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By Anthony Dean
Welcome everyone to Cyber Sunday! Tonight, for one night only, the people have the power! The people with enough money to afford it, that is! But they're people just like you! Only better! Put down your Tracfone, prole. That shit is ridiculous.

And tonight I will feature an EXCLUSIVE recap of a match not seen on Cyber Sunday! Oh, I'll feed you, baby birds. No I'm not going to just make shit up, I mean the free pre-show match on wwe.com! Tonight's pre-show will feature Smackdown's exciting black division. They can only fight with eachother (so not too many of them can win) and they're not allowed to compete for major heavyweight titles, but their title is their own prestige. It's like the old cruiserweight division, only filled up with a different minority. The voting for this is to decide who will face United States Champion Shelton Benjamin - MVP, R Truth, or, um, Festus. Not quite sure why he's in there. I guess because each show is allowed a maximum of only three black guys on the roster. Any more would scare Vince. The winner with the overwhelming majority of the vote is of course R Truth. Festus somehow managed to score a quarter of the vote, and MVP was in the single digits. Poor, obscenely overpaid MVP.
United States Champion Shelton Benjamin vs R Truth

They start off even but Truth quickly takes control with that hip hoppin' breakdance style that all the kids from 1988 were into. Shelton regains the advantage with legitimate wrestling moves, but Killings is quick to thwart that with spinning and flipping. Spinning torpedo forearm puts Benji down and Truth goes up, but Shelty Spidermans up, only to get Falcon Punched right back down. (Shoulder-mounted) missle dropkick connects for two, but Shelton hits Paydirt for the quick pinfall.

Winner : Shelton Benjamin

Well allright. Now aren't you glad I didn't rob you of that one? Onto the actual show! The intro is of a bunch of wrestlers saying who cares about WWE, then threatening us for not voting. Evan Bourne looks like a small homosexual child. We go LIVE to the pyro and there's a giant cellphone Titantron. Shit's worse than the old keyboard stage. Rey Mysterio is out first in a skull Halloween mask. If he really wanted to scare some kids he should've just went out there without any mask at all. The announcers disc uss the various names for a hardcore match that fans could have voted for (No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere, Two Out of Three Falls.) Tard Grisham is out on the stage next to announce that fans voted for the No Holds Barred match, far and away the shittiest choice. Kane is out next and charges at the bell.

Kane vs Rey Mysterio, NO HOLDS BARRED

Right off Rey dodges a Kane clothesline which sends him tumbling over the top rope. Rey follows with a senton and he raids under the ring, unearthing a kendo stick which he uses to chase Kane back into the ring between exaggerated thwacks. Flimsy oversized stop sign shot is stopped with a big boot and Kane slides Rey across the ring into the ringpost. Kane wraps Rey's body around the pole, stretches him out, and generally tears his ass up for a while. That was the most unsettling sentence I've ever written. "YAY! NO CENA!" sign is on display right there in the front row. How did that slip by? I thought Old Grandfather was always watching. Backbreaker to torture rack thing on Kane's knee leads to Rey eventually escaping, only to get nailed IN THE JAW with the stop sign. For the record, the sign hit his head, not his jaw. But you knew that. Rey continues to show signs of life, only to repeatedly be put down. The exact same backbreaker submission spot occurs again. Rey escapes, again.

Rey poledances on Kane's body before delivering a bulldog followed by an enziguri to Kane's shoulder that sends him into the ropes. He goes for the 619 but Kane whips around and plants him with a clothesline. This only gets two, so Kane goes out and starts flipping shit over until he finds a chair. He walks in with it positioned firmly in front of his face, which Rey innovatively and unexpectedly kicks into his face. DDT and Rey grabs the chair, jumps up holding the chair under his ass, and lands on Kane ch air-first for two. Rey goes up top for a crossbody into an uppercut by Kane for another nearfall, which sends Kane out to flip more shit over. This time it's the quarter-ton hollow steel steps, which he hurls over his head and into the ring. He positions them in the corner and looks to throw Rey into them but Mysterio escapes. Chokeslam attempt is reversed with a drop toehold that sends Kane into the steps, followed by a springboard seated senton for two. Rey with chairshots to Kane's lower body, because th at's as high as he can lift the chair. These sends Kane into 619 position but Kane escapes and catches Rey in a goozle, but Rey reverses with a hurricarana to again set Kane up in the ropes. 619 connects and the springboard splash seals the win.

