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BRINGING HOME THE BACON


The self-proclaimed Baconman can be summed up in three words: IDIOT. And ... SUCCESS STORY. (Unfortunately.).

In August of 2004, in what was supposed to be just a one week stint as a joke, Canadian Bacon, an alleged rural pewter-statuette salesman from Moosewater Saskatchewan who bears a startling resemblance to actor Kevin Bacon, and a self-professed "INSIDER OF WRESTLING WRITERY", arrogantly and ignorantly debuted at TWF - and what happened next, no one predicted. HE GOT POPULAR. REALLY, REALLY POPULAR. AND QUICK.

Professing an unmatched "knowledge of knowing things", Canadian Bacon soon spent the next 6+ years on and off alienating Staff to the point of legit death threat (seriously), bothering wrestlers online under the guise of being their "colleagues", and even starting an ongoing feud with site owner Sean Carless over what he insists is a bias in Writer of the Year voting - a travesty, in his words, that he attempted to remedy several years ago by embedding The RING videotape into an ad so people would be forced to vote for him or die one week later.).

Offensive, Racist, Backward, and apparently lacking even basic grammar, spelling and sentence structuring, Canadian Bacon, folksy nobody-cum millionaire-cum often, apparently (You'll soon learn the horrifying reason why) continues to be a staple here at TWF, regardless of his indecency and seeming perpetual coming and going mental retardation - a staple we can't seem to remove no matter how hard we try.

THESE ARE HIS STORIES. (DUN. DUN.).

THE FULL CANADIAN BACON ARCHIVE - Teasers written by The Baconman himself.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (08/21/04) GIANT GONZALEZ: MISUNDERSTOOD TECHNICIAN! Before he legit died and had 2 face the 2nd Undertaker of his illustrious career, Giant Gonzalez was one of the most underrated wrestlers EVER to wear a 7 foot fur bodysuit. This is the story of one man's brave journey from the jungles of parts unknown to the bright lights of somewhere, and my 1st column EVER! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (08/28/04) THE UNDERTAKER: KINDA MAYBE THE BEST WRESTLER IN THE EVAR!!!11! Some ppl like to get down on the Undertaker. I prefer to get down with him. (Brother can cut a serious rug. or one w/ a great sense of humor! both!). No dancing this time, though. Just bigtime PROPS. CLICK HERE to read

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (09/04/04) VIRGIL: UNCROWNED CHAMPION. He once had a belt worth at least a hundred dollars I'm told. This was reason enough 4 me to think he deserved more (turned out i was wrong, though.). CLICK HERE to read

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (09/12/04) DIESEL: GREATEST WWF CHAMPION EVER! He had a great match one time. I think. This was my homage to Big Daddy Cool. (I still have my one black glove/psoriasis).CLICK HERE to read

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (09/27/04) WRESTLERS WHO DON'T SUCK As a bigtime wrestling expert in the field of wrestling expertise, sometimes i have to pull rank and tell u what to think. This is one of those times. CLICK HERE to read

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (10/16/04) WRESTLERS WHO KINDA SUCK Sometimes in life there are ppl are are just not that good and u, the little ppl, just need to hear the truth w/ ur own eyes. join me as i deconstruct (but not really, i hardly have the tools) some of wrestling's most overrated guys and tell what's what and such. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (10/30/04) USA IS NOT OK! I've had it up to here (can you see me doing this?) with all the Xenophobia in your country. But enough about irrational fear of Lucy Lawless. Here i talk about guys who shoulda dropped the blue, and fully embraced the red & white. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (11/13/04) BACON-BITS: BACON ANSWERS YOUR FAQ'S Just when u think u have all the answers, I ask some questions. Sometimes i even answer them. Like this time. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (11/28/04) BACON GIVES THANKS! the real thanksgiving takes place in October, so that means we're better. These were some legit awesome things in wrestling & life i was genuinely thankful for. Kind of. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (01/08/05) EVERYBODY LOVES BACON! Sometimes legit wrestlers talk 2 me and don't call the police. Here's some examples. CLICK HERE to read

