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DEADFACE WALKING!: (08/02/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

In a world where talented wrestlers must take the back seat and let aging douchebag giants reign supreme, only one column dares to rise against such douchebaggery. That column... is not mine - but mine does just as well, damn it! Nonetheless, welcome to another edition of Deadface Walking, where all the unsubstantiated rumors and news bits of the week gather together to be verbally shit-stomped by me, Catherine Perez. Hey, you know what's kuh-razy? I wrote this after I finished writing the rest of this column! HAHAHA. On with the show!

The concern over WWE's drop in ratings has grown to serious proportions, and is now a top priority issue within the company. This Monday's Raw bombed, with a 2.51 cable rating and a 1.99 rating in the 18-34 male demographic, the lowest rating in almost ten years. All I've got to say on this issue is "mellow the fuck out, WWE." Why is this such a big issue? This matter can be easily solved in no time flat. Big Daddy V dons a t-shirt over his wrestling gear, less viewers will feel compelled to change the channel after a fit of absolute horror and disgust. Random crowd members legitimately beat the ever-loving crap out of Mike Mizanin every week; MTV viewers will watch ECW to feel a sense of vindication after having to watch him get drunk and yell at himself on The Real World. Give Triple H a push... over a cliff, and internet fans won't shit all over the product week in and week out. What do you mean Vince doesn't care about the internet fans?! Seriously, though, if WWE's higher-ups are so revered for their smarts, they'll figure this thing out. Then again, they think having John Cena hog the WWE title for several months makes for good television. My own little sister can figure this crap out; why can't they?

In case you haven't gotten the memo, Bobby Lashley has received an injury after a kick to his left shoulder from Mr. Kennedy. Lashley has possibly suffered a rotator cuff tear, says WWE physician Dr. Ferdinand Rios. Well, what can I say? Kennedy's gotta get his title opportunity somehow! Lashley will be undergoing surgery on Tuesday. The usual rehab time for this kind of injury is usually six to eight weeks, but if the injury is more severe, Lashley will be put on the shelf for six months. In the meantime, good ol' Bobby can practice his speaking skills. Please, Bobby, make the effort.

THIS JUST IN: Residents of Hell have been concerned over the astounding drop in temperature over the last two weeks. Sources say that the temperature - a record 45 degrees - can be attributed to the fact that Stevie Richards, yes, "INFREQUENTLY DANCING" STEVIE RICHARDS, has won two matches on ECW on Sci-Fi over Kevin "Not Mordecai" Thorn. This past Monday night, there had been reports of snow in Hell after both Bobby Lashley and John Cena jobbed cleanly to their opponents. There has been talk amongst fans that a possible push might be coming to Richards, a well-deserved move indeed. While this does break the "Stevie Richards must stay in hiding to avoid the pink slip" rule, I, for one, will have to tune into ECW to witness this miracle. Hey, maybe Vince DOES care about the internet fans~! Or not. When asked for a comment, the ruler of Hell, Stephanie McMahon, had this to say: "I don't know what the hell's going on here, but I'm telling my daddy! Stevie Richards will win another match over my dead body!" Stevie Richards (complete with his own referee) then appeared out of thin air, knocked Stephanie out cold with a frying pan, and covered her for the 1-2-3. Miraculous.

And now for a report on TNA's recent signings~! What the hell is all this hoopla about Adam "Pacman" Jones? Some sources say that Jones, who happens to be a straight-up criminal with over ten police-headed interviews and/or arrests within the past 2.5 years, has signed, or will sign, a contract with TNA. Other sources, namely whoever the hell the Titans are (I'm football-retarded, my friends), say that if Jones wrestles, it would violate his contract with the team. TNA want criminals to boost ratings? Over on Gerweck.net, 72% of readers think signing Jones is a bad idea. I wouldn't be surprised if Michael Vick signed a contract and debuted as their new mascot, Woofy the Shit-Stomping Mutt. Hell, let them bring in O.J. Simpson and Ray Lewis to team up as America's Most Wanted 2.0 and compete in a Rifle On A Pole match for the TNA Tag Team titles. Dear god, I don't know what the hell these TNA guys are thinking sometimes... Fortunately for TNA, they did happen two sign two actual wrestlers to their company. Unfortunately for us, the two wrestlers are M-M-Matt "Luh-license and Registration, P-p-please" Morgan and Andrew "Test Exam" Martin. Son of a bitch; just when I thought I was through with having to watch the horse-rat hybrid hand out Big Boots to unsuspecting jobbers, he signs with TNA just to spite me. Damn it, I hate it when TNA signs any schmo just because he or she's been with WWE. Hey, Dixie Carter, I once sent an e-mail to WWE; can I be the head of your creative team?! Anyway, Martin will be debuting as "The Punisher" Andrew Martin, a name he will do justice to after we all are punished with a Martin/Morgan 30-minute Iron Man match. Help us all, Lord.