Winner : Rey Mysterio

After the match Rey scampers up the ramp . Why are these guys fighting again? Because Kane hates Rey's mask? Despite me not giving a fuck about or understanding the feud, okay match, nothing really worth seeing.

Next we get Michelle McCool stripping backstage in camo, IN HONOR OF OUR TROOPS. Katie Lea is a vampire. The Asian girl is an Asian. Candice is Marilyn Monroe, because they both did porn. Playboy spread in 1955 = Hotel Erotica in 2005. And in 2055, even Mickie James' weird shit will look tame. In the back now, Jericho runs into Priceless and Umaga's homeless retarded brother (not Umaga). Jericho says he knows what it's like to be disaspekded by GM Adamle. He says if they want to take it to the next level, t hey should do what they did to Punk at Unforgiven to Batista tonight. Cody Rhodes says fuck off, they only do Orton's bidding, and Dibiase pats Jericho's ass. Hmm.

Tard introduces ECW General Manager Theodore Long and his current employed cocksucker, who come out dancing. ECW is legit, you guys. Long introduces the ECW Champ Matt Hardy, who is out with his belt of stainless steel, and not gold, because he's a rebel. And ECW is hemorrhaging money. Matt Striker and Tard will be calling this match. The vote was for Hardy's opponent tonight. Your choices : Finlay, Evan Bourne, or Mark Henry. AND THE WINNER IS........ Evan Bourne with 69% of the vote. Finlay scored a solid quarter of votes, and Mark Henry...6%. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. With ECW's audience, that comes out to like, what, one person who voted for him? When the fuck did Tony Atlas learn to operate a cell phone? Next thing you know he'll be cooking store-bought food on a stove instead of roasting a freshly speared animal over an open fire. In an accountant shirt.

Evan Bourne vs ECW Champion Matt Hardy, ECW Championship match

Why the fuck is there a bird sillhouette on the ECW belt? Is it because ECW "rose from the ashes?" Because that'd be like a regular guy being killed and coming back as an obese retarded midget with no body hair and a micropenis, or a woman. Evan Bourne makes Hardy look huge as he puts Bourne down with shoulder blocks, but Bourne catches Matt with a dropkick to the jaw. Big Hardy chant starts up as Bourne puts him locks in a headlock. Hardy pins Bourne three or four times in a row by just holding his hands d own to the mat. Evan Bourne comes back with his own ridiculous series of useless rollups and pin attempts before transitioning into a series of kicks, followed by a headscissors. He goes for a springboard something but Hardy just clotheslines his ass out of the ring. Back inside, another clothesline gets two and Matt goes for a corner bulldog but Bourne keeps Hardy running and sends him into the opposite turnbuckle. Arm submission on the ground and Bourne remains in control. Amazing standing moonsault score s two for Bourne and he goes back to working the arm. We are informed that Bourne can dunk a basketball. No word on whether the hoop is manufactured by Little Tykes or Playskool.

Swift kick puts Hardy down and Bourne goes up top but Hardy rolls all the way across and out of the ring. Bourne follows across to the apron and looks for a moonsault but Hardy counters and slams Bourne onto the outside. This gets two back in the ring and Hardy dominates with power moves for the first time in his life. Elbow from the second rope gets a cautious two count because all refs have been put on notice regarding Matt Hardy's secondary moves. Hardy continues enjoying his power trip and looks for a c rucifix powerbomb but Bourne counters with a hurricarana. A pair of Side Effects gets Matt another set of hesitant two counts. Hardy goes up for another elbow but Bourne counters with a heelkick. EVAN counters a whip to the corner with a leap off the top turnbuckle, clotheslining Matt for two. More heelkicks get more nearfalls. Bourne goes up top and Matt tries to counter but Bourne swats him down and connects with knees to Hardy's head off the top rope for two. How do you fake a dude landing on your head w ith his fucking knees? Series of reversals and nearfalls culminate in Bourne going up top. Hardy is up to slug it out with him but gets knocked back down again. EVAN IS AIRBORNE with a Shooting Star Press that misses. Hardy is up for a Twist of Fate attempt which gets countered, but Hardy recounters into a successful Twist of Fate for the pinfall.

