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DEADFACE WALKING!: (05/31/07)
By Catherine Perez
 

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Wrestling fans, and Wrestling Fan fans, welcome back to the column known the world over as the leading treatment for herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis and crabs (or Herpagonosyphilitch), Deadface Walking! I, of course, am your hostess, Catherine Perez, and this sentence has quite a few commas in it. This week, I debut a new segment that will probably go over like a fart in church, but at least I'm trying to keep your asses entertained for a little longer. All genital and ass talk aside, let's begin with some sort-of-old news:

Readers, last week, I let you guys down. Not because it was a shitty column; that happens. Last week, I failed to mention that World Wrestling Entertainment has shown us all a sign of the Apocalypse. I'm sure many of you have learned by now that Scotty 2 Hotty was fired recently. For the very few who haven't, REMAIN CALM. DON'T PANIC. I'm sure it was a big misunderstanding on Stephanie McMahon's part. Surely, Stephanie must know that keeping Scotty employed holds up the very fabric of time and space, and his unemployment, along with Stevie Richards', will cause our precious planet to fall out of orbit and collide into the sun, leaving us helpless and possibly dead as we float about in a frozen time frame? No? HAS THE WOMAN GONE MAD?! Now, our future lies in the hands of Stevie Richards. Mr. Richards, we have faith in you to remain unnoticed in WWE, thus saving the planet we occupy and the ability to let us return to our miserable, routine-like existence. Make us proud.

As I hinted at in the introduction to this column, Jay Lethal has been hoodwinked, bamboozled, and other strange verbs that pertain to being tricked! Lethal has caught wind of the fact that several people can imitate "Macho Man" Randy Savage's trademark raspy voice, and is not sure he was talking to him over the phone when the supposed Savage gave Lethal his blessings to act out the "Macho Man" gimmick. There was also something about Lethal saying this over TNA's mobile phone service, so this all could be part of his Black Machismo angle. In a Deadface Walking EXCLUSIVE~!, I let the cat out of the bag as far as who's responsible for making everyone's favorite Savage impersonator look like a complete ass in more ways than one:



Fess up, McMahon, or suffer the consequences! Those consequences, of course, include being bitten in the grapefruits by an angry Shark... Boy. YEAH!

Rob Van Dam does, in fact, own his ring name, and can wrestle as Rob Van Dam outside of WWE. Thank God, too; I was already coming up with possible new ring names for him, including:

1. Rob Claude Van Damme
2. Rob Van God Dam
3. Rob Dam It
4. Rob Van Dyke(stra?)
5. Frankly, My Dear, I Don't Give a Van Dam
6. ...DAM~! [/Ron Simmons]

Hey, I didn't say they were good, but anything's better than Robbie V - right? Since you're reading about him already, to follow up last week's Van Dam report, it seems that those in TNA are not too hopeful anymore for an RVD signing. It has been reported that Van Dam has no interest in working for the company, and is still open to working a lighter schedule in WWE. Either way, he'll most likely be written out of WWE TV following Sunday's show, Why Don't We Cuddle? I'll assume that Van Dam's match with Snitsky will suck so hard that Randy Orton will come out and further damage RVD's noggin, already kayfabe fucked up with a "concussion" thanks to an RKO (and you can't tell me that wasn't hilarious). ZOMG, HE'S INJURED FOR-EV-ARR~! Or until his 90-day no-compete clause is up.

The Condemned has set a new standard for all future failing WWE Films releases to reach. The Steve Austin flick had been pulled from all theaters last Friday, only playing in 207 theaters nation-wide the weekend before. Some viewers of the film have been reported to had slipped into comas, while others had been placed on Suicide Watch for 48 hours. When asked for comment, Vince McMahon asked, "Comas? Suicide Watch? WWE One Night Stand aired already?" Ooh, burn~! While we're on the subject of McMahon, he believes that LionsGate, the company who distributed The Condemned, are to blame for the monumental flop. Vinnie Mac has made it clear that LionsGate is at fault for not properly advertising the movie, and thus, the wrestling fan base was not properly informed. Not properly informed?! How much more informed could we possibly be?

Jim Ross: BAH GAWD KEENG, THE CONDEMNED STARRING STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN IS OUT IN THEATERS! LET'S CHECK OUT SOME FOOTAGE... (minutes pass) BAH GAWD KEENG, THE CONDEMNED WITH STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN IS OUT IN THEATERS! LET'S CHECK OUT WHAT FANS THOUGHT OF IT... (minutes pass) FRUITY, DELICIOUS, FRUITY, FRUITY -- BAH GAWD KEENG, THE CONDEMNED STARRING STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN...

