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DEADFACE WALKING!: (06/21/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Random reader, you have now stumbled upon DEADFACE WALKING! (with capital letters and an exclamation point so it looks important), the only pro-wrestling column that will sucker-punch you in the ribcage if you even try to click that Back button. I'm New York Times best-selling author, Catherine Perez, and-- well, damn, I know I'm not, but look at how well that deal's worked out for Mick Foley! Unfortunately, this will more than likely be the last column I write for about three weeks. I'm moving to a new apartment pretty soon and the pricks over at Verizon won't be connecting the damn internet until somewhere around July 12th. Two days prior to that, I'll be celebrating my 19th birthday by slamming my head into my computer monitor repeatedly. So... either there won't be updates for three weeks, or I can smooth-talk one of TWF's lovely staff members into taking over for me. I've got candy! What? It works when I want kids to help clean my room. Anyway, on with the show, featuring yet another slow week in news bits:

I'd like to start off by sending my condolences to the family, friends, and fans of WWE Hall of Famer "Sensational" Sherri Martel (real name Sherri Russell), who passed away almost a week ago at the age of 49 at her home. No other details are available other than she didn't die of natural causes, and police have been investigating the situation. Thankfully, foul play isn't suspected. It's always very tragic for someone to pass away at such a young age, and Sherri will, without a doubt, be sorely missed. The mere fact that there are people in WWE who didn't want to acknowledge her passing is extremely sad.

And now for something tasteless~!111 While Sherri's passing was brought up with a suggestion to drop the angle, Vince's "TAKE THAT, SOPRANOS!" car bomb angle will continue. You know, I thought this whole dead Vince thing would finally bring me joy -- seeing as Vince would no longer be on TV, but it seems that there's more Vince than ever before now! I can't even believe I'm saying this but, on behalf of everyone who's annoyed by this whole thing: Vince, drop the angle and come back... so we can see less of you! Not only will we see less Vince, but we'll see far less of Jonathan Coachman, who's pretty much the on-screen head honcho on Raw now. GAWD, save us all. At least there is a saving grace. Considering last Friday's SmackDown rating was at a disappointing 2.4 despite it being a McMahon tribute, should the McMahon-laden shows' ratings continue to disappoint, the angle will come to an end much faster. Then again, Raw's rating was at a surprising 4.2, which is considered a huge success for WWE. At least they're smart enough to not jump to conclusions like "see, Vince's death = RATINGS!"... yet. There is talk of the culprit behind the bombing being revealed from as early as next week to as late as next month. WWE.com lists some suspects, including Paul London, who was seen smiling as Crazy Vince made his way through three rosters full of midcarders before the limo blew up. Other suspects include John Cena, Mick Foley, Bobby Lashley (I know he bombs on the microphone, but that's just ridiculous), Jonathan Coachman, Cryme Tyme, and limo driver Thomas Pagliaro. Some guy named Daniel Beck is in charge of investigating the car bombing. Apparently, he's in no hurry; WWE.com have even gotten him to take the time to get a few fancy-pants pictures of him snapped (like
this gem here). Snazzy!

While we're on the subject... WWE wants YOUR opinion! What? Did we suddenly fall into some kind of freaky alternate dimension? I shit you not! Over at WWE.com, it seems that they want to know
your take on who's responsible for taking Vince out. Of course, I had to put in my two cents. I told them it was Scotty 2 Hotty. Come on, Scotty's given his walking papers and suddenly Vince is whacked? It's too bad that the invisible cameramen didn't catch Scotty's celebratory Worm just feet away from the burning limo.

On another related note (hey, don't blame me; there's more Vince news than ANYTHING lately), WWE Mobile is currently selling cellphone wallpapers of the limo blowing up, right below a picture of Sherri Martel. Tasteless? You bet your ass it is.