Winner and STILL ECW Champion : Matt Hardy

Tard calls the match an instant classic. Nope. I mean it was certainly good, but, come on.

Hey, if you somehow have money left over from all these pay per views and dollar-a-vote texting, Wrestlemania tickets go on sale in a couple weeks! We get an update on more Diva costumes. Beth Phoenix is a warrior or something. Jillian is a very annoying Bat Girl. Maria is a retarded rabbit (not Effrim). Kelly is a gangbangable sailor. It's not too late to vote~!

Tag match time. WHICH WILL IT BE?! A mixed tag featuring lower-midcarders? A Tag Title match featuring buried former World and Intercontinental Champions respectively challenging for the titles? Nope. The one about the internet talk shows.

Cryme Tyme vs John Morrison & The Miz

I'll admit it. I have been following this feud. Yes, on wwe.com. I'll say it and not even give a shit - The Dirt Sheet rap music video was awesome. And I am twelve. Seriously, how can you not be into this? It's a classic feud with so many elements! East Coast vs West Coast, White vs Black, Palace of Wisdom vs GED School. It's been done a million times before for a reason (not Brian Gerwitz.)

Morrison and JTG to start off. JTG gets early crowd support with a "YEEEAAAAH" and takes to intimidating Morrison with his ABM act. Fluid wrestling between the two ensue. Very nice series of successful moves and reversals. And then Miz got the tag. Shad is in also to crush Miz in the East corner and slam him to the ground. Quick back and forth tags and doubleteams made by both teams and the match remains even until Morrison rolls out of the ring and Miz is tossed out to join him. Shad hurls JTG onto him and JTG celebrates this betrayal by high-fiving JR at ringside. "Money money yeah yeah" chant starts up in the crowd that, despite looking predominantly white, doesn't sound like that "cracker voice" done by virtually every black comic ever. Shad gets beat on in the West corner as MNMT continue the double team and quick tags, working over Shad's knee. Miz sees minimal ring time here, which is always a good thing. Single leg crap by Morrison in the middle of the ring is countered by Shad's ability to do a push up, but Miz gets the tag quickly enough to lock in a leg lock. Which of course gets immediately countered.

JTG tags in and is all over the ring, knocking Morrison off the apron and going up to launch at Miz, but Morrison is on the apron for the distraction and Miz is up to send him flying out of the ring. JTG gets rolled back in for a two count and Morrison gets the tag, leading to MNMT executing a double gutbuster. Classic (read : generic) heel team offense from here. Morrison connects with a Shining Wizard (Shaman?) for two. Miz is in next with a hard knee shot in the corner. He tries to springboard JTG into M orrison's forearm on the apron but JTG knocks Mr Nohjo Risin off instead. Hot tag and Shad is in dominating as JTG lays dead in the ring. Huge flapjack on Johnny but Morrison dodges a corner charge and almost scores the pinfall by using the ropes as JTG makes the save. Spinebuster gets two for Cryme Tyme as Miz saves this time. Shad goes for a suplex but Miz lands a quick kick to the back of Shad's knee and Morrison hits the "Midnight Ride" (Cole, who else) for the pinfall.

Winner : Morrison and Miz

"Sister Tiffany" is in a slutty nun outfit with crosses all over it. She says she'll send us to Heaven. I'm fucking agnostic and I'm offended. Natalya is dressed up as ODB, if ODB were dressed as a bulldyke cop. Some woman I've never seen before is an Egyptian. Last is Eve, who is a Ninja Turtle, which would be awesome, except she went as Rafael. The only one worse than Rafael is Michelangelo, and that's not even by much. Fucking gay.

