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DEADFACE WALKING!

by Catherine Perez

March 29, 2007

[PICS AND LOGO CREATED BY CATHERINE PEREZ].

Hello, WrestlingFan readers! I am Catherine Perez, and you have just taken a detour into absolute madness. This is Deadface Walking, the only column that makes Sign Guy Dudley say "Ho!", or anything else for that matter. Before we get down to business, I figured I'd tell you all a bit about myself and this column. I'm female, I'm quite possibly the youngest columnist currently on TheWrestlingFan.com at the age of 18 though I wouldn't know for sure, I have green hair, I like to collect vintage WWF t-shirts, and I have an unhealthy fascination for the criminally insane. This column is about… well… nothing and everything. I tell you about recent goings-on in the wrestling world and give you my warped little thoughts on them. That's all. Now that a good percentage of you have frantically clicked the back button and made a mad dash into the loving e-arms of Sean Carless's hilarious ramblings, let's get on with the show.

According to a reliable online source (so says this one column I read), TNA have been dismissing all negative reviews of Destination X as coming from those on the WWE payroll. This would imply that those on the WWE payroll ordered the show, which gives me an image of Vince McMahon hosting a girly Destination X slumber party for everyone on his payroll, and they're all making fanboy/girl comments on everything. I can only imagine how that went:

Vince: ZOMG~! Okay, that Sting, I sooooo wish he'd work for me! I'd be all like, calling him to my office and firing him... SQUEE~!!!!111one

Triple H: Ohmahgah I KNOW! And did you SEE that bow tie on Bob Backlund?! *Sigh* He is SO awesome.

Kelly Kelly: Haaaaahaaaaaa... penis.

Randy: I wouldn't mind shitting in Jerry Lynn's duffel bag! ^__^

Ashley: Has anyone seen my super-punk-rock Avril Lavigne CD? OMFG IT'S AUSTIN STAAAAARR!!!

Snitsky: Like, I totally want to suck on his toes.

Vince: …you are so gay.

Snitsky: ;__; It's not my fault.

Of course, they're on the WWE payroll, so they must all keep their (man)crushes on TNA's talent pool a secret and attack all aspects of what they have seen. How positively evil! Along with these hilarious allegations, Fred Flintstone look-alike Don West actually got pissed off as negative reviews from the IWC were read aloud in some sort of TNA meeting. I must say that Don West in a bad mood has got to be the funniest thing to witness…ever. What does he do, throw a chair across the room and scream "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FREAKIN' KIDDING MEEEEE"? I'd pay good money to see him throw something into Jeremy Borash's mug and scream, “RIGHT IN THE FACE! RIGHT…IN…THE…FAAAACE!!!” I'm probably the only person on the planet as of today who wants to see this man star in The Hulk 2. Moving on...

WWE Magazine recently commented on Yawncore Hardcore Holly not being featured in many Wrestlemania shows, to which Holly, in true bitter fashion, replied, "It would bother anybody, especially when you know you have the talent. It's not due to the lack of talent, it's not due to being unpopular with the fans. It's due to somebody somewhere who doesn't like me." Look, Holly has had over a decade to get over; he's gotten the opportunity time and time again - he even got a main event match against Brock Lesnar at one point in his career! Hell, he even tried being Stone Cold Bob Holly! The fact of the matter is that while Holly may or may not have the wrestling ability, he lacks like no other in charisma and personality - in a way that makes WWE's least charismatic wrestler (Lashley? Conway?) parallel the likes of The Rock in that department. No one responds to Holly unless he gets screwed by some wood (in that case I'm sure Pat Patterson can help recreate the magic of that night). I will agree, however, on one point that Holly makes. Somebody somewhere doesn't like him, and, unfortunately for him, that's probably over two thirds of all wrestling fans around the globe. Tough luck, Sparky. Try your luck at comedy or something; anyone can be a comic these days – just look at Carlos Mencia.

Speaking of Wrestlemania, it seems as though fans will be treated to musical performances from rapper Ludacris and the first lady of soul, Aretha Franklin. Aretha will be singing America the Beautiful as Lilian Garcia looks on in anger and jealousy, and Ludacris will join her for a tear-jerking rendition of “Cop Killer”. Okay, maybe not, but that would be a sight to behold. In reality, Ludacris will probably provide entrance music for Cryme Tyme or an angry Highlander Eugene or something. Anything but Booyaka, please.

