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ctslogo.jpgCreative Team Showcase!!!

By Stephen Bailey


Hello again one and all, and here is my shit filling in for a week when the Sixth Child isn't giving you an entertaining column. But hey it's not like there's anything else you can read, seriously there isn't, COME BACK! Ahem, anyway my last column dealt with the event immediately before GAB with Khali becoming champion, therefore this is dealing with events afterward, so in this crappy rambling you can expect to find the true reasons why:

-Hornswoggle is the CW champ

-Why Vince is apparently going to have an illegitimate son.

Also in case anyone remotely cares I am not using the full creative team for my column because:

a) I'm too darn lazy, some of them have long names

b) Midway through writing my previous column one of them got fired, and if they're changing the line-up that regularly, fuck it.


Stephanie: Ok Hayes, what did you fuck up this time?

Hayes: Umm nothing, I simply suggested changing the Cruiserweight champion since I feel we need something new.

Gerwitz: We have a Cruiserweight Division?

Vince: I thought I fired those midgets?

Hayes: That was the Mini's

Stephanie: Why is your show filled with small people nobody cares about?

Hayes: Because you wanted it to be....I mean because I'm an idiot

Yesman: Yes he is

Hayes: You haven't quite got the idea of being a Yesman

Yesman: Yes I haven't

Hayes: Whatever, we've only had two past champions in the last year and a half and we think something needs changing

Lagana: So basically you have a vacant championship and want to know who to have win it

Hayes: Yes

HHH: Me-uh

-Everyone Stares-

Wait did you say-uh Cruiserweight-uh? Oh right-uh, not me-uh.  Sorry about the confusion there-uh.

Hayes: You're also injured

HHH: I can still work the WWE style better then those losers.

Steph: Just a minute, doesn't Paul Heyman like Cruiserweights?

Lagana:I think so

-Steph gets a phone-

Steph: Hey Paul! PAUL! The guys you like are losers and aren't getting a push!

Rhodes: Well, Ah think that this'd be a gate chance to breath-a new life inta the division

Hayes: Whatever, perhaps we could make it funny.

Vince: Now what are the options, there's that Japanese cowboy

Russo: Forget about it! It's an American championship, give to an American, that Jap won't get over.

Gerwitz: Well none of our Cruisers are over.....and what the fuck are you doing here?

Russo: Supplying a poor punchline, or am I? SWERVE!

-Russo jumps out the window and lands safely (what a pity) on a giant blow-up doll-

Russo: They don't want wrestling they want scandal and drama! Muahahaha!

Vince: OK not Wang Yang

Lagana: Russo doesn't even work for you!

Vince: Eh, he makes a good point

Steph: Well, I've been doing some research

-stunned silence-


HHH: Urr, nothing-uh dear-uh, do go on-uh

Steph: OK well I noted that a prominent light-weight star is Chris Benoit who we have under contract. We can give it to him.

Vince: But he's dead

Steph: When's that ever stopped us? Katie Vick is the women's champion.

Gerwitz: No she's not. It's Candice Michelle

Steph: What did she do?

Hayes: Improved slightly in wrestling ability?

Vince: Posed nude

Gerwitz: Sucked me off....I mean she has the total package

HHH: Two of them

Yesman: Yes she does.

Steph: OK whatever, but what about Benoit.

Lagana: Stephanie don't you remember?

Luger: She Doesn't know!!!!!

Vince: Luger? What the hell are you doing here I fired you 6 years ago

Luger: What don't you realise I'm one of the thebiggestlegendsstarsever!

Vince: Get out!

Luger: I'm pissed now! On the bright side your T-shirts aren't too tight Vinny

-Luger leaves-

Vince: Anyway it's a bad idea. However I have came to the perfect solution using simple logic. Who did we give the HEAVYweight title to?

Lagana: The biggest man?

Gerwitz: So we give this to the smallest man! Hornswoggle!

-Hornswoggle enters-

Hayes: you're the new Cruiserweight champion!

Hornswoggle: Whatever, can I stop being Irish now?

Steph: Isn't the Leprechaun funny, now go put the title in your pot of gold

Hornswoggle: Does she really think I'm Irish. Seriously I'm suing for predjudice, that's worse than the steroids crisis

Finlay: No steroids in pro-wrestling!!

Hornswoggle: And insanity... fine, I'll have the toy belt.

-He leaves-

Steph: Did Paul ever book this title?

Rhodes: Yeah

Steph (into phone): Hey Paul! PAUL! I just booked the CW title better than you!

Heyman: Yeah right

Steph: Wow, you actually answered!

Heyman: Yeah I thought you were Hollywood. Anyway, what did you do?

Steph: I put it on a midget, who has minimal wrestling ability! Isn't that awesome... Fuck you I'm better than you!

