WWE
CYBER
SUNDAY
(11/05/06)
by James
Walker
Hey there,
kids! After having little to no real options in a debatable vote, you can pay an
exorbitant amount of money to a crooked organization in order to see that your
wants and their promises both come up empty! But enough about November
7th, 2000, tonight, it’s Cyber Sunday!
That’s right! Apparently, Tuesdays are no
longer taboo, but on Sundays, us internet wrestling nerds can finally vote for
what WE want… only to be demolished by children who prance around with John Cena
Foam Knux. Strength in numbers, dawg. (and gullible douchebags.)
Anyways! It’s your benevolent host James Walker (though I
have no idea what benevolent means and I don’t have enough cutlery for you all)
here with your WWE Cyber Sunday rant of epic proportions! Well, it won’t be so much of “epic” as it
will be “hey, that James guy wasted $40”, but whatever. I’ve wasted more money on stupider
things.
Let’s get to the wrestling sportz entertainment!
Umaga w/ Coma sa dice… Armando? VS Kane w/49% of
the vote & 0% chance of winning
Maybe the WWE is actually doing things the
right way, by offering very little in the way of new and exciting programming,
because apparently 49% of their audience is more than happy with the same old
shit that stank up Raw’s mid-card for two months. This is the McDonald’s coffee
burn “victim” lady pulling through the drive through the day after the
sentencing and asking that they just throw deep fryers at her.
Kane
starts the match off with his typical brawling, but that goes nowhere when he
starts trying to ram Umaga’s head into the turnbuckle. You know, if
Umaga
comes back with some patented offence (sure, it might be patented by Samoa Joe,
but that’s not the point) in the likes of stiff kicks and a flatliner. Umaga
dishes out the most lethal ass charge since Kanyon tried to woo Cowboy Bob
Orton, and Kane recovers on the outside. Umaga follows him out, but Kane, being
the crafty veteran he is, let’s Umaga run into the steel post. Hey, that reminds
me.
Me:
How many Vietnam War Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You:
I don’t know-
Me:
THAT’S RIGHT YOU DON’T KNOW, YOU WEREN’T THERE!
Kane takes
control in the ring, but Umaga nails a *gasp* SAMOAN drop! Of all things!
Armando calls for the Samoan Spike (not this),
but Kane goozles him for an exceedingly long amount of time. This gives Umaga
enough time to rake his eyes… it’s almost enough to make you think that he was
never going to chokeslam him at all. Almost.
Kane
reverses an charge in the corner, and lands a back suplex. He goes to the top
rope for the clothesline of kayfabey-goodness, but Estrada distracts him long
enough for Umaga to land a clothesline of his own as Kane leapt off. One thumb
to the throat later, and Umaga picks up the 3 count.
Winner: Umaga
Backstage, Booker & Sharmell try to
convince Big Show to lay down if Booker’s belt is on the line. Big Show refuses
of course – the only way Big Show lays down is if Kent Brockman is looking for
the guy who stole his danish.
Cryme Tyme VS Haas & Viscera VS The
Highlanders VS Cade & Murdoch,
This
was a match SO important, that it was announced on WWE.com after the hard-sell
episode of Raw! You could choose between Texas Tornado, Tag Team Turmoil, or
Fatal Four Way. If any of you knew the difference in these match types without
having to think about it, you’re a better man than I. Because I’m a woman.
“When I heard that
the match stipulation was a Texas Tornado, I got really excited and thought
it meant we see the combatants get really depressed and eventually take their
lives with a shotgun. Turns out it had nothing to do with Kerry Von Erich at
all, and was just 8 dudes all fighting at the same time. What a gyp.” –
Sean
Carless
Alright kids, let’s do the math here. 8 guys
+ 1 match + 4.5 minutes to work with = Clusterfuck.
