Brock’s Secret meeting with Vince McMahon Revealed!

Hey folks, I’m back! Hell, I’m just as surprised (disappointed for some, perhaps) as you that I churned out one of these things, let alone two. Maybe this will become as regular as the time I went on an all raisin bran and prune juice diet. Okay … maybe not quite that regular. Forget the prune juice and throw in some bacon, lots and lots of bacon (not to be confused with this guy. )Anyway, hopefully once a week one of these columns will be produced. However, if you only take a shit once a week, you might want to see your doctor and/or consume more fibre (friendly tip: you should eat 25g of fibre per day!). Ahem, okay, so maybe the bowel movement analogy doesn’t work so well, but you get the idea.

Well, I’m sure you’ve all heard about WWE.com’s simply amazing scoop about Brock Lesnar’s apparent meeting with Vince McMahon. As lucky as you might think they’ve been in getting such fantastic inside information, I’ve been even luckier. You see, while they’ve got tidbits of a conversation with Brock from AFTER the meeting, I’ve got the complete (with some parts left out, mostly the good stuff) transcript of their entire discussion. I know WWE.com’s crack staff of reporters is going to be turning green with envy when they hear out about this!

How do I keep getting all this top-secret info, you ask? I’d tell you it’s because I’m sleeping with Lita, but really, who isn’t? Ha, see how I totally avoided that question? I rock, even if that has become a cliché by now. Anyway, without further ado, here are the events as they happened (with some embellishments on my part to spice things up, but fuck it, that’s creative licence and you honestly won’t be able to tell anyway, it’s far too subtle):

* Brock walks into an inconspicuous meeting room. Vince is sitting at a table. It is also inconspicuous. Vince is wearing an inconspic … damnit, a suit.  It’s gray *

Brock: Why, good afternoon, Vincent.

Vince: Yo Brock, wassup my nigga?

Editor’s note: Right, so they wouldn’t have talked quite like this. Think subtle, think subtle. I can do this.

Brock: How’s the family?

Vince: Well, you know, Linda’s never been the same since that colonoscopy went awry, but everyone else is still doing well. Shane’s finally over his latest boyfriend, and he’s handled it well. He’s still stinging from Warriror’s comment that “queering don’t make the world work,” though. He’s also still stinging from that case of syphilis that Warrior gave him! And Steph is still getting fa … more voluptuous every day. We thought she was pregnant for a while, but the fetus has completely no sold it, so far. We’re pretty sure it’s Trip’s.

Brock: Still fucked up then.

Vince: What was that?

Brock: I said, “I had sushi for lunch.”

Vince: Ah, okay then, good stuff. Oh yeah, how’s Skeletor … erm, I mean, Sable?

* Vince thinks to himself: “I still think we missed out on a great feud between Sable and HHH. I mean, Skeletor vs. He-Man (which you can find rationale for HERE.) It would have been ratings GOLD!”  *  

Editor’s note: And yes, I can fucking read minds, okay? Got a problem with that?

Brock: We, uh, broke up, Vince. Didn’t you hear about that?

Editor’s note: Who’s writing this thing anyway? Me! That’s who. If you’re uncomfortable with my ability to read minds then you can just fuck right off.

Vince: Sorry to hear that.

Brock: It’s cool. Hey, lets get down to business anyway, shall we?

Editor’s note: And another thing, just because I’m new to this doesn’t mean I   don’t have feelings. It hurts me deep inside when my integrity is questioned like that. Okay, perhaps I just have gas right now, but it still hur … well, it’s uncomfortable, damnit. Now where did I put the Pepto …

Vince: Right, you’re contract is all set. We’re going to slowly “leak” some information to WWE.com though to make them look really important and all “insider.” It’s time we … mmmph * snicker* respected our internet fans.

Brock: Sounds great. I’ll just sign on the dotted line then …

* Just then, suddenly, a group of Mexican wrestlers burst into the office and attempt to kill Vince and Brock! *

INTERLUDE

Breaking news just in! Muhammad Hassan and Daivari are TERRORISTS!

The events that led to this shocking revelation are just coming in now. Apparently, while travelling, a gun was found in Matt Hardy’s bag. There was a letter inside that clearly stated that Matt intended to first kill Lita and Edge, and then himself.

Obviously, this was Muhammad Hassan’s doing (with Daivari as his co-conspirator). All evidence indicates that Hassan is clearly ARAB-AMERICAN. Therefore, he is a terrorist, and will be confined by police immediately for trying to board an airplane with a loaded gun. More on this as it develops.

END INTERLUDE

* Brock kills the Mexican wrestlers. Yup, that’s it. You thought he was fucked, didn’t you? Hahaha, got you! *

Vince: Damn NWA:TNA, always sending those little buggers after me. Although, at least they can pull off a shooting star press without fucking it up …

Brock: See, this shit is why I quit in the first place.

Vince: What’s that?

Brock: I said, “I had sushi for lun … dinner too.”

Vince: Jesus, you really love that stuff.

HBK: Did someone say my name?

Vince: Damn that’s eerie. Every fucking time. No, Michaels. Go back to sniffing coke off that stripper’s ass.

Brock: Riiight, well, I’ve signed the contract, so we’re all set.

* And with that, Vince and Brock sailed away into the suns … no wait, that sounds gay. Uh, they shook hands and went to join Michaels. And as they laughed the night away the stockings hung by the fireplace and a lone candle lit the room where the tree stood tall next to the table with the milk and cookies. They had truly learned the meaning of Christmas. *

Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say the new Fantastic Four movie sucks balls! Oh, also, this has been a very interesting look at the behind the scenes of the WWE. So, despite WWE.com’s coyness, I think it’s safe to say that we’ll be seeing Brock back on television very soon. And if that HBK thing at the end was correct, then I think we just MAY see a Michaels heel turn in the very near future (please do not e-mail me correcting me on this bit. I know damn well that HBK is a devout Christian, but it could happen …).

Thanks to those of you who read this. If you feel it worthy you can feel free to e-mail me some feedback, or if you’d prefer, you can post it HERE. The kind comments from my debut were much appreciated, so thanks as well to all of you who took the time for that. Lastly, a huge thanks goes to Sean Carless for letting me post on this great site and, of course, the hilarious photoshops. Salutations, and until next time, I remain,

Remy.