The real problem here is that no one wants to waste $7 on "The Running Man At The Battle Royale". WWE Films uses plots that are tired and done to death (just another day at work over at WWE, I guess). You'd think they'd all learn this after witnessing the sheer horror that was WWE Films' last releases, "Terminating Rambo's True Lies", starring John Cena, and "I Know What You Did Last Halloween When You Visited Elm Street", starring Kane. I'm sure WWE Films are working on their next flop right about now. In fact, in another Deadface Walking EXCLUSIVE~!, I've managed to snag a copy of the film's promotional poster:


Can you just SEE the raw emotion that Benoit put into his character, Lloyd Doppelgangenstein?


As it turns out, Bruce Prichard was the evil bastard who pitched Bobby "Baby" Lashley running the Gauntlet last week. Prichard will never know that watching Lashley just about take over the entire show, for me and many others, was about as entertaining as a C-SPAN marathon. Wait, I'm not done. Watching Bobby Lashley's Gauntlet was the equivalent to watching test patterns, then suddenly being thrown, face-first, by a best friend into a deep fryer. Then, as I scream and writhe around in excrutiating pain, I receive a free SURPRISE colonoscopy while my face is frying into crispy deliciousness. From who? I DON'T KNOW~! Seconds later, I pull my head out of the fryer only to find that my dentist has just made a house call to perform a root canal and forgot the anesthesia, and soon I'm having my teeth drilled into while I'm repeatedly slapped with a used condom for no reason whatsoever. It doesn't end here, readers. After my impromptu root canal and condom slapfest, a group of terrorist pandas break into my home and force me to watch Goldberg vs. Lesnar (you know the one) as they stab at my tits with bamboo shanks and fill the area with an entire community's worth of smelly pig farmers - again, for no reason whatsoever. As my chest bleeds, I let out a deafening scream, and I inhale the nauseating, unwholesome pig stench and die. I awaken in Hell, which happens to be a WWE arena. All of the world's former sinners are crying and screaming in unison at the blinding horror that is taking place in the ring. I look over, and I scream out to the Heavens in fear and disapproval at the sight of Bobby Lashley running the Gauntlet. Nothing comes of my screams of pain and torture; God's always no-showed WWE events. That, in a nutshell, was what watching that Gauntlet was like. Thanks a lot, Prichard, you bastard..

Buyrates for Backlash, which was promoted as a three-brand PPV, have shown "significant disappointment" according to the Wrestling Observer. WWE were expecting a lot more buys than the final number, which is yet to be known. Am I the only one who isn't surprised? From my own perspective, the matches leading up to the main event weren't exactly worth writing home about (perhaps with the exception of Undertaker vs. Batista, but not even that interested me) and in the end, John Cena "once again overcame the odds", as WWE.com put it. I don't throw away $40 on a three-hour show that has the quality of what I watch for free on Mondays and Fridays, and no one else should either. Honestly, does anyone give a rat's ass about Vince McMahon, a 60-year-old man who probably suffers from some kind of Dorian Gray Syndrome that's just unheard of, challenging for a title that he has no reason to do so much as look at? Every other match had little to no build-up, as far as I can remember, and I can only assume that McMahon's match was the focal point of the show. Why don't they just stop beating around the bush and name all their future shows Cena Wins and Vince Is Your God?

Vince: Hey, that's pretty damn catchy!

The USA Network has been advertising a "WWE Draft Special" for June 11th. Dear God. Why not just end the brand split and save themselves and their viewers from all future "Holy shit, everyone's injured, LET'S PUSH LASHLEY MORE~!" catastrophes? It's only logical... then again, WWE and logic go together like Mike Mizanin and entertainment.

Do my eyes deceive me? I believe the GENIUSES over at WWE have booked a pudding match for this Sunday. Yes... pudding. Oh, how far One Night Stand has fallen! Exactly what the hell are these assholes thinking? "Okay, we've got chairs, barbed wire, ladders, and cages! We need everything we can to prove to everyone that we can book a hardcore show better than Paul Heyman. *GASP~!* You know what's missing?! MOTHERFUCKING JELL-O PUDDING!!!111 OH HELL YEAH! QUICK, GET BILL COSBY ON THE PHONE!" Ugh. Well, at least members of the audience can tell their grandkids about the Great Bathroom Break of 2007. "Oh, it was awful! Clogged toilets, lines as far as the eye could see! I PISSED myself, little Billy!" Well, the only other thing that needs to be said on this matter is: I HOPE IT'S TAPIOCA, LOLZ~!!!!111

Ashley Massaro's pointless Smackdown promo last week was changed at the last minute because Ashley seems to think that she has some creative control. Instead of talking about her past injuries, thus making her character understandably pissed and frustrated at her recent injury, she chose the road to bubbliness and talked about her favorite rock bands.