The
Highlanders:
Oh, I get it. They’re Scottish! This gimmick is SO deep, hell, it might provide
MINUTES of entertainment! Heck, the cross-over potential with Groundskeeper
Willie has TONS of possibilities! Why, they could make haggis together! And… eat
it! And… make more! What will they think of next, a team of thieving black
men?
Cryme
Tyme: They’re
going to have the funniest heel turn ever – they’ll stop stealing, stop being
violent, and go back to school… and then people will HATE them. How DARE you try
to make something of yourself! Now get back here and loot my house like a good
negro!
Cade
& Murdoch:
Rednecks? WRESTLING? NOW I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING!
Haas
& Viscera:
.. err, ok. WWE, you got me. What the fuck is their gimmick? A hobo and the guy
who cuts line at the food shelter? Another remake of Charlie & The Chocolate
Factory? I’m stuck.
Anywho, Cade & Murdoch land the Ankle
Biter on the Highlander who wears a kilt, but Cryme Tyme dump them out to
“steal” the win! Ha ha! Get it?!?!
Winner: Cryme Tyme! AWW JYEAH!
Post
Match, Cryme Tyme celebrate with King & JR, and steal Lawler’s laptop. Psst,
guys, stealing stuff on national TV might not be the smartest crime I’ve ever
seen. But then again, you’re black, so that’s part of your gimmick: stupidity!
HA HA HA, GREAT SATIRE WWE.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels is on a lap top.
Careful Shawn, stay on the internet too long, and satan will have his way with
you! Shawn and Hunter decide that
Bischoff would be a good choice, because controversy creates cash~! Shawn proves
this by superkicking anyone he sees. Now, if I were a WWE writer, here is when
I’d have money fall from the ceiling, Shawn look up to the heavens and say
“Thanks, dude”, then refuse to wrestle, hoping he’ll get paid more. Hey, it
worked for Brock Lesnar.
Jeff Hardy w/ running through a bunch of
cobwebs VS Carlito w/GASP!, Intercontinental Title
Wow!
Who would have thought that Carlito would have gotten voted in? (aside from the
Camera men who were already focused in on Carlito signs) I mean, it was such a
tough call for the fans.. two guys they don’t like VS one guy they love who’s
had a break out year…
decisions,
decisions!
By the
way, I’d like to mention that Jeff’s theme music is actually a stock song used
in countless cheeseball television productions across the world. In order to fix
this, I’m suggesting that Jeff’s theme music is changed to either Buckcherry’s
“All Lit
Up” or Eric
Clapton’s “Cocaine”. No particular reason, why do
you ask?
Jeff
& Carlito shake hands to start, because we surely can’t understand the face
VS face dynamic without being led through it. They each go for the quick pin,
because sneaking the quick victory and not giving the fans what they paid for is
EXACTLY what faces should be doing. Jeff blows a spot when he tries to leap frog
Carlito, because he’s Jeff Hardy.
Carlito does some flippy counters, but Jeff
isn’t phased and lands a spinning heel kick, which sends Carlito to the outside.
Here, Carlito collects himself, as he’s growing frustrated – good job here by
Carlito to slowly work in the fact that he’s heel for this match, instead of
just doing it. Jeff lands a baseball dropkick, tries to run the rail, but
Carlito counters that with a well timed dropkick. Back in the ring, Carlito
counters a drop kick, and eventually locks in a bear hug. Geez, with all these
chinlocks and rest holds, you’d think this was a Randy Orton match.
Check it out! The fans are doing a boring
chant! Hey Carlito.. remember that push? Well, since we’ve booked you in an
awkward position on a big show for one night and the fans aren’t responding like
Hogan/Rock, you’ve proven to be useless! Now it’s off to Heat with you!
Carlito lands a flapjack and a back breaker,
but Jeff comes back with a DDT and a front suplex. Jesus, this match just threw
psychology out the window. Carlito gets his knees up on the Swanton (which,
really, should still hurt Carlito, but whatever, it’s wrestling physics at it’s
best). Then Carlito takes a page out of Jeff’s playbook and botches an asai
moonsault for two. Christ, I haven’t seen this many accidents since I saw the
video my parents made the night of my conception.
