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DEADFACE WALKING!: (08/17/07)
By Catherine Perez

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome, bitches, to the column that wouldn't give Ah-Santino Marellahhh any lovin' if he were the last stereotypical Italian with a shitty frohawk on Earth, Deadface Walking! I am Catherine Perez, your hostess (not this) and the woman who will be rocking your collective tits off with the first Deadface that's written with 20/20 vision. Yes, I shelled out $100 for contact lenses, and while you don't care, I'm going to pretend you do! First off, I'd like to apologize for the late update; I would go into a big explanation, but I'm lazy enough as it is.

Let's start off with a subject that warms the heart, FIRINGS... and other super random releases! Sylvain Grenier, a man who seemingly had a job for the rest of Pat Patterson's life, has been given his pink slip. It's not like Grenier was useful to WWE, but... what will happen to all those oh-so-HILARIOUS Patterson/Grenier gay sex jokes? Bring Sylvain back, guys; Pat's penis suffers from separation anxiety! And guess who's gone from TNA? All in one fell swoop, Matt Bentley, Brother Runt, Jerry Lynn, Damaja (Danny Basham) and [Doug] Basham have been released from their contracts, with the option to be booked on a per-show basis. I for one could care less about Runt and the Not-Bashams, but I will be sad to see Bentley and Lynn go if they do, in fact, leave TNA. Lynn easily had the 2nd best song in TNA (#1 goes to the old LAX theme from before Konnan and his kidney were released), and he still had some great matches left in the tank. Bentley, well... I like Serotonin. Sure, they lost just about every match ever, but seeing Serotonin means that I see Johnny Devine... and RAVEN, and that's all I really wanted from them. Now if Raven would work on that hideous bald spot, I wouldn't have to feel the sorrow that comes with seeing my favorite wrestling star look like the demon spawn of trashy grunge skank Courtney Love and "Tangerine" Hulk Hogan (more on that guy later).

Two weeks ago, I jokingly made a reference to NFL pro-baller Ray Lewis joining up with TNA and making up half of a murderous tag team with O.J. Simpson. Amazingly, TNA actually reached out to Lewis in an attempt to get him to join TNA, but the Baltimore Ravens wouldn't sign off on it. What the hell is wrong with these guys? Having murderers on your roster isn't exactly going to cause a spike in ratings. Besides, look at how well that went for WWE. Am I right or what? Well, at least TNA decided to back off the murder thing a tad by getting a guy who supposedly punched the titties off of a stripper after an attempt to "make it rain on them hoes" (you know, raining money, like in the rap videos), and threatened to kill some guy. His retardation led to a triple shooting, but what does Dixie Carter care, right? Anything for ratings, bitch~! Oh, by the way, TNA iMPACMAN drew a 1.0 rating. Sorry, Dixie.

Alan Wojcik, a TNA iMPACT recap reporter, was told that he couldn't bring his laptop to any more TNA events. He could, however, bring a Blackberry, but as Wojcik said, "Sorry folks, but there will be no Blackberry buying for me." TNA is attempting to come down on spoilers spreading on the 'net. TNA also banned photographer Matt Roseboom from taking pictures at the iMPACT tapings a few months ago. Wojcik will not be attending TNA shows in the future. Looks like it's time for a new TNA slogan. "TNA: Watch our shows and buy our merch, you fucking swine."