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (02/13/05) 2005 BACON HALL OF FAME! That's right, the REAL deal, yo. I don't really have any set criteria, but I don't really have to. Im kinda awesome. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (03/30/05) BACONMANIA The real-life legit heartbreaking story of how I almost got to Wrestlemania 21 if not for jamaicans & sweet songstresses + my bigtime predictions for the event itself. (I'm a veritable modern day Amazing Foreskin). CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (05/05/05) ASK BACON ANYTHING! I prolly coulda just talked about these things anyway, but since I'm somewhat of a big time Internety celebrity type, I figured I'd instead open it up to my millions of baconfans and answer their questions, then tell them why they're wrong & suck. Enjoy! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (06/26/05) BACON= TRUE WRESTLING INSIDER! I trade even more emails w/ real-life Wrestlers against lawyers advice. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (09/19/05) THE BACON RÉPORT: The bigtime historic DEBUT of the industry leader in wrestling Newsery! In this edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, I blew the lid (and only that, 'cause I'm no queer) off JBL's legit divinity + reveal that Ray Charles corpse was suing John Cena for trademark infringement, and Ultimate Warrior (the 2nd one) gets blown up! All true! All here! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (12/14/05) THE BACON RÉPORT In this edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, I reveal ...my penis, but u have no idea because ur on a computer! Plus, news on Chris Candido's secret to quick weight loss + Vince McMahon begins drug testing, maybe literally (Is that why he always has a red nose?) and Lex Luger causes trouble on a plane that is sadly not red, white & blue! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (02/03/06) 2006 BACON HALL OF FAME! Even more deserving wrestlers get inducted in my hollowed halls (I really need 2 get them fixed sometime). CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (02/03/06) BACON SMACKDOWN RÉPORT! The show that's changing Friday night's (They never said what to, though). On this night, we learn EDDIE GUERRERO IS IN HELL. I knew he'd prolly regret all that stealing one day! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (02/10/06) BACON SMACKDOWN RÉPORT! The show that's still changing Friday Night's, even though it still looks and feels like a Friday and nothing's changed and I'm lonely and im paraphrasing! On this night, Undertaker brings the power of the darkside 2 face a... powerful darkie? YES!!!! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (02/24/06) BACON SMACKDOWN RÉPORT! The Show that still insists its changing Friday Nights, maybe even to a night where u don't feel like such a loser faggot 4 watching wrestling instead of havin' friends! But not me! I reviewed it. Stuff happened. I think. CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (03/02/06) THE BACON RÉPORT In this edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, I showed proof that Muhammad Hassan was NOT a terrorist at all (despite being brown & scary), but actually an ALIEN! Plus Marty Jannetty looks to possibly build a temporary shelter out of tiger striped boots & purple pants and WWE began their wellness policy, under the nefarious Dr. Black (I remember back in the 60's when he was still openly called Dr. Negro.). CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (04/10/06) THE BIGTIME BACON TNA RÉPORT The Baconman gives his one and only take on TNA! (whose else would it be?). From Bullet Bob being 150 years old, (giv'er take a decade!) to the X-Division staving off an alien assault at the pay-per-view, all the way to the bigtime unstable molecules of Abyss, only me, myself, CB can see this much in a one hour wrestling show! (I never watched it.). CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (05/24/06) THE BACON RÉPORT In this edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, I formally announce my LEGIT RICHNESS OF ACTUAL MONIES (literally hundreds) and why shirtless black ppl w/ bow-ties should be contacting me immediately + I exposed the super secret details of God's bigtime debut and release in WWE, and how a flood was barely avoided! Plus, insidey inside insider news on Ric Flair's roid rage and how Prepration H prolly coulda spared & helped a man of his age + more news on Extra-Terrestrials in the World X Cup in TNA (They never specified which worlds were eligiable!). CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (08/24/06) BACONTENNIAL! Celebrating two years of Bacony greatness w/ more letters to wrestlers who pretend they don't know me + bigtime news on DANGEROUS TERRORISTS IN ECW. Did ppl chant "ECW-Dub! EC-Dub!" when the towers fell? CLICK HERE to find out!!!11

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (10/26/06) THE BACON RÉPORT In this edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, I reveal a bigtime health scare for Mark Henry, but how there's still ten painful years left though (for us w/ his contract), Cpl Kirchener dies but not really then turns to murdering teenagers w/ legit chainsaws, and Kanyon reveals that he's gay even though his voice came out YEARS before! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (05/20/07) THE BACON RÉPORT In this edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, I reveal how I was legit kidnapped & sold into indentured (not really, i still have my teeth) servitude after simply wanting my own Virgil, + the super secret reason why ppl hate Carlito backstage and how you can catch the cancer off him, + the emancipation of Big Show, and his forty acres & a mule (he already ate the mule!!!) CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (06/02/07) BACON'S BIGTIME RÉPORT OF SATURDAY NIGHT'S MAIN EVENT & SUCH. Dead midgets! The Military succumbing to the mighty might of mighty Giants! Strippers being abused by tiny little hands! (not mine!) And a match featuring a lot of guys who prolly won't even have jobs this time next year. IT's AWESOME!!!111 And right HERE.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (11/28/08) ACHIN' FOR BACON! In this jumbo-sized or big even edition of News for People who wants to know stuff, UFC to possibly really legit add more entertainment to their product, and will WWE follow suit? + real life deaths of wrestlers who unlike Undertaker aren't comin' back this time, + Trish Stratus opens a yogurt studio! I think! CLICK HERE to read.

BRINGING HOME THE BACON: (09/20/10) BACON'S BIGTIME PPV RÉPORT OF NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS & SUCH My bigtime return to INFORMATION w/ a show originally gonna be called "Night of guys getting belts so maybe then you'll finally care about them and we'll maybe even sell some knock-off toys that you'll have to hide in front of actual cool kids with so they don't beat you to death fer bein' such a pansy-ass homo faggot with plastic belts on." They luckily changed it, though, or else they'd have to have built a DVD case miles long for the graphic!1111 Good thinking! CLICK HERE to read why it sucked or was good. (Can't remember.).

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).