Jeff
goes for the twist of fate, but it’s countered, but Jeff still gets the Whisper
in The Wind. Side note: I’ve always wondered about the name of that move.. I
mean, a whisper in the wind really wouldn’t be noticeable, let alone painful. To
me, the move should be called “flippy-dippy crackhead in the wind”, but
whatever. The two guys battle on the top rope, Carlito tries for a hurricarana,
but Jeff blocks it and Carlito lands right on his head. Swanton follows, and the
pin.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
DX
comes down to the ring, and does ye olde Michael Buffer speech. It just gets
funnier and funnier each time they do it! Right? Right?
Anywho, apparently Bischoff won the vote with
60%, while Coach and Vince each got 20%. Nice, even numbers? An outcome that
wasn’t pushed? Vince deciding he’d rather get a blowjob from Layla than go out
during this match? Rigging ++!
D-Generation-X VS TH3 RATED RKO
SUPERSTARZ!!11eleven, Special Referee: Eric Bischoff
You
know, people have been trying to come up with a tag team name for Edge &
Orton for a few weeks now, and I’ve heard em all. “The Rated RKO Superstars”,
“The Edgend Killers”… they all suck. The reason being is they’re focusing on the
gimmicks of both men individually, and not as a unit… for together, Edge &
Orton are:
THE
FRAT BOYS!
I mean, think about it. One guy will be hugging a beach ball one second, and the next shitting in your gym bag, while the other will throw his meat into anything with a hole. They seriously need to start bringing a beer bong to the ring, for not only would this be hilarious, but it would bring back Scott Hall, and I wanna make fun of the guy. (Oh, by the way, he’s FAT!)
Edge
and HBK start us off, and after a little chain wrestling, we accidentally get a
sneak shot of Edge’s ass. Why the fuck doesn’t this stuff happen in women’s
matches? I’m serious here.. this type of shit happens all the time in men’s
wrestling, but put women in there? You have as much chance of tits falling out
as you do of John Gotti’s corpse being found under the ring.
Edge
and Shawn go 50-50, but HHH tags in, which means that it’s time for Edge to get
destroyed. Edge sneaks out of the slaughter, and tags in Orton, who does little
better. I feel my HHHatred piling back up, and that reminds me of Wrestlemania
19, and you wouldn’t like me when I’m reminded of Wrestlemania 19. Now if you’ll
excuse me, I have to turn green and put on some purple tattered shorts.
Edge
gets the blind tag, which leads to the Edge-u-cution/Impaler/Hey, I’m gonna jump
up and let you drive my head into the ground for two. Remember when that was
Edge’s finish? Remember when that was put over? You... You mean you do? But..
you’re a WWE fan! … your memory shouldn’t last longer than a month! … but… why
do you still watch this show, then? You don’t know why? Good enough for me!
Edge
jumps off the second rope, and it’s a good thing for HHH’s sake that he didn’t
plan on doing anything except standing straight up, because it allowed Hunter’s
boot to go right into his jaw! Funny how that worked out like that! This leads
to the hot tag to HBK, who nails the big elbow on Edge, but Orton interrupts the
Sweet Chin Music when he crotches HBK on the steel post… which Bischoff didn’t
see. Hello, plot development! I’d like you to meet my friend, my total boredom.
Edge
& Orton double team HBK, while Bischoff tries to restrain HHH from coming
in. While it was probably because he’s the referee and that would be illegal, I
think Bischoff was secretly admonishing HHH for missing his weekly meeting at
the Gold Club. His reasoning is that “While Controversy Creates Cash, Stephanie
Creates Erections”. … I don’t know why I felt compelled to include that in here,
but I did. I really have no idea why. Hell, I have no idea why I’m even
continuing on this rant about why I included it in, for it only draws more
attention to the awkwardness of the comment. I mean, it wasn’t funny or witty.
