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REMY
REMY   

Thursday February 9, 2006 12:00AM

How Vince McMahon Will Change the World.

Now, with all of the time in between my columns, you must imagine that I have plenty of opportunity to come up with new and exciting introductions! Well, you’d be wrong. Truthfully, my life is exceedingly boring!! But hey, who the hell said any of you were interested in my life anyway? But then, how do I lead you into my column, without blowing my proverbial “load” in the first few paragraphs? Is “blowing your load” even a proverb? I sure as hell hope it’s not, now that I think about it. Could you imagine that being used as a proverb?

 “Father, how to I handle *insert problem here*?”

           

“Well son, just remember not to blow your load!”

I’ll leave it up to you to figure out what type of situation one might encounter a conversation like that. Somehow, I picture Eugene Levy in the role of the father. Anyway … if all else fails, I guess I’ll just ramble. Happy introduction everyone, and to all, a something something! Sorry, I was distracted by some “Girls Gone Wild” commercial. Apparently, there are girls somewhere, and they’re going wild! Why wasn’t I informed of this sooner!? And for only $10? Man, what a glorious world we live in. To top it all off, they’re showing the old Hercules movies on Spike TV with Kevin Sorbo. I’m confused though, how did Dylan Hunt get sent back in time? Or … how the fuck did Hercules get a spaceship?

Well, as wonderful a world as this may be, Vincent K. McMahon intends to make it even better. Eddie Guerrero’s death really hit home with many in the WWE, and this tragic event became the quintessential wake-up-call for many. Vince was one of those “many.” Don’t worry I have no intention of making some tasteless joke about the death of a beloved wrestler. I didn’t even know Eddie personally, the way Vince did, but who would take advantage of such an awful situation like that? Oh, wait …

We all have our flaws so don’t judge Vince for his. After all, he has the best of intentions. Maybe he has unusual coping strategies for loss? Regardless, it did inspire him to make sure the rest of his athletes stayed healthy. We all heard about Vince’s super serious, entirely legitimate, and completely sincere new drug testing policy. He wouldn’t lie to us about something like that, surely! Just watch as he … destroys his entire business by eliminating the one thing that keeps his wrestlers going? Erm … hey, he’s the “billionaire,” I’m sure he knows what he’s doing. BUT, this isn’t enough for ‘ol McMahon. No, it’s merely the first step of many in Vince’s plan to radically improve the entire world.

Vince’s first goal is that he is apparently personally researching a cure for AIDS. Lita is said to be ecstatic. How will Vince succeed where years of other attempts have failed? First, he plans to convince AIDS to buy out its only real competition, cancer. Afterwards, Vince will slyly recommend that AIDS undergoes a viral “extension,” thereby making it two viruses. “Surely,” Vince will say, “this will make you more potent, more exciting.” Of course, once AIDS has watered itself down by doing this, it will be a prime target for the all new “TNA” anti-virus, which is as yet largely unknown to the public. Okay, so Vince isn’t actually responsible for this happening. However, he will try to take credit for it … somehow. Or, perhaps, he just DESERVES some credit for it in an indirect way …

And yes, even I can’t believe I just compared the WWE to AIDS. Then again … they BOTH prevent people from ever getting laid again …

That’s certainly a tough act to follow, but Vince has never been one to back down from a challenge. He’s also going to create world peace, and he’ll start where the world needs it the most: theMiddle East. Vince knows damn well what could solve the major dispute between Israel and Palestine … a wrestling match! It’s so simple it’s no wonder they haven’t thought of it sooner, but surely its brilliance cannot be denied. Obviously a first blood match would impossible, since first blood was drawn a real long fucking time ago (I would say at least a few months, possibly YEARS). Anyway, why do they really even care who grows the best potatoes … or is that Ireland? Who cares, they’re all the same heathen scum anyway! Praise Allah. Or is that Allayayealeeyaleehaleehaa! Why the hell did they ever let Hassan go? He’s good for so many jokes. Anyway, Vince has decided the match should be a nuke on a poll match SERIES, best two out of three. Somehow, I don’t see it going past the first match, but that’s just me.

INTERLUDE

So your girlfriend has dragged you to Brokeback Mountain … now what?

How many of you out there are wondering this very same question? Well, if you’ve got a girlfriend at all, you’re doing better than most, but I’m still willing to offer some words of wisdom, should the above situation arise.

