Hello again
one and all, and here is my shit filling in for a week when the Sixth Child isn't giving you an entertaining column. But hey
it's not like there's anything else you can read, seriously there isn't, COME BACK! Ahem, anyway my last column dealt with
the event immediately before GAB with Khali becoming champion, therefore this is dealing with events afterward, so in this
crappy rambling you can expect to find the true reasons why: -Hornswoggle
is the CW champ -Why Vince is
apparently going to have an illegitimate son. Also in case
anyone remotely cares I am not using the full creative team for my column because: a) I'm too darn
lazy, some of them have long names b) Midway through
writing my previous column one of them got fired, and if they're changing the line-up that regularly, fuck it. Anyway... Stephanie: Ok Hayes, what did you fuck up this time? Hayes: Umm nothing, I simply suggested changing the Cruiserweight champion since I feel we need something
new. Gerwitz: We
have a Cruiserweight Division? Vince: I
thought I fired those midgets? Hayes: That
was the Mini's Stephanie:
Why is your show filled with small people nobody cares
about? Hayes:
Because you wanted it to be....I mean because I'm an
idiot Yesman: Yes
he is Hayes: You
haven't quite got the idea of being a Yesman Yesman: Yes I
haven't Hayes:
Whatever, we've only had two past champions in the last year and a half and we
think something needs changing Lagana: So
basically you have a vacant championship and want to know who to have win
it Hayes:
Yes HHH:
Me-uh -Everyone
Stares- Wait did you say-uh
Cruiserweight-uh? Oh right-uh, not me-uh. Sorry about the confusion
there-uh. Hayes: You're
also injured HHH: I can
still work the WWE style better then those
losers. Steph: Just a
minute, doesn't Paul Heyman like
Cruiserweights? Lagana:I
think so -Steph gets a
phone- Steph: Hey
Paul! PAUL! The guys you like are losers and aren't getting a
push! Rhodes: Well,
Ah think that this'd be a gate chance to breath-a new life inta the
division Hayes:
Whatever, perhaps we could make it funny. Vince: Now
what are the options, there's that Japanese
cowboy Russo: Forget
about it! It's an American championship, give to an American, that Jap won't get
over. Gerwitz: Well
none of our Cruisers are over.....and what the fuck are you doing
here? Russo:
Supplying a poor punchline, or am I? SWERVE! -Russo jumps out the window and
lands safely (what a pity) on a giant blow-up doll- Russo: They
don't want wrestling they want scandal and drama!
Muahahaha! Vince: OK not
Wang Yang Lagana: Russo
doesn't even work for you! Vince: Eh, he
makes a good point Steph: Well,
I've been doing some research -stunned
silence- What? HHH: Urr,
nothing-uh dear-uh, do go on-uh Steph: OK
well I noted that a prominent light-weight star is Chris Benoit who we have
under contract. We can give it to him. Vince: But
he's dead Steph: When's
that ever stopped us? Katie Vick is the women's
champion. Gerwitz: No
she's not. It's Candice Michelle Steph: What
did she do? Hayes:
Improved slightly in wrestling ability? Vince: Posed
nude Gerwitz:
Sucked me off....I mean she has the total
package HHH: Two of
them Yesman: Yes
she does. Steph: OK
whatever, but what about Benoit. Lagana:
Stephanie don't you remember? Luger: She
Doesn't know!!!!! Vince: Luger?
What the hell are you doing here I fired you 6 years
ago Luger: What
don't you realise I'm one of the
thebiggestlegendsstarsever! Vince: Get
out! Luger: I'm
pissed now! On the bright side your T-shirts aren't too tight
Vinny -Luger
leaves- Vince: Anyway
it's a bad idea. However I have came to the perfect solution using simple logic.
Who did we give the HEAVYweight title to? Lagana: The
biggest man? Gerwitz: So
we give this to the smallest man!
Hornswoggle! -Hornswoggle
enters- Hayes:
you're the new Cruiserweight champion! Hornswoggle: Whatever, can I stop being Irish
now? Steph:
Isn't the Leprechaun funny, now go put the title in your pot of
gold Hornswoggle: Does she really think I'm Irish.
Seriously I'm suing for predjudice, that's worse than the steroids
crisis Finlay: No
steroids in pro-wrestling!! Hornswoggle: And insanity... fine, I'll have the toy
belt. -He
leaves- Steph: Did
Paul ever book this title? Rhodes:
Yeah Steph (into
phone): Hey Paul! PAUL! I just booked the CW title better than
you! Heyman:
Yeah right Steph: Wow,
you actually answered! Heyman:
Yeah I thought you were Hollywood. Anyway, what did you
do? Steph: I
put it on a midget, who has minimal wrestling ability! Isn't that awesome...