It was just… odd. Creepy, even. Yet, here I am… babbling on about it. If any of
you folks out there can think of a logical reason why, please, let me know. It’s
not like I need any psychological help, it’s just, I wonder about myself
sometimes. Like, seriously, I pretend to be a rapist on a wrestling satire
website. So, maybe my comment was something my character would say, but alas, I
definitely wasn’t thinking that as I wrote it.. so maybe, I’m slowly becoming my
character? Or maybe I always was? I really don’t know, and I’m not sure what to
think about it.
OR,
maybe, I just wanted to waste some space to make my rant look more impressive.
YOU DECIDE!
Edge
and Orton work the WWE style to the max win quick tags, simple stikes, and basic
slams. Orton comes in and HOLY CRAP, A DROPKICK AND A CHINLOCK! It’s the WWE’s
version of Hamburger & Fries – you see it everywhere, and they always pimp
it as the best ever, but it’s almost always forgettable once you’ve had your
next meal. Orton lands the stretch backbreaker, and tags Edge, who misses a
spear and lands it on Bischoff.
Alright, here’s when I get pissed off. The
referee is down, and yet, both Hunter & Randy are STAYING ON THE APRON
WAITING FOR A TAG. Seeing as Orton is a heel, and HHH is a crafty veteran, you’d
expect they’d be hopping all over this chance to get a few licks in… but alas,
they’re standing there like a couple of morons who’d rather watch their partner
get their ass handed… kinda like something you’d see in a prison locker room.
(How’s that visual for ya?)
HHH
tags in and
cleans house, but Edge interrupts a pedigree on Orton with a spear. HBK tosses
Edge from the ring, and lands a … plancha? Pescado? “Hey, catch me”? I dunno.
HHH and Orton stagger up, and Orton lands an RKO. New ref in, 1…2… kickout!
Orton is all like “OMGOOSES”, and goes for another one, but HBK breaks that up
with a
well-timed superkick, and Hunter is all like “lol”. Hunter covers, but
Bischoff pulls out the new Ref. HBK is all pissed, which leads to Edge decking
him with a chair… and Bischoff lets it slide! WOW! THE HEEL REMAINED A HEEL!
AMAZING. HHH eats the chair, and then Orton lands an RKO on it, and picks up the
3 count.
Winner: Edge & Orton
THE MARINE! THE
MARINE! THE MARINE! SEE IT! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! IN THEATRES NOW!
THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! JOHN CENA BLOWS STUFF UP! THE MARINE! THE
MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! MAYBE YOU’LL SEE SOME TITS! THE MARINE! THE
MARINE! THE MARINE! Please give us money.
Lita, w/ Raging Chlamydia VS Mickie James w/o
Raging Lesbianism, Lumberjill match
The
voting result for this match couldn’t have been any less subtle, when EVERY
SINGLE WOMAN FROM ALL THREE SHOWS showed up ringside before the match. There
hasn’t been this much silicon since they discovered the valley. I mean, if this
voting was legit and not known before hand, this would be like showing up to
work on Saturday morning on the off-chance they’re going to call you in.
Oh
ho ho, you are so clever, King. LumberJILL match? I wonder if he’s going to be
JILLing off during a sunset flip? … I know I will.
Alright… here’s the deal, kids. It’s women’s
match. Now, just like Cyber Sunday, you have three options:
a)
Get a blow-by-blow recap
of the awkward strikes and sloppy take downs
b)
An excuse to make dozens
of masturbation jokes
Unfortunately, only one person cast their
vote (Me), so the winner is:
c)
SUPER-MEGA-AWESOME-ANIMATED-GIF-ATHON!!!!