Ashley: Yeah, I was injured, taken out of action, put through a lot of physical anguish... BUT GAWWWWD FALL OUT BOY ARE AMAZING~! ZOMG, and I can't believe how hawt Bert from The Used is!111 What, get revenge on Jillian? NAW, I'VE GOT A THRICE CONCERT TO GET TO!!!1112

If anything, that killed all credibility of her feud with Jillian as far as I'm concerned. Nice job, Miss Bubbly-pants.

This week's least important news bit of the week goes to Jay Hassman, a former TNA employee. Hassman pleaded guilty on the 17th to two felony charges of second degree grand larceny and first degree falsification of business records. During TNA's early days, Hassman, formerly working in the PPV department, claimed that TNA's first weekly PPV brought in 80,000 buys when it only did 25,000. Jesus Christ, Hassman; typo much? Well, thanks to his stupidity, Hassman will be facing a maximum of 15 years in prison when he is sentence on August 15th. Remember, boys: lying gets you nowhere... except for a dirty prison cell where a Big Fat Oily Guy look-alike named Tiny will make you his Mike Mizanin. Hoorah, indeed.

And now... debuting this week on Deadface Walking, weighing in at something like 1 or 2 Kb...



Welcome to my new fake interview section! This is where I... uh... interview wrestlers. I KNOW, IT'S AWESOME~! This week, I interview the posterboy for this new segment, the Great Khali! Oh, and his new bitch, Punjab Translator Guy! Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me and answer a few questions, guys.

Khali: BLARG! AAAHHHH BABWAH BAH!
Punjab Translator Guy: The Great Khali is happy to be here today.
Khali: BLARRRR BLAH BALOO GREAT KHALI!
PTG: Yes, and Khali says you should consider yourself lucky to be sitting before him.

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty lucky... SO. How are things going for you as far as WWE goes?

Khali: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! REEEEEEEE!
PTG: The Great Khali says things are going great considering he lacks wrestling ability and can't speak English, but he wishes that he was the only useless mass of monstrous hell from a foreign country in WWE.

Are you talking about Umaga?

Khali: BAAAAAAAAA SANTINO MARELLA!
PTG: Uh, what he said.

Right. So, let's talk about your painfully limited moveset. How'd you come up with that DEVASTATING brain chop, and why'd you decide to add a double-handed chokeslam to your list of "dangerous" moves?

Khali: BLARG! BLANG DOO ASHLEY YIP ZINGBLO!!! BLAH! GREAAAT KHALIIIIII!
PTG: The Great Khali says he was sneaking around the SmackDown Divas' locker room one night, sniffing panties, when Ashley Massaro walked in and asked what was going on. Doing the only logical thing he could do, he knocked her out with a powerful, downward thrust of his hand, and thus the brain chop was born. No one messes with the Great Khali.

Jesus Christ! Did she end up in a hospital?! Not that... I was counting on it or anything... seriously. I've had enough lawsuit threats.

Khali: YABLA BLARG!
PTG: The Great Khali says she wasn't knocked out, she was just on the floor laughing her ass off. It took a second brain chop to silence her.
Khali: BLOOOOOOOOOO BABALOO JOHN CENA BLAH!
PTG: The Great Khali added the double-handed chokeslam to his moveset because John Cena refused to job to a brain chop. Apparently, no one messes with John Cena either.

Apparently not. So, Khali, what about your humble beginnings? Who influenced you to become a wrestler?

Khali: ...GIANT GONZÁLES!

Seriously? Not even Ric Flair? Not even His Orangeness Hulk Hogan? Not even Skinner?

Khali: BLEEEEEEEARGH! BOOBAH BLEEGLEBAH!
PTG: The Great Khali says that Giant Gonzáles was the total package. Tall...

...that's it? Just tall?

Khali: ...blurg.
PTG: Yeah.

...wow. I guess that's all it takes to make it in WWE. Now, Khali, I'd hate to keep you longer than two minutes because, quite frankly, you're scary and about as tall as my Christmas tree, so here's one final question: How the fuck did you understand my questions without any translation from Punjab Translator Guy?

Khali (after much hesitation): Honestly, my dear, after months of thought, the ladies and gentlemen in World Wrestling Entertainment's creative team have decided that audience members would be more... intrigued, if you will, with a giant man who has no grasp whatsoever of the English language. A very absurd decision, indeed, but that is "how the fuck" I understood your questions, as you so eloquently put it.
PTG: ...whoa.

What the HELL?! Okay, this interview is over. Join me next week, when I will have a one-on-one interview with everyone's favorite paranoid schizophrenic... ERIC YOUNG!

And that does it for this week's Deadface Walking! Let me know what you thought of this edition via e-mail or
MySpace. Shameless plugs rawk~!111 Again, I'm Catherine Perez, and you're a Mac. Holy shit, that was the worst closing mini-joke in the history of The Wrestling Fan.

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ
 
Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).