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REMY James Walker
REMY             James Walker

What’s this here? A new feature on The Wrestling Fan? But.. how will it work? With the slew of talent already on the site (Bacon, too!) there’s no room for a new columnist!

 

… so that’s why we’re mashing two together!

 

That’s right folks, Remy/Adam of Demented Diatribe of Doom and James Walker of White Vans And Candy are bringing you a brand spankin’ new concept here… us?!

So, you could say this is a new era for TWF, right? I mean, surely, this moment will go down with the likes of Hiroshima & The Moon Landing (suck on it, Buzz Aldrin.). So, to commemorate this grand occasion, we’re gonna have a nice little chit chat about a different group celebrating a new era… TNA.

What are our thoughts or the Jarrett win at a Border City Wrestling show? Kevin Nash returning into the spotlight? Squash matches on their opening show? Or on the other side of things, the rejuvenatedDudley Deadly Boys? The likes of Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, Chris Sabin et all? Well kiddos, you’re about to find out in the very first installment of…

CANADA’S MOST UNWANTED!

 

That’s right, you, the reader, are going to be subjected to MY (and that other guy’s too) opinions about NWA: TNA. And you may be asking, “Remy, what the hell do you know about NWA: TNA, we’ve never heard you mention it before?” Well, honestly, I haven’t watched TNA at all, except for a few times when it first came out. And you’re thinking “What the hell?” To which, my answer is, indeed I have a large penis. But let me put that back in my pants, and lets get back to wrestling. You see, having not watched TNA means that I have NO bias. In fact, it actually makes me the perfect candidate to give an opinionated … opinion on the topic. Indeed, I am asserting that it is better to be un-biased than informed. Yeah, that’s right. And hey, look at it this way, we’ll learn and grow together. Like some faggy children’s show with fucking dinosaurs that come out of balls and fight … or something.

Y’know, the debater/asshole in me would totally pounce (PUN!) on the claim that knowledge < ignorance, but lo, I’d be contradicting myself as well. Sooo… now that we’ve completely alienated the informed part of our audience, let’s get to the meat & potatoes of TNA… no, I’m not talking about a stiff working 2 Cold Scorpio… but KEVIN NASH!

There’s two obvious sides to this issue. One, Nash is a name that can draw the casual fan into TNA, where upon after seeing such action like the X-Division, they’ll be hooked and they can let ol’ chickenlegs loose. Two, no one would actually pay to see Nash wrestle anyone – let alone Jeff Jarrett, and TNA is shooting themselves before they’re out of the gate by looking like a WWE Wild Card division.

Personally, I see it somewhere in the middle. Nash, by no means, is a good worker. I’d struggle to call him abysmal. However, I like the fella. He knows he stinks it up, and isn’t afraid to admit it. He’s a naturally funny guy, and of all the guys that have fucked Torrie Wilson, I like him best. (Sorry Billy, but y’aint doin’ it for me. Our fire is gone.) That said… there’s no way in hell he should ever fight for a federation’s top prize. See… Jarrett/Nash will main event Bound For Glory, TNA’s Wrestlemania. And do you want your paying audience (televison and live) to be left with the sour taste of Diesel VS Triple J?

To me, the solution is simple. If you *must* have these two trolls duke it out, it’s not for the title. Jarrett never wins the title. If you’re pushing yourself as the alternative to the WWE, why center your first big show around two guys the WWE got rid of… twice?

You said it, Walker , Nash is a dominating powerhouse of pure ratings power. Few wrestlers have shown the dedication that this young up and comer has in recent years. Just look at how he inspired HHH to return from his quad tear, after having recovered from the exact same injury himself! And who could forget that huge match that Nash had with Hogan at Wrestlemania 3?

 

And so far, that is to say nothing of the true draw in TNA: Jeff Jarrett. As Walker said, the sour taste of Nash vs. Jarrett is a scintillating prospect. I mean, who doesn’t love those little sour candies? That’s a compliment if I’ve ever heard one!

 

Now, the only thing I want to know is, what’s the gimmick going to be for their big match? Surely these two high flyers would have a hell of a ladder match, don’t you think?

Oh, for sure. I can see it now… “FLYING STOMP… OFF THE 2nd RUNG!!!”

But that, in itself, is the problem. When these two fought at Against All Odds (which is an ironic PPV title… ‘Against All Odds, Kevin Nash is the #1 contender!!!’ is about as true as ‘Bacon is good’), they used just about every gimmick one could imagine. This was the infamous ‘Cello’ match. We saw just about the entire roster do a run in, 6000 ref bumps, and not one, but TWO debuts.

So, no matter the gimmick, we’ve seen it before. I mean, imagine if Brock/Angle fought at the Royal Rumble… sure, their mania match might be fun, but it wouldn’t have that luster. (Sweet lord… did I just compare Kevin Nash & Jeff Jarrett to Brock Lesnar & Kurt Angle? You’re rubbing off on me, Adam.)

You’d better not tell your dad you’re rubbing off on me, he’ll get jealous.

And hey, that Cello match you just described does indeed sound awesome. With all that action going on, you definitely get more than you paid for! The unfortunate part about it is that having interference really takes the spotlight off of Nash and Jarrett, which really sucks. That’s the kind of thing you pull on guy’s with shitty work rate and/or who are about as over as a skinny chick’s stomach in a fat girl’s pair of pants. Certainly NOT workhorses like Nash and Jarrett. And as far as horses go, it’s like that old expression, “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” which really applies to Jarrett since I’ve heard his breath reeks of shit.