Anywho, ugly match. Like, seriously, I
haven’t seen something this ugly since *insert a “your mom” joke here*. In the
end, they fuck up the finishing sequence, so they sorta improvise (in that
“we’re just gonna try it again” sort of way) and after Victoria trips Mickie,
Lita lands the spike DDT for three.
Winner, and NEW Women’s Champion: Lita
Backstage, Kenny says the rest of the Spirit
Squad are losers, just like his fiancée. This
somehow pumps up the squad.. except for Johnny. Oh ho, trouble’s a brewin’, and
I ain’t never seen dis one a comin’ boss!
The
Spirit Squad (Kenny & Mikey) VS Ric Flair & Roddy Piper, w/ Sgt.
Slaughter & Dusty Rhodes
Oh
jesus, does Piper look out of place. I mean, I know he’s old and retired, but
comparing him to Ric Flair (who’s older, none the less), it’s like night and
day… Flair’s the day because he’s so tanned, and Piper’s the night because he’s
blocking out the sun.
Flair and Kenny start it off with grapples.
Grapple? Every time I write that word, I think of grape-apple juice. I also
guess this juice would suck, because both are so god damned generic. I mean,
would it kill juice companies to make a juice without using Apple, Grape, or
Pear? Seriously here folks, am I the only guy who reads the ingredient labels on
a bottle of Strawberry-Kiwi Fruitopia and see more grape & apple than
anything? It’s an absolute con, and it’s just not right.
…
Spirit Squad Matches: Less interesting that rants about juice.
So,
get this. Piper played the face in peril, which normally I’d agree with… if he
was an active wrestler. This was like having a gold medalist in the special
Olympics being chosen for the world championships over the silver medalist in
the normal Olympics. Of course, this lead to a plethora of rest holds and weak
strikes, until Flair got the hot tag, cleaned house, and eventually made Mikey
tap to the figure four.
Meanwhile, Piper came here to kick ass and
chew bubble gum, and his dentures don’t allow for any bubble gum, but his hip
also doesn’t allow much lateral movement anymore. Osteoporosis, y’know.
Winners, and NEW World Tag Team Champions:
Ric Flair & Roddy Piper
Post
match, Flair & Co. celebrate with some Dancing, and JESUS DOES PIPER LOOK
LIKE CRAP. I MEAN, COME ON:
Backstage, Booker confronts Cena about
teaming up against the Big Show tonight. Cena agrees if he gets one night with
Sharmell. Oh ho ho, that John Cena, quite the wit! Anywho, Booker drops the
accent, agrees, and Cena informs him that he was just kidding, but still manages
to make Sharmell believe that the deal is that Cena gets Sharmell, The Little
Bastard, a 2X4, a bottle of Jagermeister, while Booker watches. This leads to
Ron Simmons “Damn”ing up the joint, to hilarity. I don’t see what’s funny about
that… I mean, seriously, I’m not only a member of that club.. I’m the
president.
World Heavyweight Champion King Booker
w/Queen Sharmell VS ECW Heavyweight Champion Big Show w/a Burger King in garage
VS WWE Champion John Cena w/wishing he was a Jack of Spades, World Heavyweight
Championship
We
here at TWF have made countless jokes on the fact that people stay unconscious
on the floor for exponential lengths of time during these types of matches, but
never before has it there been a mathematical formula. Well, that all changes
right now, as I present the dawning of Walker’s Relationship.
T(F,m,u,r) = JFme^(u/r)
Where:
-T is a
5th dimensional representation of the time
unconscious on the floor, as a function
of F, m, u, and r.
-J is the “James Constant”, calculated to be approximately 0.0013670
(Minutes^2)(Unbroken Announce Tables)/(Men in Match)(Newton)
-F is the force of the attack, in Newtons.
-m is the number of men in a pinfall/submission based match
-e is the exponential constant, approximately 2.71828
-u is the number of unbroken announce tables
-and r is the time remaining in the PPV, in minutes
Example: Mid stages in this match, John Cena
caused Big Show to fall headfirst into the ring steps. 500 lbs is roughly 230
kg, and he fell approximately 6.5 feet (or 2.13 meters), resulting in a force of
approximately 4800 N.
