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DEADFACE WALKING!: (08/09/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Welcome, wrestling fans, to the illegitimate child of wrestling-related columns, Deadface Walking! I, as always, am Catherine Perez, and this week I follow Monday Night Raw's example and hit the "RESET" button on this column... only to give you the same shit as always! YEAH!!! Unfortunately, William Regal will not be on hand to provide comedic relief, but a fake interview with Hardcore Holly is! Now let's get this bitch started.

Let's begin with a RANT: Believe it or not, the head honchos over at TNA would have rather had Rikishi over Andrew "Not Test" Martin. Nevermind making offers to, say, young and talented wrestlers who would kill to make names for themselves on national television. Nevermind hiring guys like Human Tornado, or women like Daffney/Lucy (there's two people who can wrestle and entertain), to keep the company from looking like a poor man's WCW, like many people claim. Nope, keep giving us some of those stale-as-hell former WWE midcarders, please and thank you! While they're at it, they can try to get Red Rooster back in the ring as Purple Chicken; we'd all love that, right? Believe me, I'm a big TNA fan (please take the time to remove the shocked expression from your face), but hiring former WWE employees for the sole purpose of name value is not the way to go. I don't know if I reported this already, but I actually read a rumor saying that TNA want Dustin Runnels to get as close to the Goldust character as humanly possible, without receiving a lawsuit from WWE; this character, unbelievably, will be named Platinum. PLATINUM!!! TNA is also interested in bringing in Matt Morgan (who has probably already been signed), Nidia, A-Train, and Shelly Martinez. I'm all for more female wrestlers; TNA could use a women's division that is more credible than WWE's, but... A-Train?! Matt Morgan?! What is the appeal in snagging ex-WWE midcarders and pushing them to the moon? In all honesty, I don't mind wrestlers like Christian Cage and Kurt Angle in TNA; I always look forward to their promos, and their matches don't disappoint when it really counts. However, I am sick of seeing the same WWE midcard-caliber match-ups every single week. It's just very hard to take guys like Morgan seriously when their claims to fame are what they did for WWE (which wasn't much, in my opinion). Then again, maybe some of these potential acquisitions will be worth our while, but I'm not holding my breath. My only request to TNA is that they take a minute to remember exactly why WCW folded. This is a Napoleon complex if I ever saw one, and they should get their shit together before I have no TNA news to report ever again.

Comedian and former Saturday Night Live cast member Dennis Miller recently made a joke at Vince McMahon's expense on his radio show. "What's the difference between Vince McMahon and Hitler? Some people like Hitler." HIYOOOO~! I'm only reporting this because I started this column off with a rant. Thank goodness for Dennis Miller. Well, if the little square moustache ever comes back in style, we know who'll be sporting one first... that's right - Stephanie McMahon!

Speaking of Stephanie, when I was watching Raw on Monday night, - specifically the segment with Jillian Hall and
Lilian Garcia - I, with the help of a friend, came to a horrific realization. That's right, readers, Stephanie "Disney" McMahon is ready to strike again. Can't you see it?! Lilian's voice is great, Jillian's is not. Jillian is obviously out to get Lilian because she's envious of Lilian's voice...



Jillian STEALS Lilian's voice, which in WWE standards would mean that Jillian will lipsynch to a Lilian track. Lilian is voiceless, yadda yadda yadda. God help us through this storyline, if it ever happens.

Bobby Lashley has "tremendous heat" (though not NUCLEAR~! like CM Punk allegedly once had) amongst those in the Raw locker room. Since he began dating Smackdown dead weight Kristal Marshall, it is being said that Lashley hasn't been the same. Lashley's finally taken a step towards becoming a man, and the Raw guys want to get all pissy about it? Let the man-boy be. It has been reported that Lashley had complained to WWE agents about the way he had been booked in the last month, and supposedly hated the angle where he had to spear John Cena out of nowhere. Yeah, I'd be pissed too if I was booked to be completely indestructible and powerful beyond all belief. Cena ended up OVERCOMING that insurmountable odd and went on to be the focal point of Monday nights as usual, so what is there to complain about? Has Lashley even done a promo in the last month? That's probably why he's mad anyway; anyone who is booked to look just as strong as Cena will eventually have to speak to the crowds. Actually, it was absolutely hilarious to watch Cena verbally tear a new one while Lashley stood there and took it with a tranquil, childlike demeanor. Well, I think that's how it went down. Lord knows I barely pay attention to a Cena segment.

