After taking a nasty fall on this Monday's Raw, Candice Michelle will be out of action for 6 to 8 weeks with a cracked clavicle. Hey, that sucks and everything, but I will be the first to say that I'm so glad I won't be forced to suffer through that God-awful entrance theme of hers for over a month. Oh, don't act like you fuckin' care about Candice now, assholes.
Speaking of bodies dropping to the floor... Prior to the Sci-Fi Network's 2008 suspiciously quick renewal of the C-brand show, it looked like Extreme Championship Wrestling was enduring its dying days once again, and this time, Paul Heyman's bouncing checks had nothing to do with it. The Sci-Fi Network had informed WWE that they would not be renewing ECW's contract in the spring. WWE's creative teams quickly pulled out all the stops to try and save their time slot. WWE had kayfabe general managers Armando Estrada and Vickie Guerrero negotiate having their respective ECW and Smackdown stars share shows, and treated us to a ZOMG TAG TEAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY by teaming Kane with CM Punk. Ah, yes, just what ECW was missing; more stars that don't draw. Hey, come on; I love Kane, but is he really the answer to ECW's problems? Fuck no, but I guess that's all Sci-Fi needed. Honestly, I love that ECW's been dying faster under Vince's vice grip than it did under Paul Heyman's influence. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell which ECW was better in its heyday. Hell, ECW on Sci-Fi didn't even get to enjoy a heyday, what with ratings plunging at an alarming rate after fans witnessed the premiere episode. Vince McMahon's biggest mistake was ignoring the ECW fans, those who enjoyed the first incarnation, and even those who saw the Rise and Fall DVD and first One Night Stand show and were amazed at what they saw (those fans aren't "lesser" fans, either, you elitist pricks), and it's obvious that when it all came back to haunt Vince, he'd look for someone other than himself to blame. Tweaking the old product to be more current without straying from what made ECW so popular would definitely have worked - despite what Vince says. The only reason ECW wasn't huge on a global scale was because they lacked the resources to bring the promotion to the masses, and that's honestly it. ECW on Sci-Fi is as big a miss as (if not bigger than) the XFL, in my opinion. Enough ranting; let's move on.
And more on bodies dropping: Last Friday afternoon, a fan at some meet-and-greet session dropped to the floor, suffering from an epileptic seizure. Tammy Sytch (yes, that Tammy Sytch) quickly jumped out from behind her table to aid the fallen fan, making sure his head didn't hit the floor repeatedly, and immediately ordered the nearest person to dial 911. A very kind gesture from Tammy, right there. So kind, in fact, that I have no joke for this. Hey, I like to think of myself as a humanitarian, too. What? I never said I didn't have a soul.
After being released by WWE... again... Teddy Hart no-showed a PWA show in Calgary. Randy Orton, a third generation superstar (and don't you fucking forget it~!) had this to say: "Look, Teddy, if you honestly think you're going to get by in the wrestling business because you're part of some famous wrestling family, you've got another thing coming." Well, no he didn't. Either way, when reached for comment, Pot and Kettle merely shook their heads in disbelief. Oh, and in a recent interview, good ol' Teddy stated that he doesn't know why he was fired. Give it up for the winner of the I'm A Tool sweepstakes! Oh, fuck this guy... looking like the demon offspring of Jeff Hardy and a Cuban woman.
Chris Salsbury is currently a very hated man within the wrestling business. After a confrontation with Scott Steiner, the promoter of the WrestleFanFest convention held at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, CA fled from his hotel room and disappeared into obscurity. Many wrestlers who appeared at the convention have fallen victim to Salsbury's bouncing checks. At one point, Salsbury locked himself in his hotel room to avoid further confrontation from other wrestlers. At the moment, Chris Salsbury's whereabouts are unknown. Even though about 100 wrestlers were advertised to appear at the WrestleFanFest (Christ, that's a lot of potentially bouncing checks), the convention only drew about 200 to 300 people last Friday. Ouch. Good luck with the whole trying not to get killed thing, Chris.
