To start us off, here's a subject that gives you a funny feeling in your genitals... FIRINGS~! It's official; King Booker and Queen Sharmell shalt entertaineth us no longer. Unless they show up at TNA as Bookerton, Duke of Houstonicus and the Grand Duchess Sharmell. Mr. and Mrs. T have removed all WWE logos and links as well as booking information from his website. He has also been telling some indie feds that he will be available to talk bookings in thirty days. Daivari has also been granted his release, which he actually requested. I don't blame him, either; it was either leaving or "Creative has nothing for you"-ing himself into the loving breasts of Big Daddy V over at ECW. You tell me which sounds better.
Since I mentioned ECW, the third-rate brand could possibly be merging with Smackdown soon. Though it's one of the highest-rated programs on Sci-Fi, the network isn't committed to renewing ECW's TV deal when it expires in December. It might be renewed under extremely (hiyo!) favorable terms to USA/Sci-Fi/Universal. WWE.com announced that a kayfabe meeting between Armando Estrada and Vickie Guerrero over a possible brand merger took place on the 16th. This might just be a last resort to improve ECW's ratings, which haven't been great since... the second-ever edition of ECW on Sci-Fi when everyone realized just how awful the new vision of ECW would be compared to the old-school ECW, I guess. Honestly, I see this as good news; no ECW on Sci-Fi is a good ECW on Sci-Fi. Bring it on~!
This year, we were saved from the shitfest that would have been a Jackass-related Summer Slam main event. Unfortunately, come January, we might not be safe after all. There have been talks of starting the angle at the Royal Rumble. Dear God, some people will just not accept that some of the shit they think up is just that; shit. Wouldn't this have been better news if the Jackass guys were still... oh, I don't know... relevant? If they want buyrates so badly, why not invite Paris Hilton for a Hell in a Cell against the entire Raw locker room? Hell, I'll even give them a witty little tag line: "Paris has never taken on this many men at once~!" Sure, she probably already has, but no one ever complained about the "first-ever" You Can't See Me match turning out to be a one-sided blindfold match, a match type that's been seen numerous times. Oh, they did? I'll be damned.
Speaking of shit, if you've ever compared TNA to a dying WCW Monday Nitro, here's some fuel to add to that fire. TNA is apparently considering bringing in former WCW World Heavyweight Champion...
...David Arquette. David. Arquette. DAVID GOD DAMNED ARQUETTE. If that isn't bad enough, Arquette actually called Johnny Fairplay about managing him. TNA is doing a damn good job at driving fans away, I'll give them that. Any TNA mark who even dares to defend Arquette's potential TNA run may kindly drown in a lake of acid. What can Arquette possibly do for TNA? You tell me if this'll up the ratings: "On his way to the ring, the star of such cinematic pieces of art as Ready to Rumble, See Spot Run, Eight Legged Freaks, and The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D... DAVID ARQUETTE~!" All together now: "No."
This past Sunday, TNA's Bound for Glory was bound for... um... softened boners! During the first-ever TNA Women's Championship match, Amazing Kong was double-teamed and thrown over the top rope, thus flipping her Xena-esque top upward and exposing her giant, Big Daddy V-like breasts to the arena crowd, the viewing audience at home, and every satellite in outer space. I'm serious; those titties nearly slapped her in the damn face they flopped up so damn fast. Sure, it isn't newsworthy; I just wanted to gross everyone out with the following animated GIF:
Karen Angle, who has been quoted recently as saying she'd wrestle for TNA if asked, apparently made a spectacle of herself at Spike TV's 9/25 party thrown for TNA in celebration of the first two-hour Impact taping. Whatever she did, it removed some of the luster over the Angles amongst many people within TNA. Wow. God knows what kind of show she put on at that party...
Karen: GIMME TWELVE GODZILLION VODKAAAAA... ZZZAH~!
Kurt: Karen, you've already had sixteen bottles.
Karen: DON'T'CHUUUU WANT SOMEBODY TO LOOOOVE?!
Dixie Carter: That is one fucked up bitch, y'all.
Also happening at this party was Adam "Pacman" Jones "making it rain" five-hundred $1 bills. It's called tact, you fuck; you're making those sucker-punched strippers cry. Speaking of Jones, I hope he's gone by now; his deal was supposed to expire after Bound for Glory. Thanks for absolutely nothing, Pacman. Ron "The Truth" Killings teamed with some guy named Consequences Creed at the PPV in a team that will be known as "Truth and Consequences." Ooh, clever... I think.
Since I mentioned the Angles, there seems to be some sort of power struggle between Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett & Dutch Mantel. Many within the company believe Angle is attempting to obtain complete power, considering Angle's openly talked about running TNA in previous interviews. Those in Angle's camp, who are mostly in favor of logical, old-school booking and having Jim Cornette take a job as a booker, had talked about confronting Dixie Carter, who is caught in the middle of all this, at Bound for Glory. There's no word on how that confrontation panned out as of this writing. Some people actually, seriously want Vince Russo to gain more booking power. I'll bet one of those guys has a name that starts with "S" and ends in "-ting". Who the hell does Angle think he is, anyway; He-Man? It sure would explain that whole Angle/Triple H/Stephanie McMahon love triangle storyline where H kept alluding to Angle's supposed homosexuality. I wonder who's playing Fisto and Ram Man in Angle's little support group... I digress. Angle must definitely be on some kind of ego trip if he thinks he can just get what he wants. Then again, TNA are definitely quick to accomodate former WWE wrestlers and random celebrities. I'm sure that, by next year, TNA really will stand for Total Nonstop Angle.
