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DEADFACE WALKING!: (08/24/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome back to the only column that glows under a black light, Deadface Walking! I'm Catherine Perez, your hostess and a rainbow-haired warrior that doesn't act like she's been swimming in cocaine for six consecutive weeks (Hardy fans, feel free to send your hate mail to the e-mail address listed at the end of this column). This week was a hard week to collect news from, but I think I did a fairly good job of gathering all the following stuff for your reading pleasure. With that said... let's start the show:

As a cost-cutting measure, WWE is no longer placing name plates on their championship belts. Ah, yes, that's what's wasting WWE's money! Christ, these dumb, dumb people. I can very easily think of dozens of people that should be kicked to the curb as a cost-cutting measure so that we can keep the damn name plates, but I'll just name ten (it's a magical number, don'tchaknow):

1.) Mark Henry
2.) Big Fat Oily Guy
3.) Deuce
4.) Domino
5.) Mike Mizanin
6.) Whoever thought hiring Mike Mizanin would be a good idea
7.) Kelly Kelly
8.) Brooke
9.) Layla El, living proof that the Diva Search is a waste of life
10.) Johnny Ace, for hiring most of these people in the first place

With all this cost-cutting, WWE will have enough money to make those name plates out of diamonds. Oh, and there will even be money left over to hire a whole new plethora of useless fitness models with no respect for the wrestling business who are looking for a stepping stone towards becoming the next Playboy cover girl. Then WWE can try to get rid of those snap buttons on the belts, you know, to save money. No one really WEARS those belts anymore anyway.

Well, lookie here! WWE.com has revealed the eight finalists in this year's nontelevised (thank you, Lord) Diva Search! This year's potential dead weights are:

"Codename: C.L.E.A.V.A.G.E." Taryn Terrell from Mandeville, LA
"FemBot" Naomi Kirk from Los Angeles, CA
"Last Thing We Need Is Another" Brooke Gilbertsen from San Diego, CA
Lena "Yada Yada" Yada from Los Angeles, CA
Eve "Affirmative Action" Torres from Los Angeles, CA (Don't worry, I'm Puerto Rican)
Jessica "Eyes Off The Mole And Check Out My Snatch" Hatch from Houston, TX
J. "First Names Are So, Like, Five Minutes Ago" Kim from Catawba, NC
"WonderBra Enthusiast" Lyndy Frieson from Vancouver, BC

Instead of pretaping their crappy segments and editing them into WWE programming like it was first announced, most of this season's competition (if you can call it that) will be conducted on WWE.com. Thank God. For those who care, the first competition video will be posted on September 3rd, and voting begins on the 10th. Good to know that they were generous enough to give us all a seven-day bereavement period; I'll definitely need every minute to mourn the loss of my ability to give a fuck, which left this world during Diva Search '04.

Despite Dixie Carter's claims of TNA having a wonderful drug testing program, former TNA star Matt Bentley (also known as Michael Shane, Martyr, and Shawn Michaels's cousin/nephew) has recently stated on a Florida-based radio show called Between the Ropes that he had never been tested for drugs during his TNA tenure, nor does he know of anyone in the company who has. Ooh, busted! Bentley further verbally ripped TNA a new asshole -- much like Hardcore Holly secretly does to WWE when he's miserable and on the phone with Dave Scherer -- by describing the morale of the TNA roster as poor (at an all-time low, according to reports), citing the lack of morale as coming from him and others working so hard for the company, only to have TNA bring in a bunch of WWE names (and disgraced celebrities) to leapfrog them all for a larger spot on their roster. He also commented that these names, who are "supposed to be big stars", are brought in to the company to spike ratings, but the ratings never rise. HEY~! I NOTICED THAT TOO! Who'dathunkit. Bentley also described TNA as a place that was once fun to work in, but it has since changed after TNA started airing so many gag segments instead of having wrestlers go out and work hard in the ring. Wow, all this and I still manage to watch TNA weekly? What the hell is wrong with me? When Dutch Mantel's name was brought up, Bentley blamed him for the fact that Serotonin never really took off as far as being over goes. Mantel hated the gimmick and wanted nothing to do with it. Well, thanks a lot, asshole; now that Bentley's gone I'll probably never see Raven or his frightening bald spot again (if Raven ever just so happens to read this someday... I only jest, don't sue me like Hogan did to Vince Russo after the "bald" comment). Anyway, Bentley then said of Mantel, "That guy needs to be fired. The only way to kick Jeff [Jarrett] in the ass is to kick Dutch in the back of the head." On a final note, Bentley was pretty upset with the fact that TNA didn't bother to thank him for everything he's done for the company or wish him well in future endeavors, but instead just told him he was finished with the company. The bastards. Despite all of this, one TNA performer said of Bentley, "You have to put it in perspective. This is a guy who wanted $2,500 a shot." Oh yeah; thanks to this Negative Nancy, TNA has told their talent that they aren't allowed to take part in any interviews unless Steven Godfrey or Ross Forman of public relations accompanied them. Good going, guys; rather than make adjustments to your product to make your employees happy, you're just going to clamp down on their right to air their grievances. Classy stuff. TNA! TNA! TNA!