WWE has yet to see a cracked nickel for their three failed films (failed by REAL movie standards), See No Evil, The Marine and The Condemned. Is anyone really surprised by this? Is WWE going to continue to bring embarrassment to the film industry? YES! Aside from the rumored trainwreck that will be Jornada Del Muerto, there are rumblings of
Triple H possibly playing the part of Dr. Donald Blake, a partially disabled (Triple H in a wheelchair? YES!) medical student who finds that his alter-ego is the Norse god of thunder, Thor, in Marvel Comics' next comic-to-film adaptation. Okay, so this most likely won't be a WWE Films production, but come on, it's Triple H... in both films! That's double the Triple - HHHHHH (which, coincidentally, is also the sound that someone with asthma might make)! Only one good thing can come of this: Triple H becomes a huge Hollywood star and leaves pro-wrestling behind. Marvel Comics... MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Evander Holyfield will be boxing Matt Hardy this Saturday on Saturday Night's Main Event. What a coincidence; I'll be boxing the crippling condition known as
ennui this Saturday during Saturday Night's Main Event! Unfunny? You bet your ass it is! With Holyfield being an experienced boxer, chances are that the odds are against Hardy and his legions of emo fangirls. Don't worry, Hardy; just bite the guy's ear off and the match will be over before anyone can say "REFUND!"

Spike TV doesn't care about black people (except for Pacman Jones)! Well, not really, but it seems that they don't care too much about TNA. A Gerweck.net reporter recently contacted Spike TV and asked why TNA wasn't prominently featured in Spike's September line-up. Spike TV had no comment, surprisingly. They did, however, say that there should be no reason as to why TNA wouldn't remain on the fall line-up, but sometimes things change. Spike TV refused to answer any more questions after that. With a previous history of screwing wrestling promotions over, is it any wonder that Spike's not too concerned with TNA? Where's
Cyrus when you don't need him? Then again, TNA are almost 100% certain that they're getting an extra hour of air time soon, so... what the hell is really going on?

Readers, meet Hulk "Orange Leather" Hogan. Despite practically having the WWE handed to him on a silver platter, Hogan refuses to give back when it really counts (as can be seen in 2005's Hogan/Michaels feud). In the UK newspaper The Sun, Hogan claimed that if he started up a wrestling promotion, it would be bigger than WWE. Please, take a minute to let your undying laughter subside. Now, it's been established that Hogan is a huge egomaniac (on his and Michaels's SummerSlam match: "It's about me. This is my time. I've always been the man. I don't mean to sound pompous, but it's true." Nevermind the fact that Shawn single-handedly put that feud over, Hulk.), but to think that his wrestling promotion, which will undoubtedly feature tons of old, retired wrestlers (all his friends, of course), will do better than WWE is like saying that Heroes of Wrestling was a really good show - it's just completely laughable. With Hogan practically being the Grand Wizard of backstage politics, just who the hell would want to work for him? The only coup de grace here is that, when Hogan's promotion fails miserably and he loses $100 million (he's already raised $40 million or so, and that's £20 million for you UK readers), TheWrestlingFan's staff and readers will all have one more thing to laugh at. Hell, I could be proved wrong here, but I'm not counting on it.

WWE have finally released the buyrate information for June's One Night Stand show, which they were probably withholding out of embarrassment. The show, which was pure shit, - and don't you dare disagree out of your love for the company - did 115,000 domestic buys and 186,000 overall, which is just dismal compared to last year's 304,000 buys. This is the second lowest domestically drawing PPV event for WWE since 1996, though not as bad as the visual Holocaust that was December to Dismember, which had about 90,000 buys. These are numbers that TNA dream of having, by the way.

In a move that confirmed everyone's suspicions (or at least my own), Andrew "Totally Not Test" Martin posted a blog on his MySpace page where he defended the usage of steroids in pro-wrestling. That blog has been since removed; I know this because I was going to link it, but the bitch deleted it. Anyway, he compared steroid usage to a facelift or botox. He does go on to say that it is wrong for athletes in other sports to use them because steroids give them a "competitive edge". He then managed to shimmy in a cheap TNA plug and a small shot at WWE with "Don't forget to watch TNA at 9pm eastern time on spike, you will be pleasantly surprised to see how far this company has grown and will continue to do so or you could always watch the same guys I watched when I was a kid doing the same boring story lines. TNA TNA TNA????" I love that "TNA????" stuff, as if he's confused as to which company he's wrestling for. Silly Andrew.