-Steph slams down the phone and runs out crying-

Vince: And now we can precede to important business, boosting Raw's ratings.

Gerwitz: Shouldn't that have come first?

Yesman: Yes especially since the decision to change the CW title came a fair time prior to Raw's ratings drop we shouldn't even be having both discussions in the same meeting.

Vince: Continuity is what I want it to be!

Yesman: Yes, but you can't break the Space-Time Continuum  to make this happen.

Vince: yes I can, I'm Vincent Kennedy McMahon dammit, You're FIRED!

Hayes: Hey both catchphrases in one sentence, that's impressive.

Vince: Thanks, been working it; anyway for Raw's rating boost I have narrowed it down into what our average fan likes:

a) John Cena

b) Tits

So obviously to make Raw succeed we need more, lots more of both!

Lagana: Our data states the opposite honestly.

Vince: Oh and C, Me. So we need lots more me, and then we combine the three together so we can have me getting off with divas and pinning John Cena SIMULTANEOUSLY! It's gold I tell you.

Gerwitz: OK....

Vince: Hell, who wouldn't tune in for two hours of that? We can replay it on ECW! It just gets better.

Gerwtiz: Alternately we can put you in a good/iffy/outrageous and offensive storyline, and I have hired the perfect team to help make it.

Vince: Who?

HHH: Clones-uh of me-uh?

Dusty: Wrestlin' veterans?

Johnny Laurinitis: Naked Women?

Lagana: Successful bookers?

Hayes: Fat IWC nerds who think they're God of all Booking despite the fact they always lose on EWR?

Gerwitz: of course not, Hollywood writers.

Vince: Well that makes complete sense. It's never failed before.

-Hollywood Writer enters-

HW: And we've got lots of ideas. For example, you could die

Vince: Did it last month

HW: Go crazy

Vince: Happened

HW: Cheat on your wife

Vince: About 20 times

HW: Psychological war?

Vince: Fair few times

HW: Satanic Cult

Vince: Was the leader

HW: How about you get in a dispute and decide to settle it in a wacky way? Like wrestling.

Vince: This is a wrestling company.

HW: Oh, right. How about your son and daughter try to run you out of business?

Vince: Tried that, didn't work too well.

HW: Ok shot in the dark: You're kidnapped by the Japanese mafia and have your penis chopped off.

Vince: Someone else did that.

Writer: Wow this show is great! Well I'm out of ideas, I'll give you some more tomorrow at Wrestlemania the biggest Party of the Summer!


Vince: I've got it! I've had sex with lots of beautiful women as far as the fans know, surely I'll have sired a child. As I am potent beyond belief.

Gerwitz: Yes that could briefly spike the interest of pop culture saturated retards. So 75% of our audience, good idea!

Vince: I know, bring in the wheel of random superstars I don't care about!

-throws a dart-

Vince: Ok Ken Kennedy

Kennedy: .....KENNEDY!!!!

Vince: Is my new son

HHH: As I am-uh your son-in-law-uh why can't it be me?

Hayes: That would be incest with Stephanie then

Vince: What is everyone's problem with incest? Anyway, Paul

Steph: Paul?! I'll kill him!!

HHH: She meant-uh me.

Vince: When did you come back Steph? Anyway, HHH you can feud with him. However you have to at least let him hit you before you pin him.

HHH: Awwwww

Vince: Don't worry you'll still win.

Lagana: You could put him over a bit y'know.

HHH: He's in a match with me. That's plenty for Kennedy

Kennedy: ...KENNEDY!!!

Hayes: Kennedy

Kennedy: ...KENNEDY!!!

Hayes: Yeah, how are you actually managing to pronounce an elipse at the beginning of a sentence? That's grammatically impossible.

Kennedy: Shitty writing quality! ...Quality!!!

HHH: Anyway Kennedy

Kennedy: ...KENNEDY!!!

HHH: Shut-up, he will feud with me though obviously lose because I am the Game and I am that Damn Good! And that story always goes over well.

-Stands and blows out a quad-

HHH: Arrrgggh Fucking hell

Vince: HHH are you all right?

-Stands and blows both his quads-

Vince: Arrgh! Dear god!

-Nash enters-

Nash: Hey Vince I was wondering about wrestl...arrrggghhh

-Yes his quad has blown too clichés are funny dammit-

Vince: We'll still do the feud

HHH: And Kennedy

Kennedy: ...KENNEDY!!!

HHH: Will still job

Kennedy: ...JOB!!! Hey, wait a minute?

That's all, it's petered out to a poor uninspired ending. Join me next week when unless the WWE does something really stupid we'll make our first foray into the booking teams of another company.

Russo: Or will he? SWERVE!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).