardcore!

Hardcore Holly: Hey, fuck you, rookie!

Bob... go to your cage.

Holly: ...

Let's talk music, Ash. Look, I've even brought in some random music elitist prick to shoot down everything you love with his lack of proper vocabulary. Welcome to the show , music elitist prick.

Music elitist prick: Yeah, whatever. Just get this over with; I've gotta get to 1,000,000 points on Guitar Hero.

Right on. Go ahead, Ashley. What kind of potentially awful stuff are you into?

Ashley: Um... well, okay, like, I LOVE Aiden!
Prick: Fags.

Ouch.

Ashley: ...um... I really love AFI.
Prick: They fuckin' belong on Mars, maaaan!
Ashley: ...

Go on.

Ashley: I... like Pantera?
Prick: HEY, FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LISTEN TO PANTERA! GO LISTEN TO YOUR FAGGY NSYNC CDS~!!1
Ashley: I don't even listen to---
Prick: FAAAAAAAGS!

Thank you, music elitist prick. Your check's in the mail.

Prick: Awesome! Now I can buy that Ibanez Mindfuck XKELOL123 Guitar Hero controller~!

Loser. Ashley, many of your haters, totally not including myself, have speculated that you enjoy dating wealthy guys.

Ashley: WHAT?

Is that your favorite word or something? Anyway, it's true. Chuck Whats-His-Face from Simple Plan---

Prick: FAGS!

Get out of here, asshole! Ahem, where was I? Oh, right. You've dated the Simple Plan guy, Matt Hardy... speaking of Matt, how many times did he call you "Amy" during sex?

Ashley: How'd you know that?
Matt Hardy: I... uh... I blogged about it on MySpace.

What the hell are you doing here? SECURITY~!

[Security guards tackle Matt to the floor.]

Hardy: YOU CAN CATCH ME AT RING OF HONOR! ROH!!!

You're still with WWE, idiot.

Hardy: Oh... IT'S US vs. THEM, AND WE WILL SHELL OUT $60 A YEAR TO WATCH ME JUMP INTO MY POOL WITH MY BROTHER JEFF, WHOSE ALTER-EGO IS SOME GUY NAMED ITCHWEEED. THAT'S THREE FUCKIN' E'S~! THEHARDYSHOW.COM!!!

[One guard whips out a taser stun gun.]

Hardy: DON'T TASE ME, BRO! DON'T TASE ME, BRO!

[Hardy is tased anyway - a most hilarious sight - and is taken away.]

That was awesome. Somebody send a copy of that footage to my place. I think I'll end this interview here, just to have an awesome ending for once. I'd like to thank John Cena for joining us; I'd shake your hand, but I don't want it to dissolve.

Ashley: Yo, word life. I mean... hehehe... I totally gave myself away, didn't I?

Damn right you did. Might as well start doing a little Irish jig, like Ashlee Simpson. Join me next week, wrestling fans, for an EXTREEEEEME interview with forgotten ECW star, Stevie Richards!

That does it for another edition of Deadface Walking! Send in your questions, comments, and random thoughts to my e-mail address at the bottom of this page, and through MySpace. Also, take the time to check out all the hilarious updates of the week. Sean Carless looks back at Survivor Series 2003 in his RETRO RANT. Gershon Levy and Cameron Burge trade rants for the week with the RAW and ECW on SCI-FI rants, respectively. Did you miss the Smackdown vs. Raw 2008 Trivia Contest? Me too. Check out all the winners and full trivia answers RIGHT HERE. James Walker makes his return to TheWrestlingFan with an all-new WHITE VANS and CANDY, featuring James's Drunken State of Wrestling Address! Derek Burgan also returns with an all-new DVD review of TNA's INSTANT CLASSIC CHRISTIAN CAGE. That's right, Christian first week in TNA was chronicled for your viewing pleasure! Is Booker T saving us from shit-tacular TNA programming? Check HERE for a breaking news brief on a viral marketing campaign that'll have even Nancy Drew's nonexistent retard cousin unlocking he mystery! Finally, Anthony Dean checks in once again with the SMACKDOWN RANT, where The Undertaker takes on the Great Khali in a NO HOLDS BARRED match, where the only hold that was barred was probably a fucking giant hand covering 'Taker's face. Clearly there's tons of shit for you to read this week, so check it all out and laugh your balls off or something. Toodles~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).