Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum
Guess who's rumored to be playing Captain America? Don't know? Well, it'd be coooooler if ya did... because, the big rumor out of Tinsel-town right now is that the announced 2011 adaptation of CAPTAIN AMERICA, just may star good ole Wooderson himself, Matthew McConaughey! And I say, why not? He wouldn't even need the Serum. You could just light him a big fat red white and blue bowl, and he'd become just as impervious to injury. And if not? Well, he won't remember shit come morning anyway. I'm telling you, it'd save the government MILLIONS. Ok, tens of thousands. There'd likely stilly be a huge grant needed to cover all the bags of Funyons and raw cookie-dough required to maintain Caps' sustenance.
Seriously though, the thought of a laid-back slacker pot-head playing the completely straight-laced, no-nonsense poster boy of Americana brings me nothing but joy. And not just because I'm also high, and everything right now brings me joy. Not even.  And not just because half the movie would feature the rest of the Avengers desperately trying to get Caps out of bed before 3pm and then getting furious when he trades in his suit and shield for a pair of Bongos and a fucking Hemp necklace, all while he uses Iron Man's suit power-reserve to host his grow room. From there, the other half of the movie is just him no-showing a final showdown against the Nazi's so he can petition congress to legalize Marijuana. It's a recipe for success! A recipe that contains two parts brownies and two parts pot, and equal parts SWEET FUCKING HIGH. But the best part of the whole debacle would definitely be the potential dialogue. Trust me. Just look:
Captain America: "You know what I like about this Super Soldier Serum, man? They keep gettin' older, but I keep stayin' the same age..."
This shit writes itself. I'm telling you.
So, here's to Matthew McConaughey as Captain America! Now all we have to do is get Woody Harrelson cast as Red Skull, and the cycle will be complete. The whole movie can culminate in them just putting aside that whole "Freedom vs. Tyranny thing", splitting some Acapulco Gold while sitting on the sofa in big assed Bermuda shorts, eating Cheetoes, staring at their hands and laughing, and having conversations that they'll never ever remember having. Conversations like THIS:
Captain America: "So, why do they call you, Red Skull, Red Skull?"
Red Skull: "Duuude, I think it's 'cause I got a Red Skull."
Captain America: "That's cooool. Have you ever thought about that, man? I mean, really thought about it? You got a Red Skull, and they call you Red Skull? Imagine how all awkward that'd be if you're skull wan'nt red? People'd get all confused and shit and be all saying, this whole thing'd make waaaayyy more sense if his skull was the right color. It's totally cool, really when you really, really think about it".
Red Skull: "That's so true, man. Hahaha. Soooo, true. Red Skull. And I got a red skull. I'm just lucky, I guess."
Captain America: "You're telling me. So, tell me, man, why do they call you Red Skull anyway?"...
Tell me you wouldn't watch this movie.
I'm Sean.
And my judgment can't be trusted. Because I also want Jason Mewes cast as Thor, and Kevin Smith cast as ANYBODY. If I have my way, the entire Avenger's headquarters will be smokier than a fucking Turkish Bath house. Plus, when the Authorities get tipped off, they can just all give their Stash to Ant-Man, and he can shrink that shit down 'til the smoke (HIYO) clears. And I'll love every fucking minute of it. Mostly because my diminished capacity will insist on it.

  Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling , 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).