I hate this year's Wrestlemania ads. I don't like children. What I am looking forward to, however, is next year's Wrestlemania ads. If they're all grown up now, what about next year? That's right, bitches: “WAY Grown Up!” It'll be hilarious! Take Batista, for example. We see Batista throwing his crazy pyro tantrum on the stage as his voice-over tells us, “Last YEAR, I did a lot OF GROWing up... from an aniMAL–“ The camera then pans over to an old, flabby man in Batista's tights, attempting the same tantrum, but falling short as his back gives out and, instead of saying his line, he screams “AAAHHH!!! My back! My GOD DAMNED back! CALL 911!!!” I don't know about you guys, but I think this would be priceless comedy gold.

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! In case you haven't heard (get out from under that damn rock), a recent steroid investigation has supposedly outed many of pro-wrestling's top talent. These names include but are not limited to Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero (the poor man will never rest in peace at this rate), Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Randy Orton, Randy Orton, Randy Orton, Randy -- ahem... Edge, and Gregory Helms (okay, maybe he's not a TOP talent, but... he's got cool entrance music?). Don't be surprised when you tune in to Raw and Smackdown and find all your favorite wrestlers on suspension leave thanks to this little scandal, replaced by Ashley taking on the rest of the male roster -- not that she probably hasn't already on her own time -- and Scotty Too Hotty battling Hornswoggle in the main event. Or not. It's not like WWE's ever given a damn about steroid-use accusations, I mean, Batista IS their World Champ. Randy Orton is getting the worst of this accusation, seeing as he's been linked to eight different prescribed drugs. To Randy: just in case WWE try to save themselves from this mess by firing all their jacked-up wrestlers (if only), you'd might as well get to packing your shit. Speaking of shit, what's another dump in a duffel bag for old times' sake? Your career may very well be in the shitter now (ZING~!1). What I want to know is, where are these guys' tits? Don't steroid users have tits? Jerry Lawler would probably piss himself in excitement if he got to see tits for two entire hours.

In case you couldn't get enough of the modern classics (must… keep… straight… face…) WWE Films has been pumping out like a pregnant, teenage girl, have I got some news for you! From the makers of Scream on Friday the 13th Because of a Nightmare On Elm Street-- I mean SEE NO EVIL, True Lies of Rambo-- damn it... THE MARINE, and The Running Man at the Battle Royale-- er, THE CONDEMNED comes a… modern-day Western? That's right! Coming soon to a theater near you -- and probably not another damn place else -- comes JORNADA DEL MUERTOOOOO. What does that translate to? "Journey of the Dead Man", or, as WWE Films' would have you believe, "Really Fucking Original Movie…We Swear This Time". This would have you think that it's a biopic on the life of the Undertaker, but, alas, it is not. Perhaps if 'Taker would have been a Mexican luchador, it would be. What this movie really is, is “a modern-day Western where gangs, drug trafficking and broken codes of honor rule" [WrestlingNews.com]. Pretty original, right? Man, those WWE writers sure are some bright sons of bitches. This movie stars a complete clusterfuck of your favorite WWE superstars in Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Dave Batista. Oh, and Bobby Lashley. I only have one complaint. Why Batista and Lashley? I pray that they don't get a scene to themselves:

Batista: It is time for our JOURNEY!!! [He then shakes a rope that isn't there.] I am going to kick…the journey's…ASS!!!!

Lashley: You say your name's Batista, and you're going on a journey? I say your name's Batista… and you're an overrated, untalented, over-muscular Warrior wannabe... bastard. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Batista: I'm an overrated, untalented, over-muscular Warrior wannabe... bastard? We'll I'm going to kick... the bastard's... ASS!!!

Actually, I've changed my mind. This disastrous altercation may be worth the ticket price alone. JORNADA DEL MUERTOOOOO, coming to (eight) theaters in 2009 (when half the stars are probably unemployed).

