by James Walker
Hey there, kids! After having little to no real options in a debatable vote, you can pay an exorbitant amount of money to a crooked organization in order to see that your wants and their promises both come up empty! But enough about November 7th, 2000, tonight, it’s Cyber Sunday!
That’s right! Apparently, Tuesdays are no longer taboo, but on Sundays, us internet wrestling nerds can finally vote for what WE want… only to be demolished by children who prance around with John Cena Foam Knux. Strength in numbers, dawg. (and gullible douchebags.)
Anyways! It’s your benevolent host James Walker (though I
have no idea what benevolent means and I don’t have enough cutlery for you all)
here with your WWE Cyber Sunday rant of epic proportions! Well, it won’t be so much of “epic” as it
will be “hey, that James guy wasted $40”, but whatever. I’ve wasted more money on stupider
Let’s get to the
wrestling sportz entertainment!
Umaga w/ Coma sa dice… Armando? VS Kane w/49% of the vote & 0% chance of winning
Maybe the WWE is actually doing things the right way, by offering very little in the way of new and exciting programming, because apparently 49% of their audience is more than happy with the same old shit that stank up Raw’s mid-card for two months. This is the McDonald’s coffee burn “victim” lady pulling through the drive through the day after the sentencing and asking that they just throw deep fryers at her.
starts the match off with his typical brawling, but that goes nowhere when he
starts trying to ram Umaga’s head into the turnbuckle. You know, if
Umaga comes back with some patented offence (sure, it might be patented by Samoa Joe, but that’s not the point) in the likes of stiff kicks and a flatliner. Umaga dishes out the most lethal ass charge since Kanyon tried to woo Cowboy Bob Orton, and Kane recovers on the outside. Umaga follows him out, but Kane, being the crafty veteran he is, let’s Umaga run into the steel post. Hey, that reminds me.
Me: How many Vietnam War Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You: I don’t know-
Me: THAT’S RIGHT YOU DON’T KNOW, YOU WEREN’T THERE!
Kane takes control in the ring, but Umaga nails a *gasp* SAMOAN drop! Of all things! Armando calls for the Samoan Spike (not this), but Kane goozles him for an exceedingly long amount of time. This gives Umaga enough time to rake his eyes… it’s almost enough to make you think that he was never going to chokeslam him at all. Almost.
Kane reverses an charge in the corner, and lands a back suplex. He goes to the top rope for the clothesline of kayfabey-goodness, but Estrada distracts him long enough for Umaga to land a clothesline of his own as Kane leapt off. One thumb to the throat later, and Umaga picks up the 3 count.
Backstage, Booker & Sharmell try to convince Big Show to lay down if Booker’s belt is on the line. Big Show refuses of course – the only way Big Show lays down is if Kent Brockman is looking for the guy who stole his danish.
Cryme Tyme VS Haas & Viscera VS The
Highlanders VS Cade & Murdoch,
This was a match SO important, that it was announced on WWE.com after the hard-sell episode of Raw! You could choose between Texas Tornado, Tag Team Turmoil, or Fatal Four Way. If any of you knew the difference in these match types without having to think about it, you’re a better man than I. Because I’m a woman.
“When I heard that the match stipulation was a Texas Tornado, I got really excited and thought it meant we see the combatants get really depressed and eventually take their lives with a shotgun. Turns out it had nothing to do with Kerry Von Erich at all, and was just 8 dudes all fighting at the same time. What a gyp.” – Sean Carless
Alright kids, let’s do the math here. 8 guys + 1 match + 4.5 minutes to work with = Clusterfuck.
The Highlanders: Oh, I get it. They’re Scottish! This gimmick is SO deep, hell, it might provide MINUTES of entertainment! Heck, the cross-over potential with Groundskeeper Willie has TONS of possibilities! Why, they could make haggis together! And… eat it! And… make more! What will they think of next, a team of thieving black men?
Cryme Tyme: They’re going to have the funniest heel turn ever – they’ll stop stealing, stop being violent, and go back to school… and then people will HATE them. How DARE you try to make something of yourself! Now get back here and loot my house like a good negro!
Cade & Murdoch: Rednecks? WRESTLING? NOW I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING!
