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Welcome one and all to what I hope will become a somewhat regular feature on TWF:

 

Creative Team Showcase!!!

By Stephen Bailey

 

Indeed using my phenomenal insider power I have been able to infiltrate the various different creative teams of wrestling promotions across the USA and thus can report the logic behind their latest decisions to you all! Indeed. Or possibly I just get drunk, write a bunch of crap and you laugh, I forget. However there must be a column here and thus we can delve into the logic behind some of the latest actions of WWE creative!!

Stephanie: OK are we all here now?

Raw: Yes

SD!: Yes

ECW: Yes

Stephanie: Good now we can get down to doing that thing that we do

Gerwitz: Booking?

Stephanie: Exactly, yeah that.

Hayes: Well urrm SD! Has an issue in that Edge, the champion is injured

Stephanie: OK

Hayes: Well you see we can't have a show with an injured champion so we need a new one, so umm we need suggestions.

HHH: Me

Gerwitz: But it's on the wrong show

HHH: Oh right, yeah fuck me going on the B show, heh OK not me, but I want the other one when I get back.

Dusty: Well we do have an ECW title feud going on

HHH: Bwahahahaha, I meant world title, not piece of crap

Stephanie: Hahahahaha! That's hilarious, wait a second.

-gets phone-

Stephanie: Paul? Heyman is that you, we just called your company's title a piece of crap! Eat that you loser.

-slam down phone-

Stephanie: Got to keep him in his place

Gerwitz: Yeah completely, by the way HHH why are you here?

HHH: I'm injured, what else have a I got to do but exert backstage power?

Hayes: OK, OK that's great but we need a solution

Yes-man: Of course

Hayes: What do you suggest then?

Yes-man: ummm Matt Hardy?

Stephanie: Umm no he's got this absolutely awesome gimmick of losing all the time, and if he won a title he wouldn't be losing. Would he?

Yes-man: Well no, but why's he losing?

Stephanie: So he stays over

Yes-man: But, don't people win to get over?

Stephanie: Well some do, but amazing bookers like me and not Paul Heyman can let people get over by losing

Yes-man: OK then.

Stephanie: Right, so not him. Is there anyone in ECW we could steal? I mean it's a third rate brand

-picks up phone-

Hear that Paul, THIRD RATE!

-phone down-

So they could spare some stars for us

Lagana: But we only have like two guys since you got rid of Van Dam and Sabu

HHH: Couldn't work

Lagana: Well fine but we need the Punk and Morrison

Hayes: Who?

Stephanie: Oh yeah right, this is totally hilarious, y'know Nitro?

Hayes: Yes

Stephanie: Well I renamed him John Morrison because he looks exactly like Jim Morrison, isn't that funny?

Hayes: Well I suppose it is quite clever, they're quite similar...

Stephanie: I SAID IT'S VERY CLEVER AND HILARIOUS!

Hayes: Yeah, umm, of course, ahahahahahaha?

Yes-man: What? Oh umm hahahah Please don't fire me!

Stephanie: What about Daniel Rodimer? He's totally hot! I mean I'd totally dump HHHy for him if he asked, I mean those tribal tattoos and big biceps, like two big hot-dogs, ohh god sooo gooooddd....

HHH: He can't work!! It'd be stupid to call him up! He said you were fat!

Stephanie: Oh OK then.

HHH: What about my man, Dave?

Hayes: Well we're trying to move him away from the title picture due to possible steroid issues with the media

Finlay: There are no steroids in wrestling! Guerrero's death had nothing to do with steroid related issues! At all! The police were wrong!

Hayes: OK Finlay calm down! Here's some Guinness, now go calm down!

Finlay: You know I resent this stereotyping

Hornswoggle: At least you are Irish!!

Hayes: Anyway, so not Batista at the minute we feel, so we're left with Kane and the Great Khali

Stephanie: What about Benoit?

Lagana: He was drafted to ECW and then went homicidal and killed his family

Stephanie: Wow, when was that?

Rhodes: Abuh Two weeks aguh naw.

Stephanie: Wow

Gerwitz: Yes and now we're never mentioning him on TV again, remember and erasing his name

HHH: Especially from WMXX!

Yes-man: Why, because he beat you?

HHH: No, urrmmm, because he looked homicidal and I'm that damn good!

Yes-man: That made no sense at all

HHH: Shut-it, you're fired!

-Yes-man leaves-

Stephanie: Did Heyman know him?

Hayes: No idea.

Stephanie (into phone) : Hey Paul! PAUL! I just fired someone, he sucked but he was still better than you!

-Vince Enters-

Vince: OK what's going on?

Stephanie: I'm shouting at Heyman

Vince: Whatever makes you happy

Hayes: Also do you want the WHC to go to Khali or Kane?

Vince: Which is bigger?

Hayes: Khali

Vince: Khali then.

Hayes: Ah OK Vince Khali then, because he's big.

Vince: Of course, also he's foreign, thus he's the perfect heel as he doesn't love the USA . Also he's big. Also he fills our ethnic minority obligations. Plus he's big. And the dude oozes charisma. Put him in a match with Batista and Kane, because, well, they're big. I mean with that and Cena vs Lashley I can smell the buyrate! Oh yeah

Rhodes: Well uh Mistur Mcmayhon but

Vince: You saying I'm stupid?!

Rhodes: No

Vince: OK then

Stephanie: Even better with Khali, he's got that manager!

-gets a phone-

Hey Paul, you piece of shit, remember that Asian who liked your booking, well we're parodying him on TV because I'm smart and better than you!

Vince: Is he even there?

Stephanie: Nope, answer machine, but when he gets home he'll get sooo pissed

Gerwtiz: Lolz

And there you go, the detailed process behind making Khali your World Heavyweight Champion!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).