To follow up Bentley's comment on TNA bringing in supposedly big stars, TNA is currently in negotiations with Brock Lesnar. That gas tank in Brock's private jet won't fill itself up, damn it! Now that Brock's fully recovered from his failed football career and the ultimate feeling of rejection thanks in part to "Antichrist" Vincent Kennedy McMahon, it's time for him to jump to TNA and plow over half the roster, win their top championship title, dance to a little bit of Mariachi music, fuck Sable for the umpteenth time, become one of the "biggest" stars in the company thanks to a great effort from the TNA staff in shoving him down the throats of all TNA fans, and abruptly bid the company adieu at their biggest PPV of the year in favor of a... I don't know, a baseball career, thus sending TNA spiraling into a vast abyss of chaos for a few weeks. You know, something along those lines. I'm thinking this whole Hire Lesnar campaign is the main culprit in having so many TNA stars get released from their contracts. Why watch Jerry Lynn beat some ass and do a damn good job of it despite his age when you can have THE NEXT BIG THING~!~!~! repeatedly knock the wind out of a bunch of nobod-- I mean, X Division stars, week in and week out? Thank you, TNA, for always having your fans' best interests in mind. Besides, if Hard Justice was any indication, "Give fans what WWE won't" isn't part of their game plan anymore. Once again: TNA! TNA! TNA!

Everyone's favorite former WWE Diva, Vito, was backstage at Hard Justice, where he was said to be "surgically attached" to Vince Russo's hip throughout the night. With Vito and Russo being friends since the early 1990s, it wouldn't come as a surprise to see Vito get himself a job at TNA. Also, Vito has revealed that he is dating - GASP - a woman! Not only that, but he's dating actress Marissa Tomei. I'm assuming that Marissa hasn't seen
this yet. I'm also willing to assume that Marissa is missing quite a few panties and dresses right about now. Yeah. Moving on.

Good ol' J.R. has hinted at something so vile, so atrocious, so saddening that I dare not repeat it... but for the sake of attempting to have a good edition of Deadface this week, I will. Straight from J.R.'s blog:

"The WWE Film "The Marine" did well especially on DVD and perhaps over achieved in the watchful eye of "Hollywood" (not Hogan but the community). Sequels are tough nuts to crack so Marine 2 might be a challenge but my man John Wayne did make "True Grit" and followed it up with "Rooster Cogburn."

Dear God, J.R., don't scare people like that! Last thing I need is a stroke. Speaking of scary Cena-related things, this is the perfect chance to segue onto...

As of his DQ win over Snitsky this past Monday, John Cena's win/loss record so far this year stands at 100/15. I think that, at this point in time, all odds are in his favor. Stop purchasing WWE shows just to watch Cena overcome insurmountable odds, WWE fans. Believe me, they're surmountable. Very, very surmountable. If WWE wants to book a Cena match that'll have me wondering who's winning, book him against a fucking bear, a rhinoceros, a shark, fucking Mo'Nique! Here's to hoping that Cena loses this Sunday (which, for once, I'm sure he will for obvious reasons... ::cough::Vince probably wants the belt on Triple H soon::cough::).

Rejoice, Stevie fans! "Infrequently Dancing" Stevie Richards will be frequently dancing once more! That's right, bitches, Stevie wasn't just winning matches against wannabe vampire Kevin Thorn because Vince Helsing (clever shit, ain't it?) hates Thorn, THIS GUY IS ACTUALLY GETTING A PUSH~! Why is he getting one? Apparently, Stevie's gotten himself several good reviews from WWE road agents, and has, shockingly, always been high on the McMahons' list of well-liked stars. Always? If Stevie's a prime example of how Vince treats his favorites, it would definitely suck to be part of this most prestigious list. Either way, congratulations to Stevie, because Lord knows his push is way overdue. Sure, it totally goes against practically becoming the Invisible Man just to avoid getting fired, but this is probably the last push the poor guy will ever get for the rest of his WWE career. Then again, if Stevie's ever fired, there's always TNA; they'll treat him like a god there (and quite frankly, amidst so many boring "main eventers" currently running amok there, so will I).