Haas & Viscera: .. err, ok. WWE, you got me. What the fuck is their gimmick? A hobo and the guy who cuts line at the food shelter? Another remake of Charlie & The Chocolate Factory? I’m stuck.
Anywho, Cade & Murdoch land the Ankle Biter on the Highlander who wears a kilt, but Cryme Tyme dump them out to “steal” the win! Ha ha! Get it?!?!
Winner: Cryme Tyme! AWW JYEAH!
Post Match, Cryme Tyme celebrate with King & JR, and steal Lawler’s laptop. Psst, guys, stealing stuff on national TV might not be the smartest crime I’ve ever seen. But then again, you’re black, so that’s part of your gimmick: stupidity! HA HA HA, GREAT SATIRE WWE.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels is on a lap top. Careful Shawn, stay on the internet too long, and satan will have his way with you! Shawn and Hunter decide that Bischoff would be a good choice, because controversy creates cash~! Shawn proves this by superkicking anyone he sees. Now, if I were a WWE writer, here is when I’d have money fall from the ceiling, Shawn look up to the heavens and say “Thanks, dude”, then refuse to wrestle, hoping he’ll get paid more. Hey, it worked for Brock Lesnar.
Jeff Hardy w/ running through a bunch of cobwebs VS Carlito w/GASP!, Intercontinental Title
Wow! Who would have thought that Carlito would have gotten voted in? (aside from the Camera men who were already focused in on Carlito signs) I mean, it was such a tough call for the fans.. two guys they don’t like VS one guy they love who’s had a break out year… decisions, decisions!
By the way, I’d like to mention that Jeff’s theme music is actually a stock song used in countless cheeseball television productions across the world. In order to fix this, I’m suggesting that Jeff’s theme music is changed to either Buckcherry’s “All Lit Up” or Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine”. No particular reason, why do you ask?
Jeff & Carlito shake hands to start, because we surely can’t understand the face VS face dynamic without being led through it. They each go for the quick pin, because sneaking the quick victory and not giving the fans what they paid for is EXACTLY what faces should be doing. Jeff blows a spot when he tries to leap frog Carlito, because he’s Jeff Hardy.
Carlito does some flippy counters, but Jeff isn’t phased and lands a spinning heel kick, which sends Carlito to the outside. Here, Carlito collects himself, as he’s growing frustrated – good job here by Carlito to slowly work in the fact that he’s heel for this match, instead of just doing it. Jeff lands a baseball dropkick, tries to run the rail, but Carlito counters that with a well timed dropkick. Back in the ring, Carlito counters a drop kick, and eventually locks in a bear hug. Geez, with all these chinlocks and rest holds, you’d think this was a Randy Orton match.
Check it out! The fans are doing a boring chant! Hey Carlito.. remember that push? Well, since we’ve booked you in an awkward position on a big show for one night and the fans aren’t responding like Hogan/Rock, you’ve proven to be useless! Now it’s off to Heat with you!
Carlito lands a flapjack and a back breaker, but Jeff comes back with a DDT and a front suplex. Jesus, this match just threw psychology out the window. Carlito gets his knees up on the Swanton (which, really, should still hurt Carlito, but whatever, it’s wrestling physics at it’s best). Then Carlito takes a page out of Jeff’s playbook and botches an asai moonsault for two. Christ, I haven’t seen this many accidents since I saw the video my parents made the night of my conception.
Jeff goes for the twist of fate, but it’s countered, but Jeff still gets the Whisper in The Wind. Side note: I’ve always wondered about the name of that move.. I mean, a whisper in the wind really wouldn’t be noticeable, let alone painful. To me, the move should be called “flippy-dippy crackhead in the wind”, but whatever. The two guys battle on the top rope, Carlito tries for a hurricarana, but Jeff blocks it and Carlito lands right on his head. Swanton follows, and the pin.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
DX comes down to the ring, and does ye olde Michael Buffer speech. It just gets funnier and funnier each time they do it! Right? Right?
Anywho, apparently Bischoff won the vote with 60%, while Coach and Vince each got 20%. Nice, even numbers? An outcome that wasn’t pushed? Vince deciding he’d rather get a blowjob from Layla than go out during this match? Rigging ++!