Fans of women's wrestling - not skank fights - shield your eyes. Ashley Massaro and Candice Michelle will be taking the women's division by the horns (Johnny Ace's member?) and riding their way to the top while women like Victoria will be taking the back seat as usual. That's right, say hello to the new faces of women's wrestling! Victoria is viewed as not having what it takes to be a top WWE diva, but, of course, women who only know about four movies between each other are some kind of pro-wrestling prodigies these days. Congratulations, ladies; have fun failing to put on semi-decent matches together as those who are superior to you are forgotten and eventually fired. Where the hell is TNA's women's division? Sure, it might suck too, but I'm sure it'll suck less than the inevitable Ashley vs. Candice for the women's belt. The Apocalypse is drawing much too near… and that brings me to…

Current Women's Champion Melina Perez (no relation, obviously) will be taking on the untrained… non-wrestling… botchamaniacal… human injury machine/eye-candy… Kevin Nash Billy Kidman Ashley Massaro. This, along with potential pro-wrestling classics such as Kane vs. the Great Khali, are obviously going to mean HUGE buy rates for WWE (now picture me laughing my ass off as I type all that). I don't know about you guys, but when I think Melina vs. Ashley, I think "Apocalypse". Well, maybe not "Apocalypse", but something equally awful (a Uwe Boll film? Melina and Ashley IN a Uwe Boll film?). Melina, thankfully, has been wrestling for nearly a decade, but that doesn't stop her from putting on lackluster fights - then again, perhaps it's the fault of her untrained opponents. Ashley, on the other hand, is far worse. Though, who can blame her? Not every WWE diva straight out of a rigged, skanky beauty contest has the time to learn how to wrestle and thus make herself useful in the world of wrestling, right? HELL no! Ashley's got other things on her mind, like running through tires, giggling like an insane hyena, picking adhesive off of her nipples, and eating twenty hot dogs in one sitting! That's important stuff right there, kids. Nonetheless, this one's bound to be a bathroom break to remember. I'll continue to push for a decent TNA women's division.

Did you hear? Vince McMahon thinks WWE's next boom period is coming. Unless this boom is synonymous with a loud crashing sound, as of an airplane, accompanied by the deafening screams of helpless civilians as they suffer slow, painful and fiery deaths, I don't see a boom of any sort in WWE's future. Let's face it: pro-wrestling isn't cool with the mainstream anymore. The biggest story so far for WWE has been the hair vs. hair feud between Donald Trump and Vince, and not even that catches the attention of the people who matter (not the fans, silly, the media). Let me predict the next WWE boom period. Vince McMahon dies, and Stephanie is left to continue the family business. Fairy tale storylines played out by giant hosses? KABOOM, BABY~!

WWE superstars are becoming quite worked up with Vince McMahon's 'pet', John Cena. According to other news sites, Cena's been spending a lot of quality time with McMahon, and this isn't sitting well with anyone else. This doesn't sit well with me, either, readers. Sure, Cena's getting a lot of exercise by playing Fetch with Vinnie Mac, but all that Iams has got to be killing his innards! I don't blame McMahon for getting a new pet, though. After losing his beloved rat-horse hybrid, Test, a puppy just has to be the next step to healing his emotional wounds. Feel better, Vince! Now teach it some new damn tricks already, and stop feeding him so many WWE Title Treats!

And now for this column's least important news bit, Rebecca "DiPicklesauce" ( me… inside joke, forget it) DiPietro has been fired. When asked for comment, Dave Batista screamed out in anger and crashed through a wall, Juggernaut-style. The wall, known to many within the pro-wrestling industry as "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes, was quickly taken to a local medical facility. I was going to give the title of “least important news bit” to DDP posing with Michael Myers, but I've got a soft spot for horror movie madmen. Wrestlers-turned-yoga gurus? Not so much. Yoga's on my shitlist because I can't throw my leg around my neck like a scarf.

Well, this column turned out to be quite a bit shorter than I expected, but seeing as this is my first for TWF, you all should consider yourselves lucky. This has been Deadface Walking, I have been Catherine Perez, and you have probably been sleeping since the first sentence (BASTARD!).

SEND FEEDBACK TO CATHERINE PEREZ

Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out.  She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth.  Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).