While I'm tackling tons of TNA news in one fell swoop, the Gwinnett Arena, host of this year's Bound for Glory, had a sign up this past Sunday that read, "TNA WRASLIN'". Who told Dixie to write the signs herself? Sheesh.
Last, but not least, in the world of TNA, Kevin Nash is returning as a main-event-level wrestler. Hey, it's TNA's loss. If they can't realize by now that Nash is lazy and injury-prone in the ring, let them figure it out for themselves... for the third time. R-'tards.
This week's least interesting news bit goes to Maria Kanellis and CM Punk, who have called it quits on their relationship. FanFiction.net's wrestling fangirls must be crying their damn eyes out. If the Amy Dumas/Matt Hardy break-up is any indication, FF.net readers can look forward to tons upon tons of Maria/Punk break-up stories very soon. Why the fuck am I plugging that damn website?
Virgil never had friends. It wasn't because he smelled funny, or because his name was friggin' Virgil. Since birth, young Virgil suffered from a rare abnormality that made it physically impossible for any living being to approach him. It's true. When Virgil was born, Mrs. Virgil's vagina literally blew open like it was giving birth to an invisible baby grand piano. Doctors were amazed, sickened, and completely baffled. It would take years for Mrs. Virgil's vagina to fully recover, but the stretch marks would always remind her of that tragic day. Once at home, all of Mrs. Virgil's plants died. Virgil had to be placed into a giant bubble like he was John Travolta in order to cancel out his mystifying oddity.
At the age of five, Virgil, sans bubble, attended his first day of school, which also turned out to be his last. Upon lining up to enter the school, the entire Kindergarten class flew backwards and landed on the concrete, sustaining injuries to their ribs, legs, pelvises, necks, and other body parts. Poor kid never even got to learn about primary colors that day. Unfortunately for Virgil, he went back into his bubble and was introduced to home schooling.
Nine years later, Mrs. Virgil decided to give public schooling another shot. By high school, bubble-bound Virgil earned the nickname "Virgin", due to his inability to keep a girl in bed longer than .6 nanoseconds. Frustrated by this, Virgil finally sought the help of Dr. Quackenfuck, a world-renowned doctor to those suffering from abnormal conditions, like Ballchinitis (a rare, but serious condition which was shamelessly lampooned on an episode of South Park). Virgil was eventually diagnosed with Luzehr (pronounced loo-zurr) Syndrome, which could be treated, but not cured. While Virgil was one of very few, Dr. Quackenfuck would later see this rare anomaly on such patients as Carrot Top (who can't have more than twelve people attend his "comedy" shows), wannabe rapper Kevin Federline, and pro-wrestler Triple H, who uses this ailment to his advantage by becoming literally untouchable during important wrestling matches. Comedienne Sarah Silverman was thought to have Luzehr Syndrome, but it turns out that she's just completely unfunny and no one likes her.
After months of treatment, Virgil could finally enjoy a semi-normal life. He decided to take on a career in professional wrestling, and debuted for the then-WWF as the bodyguard of "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase. DiBiase would often put Virgil's Luzehr sob story to the test by having several high-profile wrestlers beat the crap out of Virgil repeatedly. Surprisingly, Virgil actually took several successful beatings. Eventually, Virgil would go on to win DiBiase's Million Dollar Belt, which honestly had no value to it. After leaving WWF for WCW in 1996, Virgil, now known as Vincent, would again get the shit beat out of him on a weekly basis as his nWo teammates ran away in fear. He'd continue to receive beatings until 2000, when he left WCW. Wrestling fans, unfortunately, don't remember Virgil's pro-wrestling career today.
Eventually, Virgil retired from the wrestling world after his Luzehr Syndrome symptoms returned. Cut to 2005 at the San Diego Comic Convention. Toting himself as a "wrestling superstar", Virgil set up an autograph signing table in the upstairs area of the convention center. For twenty bucks a pop, fans could own their very own Virgil autographs! While many, many (as many as 6,000) people stampeded to the table to get their things signed, all of them flew backwards upon approaching the "superstar". A photo of the carnage was quickly snapped by a dying fan.
So, where is Virgil now? Nobody knows. Sources say he may be living in a cave somewhere in Tennessee, where no one will ever go near him. Poor guy.
... John Cena: Aren't you going to introduce your segment?
I'll get right on that... ass.
Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Tonight we'll be chatting with former, heh heh, WWE Champion... John Cena. Egh.
Cena: It's great to be here. I'm a big fan.
I'll bet... ass.
So, John, (cough) how'd the surgery go?
Cena: Pretty well, thanks for the concern.
Oh, I'm not concerned at all. I just ask questions and get on with my life.
Cena: Oh... well, thanks for asking... I guess.