Jericho is still politicking backstage, asking someone to be in his corner "just to make sure tonight's match is fair." The camera pans and it's Khali, who says fuck off in his native tongue. John Cena return video package with music that goes back and forth between a twanging banjo and a dull ominous bass. He'll be returning at Survivor Series, meaning, look for him to get beat down by somebody when he returns to Raw in the weeks leading up to Survivor Series so he can defeat them at Survivor Series.

Santino Marella is out next with Beth Phoenix. Santino calls for the Honk-A-Meter to be released, and the graphic appears on the screen. Honky Tonk Man was Intercontinental Champion for 64 weeks. Santino has been champ for 11 weeks. He's close. Santino calls Phoenix, Arizona the Has Been capital of the world and lists some washed up athletes that moved here when they retired, including Shazam O'Neal. Cut to Shaq who is in the front row, cutting his throat. Santino keeps things moving quickly as he demands t o know who will face "The Champion of Earth" tonight. Piper is in the back ready to fight. Goldust is making kissy faces. Honky is holding his stringless guitar. Percentages are 34, 31, and 35, respectively. It's Honky. Rigged as shit. I was hoping it'd be Goldust or Rodney The Piper, just to fuck shit up. Honky comes out and gets in the ring and does his Elvis schtick to a Honky chant. He calls Santino "bad" because he can't sing or dance, and Santino will never be the champ that he was if he's champion fo r ten years. Because you just can't get away with constantly threatening to walk out if you don't go over these days. Incidentally, I'm sure Batista would have been fine if he was left off the card entirely like CM Punk was tonight. Anyway Honky calls for his music and he does some Elvis dancing. He asks Santino to dance, who is fucking awesome. He snakes over to Honky and hits him with a cheap shot to signal the start of the match.

Honky Tonk Man vs Santino Marella, Intercontinental Champion Match

Santino begs for mercy early on and Honky obliges, foregoing punches for headlocks. Honky runs the ropes and Beth Phoenix trips him up, drawing the immediate disqualification.

Winner but STILL not Intercontinental Champion : Honky Tonk Man

At least it was short. Santino takes this time to yell at his testosterone princess. Goldust's music hits and he walks down the ramp. Roddy Piper follows and both scare Tino back into the ring, where Honky greets him with a kick. Then everyone is in the ring taking potshots on Santino until Honky hits his finisher, a swinging neckbreaker. Wrestling in the 80s was a simpler time. It was a different time. It was a shittier time.

Video package for Raw's RECORD-BREAKING 800 episode celebration, a three hour long episode of Raw in a couple weeks. I know you're wondering it, so I'll just say it - because fuck you Cameron, that's why. More Halloween shit. Maryse is a French maid. Lena is Princess Leia. Victoria is a banana. She has maracas and does the peanut butter jelly time dance. Mickie James is Lara Croft, "our tomb raider." I'd raid her tomb, ivunowaddamean. And what I mean is fhuta.

Super long and uneventful Show-Taker video package consisting entirely of slowmo closeups on punches and Big Show beating up jobbers. Vickie Guerrero is out with her new slave Chavo Guerrero to push her wheelchair. She's rocking the neck brace again. The "Excuse me" hilariously gets a pop. She announces that WE have voted to see an I Quit Match... even though the percentages on the screen say Last Man Standing won. They take down the graphic and Vickie sputteringly attempts to cover her ass by repeating the choices several times. They put the graphic back up and she announces that the winning choice is the Last Man Standing match. We all knew that forty seconds ago while you were saying wrong shit. Thanks, though. After that awkward moment is done with, Taker makes his entrance. Shit LITERALLY takes three minutes. Oh my FUCKING God. Do you know how agonizing it is to watch an entrance for three minutes before a match that will be almost thirty minutes that I would pass up the chance to watch in .01 minutes?