Like omfg~!1 WWE hired, like, twins! Yes, the Garcia twins (no relation to Lilian Garcia or her lesser-known, hippie-esque yet stuck-in-the-late-'80s sister, Dalia) have been signed to a developmental contract and are now... "training"... in Florida Championship Wrestling. Here's the official sort of press release from the twins:

"Hi everyone we are The Garcia Twins. We were born in San Diego, CA and raised in Scottsdale, AZ. Soccer was our life until college and that is when we started modeling, acting, and doing promotional work. We are now with the WWE,

Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment

, we are here in Tampa, FL with the FCW training to be on t.v. as Divas. Make sure to check us out in this month's WWE Summer Slam."


Oh, thank God, they're joining the WWWE, not the WWE. Phew! I'm sure the WWWE will benefit from having not one, but two non-wrestling dead weights parading around in skimpy outfits for the benefit of no one but their owner, uh, Mince McLamb, for WWE are stuffed to the rafters with this so very common species. Unfortunately, they really are joining WWE, and will be shoved down our throats as early as Summer Slam. Son of a bitch. I think I'll just come out and say it: I hate WWE Divas.

Many wrestlers, most likely all non-heavyweights, began to panic after the thought of TNA straying from X Division and focusing all their time and money on the Heavyweight division, much like WWE does, entered their minds. TNA has assured everyone that it won't happen, but it's quite obvious that it already has. Kurt Angle has ALL of TNA's belts, for fuck's sake! The show has literally become Total Nonstop Angle. TNA also told everyone that the X Division still has a big place in TNA and that they will get their spotlight again as soon as TNA gets those two hours. Oh, if only guys like Jay Lethal ran TNA. I really can't see TNA surviving as long as Vince Russo and Dutch Mantel have anything to do with it. I'm sure that, when TNA gets two hours, one million TNA fans will be subjected to numerous dumbass stipulation matches, more Kurt Angle, less X Division, more "celebrity" cameos that no one cares about, more WWE rejects, less of anyone who was in TNA since it began, and just more shit overall. The problem isn't that there isn't an extra hour, the problem is the God-awful storylines and booking. These guys need to get off their asses, throw Russo and Mantel straight into the front of the unemployment line, and fix the fucking show before TNA goes under. For the love of God, TNA, don't make me have to tune in to ECW to get an extra hour of wrestling every week! JOHN MORRISON CAUSES EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. Ahem. Moving on.

In an update from last week's least important news bit on Lacey Von Erich, it looks like Lacey has removed her enthusiastic "following in Daddy's footsteps" blog from MySpace. Good to see that she has taken my advice and decided against being the next casualty of the "Von Erich Curse".

This week's least important news bit goes to Team 3D, who will not be resigning with TNA. Brother Devon has publicly stated that he would like to return to WWE with or without Brother Ray. Good God, dude - that is cold! Honestly, though, does anyone really give a damn about the Dudleys' TNA run? These guys practically made history when they won the NWA World Tag Team titles, but that was hugely overlooked... by their own company and fans! Perhaps another WWE run will be good for them. There's no doubt in my mind that they will first be thrown into ECW, and they'll realize just what the hell they got themselves into. Have fun contributing to the anal raping of ECW's legacy, guys.

And now, here's a segment that won't anally rape ECW, you, nor your mother:



As promised, I've got a special double interview with two B- and C-show stars! Ladies and gentlemen, to my left I've got Smackdown General Manager and fiancé of the young-enough-to-be-his-daughter Kristal Marshall, Theodore Long! To my right, and hiding in the shadows of this studio, is ECW wrestler and a vampire so boring that Anne Rice wouldn't write a book about him, Kevin Thorn! I'm so glad you guys could make it to this interview.

Long: No problem, playa! Glad to be here.
Thorn: Make this quick, woman. I'm in dire need of a mascara touch-up.