Three title defenses. One night. Many annoyed fans. If you haven't heard yet, Kurt Angle will be defending lots of fucking belts at TNA's next PPV, No Surrender[ing These Thirty Dollars from My Wallet]. Who's the genius that thought putting every belt on Angle would draw ratings and buyrates? I'd like to meet that asshole. No joke here; I just want to beat the crap out of the guy for attempting to sabotage the TNA product.

The latest WWE Magazine issue features an interview with Broke Brooke of Extreme Exposé. She states that, "I would love to do Playboy. I want to be the girl every woman wants to be, and the girl every man wants, kind of like a brunette version of Sable." Thanks for letting us all know your true intentions for wasting everyone's time on ECW, Brooke. Glad you could be so honest. Brooke also lets us know that she's training in Florida with the likes of Nattie Neidhart, Dr. Tom Prichard, and Steve Keirn. I don't think they teach dance classes down in FCW, darling. Brooke says that she'd drop the Extreme Exposé gig in a heartbeat if she was allowed to have a more physical role on the show. Be careful what you wish for, Brooke; you might be given the gimmick of Vince's bastard baby's mama, and then I'd have to stop watching WWE altogether.

Want a crazy motherfucker at your son's bar mitzvah? Thinking of having some deranged foreign guy show up at your local nursing home to tell jokes to your grandma? Need a psychotic human being who constantly butchers the english language at your senior prom for no reason whatsoever? WELL, ARE YOU IN LUCK~! The Iron Sheik is now available for company parties, club parties, and birthday parties... and other stuff. You read that right. By booking him through SheikShow.com, YOU can have Sheik attend your child's 5th birthday party, wish your boss a happy retirement, or show up at the club to publicly call out that asshole that's been slagging you every night by calling him or her a "FAHKEENG PEES A SHET". I'll probably be booking him for my college graduation ceremony.

RANT TIME: After stating that alcohol, pill, and steroid use is out of control in WWE despite the fact that she hasn't been employed there for years and thus is talking out of her ass, Debra Marshall's reaction to her so-called friend Brian "Crush" Adams's death, as seen on Inside Edition, was "Oh my God, another wrestler has died." No, not "OH MY GOD, NOT BRIAN, ANYONE BUT BRIAN, WAAAAA!!!" Debra needs to stop trying to use all these recent tragedies as a means to further her own selfish agenda and kindly fuck off. I'm absolutely sick of seeing her all over the news channels complaining about how Steve Austin beat the shit out of her, trying to get pity out of everyone, when her appearance doesn't even have anything to do with her! "Yeah, Crush was my friend, but is it not getting through your head yet? My ex-husband BEAT ME~!!!!" Fuck off, annoying bitch. That is all.

Surprise, surprise. There is actually heat on Andrew "Not Test" Martin due to his snooty "I'm a big WWE star" attitude. Yes, already. Here's a little something TNA's wrestlers can say that'll bring Martin back down to earth: "You were never a big WWE star, I'd rather watch '1 Night in Chyna' than your last WWE run,and you look like the result of a group of street rats raping a pony. Get over yourself." I guarantee it'll work.

This week's least important news bit goes to Matt Hardy, who seems like he just can't get over getting dumped by Amy "Lita" Dumas... and all those rebound girlfriends he's had since being dumped. My friend, Katy (you know, that girl that I mention quite a lot), has pointed out to me that, as of this writing, if you go over to Matt's MySpace page, Sean Kingston's song "Beautiful Girls" will play. With lyrics like, "Damn all these beautiful girls // They only wanna do your dirt // They'll have you suicidal, suicidal // When they say it's over", it's quite obvious that Matt's emo phase has yet to pass. Though in a recent interview with BetweenTheRopes.com, when asked about the whole Edge and Lita thing, Matt commented that he was "way past that" Sure, Matt, sure. This is barely news, I know, but that's why I'm reporting this dead last.

And now, a segment that's so emo, it cuts other emo kids' wrists...



Welcome to Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Now, without any further ado, because I want to get this potentially dangerous interview over with... VINCE. "SWERVE". RUSSO~!

Russo: Uh, my nickname isn't Swerve.