Undertaker vs Big Show, Last Man Standing match

HERE IS THE ENTIRE FIRST HALF OF THIS MATCH : Punch, stomp, clothesline, headbutt, Irish whip, legdrop, chair.

A DDT is finally hit and Show is down for nine. Back up, Biggie loosens up the turnbuckle pad, but Taker sends him into it and hits a clothesline for another count. Then more of the same. They brawl to the outside and Big Show nails Taker with a television thing from the announce table. Show then hurlts Taker over the security wall, and while Taker was climbing it to get back over, Big Show grabs him and lands a chokeslam from the top of the barricade through the announcer table. Taker is barely up at nine, gripping the security wall and falling back to his knees. I was praying to God for a shit copout finish. Taker with punches from his knees, but Show puts him down with a headbutt. You know where this is going. And you know where I'm going. The kitchen. I'll be back.

Back. I got a Reese's. There's an apostrophe on there, learn to say it right. Let's see where we're at in the match. Well, they're back in the ring exchanging slugging punches. I'll be right back.

Back. I grabbed a Sweet Tarts, too. OLD SCHOOL~! Gets reversed into a chokeslam. Damn straight. That move is retarded. Taker again up at nine. Punch. Taker gets laid out, lying flat on his back. COULD THIS BE IT?! Well, let me reiterate : The Undertaker is lying flat on his back. Situp at eight and on his feet at nine, Show drills Taker with a steel chair shot. He notices Taker is again on his back so he goes over to pick him up but Taker locks in THAT CHOKEHOLD and Show immediately taps, even though that c learly doesn't mean anything in this match. Taker eventually releases the hold and the two lay down together. Ten seconds later, Taker wins the match.
Winner : The Undertaker

Taker takes forever getting up, draping himself over the ropes. He then poses in the ring. JR announcing Taker's Wrestlemania streak subtly segues into another ad for Wrestlemania. It's only six months away, you know! In the back Jericho is threatening Adamle to get rid of the special referee stipulation, but the proud GM steadfastly refuses. So is he a face, or... Jericho checks his cellphone and says they'll discuss this at a different time - He's got a dollar to throw away! Talk about last-ditch efforts.
In the ring, Tazz is out to announce the winner of the Diva Halloween Contest. All the Divas make their way down to the ring and my God Victoria is hilarious. AND THE WINNER IS......... Mickie James. Remove Taker's cock from your match and suck on that, Michelle. The Divas then all spontaneously brawl with eachother until, coincidentally, the faces are left in the ring. Well allright. Moving swiftly along, we get a video package for the Smackdown title match. Vladimir Kozlov has a beak on him. Moscow M auler, more like Auschwitz Ostrich. I'm relying on the vast majority of you not being History or Geography majors, or just generally lacking basic common information, for that joke to go over well. WWE Champion Triple H enters first for the first time this millennium. The choices for his opponents are Jeff Hardy, Vladimir Kozlov, or Jeff Hardy and Vladimir Kozlov. DECISIONS, DECISIONS. I'll take the one without Vladimir Kozlov, please. And so will the rest of the fans, apparently. 57% of the vote. Hell yes.

Jeff Hardy vs WWE Champion Triple H, WWE Champion match

They lockup early, only for Triple H to break it to taunt Jeff by holding his fingers close together, mocking his shortcomings. Whatever. Like Triple H didn't get all he's got with enhancement shit. If I was rich and didn't already possess a tremendous cock*, I'd probably dump half a paycheck into those low self esteem-preying scam emails, too.
*Maybe one day we'll get through a recap without me bringing it up. If I forget.

