Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum


DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/20/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, TWF's mecca of news you have read elsewhere and interviews that never happened! One of my main gripes about my own columns since I began writing them in March is exactly that: my main feature is news you have read elsewhere. I've been thinking that perhaps I should introduce a new segment (yeah, again). All week long, I've been thinking and thinking and thinking and... well, you get the point, about what this mysterious new segment should be. Needless to say, I haven't a clue. THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN, RANDOM PERSON~! That's right, I'm letting YOU, John (and Jane?) Shitballs, decide what Deadface Walking's new segment will be! I know; you must feel really, really important right now. Yeah, so, just e-mail me with your ideas, and when I stumble upon the best one, you'll be reading hilarity not created by me as soon as next week... or weeks! It's that simple, so fucking get to it... uh, please and thank you. The winner (or winners, if I decide to add an extra segment because I can't decide between two) will win... uh... my eternal gratitude, and maybe a website/MySpace plug... and... the pride that comes with knowing that you helped me out. Chances are I won't get any ideas in my inbox at all, so I'll keep thinking of shit myself as well. Yup. Oh, right, I have a column to get to. Let's begin!

I'd like to start things off with a moronic quote. This one comes from [Not My] WWE Women's Champion, Candice Michelle. Here, she talks about her new theme music:

"I am going to show you guys who I really am, and to start that off, you may be wondering where my new entrance theme came from!?! I have been a huge fan of house music, and my favorite house DJs are Scooter and Lavelle! I wasn't feeling like myself when I was coming out to my old song, so WWE gave me the privilege of having Scooter and Lavelle remix, "What is Love?" I love it!! The energy, the beats and builds, and downright craziness! I wanna be fired-up when I come down to that ring to defend my title, and this song will bring me there. I had a special part added, “raise your hands up, raise your hands up,” because I want everyone to feel it! Don't be shy; raise your hands up and get out of your seat, because the shell has been broken!"

Hey, Candice is right. This song is so energetic and fan participation-friendly! So much so, in fact, that I actually RAISED MY HANDS UP... and cupped them to my ears in an attempt to drown out the noise. I actually GOT OUT OF MY SEAT... and quickly found refuge on the next channel. It seems like the live fans are following the song's instructions as well, and GETTING OUT OF THEIR SEATS to stampede over to the bathrooms and concession stands. Thanks, Candice, Scooter, and Lavelle, for providing us with shitty house music to "bounce" to. Christ...

When interviewed by Bryan Alvarez, former WCW star Vampiro revealed that he is now working for the Mexican government. Waaaaaait a minute; isn't this guy Canadian? Yeah, he told Alvarez that he's in charge of three police academies, and president of the Mexican Chapter of New York City's Guardian Angels. If that's not enough for you, he's also finished recording a new album with his band, which should see a 2008 release, and he's involved in the pre-production of a show that will be distributed internationally. Please, Vampiro, be modest. Next week, Vampiro will be running a 26-mile marathon, discovering cold fusion, founding his own city, announcing his candidacy for 2008's U.S. presidential election, pole-vaulting over a skyscraper, and teaching a cat to write college essays. What a guy, ladies and gentlemen. What a guy.

In an obvious attempt to make themselves look good, WWE is willing to pay for drug rehabilitation for all former WWE stars who wish to get help. The mere thought of our favorite '80s and '90s superstars sitting in a circle and introducing themselves with "Hi, my name is [WARRIAH~! or whatever] and I'm addicted to [drug]" would be worth that monumental loss of money alone. Just where the hell will they be getting all that money? They should look no further than Ric Flair Finance , because with Ric in your corner, you're sure to win. Hey, I didn't come up with that cheesetastic slogan; it's on the site. If I were Ric, I'd use "To be the man, you've got to diversify your bonds, nigga ~!" Unless the Wu-Tang Clan's got a copyright on that shit. Speaking of Ric Flair, I can't believe this guy, a guy who owed (probably still owes) the IRS over a million dollars, had to pay Ms. Ex-Wife 2005 $20,000 a month until their divorce was finalized, and had $200,000 of his wages garnished in 2005, has the balls to start a financial management company (AND flaunt his shiny, sequined bathrobes on what's supposed to be a BUSINESS site)! That's like Big Daddy V-Cups starting a weight loss program, or building a school and naming it "Robert Feinstein Elementary"; it just doesn't make any sense! Hey, wasn't I talking about WWF has-beens in rehab? Wow, talk about changing the subject.