It appears that Konnan and Ron Killings have quit TNA (well, as far as Killings goes, is trying to quit... again) and will now be working for AAA in Mexico. While TNA have done their best to make sure I don't give a rat's ass about Killings... what the hell, Konnan?! Konnan was part of one of the greatest stables I've ever seen (you know, up until I-don't-know-what happened that made them fizzle out) in LAX. What's LAX going to do now; turn face and become the We Love Gringos X-Press? TNA definitely isn't going to find a better talent than Konnan to be LAX's mouthpiece... unless they recruit Dusty Rhodes, but that won't happen as long as Dusty's pitching bad ideas for ECW. Why does Konnan, a guy who's actually being used on TV and in an angle with Hector Guerrero, get his release granted, while Killings, whose been practically begging to leave TNA for quite some time, not get his wish? Why so many commas? What's the meaning of life?! Well, here's to hoping that LAX don't hit rock bottom and dissolve faster than Ashley Massaro after breaking her hand. Speaking of Ashley...

It has been rumored that Ashley would be leaving WWE for the new season of Survivor. Don't celebrate just yet; she's not leaving leaving, but the rumor is true. According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter (which is pretty much where we all get our news), CBS asked WWE for someone who would make a good television character... and who better than "Walking Liability" Kevin Nashley Massaro? I can think of about ten people who would make a better television character. In fact, I think I'll list them now:

1.) Eugene (can you imagine the hate mail CBS would get?)
2.) Pat Patterson
3.) Viscera
4.) Cryme Tyme
5.) Skinner
6.) Red Rooster ("...uh... what do I do with these wooden stick things, Bobby?")
7.) Momma Benjamin
8.) Marty Jannetty
9.) Big Fat Oily Guy
10.) Scott Steiner ("HAH?! HAH?! HAH?!" = ratings!)

Since I mentioned "Cryme"... unfortunately for Ashley, she has yet to find out where the Survivor crew will be headed this year:



Tough luck, Ashley! Oh, while we're on the subject of everyone's favorite mound of dust, her Playboy issue pretty much bombed, bringing "tremendous disappointment" in sales. I'm sure this can be attributed to the fact that everyone's seen her naked already. Is there ever a time when Ashley doesn't disappoint?

Coming this Sunday, everyone's favorite odd-overcoming machine will have spent 280 days as WWE Champion. Yes, it is the same number as his first WWE title reign. From April 3rd, 2005 to January 8th, 2006, Cena was the reigning WWE Champion until Edge cashed in his Money In The Bank contract at New Year's Revolution (I remember the ratings going up because of Edge's reign... ain't that something?). Of course, Cena won it back by the end of the month, and enjoyed a nice 133-day reign until Rob Van Dam won the belt off of him by cashing in his MITB contract at One Night Stand on June 11th, 2006. Of course, he won it back on September 17th from Edge -- who won it on July 3rd and reigned for most of the summer -- and has been pissing many people off since then. For those of you who aren't keeping score, that's about 417+ dark days altogether from 2006 to 2007, and a total of 690+ days from all three of his reigns. Dear God. I can't remember a more miserable title reign outside of JBL's 280-day reign of doom from 2004 to 2005. Can you just imagine Cena going the Bruno Sammartino route and reigning for 2,803 days? Why does WWE do this to us? Do Cena fans enjoy this? Damn, if my high school would've implemented wrestling to algebra, I wouldn't have gotten those Fs in senior year...

Well, now that the Draft's over with, it can safely be said that Smackdown got the shit end of the stick once again. I'd say it was ECW, but I like to pretend that ECW doesn't exist. While Raw hit the proverbial jackpot with wrestlers like Mr. Kennedy, Paul London and Brian Kendrick (who had a great match on Monday, I must say), and King Booker, Smackdown got Eugene, Chris Masters, Hardcore Holly, and other lesser cared-about wrestlers. I can just imagine all the wrestlers sitting backstage, crossing their fingers and praying with the hope of not having to share a show with Mike Mizanin. I suggest that
Gersh gets himself some antidepressants; Mizanin on ECW is going to be nothing but pure hell... kind of like Mizanin on Smackdown, or Mizanin occupying the earth.

