DVD Review: 1 Night in China
Have you ever known ahead of time that there was something you knew you didn’t want to see but still had a morbid fascination with to look at anyway? I think this type of phenomenon is what keeps a show like Fear Factor on NBC in business. Seriously, I gag at the very thought of drinking a “bile shake” mixed with live maggots, but yet I still watch. For some of us, there must be a part of our brain that wants to be uncomfortable. How else can you explain motorists slowing down to gawk at a car wreck, websites such as www.rotten.com, or the celebrity status of Rosie O’Donnell?
Allow me to introduce 1 Night in China.
Everyone here probably
remembers the story behind the now infamous Paris Hilton sex video. If not, I’ll
give a quick recap. While Paris was dating a guy by the name of Rick Solomon,
they filmed themselves having sex several times. After breaking up, Paris went
on to become a national television celebrity and Solomon decided he would sell
their sex tapes. Footage from these tapes became the rage for a while and there
was even a high profile parody of them on Saturday Night
Live. The adult entertainment company Red Light
District produced a DVD of the homemade tapes with the clever title 1 Night in Paris and it
went on to become one of the biggest selling adult DVDs in the history of the
industry. Why? Because the public has a fascination with seeing celebrities
nude, hence the success years before of a Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee video,
websites such as Mr. Skin, and Playboy magazine's
spike in sales whenever it publishes photos of an A-list star.
Enter Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, former WWE talent, Playboy model, horrible singer (Chynna Doll), low budget film actress and all around attention whore. With her career falling to D-level status (Celebrity Boxing 2) Laurer signed onto a show which has proven to be a haven for has-beens, The Surreal Life. As it so happens, the Paris Hilton DVD was released shortly before her television show (The Simple Life) was to begin and Laurer followed the same path upon releasing 1 Night in China. As they say in show business kids, timing is everything.
On to the DVD!
Be forewarned, this review is for all ages and anything inappropriate will be edited out.
During the main title introduction, Laurer is seen stripping and also applying a dominatrix-like outfit. She then hits herself with a small whip. OK then. This is all about as sexual as a Linda McMahon promo on Monday Night Raw, but I’ve seen uglier women. I can get through this. We then quickly go to a screen showing a plane landing in China. Lo and behold it’s Sean Waltman, who says, “I’m the craziest motherf---er you’ll ever meet in your entire life. Not maliciously, I don’t want to hurt anybody..” WTF? If you don’t remember Waltman, maybe you remember what Jim Cornette said about him a couple years ago in the middle of the Monday Night Wars: “And then you've got a guy, Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason he's employed is because the other guys think he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this wrestling war got started, that was released from a valid contract for one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.”
In Tiananmen Square (you know, the place where that one kid stood up to a tank) Waltman goofed on a picture of General Mao. I’m not quite sure how cool it would be if a Chinese person did a porn DVD and mocked President Lincoln at his memorial in Washington. A Chinese man started talking about Chinese dynasties to Waltman and “X-Pac” looked like he was trying to contemplate nuclear physics during this exchange. We then got some interior shots of some sort of temple. Why? Who knows? I’d also like to point out that I have read several reviews that say that this footage is actually Laurer filming Waltman but I’m almost positive this is not the case. It is much more likely that once Red Light District bought the sexual footage off of Laurer, they sent Waltman and a professional camera crew to China for some shots. There is absolutely no way an untrained person was filming Waltman during all of this.
After some more exterior shots of China we are quickly in the room of Laurer and Waltman. Laurer is dressed up in her leather dominatrix uniform that we saw earlier and the footage is entirely in black and white. If only The Blair Witch Project could have been this scary.
You have to picture that while all this is going on there is music in the background provided by Laurer herself singing at a rock club. It’s as bad as you think. Chynna Doll then “played the skin flute” while Waltman returns the favor by “lip synching to the fish-fueled jukebox.” Get over it, this is a publication the entire family reads. When it came time for them to do the “hippity dippity” (© Big Daddy) we had a choice view of Sean Waltman’s ass the entire time thanks to a poorly mounted camera. Although in retrospect, that might not have been a bad thing. Out of nowhere the DVD cut to Waltman at one of the seven wonders of the world, the Great Wall of China.
After Waltman aimlessly walked around a Chinese city we cut to another sex scene. This time it is in color. Laurer started off sitting on a bathroom sink. Waltman handed the camera to Laurer and went “diving in the bushes head first.” The sound effects used during this exchange really have to be heard to be believed. I think a foley artist must have worked on this because there is no way human beings make those kind of sounds naturally. With Sean wielding the camera we get a close up shot of Laurer’s you-know-what.