There are a few conflicting reports on the whereabouts of Jeff Hardy on Monday's Raw. Dave Scherer first reported that Hardy got into serious trouble for no-showing Raw and not contacting anyone about it. It was also mentioned that Hardy's job could be in jeopardy. Another report, from Hardy's former band "Peroxwhy?gen" (whatever that means), states that he was given time off to heal from neck and back injuries sustained from last week's Raw. I'm going to call both their bluffs and say Jeff no-showed Raw because he was super-glued to a porta-potty and thrown into a cement truck, or a giant vat of paint, just because. Yeah, you'll believe me when Jeff redebuts on Raw as Charlie the Color-Changin' Chief of Cheese. You reserve that confused look on your face for whenever you meet Jeff-- er, Charlie. Well, at least his feud with Umaga's been scrapped... or so I've heard... I also heard Umaga had to be turned face because of this whole incident, but I wouldn't know because I chose a George Lopez comedy special over Raw on Monday (and it was hilarious, thank you).

In his upcoming autobiography, Chris Jericho reveals that his first sexual experience, which was with some Modesto beer model named Raquel, "lasted all of twenty seconds. It was quite frankly the worst sexual performance of all time and a real waste because ... Raquel was smoking hot." Thanks, Chris. I'm sure that your legions of fans were dying to know about how your first time went. Then again, I think the real question here is... how the hell does someone model beer? What does Raquel do? Spreads her legs and shoves the beer can up her ass? "Buy... Modesto... argh... today! Egh... IT'S SCRATCHING MY INTESTINES~!" Moving on...

The season premiere (there's seasons?) of Smackdown on September 21st, 2007 will include Teddy Long and Kristal's wedding ceremony. Jesus H. Christ... if there's one storyline that the common WWE fan couldn't care less about, it's this one. Where's the big pay-off? Why is there no build-up? Why didn't they write this storyline more like that movie Monster-In-Law? Sure, Jennifer Lopez can't act to save her life, but the movie was FAR more interesting than this straight-up shitfest. An evil future mother-in-law would have made this crap a bit more watchable. Someone get Big Momma Long in the storyline, pronto!

Are you a Goldberg fan? Probably not. Let me try this... do you like to create sub-par wrestling tribute videos and upload them to YouTube so 52 people can watch it? WELL, HAVE I GOT THE CONTEST FOR YOU~! If you can create the best short video highlighting special Goldberg moments, YOU could win a "special Goldberg prize package", complete with "one-of-a-kind" autographed stuff! That's right; STUFF! These videos will be judged by Goldberg himself, and the winning video will be posted on BillGoldberg.com! I guess you e-mail them there or something, I don't know. These videos must be posted on YouTube, obviously, because Goldberg won't be having any downloading going down on his piece-of-crap computer. The deadline is August 15th, so get to it! Remember, HIGHLIGHTS, not LOWLIGHTS. I know, this makes the video-making process that much harder, so here's a list of Goldberg moments that you can include in your video:

- Goldberg's first loss
- All other Goldberg losses
- Goldberg "trying" to sell moves for his opponents
- Goldberg being booed to Hell during his Wrestlemania match with Brock Lesnar
- Goldberg receiving a Stunner from Stone Cold Steve Austin after the aforementioned match
- Goldberg's "Automaniac" getting cancelled
- Goldberg's "Bullrun" getting cancelled
- Santa's Slay
- Footage of Santa's Slay sitting in a bargain bin at Wal-Mart
- Goldberg trying to stay relevant by announcing this shitty contest

Me? A Goldberg hater? OF COURSE NOT~! Now get to making those videos.

