Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
 
DEADFACE WALKING!: (09/06/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to Deadface Walking, back after a week of laziness! I'm Catherine Perez, the only straight woman who feels like throttling children when Jeff Hardy makes his entrance in any arena. I've been pretty upset this week after a huge mishap with my hair. See, my hair was green, and horribly untame, kind of like a Carrot Top freakshow. After getting some relaxer on that shit, a lot of my hair fell out, and I'm now left with a mess of short, really short, and mid-length straight, faded-green/blonde and brown hair. The only thing that's managed to cheer me up is the lawn mower disaster currently on Carlito's head. Thank you, Carlito, for making my hair look god-like in comparison to yours. Oh, calm down; I know you don't give a rat's ass about my hair. Now let's get on with the show, starting with some news about someone that I (and every WWE fan across the globe) couldn't give a rat's ass about.

It looks like Hardcore Holly might not be returning to WWE television. Following elbow surgery and a rehab stint, Holly was sent down to OVW (not the greatest place for Holly to be sent to, considering all the young future stars around...). WWE had plans to have Holly and Eugene form an "odd couple" tag team managed by, amazingly, a monkey. Yes, a monkey. Any word on that tag team probably being called C.L.I.T.? Holly has told WWE officials that he has no feeling from his elbow to his hand, and his injury is thus considered career threatening. I don't want to be the one to say it, but... hey, karma's a bitch, Bob. Yeah. Let it be known that beating young men within an inch of their lives to teach them that they can't always trust their opponent will result in the end of your once-perpetual struggle to make it to the top of a wrestling company. Yeah, I know that this injury comes from Holly busting his ass for over a decade to try to entertain the fans; get off my ass about it.

Since we're on the subject of careers ending, let's talk about my favorite Deadface topic: FIRINGS and SUSPENSIONS~! Thanks to this whole steroid scandal sparked by GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED's actions, and after receiving a list of wrestlers that have been customers of clinics connected with Florida-based Signature Pharmacy, there have been 11 suspensions and 4 firings, as of this writing, within WWE. While the names of those suspended haven't been released, the IWC is slowly trying to figure out the who's who. There is, however, a list that ESPN has put out that lists some of the pharmacy's clients, including:

- Funaki (whaaaat?!)
- Batista (like no one saw that one coming)
- Edge (hey, how else would he have gotten a World Title run? AM I RIGHT?)
- Chris Masters (who appears to be the mysterious 60-day suspendee)
- John "Bore-ison" Morrison (who may be one of the suspended judging from his title loss)
- Shane "Not Hurricane" Helms (I doubt he's using them for cosmetic purposes)
- Randy Orton (is anyone really surprised at this point?)
- Charlie Haas ("NOTICE MEEEEE!")
- Santino Marella (who cares?)
- William Regal (NO! Not the guy who's made Raw slightly more enjoyable for me!)
- Ken Kennedy (don't go to his official site's message board; lots of childish "debating" going on)
- Chavo Guerrero (didn't Eddie's situation teach him anything?)

Those who have been fired are Mike "Simon Dean" Bucci and Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore. Well somebody's gotta be WWE's scapegoat! Tommy Dreamer will be replacing Bucci as interim... whatever the hell Bucci did backstage, while WWE finds a full-time replacement. A surprised Dinsmore was escorted out of the building after a backstage talent meeting (a sight that must've been hilarious). Dinsmore's name actually wasn't on the list of Signature Pharmacy clients, but it is believed that his release was due to a violation of the Wellness Policy. If I remember correctly, though, this would only be the guy's second violation, which should only result in a 60-day suspension. Meh, who cares? Eugene's finally off my TV, and that's all I wanted. Damn TNA to Hell if they try to get him on their roster... Speaking of TNA, Andrew "Not Test" Martin is officially done with TNA, seeing as he never signed a contract. Thank God for small miracles.