A criminal charge has been brought against Jerry "The King" Lawler! Damn it, Lawler, I told you to leave those girls alone! Oh, it's not about underage girls? Last Friday, Lawler repeatedly punched "The Big Cheese" Sal Corrente at an indy wrestling show while yelling out the funniest thing anyone will ever hear Lawler say: "You stupid motherfucker, don't you ever hit a fan!" The funniest part? Corrente never hit a fan, according to eyewitnesses at the show. Even funnier? The mere thought of one wrestler hitting another wrestler at a wrestling show and being charged with a criminal offense. HAHAHAHA! The court date is scheduled for August 1st as long as Mississippi authorities serve Lawler his papers before then. Luckily for them, King's wrestling on July 20th at a Sam's Town Memphis Wrestling show and is expected to be handed his papers then. My sides hurt. Oh my God.

Hey! Are you a loser? I'm talking like a complete, total dork who sits home all day in his mother's basement channel-surfing between Monday Night Raw and Big Busty Sluts 15 (no, not the Diva Search), wondering when his dream of finally getting with a woman will come true. Are you that guy in the nosebleed section that all the WWE stars point over to and mock when they want to gain cheap heat? Are you envious of Val Venis, of all people? Well, listen up, 'cause have I got news for you~! You, yes, YOU have an opportunity to win a dinner date with Lauren Jones! Doesn't ring a bell? You know, Lauren Jones, former WWE Diva? She was on Smackdown? Uh... that "Anchorwoman" chick? Okay, well, she's a woman, and that's just what you need in your life! If you hop on over to
this link here, you can enter to win some time with Lauren (complete with painfully obvious plastic surgery work). Oh yeah, you must be over 21 to be qualified, but you're probably double that age, right? Trust me, you'll thank me later. You might even get to sleep with her; I mean, her tagline is "She's coming," and if that's not an obvious double entendre, I don't know what is.

WE'RE TAKING OVER... YOUR FOOD! Yes, the Blue Meanie now has his own hot sauce to share with the world. HA, TAKE THAT, JBL~! Does JBL have his own hot sauce? Fuck no! Nobody wants a sauce called Jibble; it sounds gross, like it has little chunks of jibbles in it (what jibbles are will be left to your imagination). MEANIE SAUCE, however, must taste like you just got kicked in the face TWICE. It's a taste to fear! Well, that's what the damn bottle says. Even the bottle's label looks all hardcore! What would've made Meanie Sauce even more awesome is if they had put blue food coloring in it. Sure, then it'd be purple, but sometimes we've gotta make compromises. Meanie Sauce, while a bit expensive for a 5-ounce bottle, can be purchased at HotSauceFactory.com. Now where's Stevie Richards and Nova with their food condiments? Come on, you know you'd buy some Big Stevie Cool salad dressing, or some Hollywood Nova dijon mustard. Better yet, when are we coming out with some TWF sauce?

This week's least important news bit of the week goes to Amy Weber, a former Diva Dead Weight. Amy will be making her first wrestling-related appearance since quitting WWE during an overseas tour over what I remember was something about her being on a Japanese stripper flyer that was passed around to some of the WWE wrestlers... or something like that. Anyway, she'll be touring Italy from 7/20 to 8/5 with Nu Wrestling Evolution. Amy will be joining another former WWE Diva, Vito, and indy wrestler Talia Madison on the tour. Nobody cares? Neither do I, so let's move on to....



Thanks for joining me for another exciting edition of Hey Man, Nice Shoot. This week I'm joined by a superstar that all the kids love, a superstar who will, as he says, kick your ass. I'm talking about "The Animal" Batista! Oh, and Josey Scott from Saliva's here too... no idea why.

Josey: HE WALKS ALOOOOOOONE!!! YEAAAAAAAAH!!!
Batista: I walk alone? Yeah, I do. Except for today, 'cause you're with me, and if you don't cooperate, I will kick. Your. ASS~!

Dave, Josey, thanks for being here. I'm sure you both have very busy schedules and whatnot, seeing as--

Josey: I TOUR ALOOOOOOOONE!!! YEAAAAAAAAH!!!