You know, on the subject of gifts, we have the … umm.. Deadly Boys. Is there any better present Vince could have given TNA? I mean, there’s individual talents which could have been useful, but the former Dudleys combine that balance of name value, good ring work, and marketable persona that TNA is severely lacking. With the recent rash of TNA-cock block signings (see: Matt Hardy, Mick Foley), you’d think the WWE would have been smarter than to let these guys jump ship. For every shit move TNA makes, they make a smart one. If the Nash/Jarrett situation is a pile of horse shit, then Mark Lamonica and Devon Hughes on board is an Oxford degree. They’re a perfect fit, and will do wonders for the already excellent tag team division. Plus, toss these guys in any main event, and you won’t hear any complaints from me.

I asked for a clean transition and that’s what you give me? Smooth, Walker, very smooth.

Remy thinks to self: Hmmm, now do I be honest with the fans and admit that I left this to the last minute and it’s entirely my fault that we are now rushing the end of this column, OR … do I blame someone else? I should blame Matt Damon for being so fucking hot too, but that just sounds …gay. Which I’m definitely not. Definitely. It’s okay to think a dude is hot, Remy, it’s okay … really.

(James notes: *insert Warrior comment here*)

Well, fans, I’m going to be honest here, and put the blame where it belongs: Kevin fucking Nash. Turns out there is a good chance he will NOT be at the PPV tonight due to some kind of illness. Could I tie this in somehow with the bit that James had talking about the Deadly boys, for continuity’s sake? No, you should have forgotten about that by now. All the pot you smoked in college had to fuck you up a bit, right? All I can think is that maybe Nash was worried about being upstaged by Bubba’s firm, toned body, making his own look “out of shape,” but really (to be fair), only by comparison to a pure athlete like Bubba.

Nash never ceases to impress me… see, he’s sick and can’t make it to the main event, and we’re sick of seeing him in the main event. Fancy that.

And really, what the fuck is our problem. Here we are, spending all this time talking about a match that probably won’t happen – GO TEAM. I mean, for all the shit we’ve given TNA here, let’s look at a few things they’ve done right on this card:

1: Samoa Joe VS Jushin Lyger: I don’t think this match needs any more hype             beyond: ‘JOE VS LYGER’.

2: AMW VS The Naturals: Sure, people are a little pissed that it’s not   Dudleys/AMW, however, after the brilliant funeral segment & the fact that             they’re not forgetting the Nats completely, I have to commend TNA for having a             little continuity. We all know the outcome, but the story isn’t being rushed – and      Benoit bless that fact.

3: Ultimate X: No disrespect to the guys in it, but who the fuck cares who’s      fighting: it’s gonna be awesome either way. There’s few ways better to showcase       the stellar X-Division.

4: Iron Man Match: Styles VS Daniels: And this is your one and only better      showcase for the X-Division. Sure, we’ve seen it before… and that bit won’t go        forgotten. However, these two will still deliver your best match on the card, and is            there anything really wrong with that? These two will pull out all the stops, and      that’s saying something for these guys.

Toss in a solid undercard with another X-Division match, a hardcore fanboy spotfest, and 3 other matches that can still deliver… and this card is definitely worth talking about. On a side note, I’d now like to mention that as I write this, I’m in my boxers. I just thought you all would enjoy that mental image… except for Remy. He’s banned.

Speaking of cards, my favorite just so happens to be the ACE OF SPADES, like in the Motorhead song. Motorhead, hell fucking yeah!

Ahem, anyway … the truth is that it really is hard to make funny/witty comments about the rest of this PPV. I mean, it’s solid. Moreso than WWE’s last outing by far. The main event might be weak, but the undercard is fantastic. Kind of reminds me of WCW. So yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that the reason I can’t make any jokes about it is because it’s solid, and most definitely NOT because I am not funny and/or extremely fucking lazy. Besides, Walker and I have already poked fun at what we could … FOR NOW!

So, with that, I’m going to wrap things up. Walker kicked it off, and I’m going to bury … I mean, finish it. Plus, Jesus, if he’s really in his boxers I think it’s best that we all just move along. Nobody wants to picture that. Except for that homeless guy by the dumpster, he could live off Walker’s ass for a week (if you know what I mean, wink wink).

Anyway, thanks for reading all of this, I know it’s a monster. Please visit our forums, and either tell us how much you love us, or how much you hate us. Or, just shoot the shit with us about anything under the sun. Big thanks to Walker for working with me on this one too. And, as always, check out the other fantastic writers on the main page, they’re good shit. Lastly, thanks to Carless for giving me a home here at TWF. Cheers!

You think I’m letting you get the last word? Oh ho ho, no no, that was a weak sign off. ‘Cheers’? What the fuck was that? Come on man, you can do better. .. well, I can.

‘Go rot in a basement, you pubic barbers’

 Still here? Haven’t had enough of us yet? Well, for our hardcore fans and readers, there is MORE. And by MORE I mean … so much less than you’re probably hoping for, no matter how low your expectations are.

 Alright kids, I’ve got a story for you. You all might enjoy it.

So, at a place in time, I dated this girl. Don’t worry, it’s before I was in the IWC, so I didn’t break that cardinal rule. Anywho, I was at her place, and for some strange reason, my hands ended up down her pants. Well, I figured since I was there, I might as well make it enjoyable, so you know, stuff happened. And, for some reason, she seemed to be really enjoying it.. I could, umm, feel how much she was enjoying it. Well, cool stuff. So after a bit of this, she’s all like ‘Do you want to do it?’ and I’m all ‘Girl.. you know it’s true!’… so I go to complete my mission, and then I see it.

BLOOD. EVERYWHERE.

Yeah.. not just any blood, but period blood. It was all over my hands, and her sheets were ruined beyond all comprehension.

Now… here’s the question you have to ask yourself. Did he go through with it? I’ll let you decide.

             

Damn, Walker , that’s a great story. “Dear Penthouse,” lol.            

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*Pics & logos created by Sean Carless.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).