Step 1) Dump your girlfriend.

Step 2) If step one fails, admit you are gay, or just give your girlfriend your testicles now.

Step 3) Hook up with her sister for revenge. Or … hook up with her brother if you chose the first part of step two.

Hope that helps!

END INTERLUDE

It’s been well documented that Vince likes to diversify his interests in the business world. He’s currently trying to get movies made for many of his WWE superstars, and we all remember the great football league that was the XFL. Vince’s next business venture is set to be … religion? That’s right, he’s set to turn religion into the most lucrative business we’ve ever seen since … religion! Apparently, with so many former wrestlers like Dibiase becoming religions, and current stars as well, like HBK, Vince already has a great way of legitimately connecting himself to the world of religion. If L. Ron Hubbard can get Scientology to take off, surely Vince can convince just as many to follow his church of McMahonology! His principles will be simple: nothing you do can be logical, you must practice nepotism, you must have a huge ego, and you must give up all your worldly possessions to the church in order to achieve true happiness*.

*happiness as defined by the church of McMahonology : jobbing to Nunzio on Velocity … if you’re fucking lucky, would be an appropriate comparison if you were also a wrestler.

 

Many of you have noticed, and I know it’s hard to believe, but Vince is starting to get older. I’m sorry, but it’s true. He’s a grandfather even, and who knows how much time he might have left. Vince is a selfless man though, and he has no intention of depriving us of his glorious presence. So Vince’s next big goal is going to be to overcome death itself! Vince’s strategy is to actually hire Death as a wrestler. After that, it’s time to push Death, having him dominate the competition. But Vince will use psychology on Death to make him feel insecure, thus pushing him towards steroids, drinking, and soma. And you’re probably thinking this leads to Death dying at the young age of 40-something due to an overdose, or enlarged heart, right? Well no. Vince shoots him with a shotgun, that’s why Death dies at the age of 40-something. Anyway, the world will rejoice as we all become immortal … unless you chop off your opponents head with a sword. There can be only one!

Vince has one last goal that he wants to achieve, and believe me this one looks to be the hardest of them all. Yes, harder than curing AIDS, solving the crisis in the Middle East , dominating religion, and even harder than overcoming Death. Of all his ambitions, this is the one with which he will need the most luck. You’ve probably guessed by now but are still in disbelief that Vince would attempt such a staggering feat as … getting Joe a date! Even with his millions of dollars Vince has been stumped for ages as to how to pull this miracle off. He’s even got a staff of beautiful women who seemingly heed his every command, on camera even, and yet … no luck! But Vince is a sly fox, and his plan to get Joe some action is simple, yet elegant. He’s going to tell Lita that Joe is from Mexico.

Folks, that’s it for another Diatribe. And hey, you didn’t even have to wait five months this time! Thanks for taking time out of your day to sit down and read my insane ramblings. It’s always a pleasure to get feedback from any and all of you, as I have been lucky to receive most especially after my last column. So, thanks for the encouragement! Swing by the forums and shoot the shit with us and/or tell me how great/awful you thought this column was. We’re always happy to hear from new people as well, so if you’ve never posted in our forums before, now is a great time to start, as things seem to be really picking up. Also, DEFINITELY check out the other front-page writers. There’s a brand new Bacon up that’s a must read, as well as the consistently great columns such as Walker's White Vans and Candy and Joe Merrick’s Low Blow. Huge thanks to Sean for the photoshop, and like always, for letting me be a part of the TWF family. Take care, and as always, I remain,

 Remy

NEW FEATURE:

  

The Eligible Gentleman’s Dating Guide for Wrestling Fans

Hey, it’s no secret that relationships are difficult, and we all need a little advice from time to time! This new feature is intended to provide answers and advice for any situation imaginable to help you wade through the shark infested waters of the dating world. As wrestling fans, we have unique problems to struggle through, when it comes to the opposite sex, but they can be overcome! Hopefully, the interlude included above in this column has already proved of some use.

So, here’s an open invitation to everyone reading this column: send me your dating/relationship questions, and I will share my wisdom with you in the next installment of my column! I also promise to keep it completely anonymous. Cheers, and good luck you “genetic jackhammer.”

 
Send Feedback to REMY
 

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

*Pics & logos created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).