Hey, no problem. I'm practically doing you a favor here. Helping you to stay relevant.
Cena: Right... of course.
So, John, you're pretty much the apple of the eyes of millions of horny, teenaged girls and little boys. What are your thoughts on that?
Cena: It's pretty flattering. I mean, I grew up on the mean streets of West Newbury, where nobody cared about me. I'm glad I'm a positive influence in--- where'd you get that violin?
Oh, uh, got it from a pawn shop. I figured you'd get into some big West Newbury sob story, so I thought you'd enjoy some sad background music.
So, your album sales were just about the worst I've ever seen since Milli Vanilli's non-lipsynching effort. How does that make you feel?
Cena: Well, I put my heart and soul into that album, but I guess they can't all be winners.
Clearly. However, your album was just God-awful. What ever possessed you to rap?
Cena: Well, I was part of a West Newbury barbershop quartet. I got kicked out because of my unorthodox bursts of rapping genius.
You tried to rap in a barbershop quartet? I might have heard something about that. Your dad taped that, right?
Cena: ...how'd you know?
I stole the tape from your home, and I've laughed at it many times.
Cena: WHAT?! You're not going to play it and humiliate me in front of your viewing audience, thus killing my credibility forever... are you?!
I was just going to make a few jokes at your expense... BUT I LIKE YOUR IDEA SO MUCH MORE. Roll the tape, bitches!
[Setting: outside Fade to Black Barbershop, where the Barbershop Babyfaces are singing contently.]
Babyface 1: You are my
Babyface 2: My only
Cena: Yo, the sun be shinin' like fire, I gots my desires, hell naw it ain't queer, this be like my career, just gimme a few years, I'll be porkin' fifty bitches like THE CHAMP IS HERE~!
Babyface 2: YOU ALWAYS DO THAT!
Babyface 3: Rap! The Barbershop Babyfaces don't rap, John!
Cena: Says who, yo?
Babyface 1: All of us! Every barbershop quartet ever!
Cena: Man, that's bull!
Babyface 1: No, you're bull! You can't even make decent rhymes! And WHAT is with that Vanilla Ice haircut?
[Cena hangs his head in shame.]
Babyface 1: You're out of the group, dude.
HAHAHA! That's classic stuff right there!
Cena: I can't... believe you played that... I hadn't even perfected my rap craft...
Sadly, you still haven't. So, John, what about the Five Moves of Doom?
The only wrestling moves you know. Your matches are embarrassingly predictable, and many people boo you for it.
Cena: I wasn't even aware---
You weren't? Jesus, your matches really stink up the place! I mean, I've caught most of your WWE career on TV, and for you to still suck after years of wrestling is just mindboggling!
Cena: I don't suck! I DON'T SUCK~! WWE banned like, every move I know! They're about to ban the hip toss, God damn it! If they ban the shoulder block, I'm FUCKED!
Oh, don't make excuses. Ass.
Cena: Okay, have you got a personal vendetta against me or something?
Me? Of course not, John! Now, let's talk about The Marine. Good Lord, if there's ever been a film to be nominated to win every Razzie ever made, this one's it!
Cena: Are you kidding me? The Condemned was way worse!
I might agree with you for once there, but your lack of emotion in The Marine was just atrocious. You're a lazy bastard, aren't you?
Cena: You hate me, don't you?
I don't hate you.
Cena: Admit it. You flat-out hate me.
I don't hate you, John.
Cena: You're lying right to my face!
Alright, alright. I hate you. I loathe you. I despise you. You're almost like the bane of my existence. Your championship runs are hard to stomach. I'd rather tweak the nipples of Amazing Kong's giant breasts for six straight hours than watch you win that belt again. There, happy?
So, back to your lack of Marine emotion. Are you some kind of robot cyborg, like Linda McMahon? Actually, don't answer that. Let's play a game. I'm going to name a few tragic situations, and you're going to show everyone at home your reactions.
Cena: This is so stupid.
Just play along.
Your dad just died.
Cena (with a dead straight face): Oh God... oh, God, no...
You've just lost all your money and have to seek out the assistance of Ric Flair Finance.
Cena (still with a straight face): Jesus Christ, what did I ever do to deserve that?
Wow. You're clearly a bad actor. Look, here's some advice: next time you want to act pissed for the cameras, remember that I have video evidence of your rapping failure.
Cena: Wow, you're actually giving me advice?
It's not like I care about you. Sheesh. By the way, since I knew this interview would be completely anticlimactic, get ready for this.
Cena: For what?
Out of nowhere, Charlie Haas flies out and missile dropkicks Cena the fuck out of the studio.
Lilian Garcia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Your check's in the mail, Charlie! That's all for Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week for an interview with the man... the legend... Don West? Aww, fuck.
And that was your second Deadface for this week! Questions, comments, and other assorted randomness may be sent towards my e-mail inbox or MySpace. Make sure to check out all of this week's updates: Charley Martin's TNA IMPACT RANT, my last edition of DEADFACE WALKING!, Cameron Burge's RAW RANT, and Sean Carless's 2004 Retro Rant for TABOO TUESDAY 2004. Now get to reading!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).