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REMY
 

Saturday September 3, 2005 12:00AM

WWE’s New Politically Correct Direction

Folks, I know I haven’t posted anything in a while. I had two columns up in good fashion, and then … nothing. And I won’t lie to you. It’s important, as a man, to take responsibility in life. That’s why I want to put the blame squarely where it belongs: on Spongebob Squarepants.

 

Okay, that makes no fucking sense, but I stand by my claim.

However, we’re wrestling fans right? Things don’t need to make sense to us. And guess what? They don’t! And I know you’re thinking “gee, thanks for the newsflash asshole,” but bear with me for a bit here, I’m going, as they say, “somewhere.” And, unless you’re retarded (or should I say “mentally challenged” … … ah … no, I shouldn’t, fuck the whiners), the title of this column gives it away entirely. Or does it?

 No.

Naturally, wrestling has a history of being anything BUT politically correct. So why would that change? Well, apparently, Vince has grown a vagina. We may be used to storylines not making sense, but one constant has simply been that Vince will do anything to garner attention. And to me, there has been one recent event that, more than anything else lately, does not make sense. That is simply, the disappearance of Muhammad Hassan. Hassan has a ton and a half of potential, and not Test or Billy Gunn “potential,” the REAL stuff. And yet, WWE has turned their back on him because of some … controversy? Some nonsensical storylines are one thing (forgivable even), but this is really fucking nuts.

 The only conclusion I can come to is that things are changing in the WWE. We can’t take it for granted anymore that they will follow traditional patterns. In fact, I believe this Hassan incident is the first wave in WWE’s decision to head in a politically correct direction. Why else would they avoid something that anyone can so clearly see has touched on a nerve, not just amongst wrestling fans, but amongst the mainstream? Incidentally, I have contacted my sources within the WWE and pulled a few strings to find out exactly what changes you can expect so see in the immediate future.

The first thing to go, obviously, is WWE.com. 95% (statistic has no merit, research not done) of the internet is pornography. And WWE certainly could NOT be associated with pornography. Which is why they most definitely did not just post a lingerie pillow fight on their main page because it was “too hot for network T.V.” Plus, hey, the internet is full of all those geeks who live at home in their parents basement that WWE doesn’t care about. Oh … oh, uh, but I didn’t mean … you guys …

 Of course, getting rid of the website is the easy part, since WWE’s biggest challenge will be cleaning up their on-air image. See, television networks know where their bread is buttered, and a huge part of American audiences is down South in what’s called “the bible belt.” As a result, you can say goodbye to Carlito’s Cabana, Christian’s Peep Show, Piper’s Pit, etc, etc. Proof of this can already be seen with the firing ofJericho, since the Highlight Reel is the first casualty. But what’s the connection between the bible thumpers and the abolition (not abortion) of these talk segments? Well, say hello to the NEW talk segment that will replace them all. Hosted by the one and only HBK, it’s … Groovin’ with God! During this segment, HBK will pick one member from the audience who has some type of illness or disability. Then, he will heal them with the power of God by superkicking the shit out of them. Hell, it jump-started Hogan’s heart long enough for him to bleed during their match, didn’t it?

 The next thing to go will be the intro music used at the beginning of both Raw and Smackdown, as well as a change in the theme songs used for various PPV’s and wrestler’s entrances. RVD, for example, will now enter the ring to his new theme music, Puff the Magic Dragon. Edge has really taken a different direction in his music, going from hard rock to … this: http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/lyrics/ilovetrash.htm (go ahead and hum that little diddy to yourself). Your guess is as good as mine as to why WWE gave him that song. And finally, Chris Masters has adopted the old Kermit the Frog classic, It’s Not That Easy Being Green. That’s right, they are all children’s songs (which took HOURS of research to find for this satire … I swear. Are you calling me lazy?).

 Unfortunately, even those with medical conditions will be targeted if deemed offensive. Of course, we all know the story of the loveable Eugene. But that’s not who I’m talking about. Nope. The person I’m referring to is … Ric Flair. What? You think the networks feel comfortable with him in matches, his man-boobs flopping around all over the place? Hell no. Yup, that’s right, I went back to the Ric Flair boob jokes.

 Now, speaking of talent, this whole piece started because of the Hassan situation. And, unfortunately, Hassan will not be the only casualty (along with Flair’s ability to go topless). Clearly, the networks are insecure about stirring up any international stresses, given their extreme paranoia. Therefore, all foreigners are to be “dealt with.” Of course, one of the most offensive is Rene Dupree. He’s French. And network executives know damn well that Americans dislike the French almost as much as they dislike the Arabs. Expect to see him in an angle where he taps out within ten seconds of the start of every match (whether his opponent has even laid a hand on him or not), and then fired. Of course, all other ethnic groups will be fired as well, which started when Orlando Jordan lost the US title. How long until they job out Carlito and ship him back to wherever he was from … (Africa, according to Vince)?

 My source has also informed me that all WWE divas will be released. And the biggest question this raises in my mind is: why would the WWE want to get rid of HBK and Hogan after that great match at Summerslam? But on the bright side, with all the money WWE will be saving now that they don’t have to pay for diva searches and salaries they can hire back all of the REAL wrestlers that they’ve recently let go … except the foreign ones (unless Vince needs another jobber).

           

 The last of the changes that have been made so far is a doozy. In fact, it involves the WWE championship. You see, John Cena does this “hip hop” thing, and frankly, that is both controversial, and popular amongst ethnic groups. Some Eminem guy has also been known to use the occasional bit of foul language, or so I’ve heard, and he’s into that hippity hop. This also means that the tag team MNM will have to be renamed (if they aren’t fired or dead soon … I’m betting the latter). But I got sidetracked there, back to the title. WWE is certainly going to have to find a new champ, and right now the next man in line is … Kerwin White! This will coincide perfectly with the release of his highly anticipated audio CD (which I’ll be reviewing soon). Ten times better than Cena’s CD, let me assure you.

Well folks, that’s it for another Diatribe. Thanks to those of you who made it this far. You are all truly winners. Unless you’re not really a winner. Reading this actually has very little bearing on that. As always, feedback is enormously appreciated, either by e-mail or (and please visit our forums) here. Big thanks to Sean Carless, as always, for the photoshops and the opportunity to post my writing here. He’s a swell guy, no matter what his mother says. Lastly, don’t forget to take a look at the other writers on the main page, and check out my other top sites, listed here: www.thehonkytonkman.com, www.wrestlesource.net, and www.lethalwrestling.com.

Take care, and as always, I remain,

Remy/Adam

And now, it’s a very special Story Time with Adam.

            So there I am standing by the front desk at work, which happens to be a local museum. Now, this might sound pretty boring, but I ended up working with some really cute girls. No, no, this doesn’t turn into a “Dear Penthouse.” Shit, I bet I just lost a lot of readers there. Anyway, one particular day, very recently, we had a musician in. She had come all the way up to the Yukon from Vancouver. About half way through her set she starts telling us about her favourite metaphor when writing songs. Highly original, it was that of … get this … a ROAD. Wow. Very innovative stuff. And then she says “ we’re all trying to get somewhere and we’re always in a rush, but really, where are we going? Let’s be realistic here.” Yup, blew my fucking mind right there. Anyway, I just had to share that fantastic advice with you. Okay, it wasn’t really advice. I don’t really know what it is, but … there you go! Cheers!

 
 

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

*Pics & logos created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).