Teddy Hart is already receiving heat from OVW, believe it or not. During a production meeting on his first day, he took a cell phone call, which rubbed many people the wrong way. On top of that, Hart has been refusing to do chores, claiming that his thumb is injured. Oh, suck it up, asshole; you've got another one. On top of THAT, Hart's missed a few training sessions. Isn't this the guy's second stint in OVW? Why waste time and money on this guy? The guy obviously doesn't give a damn about the fact that he's got a huge opportunity to job to Umaga on Raw at hand. So... well, fuck him. I doubt he'll make it to WWE anyhow.

This week's least interesting news bit goes to Karen Angle, the wife of Kurt. Karen will be joining TNA... as a regular on-air character?! Is this some kind of marriage counseling therapy that I haven't heard of? Hey, if KURT ANGLE couldn't boost ratings, just how the hell is KAREN ANGLE going to? At this point, I am begging TNA to hire Daffney. Please?

And now, it's time for the interview segment that makes Tard Grisham want to cry out in envy...



This week, Jeff Hardy couldn't make it to the studio due to injuries... so I took it upon myself to visit his home in North Carolina. Jeff, thanks for letting me into your home. How's it going?

Jeff: Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy...

Uh... hey. How's your neck?

Jeff: ...heeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyy...

...hi. Jeff, did you just happen to fall on your head last week?

Jeff: I'm glad you're here, Catherine. I wrote a poem just for you.

Did you? I'd... love to hear it! Yeah.

Jeff: People are strange
When you're a stranger
Faces look ugly when you're alo--

Stop right there. You didn't even write that. That's a song by The Doors.

Jeff: ...Jim Morrison stole my poem.

Jim Morrison died six years before you were born, Jeff. There's no way that he stole a poem that you supposedly wrote before I got here.

Jeff: No way, I was born in the year 500 B.C.

...wow. Jeff, what medication did your doctor prescribe to you?

Jeff: ...want to see my paintings?

No.

Jeff: Awesome. (He holds up a canvas covered in paint splatters) I call this one "Channeling the Imagi".

I distinctly remember saying "no"...

Jeff: If you insist... (He holds up another canvas covered in more paint splatters) I call this one "Imagi Speaks".



It's the same damn thing.

Jeff: Don't stifle my creative ability, Catherine. (He holds up yet another canvas with two purple, vertical lines on it) This one is called "Hardys Reunited... Imagi"

And just what is this "Imagi" business? What is that?

Jeff: It's... you know... the Imagi. You know... Hey, I wrote another poem for you.

Just now?

Jeff: Yeah.

You are so full of it, but just because you're the sick one here, I'll let you recite it for me. Go ahead.

Jeff: People are strange
When you're a str--

OH, CUT IT OUT! Jim Morrison wrote that before you were born! He died in 1971!

Jeff: That's total crap. I wrestled him several times before he got drafted to ECW.

...my god. That's JOHN Morrison, you ass-backwards dumbass.

Jeff: Catherine.

What?

Jeff: Catherine.

WHAT?!

Jeff: ...Catherine.

What?

Jeff: Have you ever danced under the moon, naked, shivering and surrounded by green fairies? Have you ever bathed in the light of a million fireflies as the wind blows betwixt your buttocks?

Oh my god. Jeff, you know, I watch a lot of those paranormal shows and stuff, and uh... are you possessed or something? Or are you high?

Jeff: ... okay, look, I'm being held hostage.

What? By who?

Jeff (in an Irish accent): The Will-O-The-Wisp, little duck!

...Jeff Hardy, you are a certified psycho. I'm out of here.

Jeff: NO! DON'T LEAVE! HE'LL RAPE MY SOOOOUL!!!

...yeah. See ya!

Thank you for joining me for this... interesting... edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot! Come back next week when I will be interviewing "Hardcore" Bob Holly! Here's a preview:

Holly: RAWR~!

Wonderful. See you next week!

And that does it for this week's Deadface Walking. As usual, feedback may be sent to my Hotmail inbox or
MySpace. For even more TWF goodness, you can check out new guy Stephen Bailey's WWE Creative Team Showcase, Sean Carless's Summer Slam 2003 Recapitation, Cameron Burge's RAW RANT (where both Bobby Lashley and John Cena job cleanly... I know, I'm shocked too), another Carlessy update with a rejected WWE.com article that brings blatant racism to a whole new level, and, last but not least, Gershon Levy's ECW on Sci-Fi Rant! Whew, what a mouthful. In closing, I'm Catherine Perez, and you should get to another page already; I'm trying to watch Ghost Hunters, damn it!

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).