Wait a second.
Is that what I think it is?
It can’t be.
It just can’t….
OH DEAR GOD NO.
JOANIE LAURER HAS A PENIS?!
This is incredible! How has
this not come to my attention?! I mean, that’s big news isn’t it? Well, at least
it is up here in New Hampshire. Maybe I’m seeing things, but it looks exactly
like Laurer has a three inch penis on her “girl parts” (pierced, natch.) This certainly wasn’t in that Playboy pictorial I saw several years back. You know,
for years I never understood what the big deal with The
Crying Game was. Well, now I know. There
are three events I will remember exactly where I was for the rest of my life. The first was back in 1985 when I was in grade
school and the NASA Challenger blew up in air (with New Hampshire “teacher in space” Christa McAuliffe in tow).
The second was September 11, 2001. The last is seeing Joanie “Chyna” Laurer with a penis. This is so depressing…I
need to figure out if that whole Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind thing can work. SERENITY NOW!
Anyhoo, back to the DVD, Laurer was thankful for Sean’s “clam digging” and quickly responds in kind with a little “sword swallowing” herself. This is actually one of the highlights of the DVD because when Laurer is on her knees and the camera is looking down at her she looks almost human.
The two then went to “having relations” “Greek style” and we got to see Laurer’s ass acne. You read that right, ASS ACNE. You ever want to stick red hot pokers straight into your eye sockets so you could never see anything so horrible again? Even though it seemed to last forever, a couple minutes later Laurer was back to “pickle smoking.” Then, in what is truly one of the most amazing things I have EVER seen in an adult video, we almost get a “montage” of scenes that the DVD (I think) tries to get over as if it is one long encounter. Even though the lighting is different, the clothing is different and the location is different, all the scenes are all spliced together, ending with a quick “money shot” by Waltman. The only thing I can compare this to is the bizarre sequences of wrestling matches in Sting: The Moment of Truth in which the wrestlers fought in an empty arena but crowd shots from TNA and WCW shows were edited in. INCONCEIVABLE!
I’m still stunned and not sure if I can gather my thoughts right now. So I reached out to some people in the wrestling community to see what they thought of this DVD:
Wrestling Observer's Dave Meltzer: This coming Monday's issue has complete coverage of quite possibly the most important video in the modern history of professional wrestlers making complete asses of themselves (literally). We have analysis of the Chynna Doll/X-Pac tape, the backgrounds and careers of both Joanie Laurer and Sean Waltman, the controversy stemming from the “deep penetration” scene, and the failed negotiations for the “colon performance.” We also have an update on the Playboy mansion fight between the two and how it relates to the movie, and full details on how the couples’ “money shot” ranks with more legendary adult film orgasms. We have insider information on why Sanchez is Dirty, the legacy of the Cleveland Steamers, and how hot it gets in the Dutch Oven. We also look at how negotiations to use the Japanese-issued Bob Sapp dildo fell apart, and how that affected my enjoyment of the film.
The Observer is now in its 22nd year of being the leading insider publication on everything in the world. It is subscribed to by thousands of the most informed wrestling fans -- usually the ones who think an enjoyable Saturday night consists of hanging out and watching two washed up ex-wrestlers in a sex tape -- in all 50 states, several territories, and 38 countries (down from 40 due to worldwide hurricanes). It contains 1,125,000 to 1,135,000 words of the smallest text viewable to the human eye. Many issues are roughly double the size of War and Peace, and if printed in normal text size would equal nineteen bibles stacked on top of each other, topped off with a San Diego Chargers media guide
Figure Four Weekly’s~! Frank A. Gotch: Good day fine readers! It is I, Frank A. Gotch, the Diftinguifed World’s Champion Wreftler and News-Letter publisher here to warn you of scandalous and heathen behavior in my once-proud sport that dares to expose our youth to filth! Around Christ-mas, yours truly had the unfortunate experience of walking in on my boy-servant, Young Alvarez, as he stared at the moving-picture box he has set up in his quarters. And what did my 127-year young eyes see? A deviant sexu’al act -- made worse when I was told it was between two competitors from my Sport of Kings! It’s sad enough that some of my brethren act in such mischievous ways, but the images of that big, muscle-bound man naked and abusing that smaller, greasier man so close to thy Lord’s Day was just too much for your be-lov’d champion to handle! If it wasn’t for this damn’d political-correctness, I’d say a thrashing of those two gentlemen is in order, and perhaps a well-gripped toe-hold would be the elixir that cures them of their tom-foolery. Well, I must depart you now, dear readers. Your champion has training to attend to, as I continue to travel the globe looking for challengers and offering all of you the honour of being inspired first-hand by my greatness. Until next time, huzzah!