You're not even a solo artist, Josey, and will you stop doing that? You sound like a complete dumbass.

Josey: Sorry, hehe, I just get carried away sometimes.

Whatever. So, Batista, I've heard from a friend that you're writing an autobiography soon. Through internet magic, however, I have already obtained a copy:



Great cover, by the way; I'm sure whoever made it must be a graphics visionary. From the looks of it, you must be tackling a lot of personal issues in this book.

Batista: I'm tackling a lot of personal issues? You could say that I am... or, uh, will be. I haven't written it yet. I didn't even know Dusty was going to help me. But that's good, 'cause I'm not too great at writing. I'm just a guy. I eat, sleep, and kick ass. Mostly kick ass. I don't have time to learn writing skills.

That's amazing. Now, Dave, some fans, especially those in the internet wrestling community, are very critical of your speaking skills, or lack thereof. You have this uncanny ability to take the last sentence someone says in his promo, turn it into a question, and then announce that you will kick that man's ass. That, sir, is genius. It's edgy, it's original, it's... you. I mean, most guys try to tell a story, leave a lasting impression on the minds of all wrestling fans, and allow us to suspend disbelief, but not you. You're different. You're that guy who comes back from an injury and tells that other bastard, "Hey! I'm kicking your ass real soon," and nothing more, and for that I commend you.

Batista: You commend me? You should. Sure, I suck three balls at promos, and WWE never sends me to do interviews for Jay Leno or Dave Letterman, but when someone needs their ass kicked, I'm there. I'll kick their asses. Ass.
Josey: HE'LL KICK SOME AAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!! YEAAAAAAAH!!!

Josey, what did I say about that? If I ask you a question, will you stop?

Josey: Oh, awesome, sure. Go right ahead.

I just did.

Josey: That's not fair! I'm a huge star!

Ugh, fine. Uh... what's your favorite kind of cheese?

Josey: I LIKE PROVOLOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!! YEAAAAAAAH!!!

You fuck--

Josey: No, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I won't do it again, I swear. Look, I didn't want to tell you this...

You don't have to...

Josey: ...but I have a really bad speech impediment. It's called Shout Like An Asshole Syndrome. I've had it since I was 9...

Look, I really don't care. I'm trying to talk to Batista here.

Josey: Do you know how hard it is to not shout like an asshole in the middle of quiet time at school?! I HAD NO CHOOOOOOOICE!!! YEAAAAAAAAAH!!! I got detention every day... God damn it all, the only thing I could be in life was a rock star!

Your sob story's real moving and everything, really warms my heart, but you fail to understand that I don't care.

Batista: You don't care? Neither do I. Josey, get the hell off the set before I kick. Your. ASS!
Josey: I WILL NOT GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Dear God. Look, just ignore him. So, Dave, how do you feel about--

Josey: Grandma hates me! SHE HAS VERTIGOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

God damn it, THAT'S IT. I'm fuckin' done. Josey, go to hell. Batista, come back some other time, and don't bring this loud asshole with you!

Batista: Don't bring that loud asshole with me? Consider it done. Josey, you ruined my interview, therefore you ruined my life. I am going to KICK. YOUR. ASS~!!!!111

Ugh. Well, I'm not sure what to tell you about next week seeing as I'm being forced to take a three-week vacation (thanks, Verizon), so... see ya!

That's all for this week's DEADFACE WALKING! Make sure to leave feedback in my e-mail inbox or at
MySpace, and I'll try to answer before Verizon screws me over. Then you'll shimmy on over to James Walker's Vengeance 2006 recap, the Best Damn Raw Rant, Period courtesy of Cameron Burge, and Gershon Levy's ECW Rant of misery. Also make sure to check out last week's TNA and Smackdown rants, written by Neil Cathan and British Bullfrog, respectively. Something tells me most of these links aren't going to work. Either way, I'm Catherine Perez, and you should always treat dandruff with decapitation.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).