When WWE received the allegedly botched 2.5 rating for Raw, there was panic in Stamford (that sounds like a hell of a movie title). Combined with recent, consecutive 3.4 ratings, those at WWE have come to the realization that there is a problem with their programming. Thank God. Unfortunately, one solution that was thought up was to bring back the Mr. McMahon character. Fuck. The company is examining their storylines and looking for ways to spice them up. Perhaps all the creative team needs is a motivational poster... Seeing as this was first reported before this past Monday, we were all also warned of WWE pushing the proverbial reset button for Raw. Now that it's Thursday, and a rating of 3.8 has come in for Raw (obviously a boost of viewers wondering how Operation: Reset Raw would go, if you ask me), it's obvious that WWE don't have a clue as to what to do yet. That's not to say that some of the things they tried were a total bust, though. William Regal as General Manager definitely spiked my interest, mostly because Jonathan Coachman was the most boring GM in history. The Dating Game segment, while ridiculous, was absolutely hilarious thanks to Regal and Ron Simmons (come on, you know you laughed when he yelled out "...SPAM!"), and the most humorous segment in months. Hopefully, there will be more improvements down the line, especially since Vince is more open than ever in listening to other people's ideas now. See? Miracles do happen... sparingly.

Here's a follow-up to my opening rant! With current storylines only focusing on heavyweights such as Kurt Angle, Sting, Tomko, Scott Steiner and Christian Cage, and talks of phasing out the X Division title, morale is said to be greatly affected amongst the younger talents. The way they see it, they continue to work hard and get rewarded with nothing while random schmoes from WWE get to come in and get strong pushes. Well, if it's any consolation, if they go to WWE, they can work hard and get rewarded with nothing while Triple H, Bobby Lashley and John Cena get strong pushes. Wait... that's just about the same thing. Sorry, guys; can't help you here. Anyway, there have been reports floating around about more and more X Division guys, as well as major names, asking for their releases and getting turned down. On top of that, a lot of the guys have had the fun sucked out of working in TNA, and now treat TNA as just a job. Hey, this calls for a new slogan! "TNA: Crushing the dreams of tomorrow's superstars!" Catchy stuff, ain't it? Oh, and quite a few guys' contracts are set to expire in the next two months. However, that shouldn't be too stressful for TNA once they center their show around an EXCITING Matt Morgan/Rikishi Best of 453,333 Series, should they ever want their viewers to tune out forever. Then again, there must be HUGE ratings coming in once DA PACMAAAAN debuts. More on that... IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.

GET READY FOR TNA iMPACMAN~! Yes, Adam "Pacman" Jones is set to make his debut TONIGHT! TNA has definitely gotten quite a bit of mainstream pluggage because of this acquisition, and, hell, good for them; at least there's one wrestling company out there getting positive news coverage (hey, if it isn't about GUY WHO NEVER EXISTED, it's as positive as it gets these days). TNA's website was COVERED in Pacman plugs this week, and if I never hear "Adam", "Pacman" and "Jones" strung together in one phrase ever again, I'll be very happy. Since Jones can't be bothered to attend training sessions like real aspiring wrestlers do, he will be training in his suburban Nashville home by several TNA stars, including Jeff Jarrett. What a little bitch; my friend Katy freakin' drove from Oklahoma to Kentucky last week just to try out the training process, went back to Oklahoma aching more than Sylvan's asshole on a Friday night, and still managed to go to back to work on Monday. As much as I don't care about this whole situation, I'm glad TNA's getting some exposure out of it. If this crap doesn't boost ratings for at least ONE week, then perhaps the problem isn't TNA's "lack" of star power.