Vincent Verhei (Figure 4 Weekly~!): As a man who has somehow parlayed his success as friend into a regular contributing spot for the Figure 4 Weekly~! (Bryan's Note: It's really not an accomplishment. After years of watching my work in the ring, all my readers expectations are really low.) I've had the great luck to review many things in my time. Some good (like Jim Cornette's OVW), some bad, (Tommy Dreamer's OVW), and some that are just f---ing off-the-charts. (MIDGET BLUE MONKEY~!) But never before have I reviewed anything with a link to either porn or professional wrestling that has affected me so negatively. I know what your thinking, "But Vince, the way you sweat that CMLL ring girl with the glass-etching nipples, I thought you loved really hard looking chicks with over-the-top boob implants." And that, of course, is TRUE. But, I don't care how many copies of Playboy were sold, IT'S A MAN, BABY. You know, if Chyna would have posed for one of Larry Flynt's fine publications instead of Hugh Heffner's, we wouldn't be in this situation today. Anyway, from a 90-pound weakling showing his ass (in the non-wrestling, literal, way) to his jokes about Chairman Mao, to the fact that he was orally pleasuring a woman, whose slice of not-so-goodness can only be compared to the face of a Muscovy duck, the only thing I can say is that I'll never take a Super Porky-Cien Caras match for granted again. VIVA LUCHA LIBRE~!
Zach Arnold, PuroresuPower.com: The no-talent hack known as Derek Burgan has insulted my grand intelligence once again by BEGGING me to be a part of one of his childish projects. Normally, I just ignore his requests and just take out my frustrations on Dr. Keith Lipinski and Mike Sempervive. Usually, I badger them over what they find so funny about Derek's work, and why they would even want to be associated with such trash, when they owe all of their professional success to me - but this time was slightly different. I haven't felt this strongly about doing a tape review since Pride Fighting's money-making Shockwave supershow - that I promptly ripped to shreds. Why? Because I'm sure whatever these other left-wing clowns are saying about the movie is the typical internet garbage that, as a real online journalist, I have no time for. I've personally seen this film several times, and I only have one word to describe it: Tremendous. Unlike these other so-called reporters, I've also done my research. Being that I'm an expert in the strong style, I even rewound several important parts, and played them in extra slow motion, to make sure the work was as stiff as possible. I also had to make sure that the climax of the physicality was on par with the great David Von Erich-Terry Gordy matches of the 80's - and considering the amount of cocaine that the two probably did before taping, it was. Much like I was disapointed over the fact that no one died during an actual FMW event (which would have gave me a mountain of material to complain about), I am disapointed that Waltman didn't recieve a large, black strap-on dildo up the ass, as that's the highspot I usually mark out for. But, Chyna's grunting and that labia that went on for days was enough to satisfy me. Now get off your lazy asses and send me $20 bucks, so I'll never have to find out what real work is actually like.
Jeremy Borash: Hello, again everyone. It’s
been awhile since I’ve been able to do a ‘Rash Review for anything, as it’s been
incredibly busy here in TNA. The big impending move from 3 to 4 pm ET, on the
Fox Sports Net channels that remember to show us, is just another sign that
Total Nonstop Action is taking the world by storm, and has me working in
overdrive. Now, I wouldn’t want to name drop, but my good friend Scott Baio --
who myself and Ron Killings were partying with at Tiffany Brissette’s house
(she’s a legend for her work as Vicki the Robot on Small Wonder) -- let me see
the infamous Chyna and Waltman video. While it’s interesting and, dare I say a
little erotic, I can say that it runs a far second to my performance in the
inspirational drama, Sting – Moment of Truth to be
sure. And yeah, on their show you get two people having sex, but with TNA you
get the most innovative game of chicken ever created, Ultimate X. (I hear those guys up north are still looking for a way to steal
it.) And really, what would you rather watch, a big freak and a greasy drunk act
like jerks or Kevin Nash and Scott Hall? Is the answer clear? Indeed!