Kristal Marshall was shown the door this week after supposedly refusing to play Edge's new whore-like beau upon his return. Honestly? The girl doesn't want us to believe that she gets speared in the cunt by Edge on a nightly basis, and she's fired for it? You know, in any other company, that's seen as admirable. Kristal was apparently let go quietly so as to not ruin the Teddy Long Viagra coma storyline that no one gives a rat's ass about. There's also no word on how boyfriend Bobby Lashley feels about all this, according to other sources. According to me, there's no word on why those other sources would even give a fuck about that. Why not just find something else for her to do, you (don't) ask? Sources say (man, I'd love to know who the hell these "sources" are) Kristal's firing was a long time coming. She would tell writers that Teddy Long and/or Vickie Guerrero were unhappy with certain storylines, which upset the two because it wasn't true (nice save, guys; very smooth way to save your asses). Kristal also gained a reputation for no-selling beatings and ignoring feedback - obviously, she was possessed by the malevolent spirit of Hulk Hogan... or maybe she's just a bitch. Plans for Kristal to move to Raw with Bobby Lashley were scrapped after Vince McMahon had enough of her, which normally happens after he dismounts a Diva. What? Well, bye, Kristal; let us know what it's like to beg for your Price Is Right job back.
Reports from TNA's mobile service stating that Scotty 2 Hotty, Brian Christopher and Too Cold Scorpio are all in negotiations with TNA are believed to be completely false. TNA is merely using their texting service to stir up buzz for the company. Idiots. I can't even remember the last time anyone said, "HOLY SHIT, SCOTTY 2 HOTTY'S IN TOWN, I'D BETTER GET ME A FUCKIN' TICKET~!" Know why? No one's ever fucking said it, that's why.
This year's Insensitive Bastard of the Year award goes to Batista, who... you know what? Let me just leave a quote, and you can draw conclusions yourselves:
Now, don't get me wrong, my ex-wife is the love of my life and I would never knowingly hurt her. However, while I was busting my butt on the road like a dog, she would sit around the house and do nothing. I mean, yeah, she had cancer, but she couldn't vacuum? And since the chemo made her "not in the mood", I had no choice but to have threesomes on the road. I mean, she's talented and I hated to see her waste her life like that when she could be a dancer, or maybe a nurse. But she's not a bad person and I take full responsibility for my actions, even though it was her fault.
Oh, God, excuse her for having FUCKING CANCER. That pompous fuck! He had no choice but to cheat on his own wife, and fuck any ring rat who would spread her ass-cheeks like an eagle's wings within a 10-mile radius? And it's supposedly her fault, like she fucking asked for cancer? I hope this ass-ramming, piece-of-shit, fuckhead pig gets cancer himself. I really didn't like Batista anyway, but he's now a complete pile of shit in my book as of this writing. God help his ex-wife; dealing with cancer must be bad enough. I can only imagine what it's like to have an unsupportive heap of trash like Dave as a husband. That dick can take his unlimited Konami cheat title shots and stick them straight up his ass.
Lilian Garcia's album, "¡Quiero Vivir!", absolutely fucking bombed, selling less than 3,800 copies, which probably still generated more money than Cena's CD ever will. Lilian and WWE only set themselves up for disappointment here, honestly. I've never really given a salty fuck about album sale figures, though; Nine Inch Nails' latest effort, Year Zero, didn't do so great on the charts, but it's probably one of the best albums I've heard all year. I'm sure Lilian's album is nice and all (don't look to me to listen to it...), but did she really expect tons of people to buy a spanish-only album that was only advertised to us, a bunch of wrestling fans? Hell, if most of us won't even buy the damn pay-per-view shows...