This next firing story actually needed its own paragraph. Cryme Tyme, one of the most over tag teams in the last year or so, have also been given their walking papers. There is a story going around saying that there was an incident of some sort involving the team and Cade & Murdoch over the weekend. Apparently, during the Cryme Tyme/Cade & Murdoch match at a house show in Terra Haute, Indiana, the match came to an end after a fast count-out finish even though JTG had made it back to the ring in time. Prior to the match, and with increasing heat between Cryme Tyme and Cade & Murdoch, Shad Gaspard had told Lance Cade that, "whatever happens in the ring tonight happens," implying that some stiff punches would be thrown. Taking it as a threat, Cade & Murdoch got the referee in on a SWERVE~!, which led to the ref fast-counting JTG to a count-out finish. Cryme Tyme then "attacked" the referee (keep in mind that while it wasn't planned, they weren't shooting on him) and removed his belt to auction it off to the audience. Basically, Shad and JTG were released for being mostly in character. Again: what the fuck? Shouldn't Cade & Murdoch have gotten kicked to the curb for royally fucking up a match that people paid to see? Well, nobody would pay to see those two, but I'm trying to make a point here. Yeah. Meanwhile, Randy Orton hasn't been suspended, miracle of miracles... Oh yeah, there is speculation that more releases are coming. I can't wait to see how this shit pans out in the next few weeks.

After seeing his name upon the aforementioned list, Batista is filing a civil lawsuit seeking damages. Ol' Teest is upset about Sports Illustrated and other media networks reporting his name. While most (or just some) would say "Good for you, Teest! You defend your good name!", I (and probably some others) can only say, "Dumbass, way to make yourself look like you've got something to hide!" When asked for comment, Batista said, "I see that ESPN has my name on their list. Come this Sunday... I'll be needing it back." Well, no he didn't. Anyway, Batista claims that there is no connection between him and the pharmacies. Oh yeah? Then why's his name on the fuckin' list to begin with? Duh. Actually, there are now reports of several names on the list being believed to be inaccurate. Interesting... I'll be pretty disappointed if Teest's name is really inaccurately listed. For the record, this steroids scandal is entertaining me far more than any Raw broadcast has in the last three years.

WWE have recently been contacting Chris Jericho, trying to get him to return to the company. Oh, thank God. I'm sure that there's a lot of people who'd like to see Jericho come back to WWE already. Or is it just me? Dun dun dunnnn! Nah, I know you fuckers love yourselves some Y2J. Admit it.

King Book-aw and Queen Sharmell are looking to renew their wedding vows! Awwwww. Yes, they are looking to renew their vows during the upcoming Raw tour in South Africa. Oh, God. Book-aw has chosen to 'get back to his roots' by having his wife and himself take part in a traditional
Zulu Ceremony. This ceremony will be taking place at the homestead of Mayor Obed Mlaba (don't even ask me how to pronounce that) near the Valley of a Thousand Hills. The Zulu Royal Family and top city officials will be attending. I just need to know one thing. Will Booker Bear be making a rare appearance? God, I hope so.

As of last Monday, Kip James has been getting some major heat from TNA management after loudly airing his grievances about TNA wasting money on Pacman Jones and not pushing any of the TNA talent. Leave it to the bastard who would gladly return to WWE as Slappy the Ass-Slapping Bisexual Clown to be the voice of TNA's disgruntled stars (that being everyone who isn't a WWE cast-off). Good for Kip; he may bore me to the point of comtemplating suicide, but it's about time that someone lets TNA management know that nobody gives a damn about Pacman Jones.

"Stone Cold" Steve Austin gave a speech to the WWE talent at SummerSlam the shitty summer pay-per-view show that rubbed a lot of people the wrong way (which turns out to be towards the left - who knew? And that was my bad attempt at Dane Cook-esque comedy. Pretend you never read this.). Austin addressed his opinion that the WWE stars all dressed like slobs in public, and need to present themselves as professionals. It's pro-wrestling, damn it, not Microsoft. Austin went on to say that WWE has no superstars, and it's time for someone to step up. Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't see John Cena as a superstar. Austin proceeded to tell the story of how he came up with his own gimmick and became one of WWE's top guys. Silly Austin; if you were still The Ringmaster in today's WWE product, you'd get a pink slip faster than you can do so much as suggest a new gimmick. One wrestler (whom I will call Hardcore Holly for anonymity purposes) said that Austin is out of touch with what wrestler currently make in salary and what the conditions of the WWE environment are. Other stars (whom I will also call Hardcore Holly, Hardcore Holly, and Hardcore Holly - again, for anonymity purposes) were shocked that Stone Cold has become a puppet for Vince McMahon. They also feel that Austin was acting that way because he is dealing with the guilt of The Condemned flopping harder than, uh, any other WWE Films production. Austin should know that it's not his fault; hell, the best actor in Hollywood today couldn't save that movie from sucking ass. For God's sake, it's a WWE movie. They do bad enough with the storylines on their shows. By the way, yes, I do know that Hardcore Holly most likely wasn't even at SummerSlam; I only named him to amuse myself.