D-Generation-X VS TH3 RATED RKO SUPERSTARZ!!11eleven, Special Referee: Eric Bischoff
You know, people have been trying to come up with a tag team name for Edge & Orton for a few weeks now, and I’ve heard em all. “The Rated RKO Superstars”, “The Edgend Killers”… they all suck. The reason being is they’re focusing on the gimmicks of both men individually, and not as a unit… for together, Edge & Orton are:
THE FRAT BOYS!
I mean, think about it. One guy will be hugging a beach ball one second, and the next shitting in your gym bag, while the other will throw his meat into anything with a hole. They seriously need to start bringing a beer bong to the ring, for not only would this be hilarious, but it would bring back Scott Hall, and I wanna make fun of the guy. (Oh, by the way, he’s FAT!)
Edge and HBK start us off, and after a little chain wrestling, we accidentally get a sneak shot of Edge’s ass. Why the fuck doesn’t this stuff happen in women’s matches? I’m serious here.. this type of shit happens all the time in men’s wrestling, but put women in there? You have as much chance of tits falling out as you do of John Gotti’s corpse being found under the ring.
Edge and Shawn go 50-50, but HHH tags in, which means that it’s time for Edge to get destroyed. Edge sneaks out of the slaughter, and tags in Orton, who does little better. I feel my HHHatred piling back up, and that reminds me of Wrestlemania 19, and you wouldn’t like me when I’m reminded of Wrestlemania 19. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to turn green and put on some purple tattered shorts.
Edge gets the blind tag, which leads to the Edge-u-cution/Impaler/Hey, I’m gonna jump up and let you drive my head into the ground for two. Remember when that was Edge’s finish? Remember when that was put over? You... You mean you do? But.. you’re a WWE fan! … your memory shouldn’t last longer than a month! … but… why do you still watch this show, then? You don’t know why? Good enough for me!
Edge jumps off the second rope, and it’s a good thing for HHH’s sake that he didn’t plan on doing anything except standing straight up, because it allowed Hunter’s boot to go right into his jaw! Funny how that worked out like that! This leads to the hot tag to HBK, who nails the big elbow on Edge, but Orton interrupts the Sweet Chin Music when he crotches HBK on the steel post… which Bischoff didn’t see. Hello, plot development! I’d like you to meet my friend, my total boredom.
Edge & Orton double team HBK, while Bischoff tries to restrain HHH from coming in. While it was probably because he’s the referee and that would be illegal, I think Bischoff was secretly admonishing HHH for missing his weekly meeting at the Gold Club. His reasoning is that “While Controversy Creates Cash, Stephanie Creates Erections”. … I don’t know why I felt compelled to include that in here, but I did. I really have no idea why. Hell, I have no idea why I’m even continuing on this rant about why I included it in, for it only draws more attention to the awkwardness of the comment. I mean, it wasn’t funny or witty. It was just… odd. Creepy, even. Yet, here I am… babbling on about it. If any of you folks out there can think of a logical reason why, please, let me know. It’s not like I need any psychological help, it’s just, I wonder about myself sometimes. Like, seriously, I pretend to be a rapist on a wrestling satire website. So, maybe my comment was something my character would say, but alas, I definitely wasn’t thinking that as I wrote it.. so maybe, I’m slowly becoming my character? Or maybe I always was? I really don’t know, and I’m not sure what to think about it.
OR, maybe, I just wanted to waste some space to make my rant look more impressive. YOU DECIDE!
Edge and Orton work the WWE style to the max win quick tags, simple stikes, and basic slams. Orton comes in and HOLY CRAP, A DROPKICK AND A CHINLOCK! It’s the WWE’s version of Hamburger & Fries – you see it everywhere, and they always pimp it as the best ever, but it’s almost always forgettable once you’ve had your next meal. Orton lands the stretch backbreaker, and tags Edge, who misses a spear and lands it on Bischoff.
Alright, here’s when I get pissed off. The referee is down, and yet, both Hunter & Randy are STAYING ON THE APRON WAITING FOR A TAG. Seeing as Orton is a heel, and HHH is a crafty veteran, you’d expect they’d be hopping all over this chance to get a few licks in… but alas, they’re standing there like a couple of morons who’d rather watch their partner get their ass handed… kinda like something you’d see in a prison locker room. (How’s that visual for ya?)