Stephanie McMahon apparently blew up before the No Mercy pay-per-view a few weeks ago over Chris Jericho being revealed as the subject of the SAVE_US promos. Did she, really? What retard can't figure it out for him/herself? I mean, we've got a lot of smart little bastards running around the internet wrestling community, finding little reversed snippets of Chris Jericho's theme music in the damn promos; somebody's bound to figure it all out and tell everyone of the findings! Stephanie supposedly blew up so bad that she wanted to investigate all of the creative team's cell phone records and go all Forensic Files on all of their computers and e-mails. Christ, Stephanie; chill the hell out. It's not like it's their faults they're so incompetent; it's yours, Little Miss Former Creative Head Honcho. As a result of this heinous leakage, Stephanie is now considering revising all creative team contracts, disallowing them to speak out publicly during their WWE tenures, and from speaking for or against the company after their firings. This would keep someone from jumping to TNA and leaking WWE ideas. A nice round of applause for Miss Paranoia 2007, everyone.
This week on WWE.com's "Superstar2Superstar", Ric Flair interviews Murder, Inc. Records founder Irv Gotti. Who? Hey~! Looks like WWE managed to get Flair back to the company. Good thing, too; last thing I need to see is Ric Flair in TNA, forming some kind of fucked up version of the Four Horsemen. Say NO to the Four Seamen (HARHARHAR) comprised of Flair, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett~! Seriously, say no. The things they might do are unspeakable.
HEY, MINNESOTA WRESTLING FANS~! Ever wanted your own pro-wrestling company, but didn't know where to start? Well, now you can own the All-Star Wrestlers Federation, based out of St. Paul... for a small fee of $98,789. THAT'S RIGHT. Included in your acquisition are items like a wrestling ring, parachute canvas, strobe lights, and a FOG MACHINE! You even get to own uncontracted wrestlers... so says the ad. So make like Vince McMahon and put the large balls of professional wrestling in a vice grip for the next 25+ years today! Besides, when you die, you can award ownership of the ASWF to your evil, shrieking banshee of a daughter and her large-nosed husband, all while your gray-haired son weeps. And that was your least interesting news bit of the day.
Welcome back to Hey Man, Nice Shoot, wrestling fans! Tonight my guest has made history by becoming the first guest to invite himself to my show. Ladies and gentlemen... John Goodman!
Don West: ...(cough)
Oh, wow, you're not John Goodman. Ladies and gentlemen... Fred Flintstone!
West: YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME~!
Heeey, I recognize that unnecessarily loud voice! Ladies and gentlemen, TNA color commentator DON WEST! Great to have you here, Don. I think. I'd have preferred Fred Flintstone.
West: It's great to be here, Catherine Perez. Today's gotta be the greatest day in the history of the sport!
Don't you say that about, well, every Thursday?
West: I may have, I may not have, Catherine Perez, but one thing's for certain, Catherine Perez, and that's the fact that I've got a truckload of TNA merchandise waiting in the trunk of my car to be shilled out by the lots for unbeLIEVable prices!
You are not selling that crap on my show.
West: Already have. You may not have noticed, but through speed-talking lesson, I've already sold 6,000 units of TNA's Final Resolution 2006 for an unreal fee of $7.
Jeremy Borash: $7?! THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE~!
West: It sure is, disembodied voice of Jeremy Borash! That's why I'm going to throw in an entire collection of this year's pay-per-view shows for the price of this ONE Final Resolution 2006 show!
(Cough) That doesn't sound too bad...
West: Well, allow me to sweeten the frickin' deal, Sugartits. I'm also throwing in an autographed copy of Raven's Nevermore DVD, abso-fuckin'-lutely free!
SOLD! Wait a minute... put this shit away, you corporate whore! Leave the Raven DVD, though. Ahem. So, now that pro-wrestling's B-company has its 2 hours of programming, what's next for TNA?
West: I'll have you know that TNA is the cream of the crop when it comes to pro-wrestling. We aren't sports-entertainment, Catherine Perez, we are wrestling!
James Earl Jones: We AAAAAAAARE wrestling!
Who the hell invited Mufasa?