Speaking of Pacman, on top of TNA giving him a Winnebago to use as a dressing room, that asshole's making $25,000 for every appearance he makes in TNA. He's literally on-camera for 3 to 6 minutes per show. I'd love to make that kind of money just for standing around and spray-painting people's backs. Dude is practically stealing money out of everyone else's pockets. TNA bought a Winnebago for fuck's sake; that already tells me what kind of money they have. Why waste it all on some guy who isn't even spiking their ratings? Get the hell off my TV and go back to suckerpunching strippers, douchebag.



After many IWC members celebrated Mark Henry's imminent departure from WWE, the party has been cut short. It looks like the Silverback's going to be "entertaining" us for a little while more. Please, take a minute to wipe your tears and restore your room to pre-destroyed status. Yeah, so, Henry's signed a contract renewal. Apparently, he was made an offer that he couldn't refuse:

Vince: Okay. This is my final offer. $250,000 a year... and first dibs on all the catering.
Mark: Hot damn, son~! Consider that contract signed!

No word on how long before Henry finally leaves, but what I do know is that you should all look forward to more fucking bear hugs.

After reports of Samoa Joe allegedly telling people that he would rather accept an entry-level WWE contract than resign with TNA surfaced, Joe only has one thing to say: "Buuuuuuuuuullshit, Are you crazy?" Well, he said a lot more than that, but I can't be bothered to post the entire damn message. Feel free to read his statement from MySpace
HERE. I'm just glad that Joe (probably) won't be going to WWE; we don't need another guy getting a stereotypical "uneducated Samoan savage" gimmick. Then again, he could be covering something up... hm? HMMMM?! Yeah. By the way, since Joe doesn't mind rumors about himself that make him look like a total bad-ass, THIS JUST IN: Samoa Joe has just given Vince Russo AND Dutch Mantel six consecutive back-handed bitchslaps EACH! JOE! JOE! JOE! JOE!

Sick and tired of John Cena hogging the spotlight? Well, are you in luck! Cena's been telling people that he has a script for some new WWE Films production that will begin filming in the fall. Thankfully, the script isn't for a Marine sequel (which probably would've been named "The Marine 2: Marine Harder"). If or, hopefully, when this whole not-sequel comes around, it's obvious that Cena will have to spend some time away from WWE--- that is, if he doesn't want to face a very grueling schedule. Don't stress yourself, Cena; I'm sure Raw will go on smoothly without you for about four (or more... please, God, let it be more) shows. Take your time. Seriously.

On top of Kurt Angle completely taking over TNA programming, he's helping TNA bring in more WWE cast-offs to the company. That son of a bitch. TNA has supposedly offered Brock Lesnar a six-figure, part-time deal. Oh, great; TNA's been needing some useless hosses to plow over their homegrown talent (...waaaaait a minute...) Angle's also trying to get former WWE diva Vito into TNA. Give Angle one more year with this bullshit, and we'll finally know what it's like to watch WWE sans money.

This week's least important news bit goes to Chris Cage (not Christian), a former WWE developmental talent who was released a while ago due to a Wellness Policy issue. Cage returned to OVW, attempting to score himself a new deal. At first he was scheduled to work an extra taping as an extra, but was then escorted from the building. It is believed that WWE aren't interested in anyone who had been released previously due to Wellness issues. On the other hand, they're pretty interested in Johnny Stamboli, whose name was published in government documents as being linked to a drug ring that was under investigation. Good going, WWE. Now let's move on to a segment that doesn't have the words "Wellness" and "Policy" in it:



Today I'm sitting down with a trio of girls who have proven that no matter how big their titties are, their uselessness is unparalleled. Ladies and gentlemen, the trifecta from Hell... the EXTREME EXPOSÉ GIRLS~!