HHH tags in and cleans house, but Edge interrupts a pedigree on Orton with a spear. HBK tosses Edge from the ring, and lands a … plancha? Pescado? “Hey, catch me”? I dunno. HHH and Orton stagger up, and Orton lands an RKO. New ref in, 1…2… kickout! Orton is all like “OMGOOSES”, and goes for another one, but HBK breaks that up with a well-timed superkick, and Hunter is all like “lol”. Hunter covers, but Bischoff pulls out the new Ref. HBK is all pissed, which leads to Edge decking him with a chair… and Bischoff lets it slide! WOW! THE HEEL REMAINED A HEEL! AMAZING. HHH eats the chair, and then Orton lands an RKO on it, and picks up the 3 count.
Winner: Edge & Orton
THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! SEE IT! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! IN THEATRES NOW! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! JOHN CENA BLOWS STUFF UP! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! MAYBE YOU’LL SEE SOME TITS! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! THE MARINE! Please give us money.
Lita, w/ Raging Chlamydia VS Mickie James w/o Raging Lesbianism, Lumberjill match
The voting result for this match couldn’t have been any less subtle, when EVERY SINGLE WOMAN FROM ALL THREE SHOWS showed up ringside before the match. There hasn’t been this much silicon since they discovered the valley. I mean, if this voting was legit and not known before hand, this would be like showing up to work on Saturday morning on the off-chance they’re going to call you in.
Oh ho ho, you are so clever, King. LumberJILL match? I wonder if he’s going to be JILLing off during a sunset flip? … I know I will.
Alright… here’s the deal, kids. It’s women’s match. Now, just like Cyber Sunday, you have three options:
a) Get a blow-by-blow recap of the awkward strikes and sloppy take downs
b) An excuse to make dozens of masturbation jokes
Unfortunately, only one person cast their vote (Me), so the winner is:
Anywho, ugly match. Like, seriously, I haven’t seen something this ugly since *insert a “your mom” joke here*. In the end, they fuck up the finishing sequence, so they sorta improvise (in that “we’re just gonna try it again” sort of way) and after Victoria trips Mickie, Lita lands the spike DDT for three.
Winner, and NEW Women’s Champion: Lita
Backstage, Kenny says the rest of the Spirit
Squad are losers,
just like his fiancée. This
somehow pumps up the squad.. except for Johnny. Oh ho, trouble’s a brewin’, and
I ain’t never seen dis one a comin’ boss!
The Spirit Squad (Kenny & Mikey) VS Ric Flair & Roddy Piper, w/ Sgt. Slaughter & Dusty Rhodes
Oh jesus, does Piper look out of place. I mean, I know he’s old and retired, but comparing him to Ric Flair (who’s older, none the less), it’s like night and day… Flair’s the day because he’s so tanned, and Piper’s the night because he’s blocking out the sun.
Flair and Kenny start it off with grapples. Grapple? Every time I write that word, I think of grape-apple juice. I also guess this juice would suck, because both are so god damned generic. I mean, would it kill juice companies to make a juice without using Apple, Grape, or Pear? Seriously here folks, am I the only guy who reads the ingredient labels on a bottle of Strawberry-Kiwi Fruitopia and see more grape & apple than anything? It’s an absolute con, and it’s just not right.
… Spirit Squad Matches: Less interesting that rants about juice.
So, get this. Piper played the face in peril, which normally I’d agree with… if he was an active wrestler. This was like having a gold medalist in the special Olympics being chosen for the world championships over the silver medalist in the normal Olympics. Of course, this lead to a plethora of rest holds and weak strikes, until Flair got the hot tag, cleaned house, and eventually made Mikey tap to the figure four.
Meanwhile, Piper came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and his dentures don’t allow for any bubble gum, but his hip also doesn’t allow much lateral movement anymore. Osteoporosis, y’know.