It might as well be. So, Vince... Beaver Cleavage, Mark Henry dating a tranny, David Arquette, a WCW luchador Piñata on a Pole match, Hugh G. Rection... What do you have to say for yourself?

Russo: As a man of faith, allow me to kindly say FUCK Y--

Wait, I'm not done. Lobbying to have a Monday Night RAW broadcast completely wrestling-free, the institutionalization of Ric Flair in WCW, exploiting Road Warrior Hawk's drug and alcohol problems in a very controversial and shitty storyline, Miss Hancock and David Flair's wed--

Russo: Oh, come on! That wasn't all just me! Ed Ferrara helped with some!
Ferrara: Pfft, fuck you. I'm very comfortable with you catching all the shit for these storylines.

Yeah, what he said. Mr. Russo... can I call you Dick? You know, Dick, I've got a fairly long list of things you've done in your career that have pissed off many a wrestling fan. That being said, allow me to continue: putting the WCW title on Jeff Jarrett about 15 times, putting WCW's top drawing wrestler, Goldberg, on the shelf by having him punch through a car window, attempting to put the WCW title on Tank fucking Abbott, booking yourself as WCW Champion, Oklahoma, Mae Young giving birth to a damn hand, th--

Russo: It was good television! Fans don't want to see wrestling! They want to be entertained! Wrestling isn't entertaining!

You dumb son of a bitch. If I wanted to watch old, saggy-breasted women giving birth, I'd watch Baby Story on the Learning Channel. If I wanted to witness a self-righteous asshole talk on and on and on, I'd watch one of your shoot interview videos.

Russo: This isn't fair! You said you were going to be unbiased for this interview!

Consider yourself swerved. So, you actually once said that the WCW title was meaningless, though I'd have to agree since you once put the fucker on David freakin' Arquette, and argued that the Nitro Girls were a more valued asset. I'm surprised that you didn't make the WCW champions wear half-naked women around their waists. What's your take on this?

Russo: I am not answering more of your questions.

Huh. I knew this would happen, Vinnie. Because of this, I put together a video of every wrestler you've ever fucked over sending you some heart-warming words for thought. Take it away, truck monkeys!

On the video first is Goldberg.

Goldberg:
FUCK YOU, RUSSO. YOU RUINED MY CAREER!
Catherine, off-camera: You asshole, you plowed over the whole WCW roster at least fifty-five times!
Goldberg: Oh. Okay. Thanks, Vince!
Catherine: Get off the camera, idiot!

Road Wannabe Puke:
I AM NOT A DRUG DEALER!!!

David Arquette:
Meh, it's not like Ready to Rumble was a COMPLETE failure.
Catherine, off-camera: Yes, it was.
Arquette: Oh. Well... RUSSO SUCKS!

Tank Abbott (dancing along to some 3 Count music):
DO YOU WANT THE BEST?!
Everyone on Earth: No.
Abbott: ...

Judy Bagwell... on a pole:
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!
Tony Schiavone: Hey, wait a minute! THAT'S NOT A POLE, LOLZ~!

The entire TNA X Division:
FUCK YOU RUSSO! (Clap, clap, clapclapclap) FUCK YOU RUSSO! (Clap, clap, clapclapclap)

King Book-ah:
Vincent may sucketh, but I'm STILL a FIVE-TIME, FIVE-TIME, FIVE-TIME, FIVE-TIME, FIVE-TIME, FIVE-TIME DUH CEE DUH CHAMPION!
Queen Sharmell: That was six, my lord.
Book-ah: Don't ever correct me, bitch.

Billy Kidman:
Viagra on a Pole match... need I say more?

Raven:
Quote the Raven, "Vince Russo is a buffoon."

The credits finally roll on the video, with a badly-sung rendition of the chorus to Kelis's
"Caught Out There" as sung by Hulk Hogan plays.

Yeah, there you go. You suck. You know it, I know it, and--

Russo (crying): You're so heartless!

Thanks. Well, while Vince here sobs uncontrollably over the fact that he blows, this is Catherine, and on behalf of Vince Russo and many, many disgruntled former employees, goodnight!

Thank you for taking the time to read all this nonsensical crap. I'm sure that, since I didn't proofread this because I was rushing through this whole thing at the last minute, all feedback and jokes about my bad habit of forgetting words and word endings like -ing in sentences may be sent via that link at the end of this column or through
MySpace. Remember to head on over to the main page and check out all the great updates from this week, because I currently am too lazy to link it all here for your convenience. Ta-ta, dahlings~!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).