Kelly: Like, omigah. It's like, truly an honor to like, be here.
Brooke: Totally.
Layla: Totally.

Yeah. Now, it's no secret that I despise the three of you, so let's try to get this interview over with as quickly as humanly possible. Let's start with you, Kelly. Kelly, you first danced into the hearts of ECW viewers in June of 2006. Since then, you have caused more heart attacks than can be accounted for - and we both know that's not in a good way. What's your deal?

Kelly: I like, take my profession seriously, you know? Like, not every girl can like, dance for huge crowds and look like a professional, like, you know?
Brooke: Totally.
Layla: Totally.

Kelly, all you do is dance. Poorly, might I add. From what I've seen, you can barely keep up with Brooke and Layla. Now, Layla, after winning last year's Slut Hunt-- er, Diva Search, you've done absolutely nothing. How do you feel about that?

Layla: Well, like, it's been a long, hard dick... I mean road... and, like... at least I'm not dancing at some strip club, right?
Brooke: Layla's like, come a long way. She's like, someone I totally look up to when I need like, guidance and stuff. Totally.

Kelly: Totally.

Fascinating. Brooke... who the hell are you? I'd never even heard of you until I changed the channel to Sci-Fi in hopes of catching a Ghost Hunters marathon, or at least the cancellation of ECW. Where did you come from?

Brooke: Like, duh. I come from where every useless diva like, comes from. Under Johnny Ace's desk!

Ah, yes, of course. Ol' Johnny let another one escape, and here you are... the least cared-about diva since Kelly and Layla. I don't even have statistics for that; but you can take that as a fact anyway.

Brooke: Like... if this were like, a chat room, I'd totally frowny-face you right now. Totally.
Layla: Totally.
Kelly: Tota---

ENOUGH WITH THE TOTALLY. GAWD, I hate you no-talent whores! GET THE HELL OFF MY SET. Actually, don't; I haven't finished ripping you bitches new assholes. Then again, that'd make a third asshole for you three, what with you getting porked by Johnny Ace to get your jobs. Tell me I'm wrong, Whore Trio!

Kelly: Like, you're pretty good. Are you like, psychic or something?

No, Kelly. I'm merely using dumb blonde stereotypes on the three of you despite the fact that two of you aren't blonde. You could say that I only really despise you, Kelly. Yeah. I'll bet you want to cry now.

Kelly: Oh gosh, no way. If I like, cry, my mascara will like, totally run. I'll look like, hideous!

You look like a beaver. You're dating Test, for fuck's sake. You're going to make horribly ugly horse-beaver hybrid children. Your daughters won't be able to remove their bras, and your sons will administer impromptu Big Boots to any and every unsuspecting person they go near. Those beaver bastards will probably all be intellectually slow, and damn you and your boyfriend to Hell if I have to pay for their special-ed homeschooling WITH MY HARD-EARNED TAX DOLLARS! You bitches can get off my set now. Go back to polishing Ace's knob.

Brooke: Like, we did that before we got here.

Ah, so that's why the set's starting to smell like shrimp fried rice and piss. Let's go, single file yourselves off my set, and keep your mouths and twats closed!

Kelly: BITCH~!

Whoa, come on, I don't want to pass out from the dick scent. That's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Join me next week when I sit down for a one-on-one interview with the recently fired EUGENE! Here's a preview:

Eugene: Vince paid me in Cheetos!

Thank you for reading this super-rushed edition of Deadface Walking! My apologies for the lack of news outside of the steroid scandal. Actually, if anyone needs to apologize, it's ALL THOSE WRESTLERS WHO LET US DOWN~! Nah, I'm kidding; I don't even care much about whether wrestlers 'roid themselves up or not. Anyway, feel free to send me feedback via e-mail or
MySpace. Also, do the rest of the TWF staff a favor and check out British Bullfrog's TNA iMPACT RANT, Stephen Bailey's CREATIVE TEAM SHOWCASE, JOE MERRICK GETTING HIS WALKING PAPERS, Cameron Burge's RAW RANT, and Gershon Levy's ECW RANT. Now get the fuck outta here~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).