Jones: I'm paid by TNA to randomly sing TNA's praises. TEEEEE ENNNN AYYY~!
West: James Earl Jones is a legend in this business---
West: ---which is why TNA will be inviting him to team with Ron "The Truth" Killings... since he's black, too. ONLY IN TNA!
Jones: Only in TEEEEE ENNNN AYYYY!
Jones, get the fuck out of here.
West: That right there is just a smidgen of the sheer awesomeness that can only be seen in TNA, Catherine Perez. Are you impressed, Catherine Perez? ARE YOU AMAZED, CATHERINE PEREZ?!
Why do you keep repeating my full name?
Mike Tenay: I'd like to know the same thing, broadcasting partner Catherine Perez, which is why you should take a look at this EXCLUSIVE one-on-one backstage interview with the legendary Don West. Roll the clip!
...asshole, there is no clip. I'm interviewing Don West. And how in the hell do all these random assholes keep getting in here?!
West: Boy, that interview with Don West sure was disturbing, Catherine Perez. Don West is a sick individual... just sick.
...Don, are you schizophrenic?
West: Not as schizophrenic as Black Reign, the sinister alter-ego of the mentally disturbed Dustin Rhodes. He's got a rat, you know. Rats are disturbing pets. Disturbing. Dis. Tur. Bing.
You're truly scaring the shit out of me.
West: Am I, Catherine Perez? Well then let's check out my Deals of the Day~!
But, didn't you just---
(Don pulls out a briefcase and opens it, revealing tons of TNA DVDs.)
West: Today we're giving away twelve DVDs of our choosing, Catherine Perez. First we've got the Best of the Harris Twins, a no-disc DVD of all the best of Don and Ron Harris. One of 'em's named Don, so you're obligated to get this one! Next we've got the Best of Christian Cage, a three-disc DVD of Christian Cage's first WEEK in TNA!
Stop, you're killing me.
West: Now here's a real killer, Catherine Perez. Included in this set are ten, TEN~!111 TNA pay-per-views chock full of flippy wrestling action that'll have you screaming for more! Genesis, Bound for Glory, Destination X -- we've got 'em all, you want 'em! Regular price for this collection is $65 trillion, just guess how much this is going for today, Catherine Perez?
I really don't give a---
West: FUCKING GUESS.
West: ...how'd you know? Well, FUCK THAT, I've got a rent payment to make, so I'm willing to give away this amazing collection for a measly twenty-five bucks! IT DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THIS, CATHERINE PEREZ.
Don, you're clearly a sad, sad man.
West: Alright, fine, twelve bucks, but that's my final fuckin' offer. YEAH.
Can I finally ask a damn question now? Right, so, I'd like to know what's up with your inability to control the volume of your voice when something supposedly exciting happens.
West: That's not true, Catherine Perez. I can perfectly control the volume of my voice.
A.J. Styles just executed a perfect Pele Kick, Don.
West: PELE KICK~!!! PELE KICK FROM OUT OF NOWHERE. JESUS CHRIST ON A STEAMY CROSS, HOW DOES HE DO IIIIIIIIIIT?!?!
I rest my case.
West: ...want to buy some TNA DVDs?
Christ, you're pushier about peddling merch than Virgil.
Virgil: You just mentioned me by name. I'm now officially allowed to rob you of $65.
Oh my God. HEY, GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE MY MONEY! Alright, this fuckin' interview's OVER! Everybody get the fuck away from me! Join me next week, wrestling fans, for an exciting interview with... Ashley Massaro?! WHO'S BOOKING THIS SHIT?! I'm going to have to hire some security guards...
Thank you for reading Deadface Walking. My apologies for the millionth lateness of this month. Make sure to leave feedback over at my inbox or RIGHT HERE. Also, make sure to check out all the great updates of the week. I'd link them all, but I'm about to die of drowsiness, if it's even possible. This column has been brought to you by Oxycodone. Oxycodone: fucking your mind up one day at a time. Nighty night, bitches.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).