Right. So, let's start with you, Teddy. You're engaged to be married to Kristal, and everyone on the WWE roster seems to be supporting you two. I have to know: aren't you just a little bit concerned with being about twice that woman's age?

Long: Age ain't nothin' but a numbuh, playa!
Thorn: I am over 1,500 years old.

Sure you are, Nosferatu. Teddy, how does it feel to be the General Manager of a brand that is seen as number two to wrestling fans all over the world?

Long: Well, playa, we may not be number one, but--

No, no. I meant that Smackdown is seen as shit.

Thorn: Everyone knows that the shit brand is ECW.

Good point, Lestat.

Thorn: It's Kevin.

That's what I said. So, Count, I loved you in Sesame Street. Would you please count to ten for me?

Thorn: Okay, now you're just being a bitch.

I'm told I'm very good at that. Teddy, as you should know, I don't watch Smackdown. It bores me to tears. What are your plans for helping me enjoy the show?

Long: Are you implyin' that I should try to bring the quality of Smackdown up to your standards only?

Yeah, just about. I mean, Smackdown got the shit end of the stick with that draft lottery, and who the hell wants to see a Batista/Khali feud?

Long: Tell you what, playa. If you don't like the way I run my show, then tonight... you can get in the ring and face... THE UNDAH-TAKAH!!!

A huge, sell-out crowd begins to cheer wildly.

Undertaker (from somewhere in Death Valley): Son of a bitch, I only JUST started my 10th vacation.

...where'd those cheers come from?

Thorn: Beats me...

That was creepy. Anyway, Count Chocula, I've always loved your cereal. Will you sign my cereal box?



Thorn: THAT DOES IT! FUCK YOU, I'M GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE! AND I AM SO BLOGGING ABOUT YOU IN MY CASTLEVANIA RPG LIVEJOURNAL COMMUNITY. BITCH.

Thorn storms off the set, leaving poor Teddy all alone to face a barrage of stupid questions.

It's not that I really thought the guy was Count freakin' Chocula, Teddy. The guy smells like Satan's asshole after a nice garlic-filled dinner. I could smell chocolate on him too, the fat bastard.

Long: After havin' the Boogeyman on my show for months, playa, I'm glad I don't have any more crazy-ass people on my roster. Actually, there are leprechaun midgets, greasers, hillbillies, a wannabe biker and Michael Cole. Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with my show?

Hey, it's okay, Teddy! If it makes you feel better, at least Johnny friggin' Nitro isn't your World Heavyweight Champion.

Long: Hm. Good point, Catherine. I like the way you think. How would you like to replace Vickie Guerrero as my new Assistant General Manager?

Are you kidding?! That would be so... lame. You don't even make matches, you ass; you're an on-air authority figure. The only reason you're still on the payroll is because you're supposedly real popular at house shows. I'm out of here.

Teddy quickly becomes the only person in the studio. Suddenly, his cell phone begins to ring.

Long: Ooh! That must be Kristal. Lawd, I can't wait to see what that girl looks like in her birthday suit!

He then wanders off the set, thus ending this week's interview.

Random voice-over guy: Check back next week for more Hey Man, Nice Shoot goodness, as Catherine will be sitting down with Satan himself, Vince... Russo!

Many thanks for reading this edition of Deadface Walking! Now why don't you head over to the front page and check out this week's great updates, like Martin Ferguson's
SOUR 25, a SHOCKING~! BREAKING NEWZ REPORT by the always truthful and not-at-all heartless or tasteless Sean Carless, Cameron Burge's RAW RANT, Stephen Bailey's WWE CREATIVE TEAM SHOWCASE, and a double dose of Justin Shapiro with his RETRO HEAT and a hilarious parody of a biased Ken Kennedy blog, called RABID WOLVERINES... I mean, RABID ANIMALS USED TO DESCRIBE A GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED. YEAH! Good morning, good afternoon and nighty night, bitches!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).