Fuck you I'm better than you! -Steph slams down the phone
and runs out crying- Vince: And
now we can precede to important business, boosting Raw's
ratings. Gerwitz:
Shouldn't that have come first? Yesman: Yes
especially since the decision to change the CW title came a fair time prior to
Raw's ratings drop we shouldn't even be having both discussions in the same
meeting. Vince:
Continuity is what I want it to be! Yesman:
Yes, but you can't break the Space-Time Continuum to make this
happen. Vince: yes
I can, I'm Vincent Kennedy McMahon dammit, You're
FIRED! Hayes: Hey
both catchphrases in one sentence, that's
impressive. Vince:
Thanks, been working it; anyway for Raw's rating boost I have narrowed it down
into what our average fan likes: a) John
Cena b)
Tits So obviously to make Raw
succeed we need more, lots more of both! Lagana: Our
data states the opposite honestly. Vince: Oh
and C, Me. So we need lots more me, and then we combine the three together so we
can have me getting off with divas and pinning John Cena SIMULTANEOUSLY! It's
gold I tell you. Gerwitz:
OK.... Vince:
Hell, who wouldn't tune in for two hours of that? We can replay it on ECW! It
just gets better. Gerwtiz:
Alternately we can put you in a good/iffy/outrageous and offensive storyline,
and I have hired the perfect team to help make
it. Vince:
Who? HHH:
Clones-uh of me-uh? Dusty:
Wrestlin' veterans? Johnny
Laurinitis: Naked Women? Lagana:
Successful bookers? Hayes: Fat
IWC nerds who think they're God of all Booking despite the fact they always lose
on EWR? Gerwitz: of
course not, Hollywood writers. Vince: Well
that makes complete sense. It's never failed
before. -Hollywood Writer
enters- HW: And
we've got lots of ideas. For example, you could
die Vince: Did
it last month HW: Go
crazy Vince:
Happened HW: Cheat
on your wife Vince:
About 20 times HW:
Psychological war? Vince: Fair
few times HW: Satanic
Cult Vince: Was
the leader HW: How
about you get in a dispute and decide to settle it in a wacky way? Like
wrestling. Vince: This
is a wrestling company. HW: Oh,
right. How about your son and daughter try to run you out of
business? Vince:
Tried that, didn't work too well. HW: Ok shot
in the dark: You're kidnapped by the Japanese mafia and have your penis chopped
off. Vince:
Someone else did that. Writer: Wow
this show is great! Well I'm out of ideas, I'll give you some more tomorrow at
Wrestlemania the biggest Party of the Summer! -Exit- Vince: I've
got it! I've had sex with lots of beautiful women as far as the fans know,
surely I'll have sired a child. As I am potent beyond
belief. Gerwitz:
Yes that could briefly spike the interest of pop culture saturated retards. So
75% of our audience, good idea! Vince: I
know, bring in the wheel of random superstars I don't care
about! -throws a
dart- Vince: Ok
Ken Kennedy Kennedy:
.....KENNEDY!!!! Vince: Is
my new son HHH: As I
am-uh your son-in-law-uh why can't it be me? Hayes: That
would be incest with Stephanie then Vince: What
is everyone's problem with incest? Anyway,
Paul Steph:
Paul?! I'll kill him!! HHH: She
meant-uh me. Vince: When
did you come back Steph? Anyway, HHH you can feud with him. However you have to
at least let him hit you before you pin him. HHH:
Awwwww Vince:
Don't worry you'll still win. Lagana: You
could put him over a bit y'know. HHH: He's
in a match with me. That's plenty for Kennedy Kennedy:
...KENNEDY!!! Hayes:
Kennedy Kennedy:
...KENNEDY!!! Hayes:
Yeah, how are you actually managing to pronounce an elipse at the beginning of a
sentence? That's grammatically impossible. Kennedy:
Shitty writing quality! ...Quality!!! HHH: Anyway
Kennedy Kennedy:
...KENNEDY!!! HHH:
Shut-up, he will feud with me though obviously lose because I am the Game and I
am that Damn Good! And that story always goes over
well. -Stands and blows out a
quad- HHH:
Arrrgggh Fucking hell Vince: HHH
are you all right? -Stands and blows both his
quads- Vince:
Arrgh! Dear god! -Nash
enters- Nash: Hey
Vince I was wondering about
wrestl...arrrggghhh -Yes his quad has blown too
clichés are funny dammit- Vince:
We'll still do the feud HHH: And
Kennedy Kennedy:
...KENNEDY!!! HHH: Will
still job Kennedy:
...JOB!!! Hey, wait a minute? That's all, it's petered out
to a poor uninspired ending. Join me next week when unless the WWE does
something really stupid we'll make our first foray into the booking teams of
another company. Russo: Or
will he?
SWERVE!Creative Team Showcase!!!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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