There are 3 men in this match, 2 unbroken tables, and at the time of the
event, 32 minutes left in the PPV. Using Walker’s Relationship, we say:
T(4800, 3, 2, 32) = 0.0013670*4800*e^(2/32) = 6.985 minutes
Through watching the match, we see that:
Actual time unconscious on the floor = 7 minutes
This
shows us that Walker’s Relationship has an accuracy of +/- 0.2%, which is
acceptable.
Oh,
and while watching this match, I took notes. They are as follows:
-Big
Show is SO big, he can push eggs through his rings.
-John Cena can’t push eggs through his rings,
and it’s a shame, because that makes all his bling useless.
-King Booker isn’t actually a King.
-King Booker is actually black.
-John Cena is actually a good actor.
-I’m
actually a very good liar.
Oh..
you want a match recap? Cena kicked out of stuff! Cena interrupted three counts!
Booker T nearly got beat many times! I used exclamation points!
In
the end, Cena hit his 5 Moves Of Hip-Hop Doom on Booker, kicked a chair in
Show’s face, gave Sharmell an FU, and as he had the STFU on Booker, K-FED ran in
an broke up the hold with a title shot, while the ref attended to Sharmell. This
allowed for Booker to land a title belt shot of his own, and then get the three
count.
Winner: King Booker
Show Highlight: The backstage skits. What the hell
is wrong with this world when I’d rather watch HBK superkick stage hands, Ron
Simmons attempt to become a pop culture phenomenon, and Booker T talk about
letting John Cena plough his wife than seeing a wrestling match? While this says
good things about the writing, it really isn’t saying good things about the
wrestling, so that just might be the most backhanded highlight I’ve ever dished
out.
Show Lowlight: The voting. We’ve already seen Kane
VS Umaga about 37000 times too many, Carlito really didn’t need to take a clean
loss, the lumberjills just proved that the WWE should focus on T&A instead
of women’s wrestling, and Dusty & Flair would have been one hell of a
compelling tag team. Yet, we are shafted with the ridiculousness of marks who
vote 300 times, and the WWE laughs in our faces.
Overall Show thoughts: Well, that’s odd. For once, I agree largely with the booking, but the actual wrestling left a lot to be desired. While the right people went over (Edge & Orton/Flair & Co./King Booker) for the most part, the matches themselves were surprisingly mediocre, and it’s fair to say I’m disappointed. While not every match needs to be ****’s, I still think any PPV, no matter how big it is, needs at least two matches worth paying for, and at best, this PPV only provided one, being DX VS Edge & Orton. Therefore, I’m forced to give this show a thumbs down.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
POPULAR UPDATES
SATIRE: WWE's Discontinued X-Mas Products
DVD Review: End Game, Starring Kurt Angle
50+ Random Star Wars Lines You Can Use In The Middle Of Sex To Hilarious Results
CLASSIC SATIRE: ECW Goes Sci-Fi
Stephen Rivera's 4th Fall: Introduction
Broken News: U.S. Hero with Golden Trunks Becomes Homeless Man
When Wrestling Merchandise Goes Bad: WWE Finger Rings
CLASSIC SATIRE: Guess Who's HHHaving a Baby?
Broken News: WWE Pro Grappling "Gentle Giant" Reunited with Estranged Son
TWF Entertainment: VH1's 40 Greatest Celebrity Feuds
The WWE Developmental Rookie Name Generator
Wacky TV Recapitation: Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling
BACON'S BIGTIME PPV REPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH.
VIDEO SATIRE: 'Til Death Do Us Part!
SATIRE: WWE Acquires the History Channel!
Sean Carless's WRESTLING WITH MANIA
CLASSIC SATIRE: RAW is STAR WARS!