Anyway. Trips starts off slow and headlock-happy but Hardy is out with a series of quick armdrags that lead to an early Twist of Fate attempt, which is countered into a Pedigree attempt, which chills Jeff right the fuck out. Jeff goes for some doomed Moonsault but Trips just shoves him off and careening into the security wall. Hardy eventually works his way back into the ring, only to get his shit wrecked even more. A couple trips into the ringpost followed by a rollup nearly does it for Jeff. Resthold time . Escape time. MULE KICK is reversed by Trips simply taking a step back and now for another resthold, continuing to work on Hardy's shoulder. After Hunter catches his breath, he runs the ropes but Jeff hits the wrap-around clothesline followed by the twin legdrop to the twins. Falcon Arrow sitout suplex scores two. Such is the fate of finishing moves formerly used by Hardcore Holly. How I miss Chris Masters. He always entertained me with, erm. Um. His muscles?

Hardy goes for the big corner kick but Triple H shoots up and plants Jeff with a spinebuster for a nearfall. CRIPPLER CROSSFACE~! Or, I'm sorry, "a dangerous submission hold." They take this time to compare Triple H to old wrestlers. That'd be the last fucking thing I'd be talking about when he's got the Crossface locked in. Hardy eventually counters the crossface with a rollup for two, so Triple H just chucks Jeff out of the ring. Whip into the steps goes awry for Trips as he hits them head-on, directly in the forehead. He gets up and hangs onto the barrier for support and Hardy follows up with a Poetry In Motion via the steel steps. Back in, two Whispers in the Wind get a two count. Corner dropkick scores the same. Twist of Fate is countered with a Pedigree attempt, but that's countered with a pin attempt for two. Sleeper spot by Trips is thankfully broken before it can begin as the Twist of Fate connects but only gets two because he's Triple H, goddamnit. But wait! Hardy's going up! SWANTOM BOMB HITS! THE SHIRT GOES OFF! SECOND SWANTON HITS...KNEES! Hardy is down. Both men slowly get up and Trips goes for a Pedigree, but Hardy sends him out of the ring! Aerial attack hits and Hunter is rolled back in as Jeff goes up high for a third Swanton attempt! Trips is up, however, and he yanks Hardy off the top to score a Pedigree and the pinfall. As usual.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Triple H

Well, you knew that was coming. Good match, good finish. Gotta wonder if Jeff will ever actually get the belt. Ah, well. There's always TNA. Again. Hardy sorrowfully claps in the ring as Triple H poses on the ramp.

JOHN CENA'S RETURNING SOON DON'T WORRY! You know, that's making me really, really not want to see Survivor Series. "It's a classic Survivor Series matchup, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, on one team, we'll see Chris Jericho, JBL, Randy Orton, Big Show, Mark Henry, MVP, and both sets of Tag Team Champions pitted against John Cena, and I gotta tell ya, Cena's certainly got the odds stacked against him here tonight!" Raw Title video hype. Main event is next.

Chris Jericho is out first. Kind of fucked, since we already know who the challenger is, but I mean, we wouldn't want Batista to get upset and leave to go race cars and star in movies, right? Right? Would he like infinite blowjobs from all the Divas to accompany his infinite title shots, too? Man, Chris Jericho's belt covers up more of himself than his tights do. He could walk out to the ring completely naked, just wearing that belt, and nobody would know until he got in the ring to take it off. Except the half of the arena behind him, I guess. Nevermind. Jericho stands in the ring grimacing as if he's about to cry. Batista's music hits and he's out to a huge reaction. If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's how the fuck ANYBODY can cheer for Batista. All I ever feel like yelling when he comes out is that roaring sound at the beginning of his entrance music while tearing at my face. But that's just me. Tonight's poll for this match was for the Guest Referee. The choices are Randy Orton, because he wi ll return soon and claims he'll retake the title, Shawn Michaels, the obvious and correct choice because of his involvement in feuds with both men over the past six months, or Stone Cold Steve Austin, just because. Austin seals it with almost 75% of the vote, just because. I don't understand why he was even made an option. Just to embarrass the shit out of Shawn in his home state, I guess. The announcers cover by saying apparently Jericho has beef with Austin because he beat him for the Undisputed Champions hip seven years ago. What the fuck? Who gives a shit about ANYTHING that happened seven years ago in wrestling? Who is he, Triple H? Anyway.