Winners, and NEW World Tag Team Champions: Ric Flair & Roddy Piper
Post match, Flair & Co. celebrate with some Dancing, and JESUS DOES PIPER LOOK LIKE CRAP. I MEAN, COME ON:
Backstage, Booker confronts Cena about teaming up against the Big Show tonight. Cena agrees if he gets one night with Sharmell. Oh ho ho, that John Cena, quite the wit! Anywho, Booker drops the accent, agrees, and Cena informs him that he was just kidding, but still manages to make Sharmell believe that the deal is that Cena gets Sharmell, The Little Bastard, a 2X4, a bottle of Jagermeister, while Booker watches. This leads to Ron Simmons “Damn”ing up the joint, to hilarity. I don’t see what’s funny about that… I mean, seriously, I’m not only a member of that club.. I’m the president.
World Heavyweight Champion King Booker w/Queen Sharmell VS ECW Heavyweight Champion Big Show w/a Burger King in garage VS WWE Champion John Cena w/wishing he was a Jack of Spades, World Heavyweight Championship
We here at TWF have made countless jokes on the fact that people stay unconscious on the floor for exponential lengths of time during these types of matches, but never before has it there been a mathematical formula. Well, that all changes right now, as I present the dawning of Walker’s Relationship.
T(F,m,u,r) = JFme^(u/r)
-T is a 5th dimensional representation of the time unconscious on the floor, as a function of F, m, u, and r.
-J is the “James Constant”, calculated to be approximately 0.0013670 (Minutes^2)(Unbroken Announce Tables)/(Men in Match)(Newton)
-F is the force of the attack, in Newtons.
-m is the number of men in a pinfall/submission based match
-e is the exponential constant, approximately 2.71828
-u is the number of unbroken announce tables
-and r is the time remaining in the PPV, in minutes
Example: Mid stages in this match, John Cena caused Big Show to fall headfirst into the ring steps. 500 lbs is roughly 230 kg, and he fell approximately 6.5 feet (or 2.13 meters), resulting in a force of approximately 4800 N. There are 3 men in this match, 2 unbroken tables, and at the time of the event, 32 minutes left in the PPV. Using Walker’s Relationship, we say:
T(4800, 3, 2, 32) = 0.0013670*4800*e^(2/32) = 6.985 minutes
Through watching the match, we see that:
Actual time unconscious on the floor = 7 minutes
This shows us that Walker’s Relationship has an accuracy of +/- 0.2%, which is acceptable.
Oh, and while watching this match, I took notes. They are as follows:
-Big Show is SO big, he can push eggs through his rings.
-John Cena can’t push eggs through his rings, and it’s a shame, because that makes all his bling useless.
-King Booker isn’t actually a King.
-King Booker is actually black.
-John Cena is actually a good actor.
-I’m actually a very good liar.
Oh.. you want a match recap? Cena kicked out of stuff! Cena interrupted three counts! Booker T nearly got beat many times! I used exclamation points!
In the end, Cena hit his 5 Moves Of Hip-Hop Doom on Booker, kicked a chair in Show’s face, gave Sharmell an FU, and as he had the STFU on Booker, K-FED ran in an broke up the hold with a title shot, while the ref attended to Sharmell. This allowed for Booker to land a title belt shot of his own, and then get the three count.
Winner: King Booker
Show Highlight: The backstage skits. What the hell is wrong with this world when I’d rather watch HBK superkick stage hands, Ron Simmons attempt to become a pop culture phenomenon, and Booker T talk about letting John Cena plough his wife than seeing a wrestling match? While this says good things about the writing, it really isn’t saying good things about the wrestling, so that just might be the most backhanded highlight I’ve ever dished out.
Show Lowlight: The voting. We’ve already seen Kane VS Umaga about 37000 times too many, Carlito really didn’t need to take a clean loss, the lumberjills just proved that the WWE should focus on T&A instead of women’s wrestling, and Dusty & Flair would have been one hell of a compelling tag team. Yet, we are shafted with the ridiculousness of marks who vote 300 times, and the WWE laughs in our faces.
Overall Show thoughts: Well, that’s odd. For once, I agree largely with the booking, but the actual wrestling left a lot to be desired. While the right people went over (Edge & Orton/Flair & Co./King Booker) for the most part, the matches themselves were surprisingly mediocre, and it’s fair to say I’m disappointed. While not every match needs to be ****’s, I still think any PPV, no matter how big it is, needs at least two matches worth paying for, and at best, this PPV only provided one, being DX VS Edge & Orton. Therefore, I’m forced to give this show a thumbs down.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).