While we're on the subject of things that don't make sense, former NWA wrestler Ricky Morton was arrested again last week, while at his mom's house, for being $64,900 behind on child support payments to his first wife, among other things. Poor Ricky; and I thought Livin' La Vida Loca would keep him financially set for life. What? That was Ricky MARTIN? Oh. I knew that. RickyMorton.net is attempting to raise $2,000 (the key word there is 'attempting') in legal fees by selling DVDs, autographed photos and personal phone calls. What ever happened to, you know, having a job? That thing where you bust your ass in a place of employment to get a sum of cash that keeps you from ending up like that bum that asked you for chump change this morning? Seeing as I have no pity for deadbeat fathers, I definitely won't be sending a cracked nickel his way. Raise it your damn self, you mullet-rocking, hippie douchebag.

Last Monday night, Randy Orton further assured everyone that he hates his fans. After being asked for a quick photo at a Green Bay, Wisconsin bar by WWE fan Shaun Poff and a friend, Orton proceeded to take Poff's friend's camera upstairs to a private area (but not before smugly saying "Everyone wants a quick picture..."), and throw it down to the bar. Luckily for the two, someone managed to catch it before it shattered into a million pieces, and returned it. Upon realizing that the camera's SIM card was missing, and police were called in. The officers questioned Orton and told him to give Poff's friend $100 to cover the expense of the SIM card. The sneaky Orton left the bar right after he was questioned, and had to be pulled over by the officers to get the $100. In true Ortony fashion, the $100 bill came with a personalized autograph; "To Dipshit". A real class act, that Orton. Then again, with all these first-person accounts detailing how much of an assbag Orton is, why do people continue to ask him for pictures and autographs? Ignore the son of a bitch! Trust me; as time passes, it'll be worthwhile to see Randy sitting at a meet-and-greet with tumbleweeds blowing by his table a la Virgil. Well-deserved and fucking hilarious.

Next month at Bound For Glory, TNA will be crowning their first-ever TNA Women's Champion! Oh, thank you, God. Ten women will compete in a gauntlet match; five of these women are most likely Christy Hemme, Gail Kim, Traci Brooks, Jackie Moore and Roxxi Laveaux. The other five are "five girls you don't know" (but have definitely heard of if you don't live under a rock), likely to be Talia Madison, Shelly "Ariel" Martinez (both of whom, according to DeclarationOfIndependents.com, are 100% confirmed to appear), Angel Williams, ODB and international women's wrestler Amazing Kong. Other names being tossed around are April Hunter, Sarah Stock (Dark Angel from Mexico's CMLL), and So Cal Val. This match will serve as somewhat of a try-out match for the five unsigned women, with the girls who put on the best performances possibly being offered contracts. In my opinion, this match has definitely got potential - that is, if it isn't turned into a big, gimmicky "girls aren't as good as guys, so take off those shirts" match (Condom on a Pole match, anyone?). I like the fact that TNA didn't scour the earth for fresh-off-WWE talent (with the exception of Shelly, who never really got to wrestle in ECW anyway, and former WWE developmental wrestler Angel Williams). I might actually order the show for this. Maybe.