This just in: "Lord Humongous" "[P]Sycho" Sid "Vicious" "Justice" Eudy has a huge ego. On August 4th, Sid stated in an over-the-phone interview with the Ottawa Sun that he wishes to make one last run in WWE. He went on to claim that his return would be "the greatest comeback in not just wrestling, but in sports history". Just to lay your thoughts of "am I nuts or did I really read that?" to rest, Sid also stated that "this business needs me as bad as I need the business". It's more than obvious that Sid needs the business like I need My Chemical Romance to stop making music, like Paris Hilton needs laser eye surgery, or like the lady from the old Pine Sol commercials needs dental work, but does the business really need Sid? Honestly? YES. Since WWE is taking a humorous approach to their segments, having Sid come out and botch the hell out of his own promos will provide more comic relief amongst older WWE fans that remember the stupidity of "I have half the brain that you do". Make it happen, Vince! On second thought; hire Lex Luger and let them both have Carlito's Cabana to themselves. Having them both speak at the same time will probably open up a rift in time and space right inside of one of Carlito's apple baskets, and the entire arena will be sucked in with the most powerful suck since a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Or Kelly Kelly's mouth, since it seems that her new storyline is that she loves Balls. HAHA, this shit's too easy...

And now... the least important news bit of the week! The daughter of the late Kerry Von Erich, and unfortunate
Kelly Kelly look-alike, Lacey Von Erich (real name Lacey Adkisson) has signed a contract with WWE. Oh, girl, I don't think you should do that... I mean, there's coincidences, and then there's someone's way of telling you that perhaps pro-wrestling isn't for the Von Erichs. I'm just saying. Either way, it's now time for a segment that makes Nancy Grace want to whip out a pencil and paper and jot down some notes on good interviewing...



This week, I'm being joined by a man who is hailed the world over for his unparalleled... oh, fuck it. Please welcome... BOB. "HARDCORE". HOLLY!

Holly: Why does this place look like a police interrogation room? Not that... I've been in one before...

Hardcore, it's great to have you here with us. Bob, you've been struggling to make it to the top of WWE since 1993, when you debuted as Sparky Thurman Plugg. We've all come to find that you've been a midcarder for, well, nearly two decades! Bob, with so much unbridled charisma... why are you not the top guy in WWE?

Holly: Catherine, I'm easily the most charismatic guy on the WWE roster today, as you can clearly see from this stunning 8x10 photo:



Clearly, no doubt about it. Bob, after an extensive Google search of "Hardcore" Holly fan sites, that being a search of the first three pages, I had found that such a thing does not, in fact, exist. How does that make you feel?

Holly: You've obviously never been to HardcoreHollyIsTheShit.com.

Who runs that one?

Holly: My contract specifically states that WWE's website making team are required to plant one fan site, dedicated to me, on the internet. It's not like there aren't any other Holly fan sites out there, though; they're just probably all on Geocities or Angelfire.

Because no one would dare spend money on a domain with your name on it, out of fear of losing sixty bucks a year on being a complete loser?

Holly: PEOPLE LOVE ME, OKAY?!

Whoa, calm down! Uh, why don't we take some phone calls? I had a phone line set up for this show just in case you got a little worked up, Bob. The phone number is 1-800-AWW-SHIT. That's A-W-W-S-H-I-T. Figure out what letter corresponds to what number your damn selves; I'll wait...

[After an awkwardly silent minute, there is finally a caller.]

OH, THANK GOD! Caller number one, you're on the line with Hey Man, Nice Shoot and Hardcore Holly!

Caller: Hey Catherine - great show you've got here; you're obviously the coolest interviewer on this side of the hemisphere, and I'm totally not just saying that because you paid me or anything...

Awww, you're too sweet, anonymous caller that I've never met in person.