Batista vs World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho, World Heavyweight Championship match

Chris Jericho starts off with a shove to Batista, who immediately rams him into the corner. Jericho escapes and circles the ring, then looks to take his leave up the ramp. He casually walks off as Austin calls for a mic. He announces that if Jericho gets disqualified or counted out tonight, the title will change hands. He starts a fast count and Jericho races back to the ring to get his ass handed to him by Batista. For several minutes. Y2J's only bit of offense at the beginning is tossing Batista from the ring, but he follows up with a baseball slide. Springboard dropkick attempt gets swatted away, so Jericho just hits a regular one while Batista was still standing on the apron. The uncoordinated oaf gets his leg slung over the middle rope and Jericho lays into it until the big mongoloid finally tumbles off to the outside, where his knee continues to get targeted by Jericho. Back in it's a different story as Batista locks in...something. The usual awkward Batista submission spot. Jericho counters and chop bl ocks the knee, dropkicks it, and generally fucks it the fuck up. Jericho executes a standing leglock on one knee as he stomps the other ; awesome. Batista POWERS OUT however and they go back and forth, the tone of the match going back and forth between smooth, smart, psychological, technical wrestling and MUSCLES. This is exaggeratedly illustrated when they traded shots; Jericho, with kicks to the back of Batista's injured knee, and Batista, with punches. Guess who wins.

Jericho regains soon after, however, with the Walls of Jericho that deteriorate into a single leg crab, probably because Batista's legs physically can't bend far enough for the Walls to be executed properly. Batista gets the ropes and an altercation between Jericho and Austin ensues, culminating in a middle finger. STONE COLD STONE COLD. Side slam from Batista scores a nearfall and he goes for a Bomb but Jericho grabs the ropes, escapes to the apron, kicks the knee, and comes off the top rope...into a clums ly forearm that was called as a clothesline. It only gets two so Batista scouts the champ out for the spear, and he connects with the ringpost. Top rope fighting is won by Batista who throws Jericho off and hits a flying shoulder block for two. Spinebuster follows but Jericho no-sells and pins Batista for two. Batista then falls into Austin, who is extremely vulnerable since he's donning the referee shirt, goes flying out of the ring and remains unconscious for several minutes.

Shawn Michaels graciously comes out to take over the referee duties, the first of which is making extremely slow two count. Batista manages to kick out at two. Jericho shoves Micahels and receives a superkick and spear. Batista goes for the pin but JBL pulls out Michaels and hits the Clothesline From Hell. Batista turns towards JBL on the outside, allowing Jericho to take Batista down by the knee. Austin crawls back into the ring and starts to get up, only for Randy Orton to come out and knock him back on h is ass. Jericho exits and reenters the ring in this time with his title and nails Batista in the head with it. Orton counts the pin at a normal pace but Batista kicks out at two. Why the fuck didn't Orton just do a fast count? Why the fuck does Orton want Jericho to win anyway? Because all heels are part of an alliance against all faces? At any rate, Austin is up and Stunners Orton out of the ring and tries to give one to Jericho but Jericho counters, only to get hit with the Spinebuster. Batista Bomb follo ws and Austin counts the one, two, three.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : Batista

Batista and Austin shake hands after the match. Teest poses with his new title. They share a celebratory beer (not the same one) and, surprisingly, Batista doesn't get Stunnered. That's a first. Even Eugene got a Stunner. I guess it's a good thing Punk lost his title at the last PPV ; Win or lose, I can't see him being in the same ring as Austin ending well for him. For such a whiny little bitch who doesn't understand the cancer that is creative control, Batista sure looks proud of himself.

This was an allright show, with every match being decent to good, bar the Last Man Standing. We got to see the Honky Tonk Man win a match by disqualification, we got to see how much weight Goldust has gained since the last time he was on tv, and we were treated to Victoria doing that extremely annoying song and dance from Family Guy. What more can you ask from a wrestling show in 2008? Thumbs up, and only slightly curved at an angle. END SHOW.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).