A fan fell from a walking ramp and died after WWE's Smackdown/ECW tapings on Tuesday in Atlanta, Georgia. I normally don't report deaths, since it's not in my nature to make fun of the dead. Actually, that's a lie; I do have to crack a joke or two sometimes... most of the time... That being said, I hope this guy's name isn't Owen. Besides that, the Smackdown Curse lives on, and it's attacking everyone now... THAT MEANS YOU AND ME, TOO. Throw away your replica World Championship titles! Throw away your Mark Henry action figures! For the love of God, hide under your beds and pray for the best! Fuck the Boogeyman; the Smackdown Curse is comin' to get'cha!

This week's least interesting news bit goes to Punjab Translator Guy, who doesn't want to work a full-time WWE road schedule. Don't worry, dude; I don't want you to either. It must be a real bitch working with a real-life incarnation of the Jolly Green Giant, anyway. At least we all got to learn that the Great Khali has no charisma no matter what language his jibber-jabber's being translated into. And now, let's move on to an all-English, no-bullshit segment:


Thanks for joining me for this week's edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Without any further ado, I'd like to introduce two men who probably celebrate Halloween every single day, James Mitchell and TNA newcomer Judas Mesias! Thanks for taking the time to sit down and answer a few of my nonsensical questions, guys.

Mitchell: Bwahahahaha!
Mesias: Bwahahahaha, pendeja!
Mitchell: Bwahahahaha!

...yeah. So, Judas, you made quite the big entrance last week on iMPACT. I've gotta say, however, I certainly do remember The Undertaker emerging from under the ring while smoke poured out of the hole a while ago. Come to think of it, you've even got purple gloves like Undertaker used to. What gives?

Mesias: I spit on The Undertaker!

Undertaker would beat your ass for saying that.

Mitchell: Come on, kid, TNA wrestlers aren't supposed to acknowledge WWE's presence unless they were fired from there. It's the company policy.

Right, my bad. So, Judas here is supposed to be your son or something? Who's his mom, Jennifer Lopez?

Mitchell: Excuse me?

Oh, come on. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that Judas here is Puerto Rican. Mommy was a ring rat, wasn't she?

Mesias: Wrong! She is Rosie Perez!
Mitchell: Oh, dear fuck...

Ew, Mitchell. Just... ew.

Mitchell: Aww, come on! I was lonely!

Lonely and stupid, Mitchell. Don't you know that sandwich baggies don't make good condoms?

Mitchell: I did not use a sandwich bag.

Sure.

Mitchell: Okay, I used a sandwich bag.

I thought so. Mrs. Abyss will not be happy about this. Let's talk about your seldom-talked-about karaoke career.

Mitchell: Let's not.

How bad is your singing voice, anyway?

Mitchell: Well, I wouldn't say it's bad...

Admit it; you sound like a dying giraffe. On top of that, people are easily freaked out by your eyebrows and never walk into the bars when you're there. Admit it!

Mitchell: No!

Admiiiiiiiiiiiiit iiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Mitchell: Never!
Mesias: Just admit it so we can get out of here faster!
Mitchell: Judas, I am so disowning you.
Mesias: But... Papi... where am I supposed to go?
Mitchell: Go back to Mexico!
Mesias: You racist fuck, I'm not Mexican!

What the hell is this, Jerry Springer? Pull yourselves together!

Mitchell: Fuck you! I'm getting the hell out of here! Tryin' to shit-talk my mad crazy karaoke skillz~!

...so... Judas... looks like it's just you and me.

Judas: I will drink your blood and skin you like an animal!

Holy hell. Uh... that's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week for a crazy interview with the Legend Killer himself, Randy Orton! I need to get out of--- OH MY GOD, DON'T EAT ME!!!

Thank you for reading this edition of Deadface Walking! All feedback may be sent to either my e-mail address or MySpace. Now, I've got some college homework to get to, so why don't you head on over to the main page and have a laugh at all the great updates of the week? I've been Catherine Perez, and remember: no asking for Randy Orton's picture. And remember to send in some new segment ideas in! Toodles!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).