Caller: Yeah, so, Mr. Holly... I read from Dave Scherer's extremely reliable site once that you get some kind of sadistic pleasure out of beating young wrestlers within an inch of their lives. I've just gotta ask... do you make house calls? I mean, my kids are some overactive little bastards, and--

Holly: Tell you what, caller. For a nominal fee of $76.95, I will travel to your home and beat the shit out of your children. The look on a young man's face after I formally introduce him to my fists gives me a massive fuckin' chubby.

Caller: Did you just say that you get off on the tearful, frightened expression on a five-year-old boys' face?! OH MY GOD. [She then hangs up the phone.]

No, wait! Alex, don't go! I mean... anonymous caller, don't go!

Holly: Hey, I just realized something.

What's that?

Holly: You're young, [He cracks his knuckles.] and you're more over than me.

You can't hit a woman, assface.

Holly: That didn't stop Steve Austin.

Which brings me to my next question. There was a time when Vince attempted to get you over using Stone Cold's no-nonsense, tough son of a bitch gimmick. You basically beat everyone up with weapons, got arrested a few times, cursed in your promos... if the gimmick that got Steve Austin more over than Hulk Hogan ever will be didn't work for you, well, wouldn't the problem be you and your inability to excite crowds?

Holly: I WAS WAY OVER!!!! Vince tells the guys in the truck to mute the crowd reaction when I come out! They're out to get me! THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!!!

What do you mean?! You've been employed for well over a decade, I'm sure you get a hefty sum of cash, and people know who you are! Sure, they don't care, but they KNOW. I get paid $10.84 an hour! I'm paid BI-WEEKLY, for God's sakes! I haven't spent a single cent on myself in three months because I need all the money I can get to help pay a RIDICULOUSLY large rent fee for a piece-of-shit 3-bedroom apartment with faulty electricity! I can't afford a luxurious life like you can, you whiny bitch - so FUCK YOU, BOB HOLLY. FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE!!!

Holly: ...

Wow, I feel way better. Next question: as of this interview, there are currently 124 pieces of Hardcore Holly merchandise up on eBay. With prices ranging from a penny to $29, it's painfully obvious that wrestling fans are dying to do away with your stuff. How does that make you feel?

Holly: Did you set up this interview just to put me down?

Yes, Bob. Yes I did. Let's take another call! Caller, you're on the line with Hey Man, Nice Shoot and this whiny bitch.

Caller: Hey, Bob, it's me - Dave Scherer!

Holly: Oh, shit... uh, I don't know you! Stranger! Stranger!

Scherer: Aww, come on, Bobby! It's Davey! We're goin' golfin' tomorrow afternoon, remember? Hey, I was just typing up my latest hate-filled Triple H rant where I call him a fat moocher, and I was just about to add that thing you told me about H raping some of the guys in the back...

Holly: I never said any of th--

Scherer: Now, were the rape victims Paul London, Jeff Hardy and Shane McMahon? Or was it--

Holly: I DON'T KNOW YOU! HANG UP THE PHONE, YOU FAT FUCK!!!

Scherer: ...our friendship is so over, and not in a smark-talk way. [He hangs up the phone.]

Hunter raped Shane McMahon?! WELL, that's all I needed to hear. That's all for this week's Hey Man, Nice Shoot!

Holly: I DIDN'T SAY A DAMN THING!

Check back next week when I conduct a special DOUBLE INTERVIEW~! with Theodore Long and Kevin Thorn! This one's bound to suck... in a good, non-sexual way!

And that's it for Deadface Walking! In case you forget what to do after reading this, you can send me feedback via e-mail or
MySpace. Then, you can check out all of this week's updates: Sean Carless's Retro Rant of SUMMER SLAM 2004, Cameron Burge's RAW RANT where Vince experiences deja v so vivid that he can HEAR the crowd not caring for a second time, and Gershon Levy's ECW RANT where CM Punk is stuck in a time warp and must battle John Morrison for the right to face John Morrison like the week before - like the week before - like the week before! That's right! I'm Catherine Perez, and Lord, does my hair need a new dye job...

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).