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REMY
REMY   

January 19, 2006 12:00AM

How Kurt Angle became Emperor of the future.  

With an additional expose on why Mark Henry is so damn angry.

            Hello again, folks. It’s me once more, here on my own, just like you because you’re a wrestling geek (and therefore cannot get a date, as according to the IWC’s Ten Commandments). How will I fare without the great James Walker to support the rotting carcass that is my ability to write funny commentaries/satires about wrestling? Will you laugh, will you cry, will you do both, or will you find true love? The answers to all of these questions, AND MORE, are here for you.

Disclaimer: This column has no answers. In fact, you must sign a waiver before reading any further that says you agree that if this column makes you retarded (nine times out of ten in clinical studies) that the writer of said column holds ZERO responsibility for changing your soiled diapers and/or bathing you. Unless you’re a hot chick, in which case, sponge baths are my specialty! P.S. I earlier claimed this column had answers, for all of you ADHD folk out there … you know who you are. But really, I mentioned it in my last freaking paragraph. If you’ve forgotten already than … what was I talking about?

            Now that my horribly misleading intro is done (which I do because my columns really have very little content), allow me to present to you my premise! Recently, I was approached by a man who claimed to be a time traveler, whom I believed because he told me that Joe will have a sex change within a year and call himself Nay Jr. Evidence like that is difficult to refute. Anyway, this time traveler told me all about the future … one ruled by a mighty emperor named … Kurt Angle. I use a lot of  “…” don’t I? Well … that’s just how it … is.

            So, without further ado, I present to you my story about Kurt Angle taking over the future. And in all fairness, if you expect it to live up to James Walker’s piece where he re-created songs using WWE inspired lyrics, you will be as sorely disappointed as my last sexual partner … which is to say, VERY disappointed. And she was a fucking blow up doll. I think we should move on now.

Kurt Angle, ruler of all the known world and galaxy (discovered to me incredibly small after sending Big Show into space … who ate most of it) began his life in a little town called AWESOMEVILLE,Pennsylvania. And you can be sure that a man like Angle must have had some pretty extraordinary circumstances, growing up, that helped to shape him into the man he is today … erm, I mean, in the future. Most people don’t know this, but dinosaurs still existed in Awesomeville, while Kurt was a child. Don’t go looking for them though! There’s a story behind it that goes a little something like this:

One bright and sunny day, a young Kurt came bounding into the house. His mother, a homemaker by trade, was standing over the kitchen sink, staring blankly through the window with tear filled eyes. Kurt, not knowing how to best comfort his weeping mother, did what he does best … multiple German suplexes. Well, his poor ‘ol mom would never walk again, but she sure did forget about the dinosaurs that ravaged her garden, the cause of her earlier angst. Anyway, the hero of this epic, Kurt, put the ankle lock or sum shit on the dinosaurs and made them extinct. Meteor my ass.

This dinosaur slaying no doubt translated very well into Kurt’s professional life as a wrestler. In fact, it taught him how to deal creatures that have a brain the size of a walnut … the McMahons. And if you’re currently sitting there, wondering if you REALLY just read two paragraphs about Kurt Angle and dinosaurs …no, you didn’t. You read something funny, you laughed, and you sent me pictures of your naked girlfriend. Also, these are not the droids you’re looking for.

And now, a special interlude.

            Mark Henry. The name is synonymous with wrestling superstar. There can be no doubt he has made an enormous impact on the industry as a whole, and continues to do so to this day. Highlights of his career include some of the best stuff that WWE has ever produced. Mae Young giving birth to a hand, for instance, will always be ingrained in our memories as one of wrestling’s finest moments. And we owe it all to Henry. At this time, I cannot come up with other great moments from Henry’s illustrious career, but let me assure you, that’s entirely the fault of this writer’s feeble memory. The fact alone that, in 1996, Mark Henry was signed to a massive ten-year contract should speak for itself. Surely, in all of that time, there can be no doubt that anyone could have achieved some things very worthy of noting. But, this is not just “anyone,” this is MARK HENRY we’re talking about. Even more impressively, Henry’s accomplishments actually transcend wrestling. As many of you are surely aware, he has a film that was recently released, and has been tearing up the box office. That’s correct, he stars in the blockbuster that is King Kong.

            Trivia question: What role does Henry play in his recent release, King Kong?

            Now, with all of his success, one must ask the question “why, then, is Mark Henry so angry?” Is it because I forgot to mention that he is the world’s strongest man? Perhaps, but a more likely reason is that the poor guy simply cannot get a good nights sleep anymore. You see, Henry loved the Booker Bear that WWE released a couple of years ago, so much so, that he took it to bed with him every night. To his dismay, however, his precious instrument of comfort and relaxation was destroyed in a horrible accident while in the dryer. It was much too graphic to be described here. And would you believe it? The nefarious crooks at WWE have discontinued this innocent toy, depriving Henry of even replacing his dearly departed friend. I would be grumpy too, were I in his shoes! At the very least, I hope this brief expose has been enlightening for all you fans out there, and given you a deeper insight into the complex mind of one of wrestling’s greatest stars, Mark Henry.

End Interlude.

            And now, for the conclusion of Kurt Angle’s rise to power. You see, some time in 2010, Kurt has himself elected supreme chancellor in the Senate, after the threat of the droid army appears too great for the fumbling Republic to overcome. Actually, that might be Star Wars. It actually went a little something like this:

Mr. Kurt Goes to Washington

            We’ve all heard Kurt’s recent rantings about the troops, and the injustice of the war in Iraq. Mr. Angle is not a man of merely hollow words, however, and in the near future, he decides to take some action! Showing up at a senate meeting, Kurt is quick to dispose of everyone in the room, breaking ankles and suplexing senators straight to Hell. Perhaps, finally, the tyranny is over?

            No.

            Just then, George W. Bush shows up, President of the United States, and master of Kung Fu! In his corner, Bush Sr., a master of … well, nothing. But he has a gun or something, okay? A ref runs in from nowhere, and we have a match! Bush’s title as President is on the line, and the odds look stacked against Angle. Davairi makes it just in time to neutralize Bush Sr., and things begin to look up for Kurt.

            Bush and Kurt lock up. Bush turns it into a belly-to-belly suplex, and Kurt is down. Wasting no time, Bush goes for a chair, but he takes too long and Kurt is back up. He grabs the chair and slams it down hard on Bush’s head. And we have blood! Bush is wearing the crimson mask as Angle applies the ankle lock. Bush is tapping like crazy, and the ref rings the bell. Your winner, and NEW President of the United States, KURT ANGLE!!

            Kurt’s real achievement, however, was afterwards being elected King of Canada. Once he had Canada’s support, the rest of the world quickly bowed down before him! And that, folks, is the story of how Kurt Angle came to rule the world.

            Well, there you have it! I finally got off my ass and finished another Diatribe. Hope you all enjoyed it, and as always, if you’ve read this far, many thanks. All patronage is extremely appreciated, and it has been wonderful to have many of you encourage me to stop being so fucking lazy. Please drop by our wonderful forums and share your comments with us. Any feedback is great. Also, don’t forget to check out the other writers on the main page, they’ve got some of the most consistently fantastic and funny writing out there. Big thanks again to Mr. Carless for the photoshops, and for not firing me despite my laziness. I love you man, but not in a prison-love kind of way. Take care, and as always, I remain,

Remy

 
 

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

*Pics & logos created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).