WWE's Jim Ross: Greetings from under the black Resitol 200X hat, ladies and gentleman. Good 'ol J.R. here to tell you that I've seen some real slobber-knockers in my time, but never anything like that tape of Sean and Joanie. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee have nothing on these two former WWE Superstars, I assure you. That Chyna is a real hoss in the bedroom, but neither one are quite there as far as working that WWE style of adult presentation. I oughta know. Why do you think I have three ex-wives? By gawd, you can't help but become fascinated with naked mounds of flesh bumping against each other like two Alabama jack-rabbits during mating season when you work with Missy Hyatt for quite sometime. I know from traveling with The King how wild he can be, but Missy was a young lady that understood how to get over. And under, and to the side, and most impressively upside-down hanging from the lighting rig at the Mid-South Coliseum. By gawd, she was special and I wish her the best with some of the personal demons that not only she, but Chyna and Sean have gone through. Obviously, if the two ever get their heads back in the game, and spend a little time down in OVW for some seasoning, and work to gain back the trust of their peers in the locker room, by gawd we may see a main event slobber-knocker between the blessing of Mr. McMahon.
Bryan Alvarez: For years there have people that can't understand why I will randomly TYPE IN ALL CAPS. Sometimes it's done to give the strong effect of something that happened, or was said. And other times it's drive home the point of how strong my thoughts and opinions are on a topic. (Me's Note: This does not also go for the tilde-bangs and exclamation points, which stay around due to all of Wade Keller's writers copying it at one point or another - which really angers and confuses him. YAY~!~!~!) Now that you know why I type that way, I must say after having the great misfortune of seeing Chyna's Princess Albert:
PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME~!~!~!~!~!
How this did not cause an international incident is beyond me. For the money, time, and effort that's put into anti-drug efforts in schools, you could instead save on all of that and just show teenagers this video. Think you need the remedial efforts of Judge Hatchett's shitty neo-Scared Straight shows? FUCK NO. The visual of what happens when drugs and BOOZE~! consume your insides, and rot your brain to the point that you feel it's actually a good idea to appear in a porn with a man who's half your size - and a woman who's double yours - should surely leave the lasting effect on a kid that an afterschool special never could. PODER~! Come to think of it, this may have been what RAMPAGE JACKSON watched before he discovered religion. I've been told recently that the sex tape was actually easier to watch than any volume of the Super Chico videos. I AM NOT AMUSED. Unlike The Ultimate Insiders, those were bad on purpose. You either have to be really oblivious or REALLY fucked up to put yourself out there for so much ridicule, like these two have. But, unfortunatly, much like a Bruce Mitchell column, they probably have no clue
Keller, PWTorch: The story of this show should
have been what it was - a train wreck of curiosity and copulation, played out
for the masses. Still, this show wasn't nearly as bad as some people have made
it out to be. While it won't be remembered as a classic from a workrate
standpoint, there wasn't anything on here nearly as bad as Kane and Undertaker
vs. Kronik. Waltman carried the show to at least *** by not boo boo facing when
faced with Laurer's well-endowed genitalia. Laurer, on the other hand, was
ultimately unconvincing in her role of reassuring Waltman that the size of his
penis was, in fact, up to par. You could tell that she wishes he were packing
something a bit larger in those leather pants of his.
The ending, while a bit of a surprise, was very well done. While I was expecting a more predictable finishing move such as the "pearl necklace" or “the Hostess creampie” onto the face, I felt that Waltman “tossing the white rope” onto Laurer's rear was an appropriate finish for what was a passable, but not great, performance.
The only real problem I had with this show was Waltman's mocking of China (the country) as a way to put himself over. Is it great that Waltman and Laurer are visiting China? Absolutely. Should Waltman use it as a platform for DX-esque antics? No. That besmirches what should be an apolitical entertaining of the fornicating masses. BONUS MATERIAL: Like 1 Night in Paris, this DVD comes with four bonus scenes from other movies in the Red Light District movie collection. There is also a second DVD that is full of promotional material for what would seem like every adult DVD ever made.
At least the DVD's bonus material features hot women!
Thoughts: Ever see that episode of The Simpsons in which Bart and Milhouse get a chance to
go into Comic Book Guy’s private stash of bootleg videos? In a way, this is like
that. As much as parts of this DVD are jaw droppingly shocking, It belongs in a
wrestling fan’s library in much the same way that a Star Wars fan should have a
copy of The Star Wars Christmas Special. Comic book fans should do what they can to get
a hold of Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four movie or any of those campy Justice League ones that had Adam West as Batman in
them. Not because they are good, but because they are extremely bad. It’s the kind of thing you can tell your friends
about and they honestly won’t believe you until they see it for themselves. If
you would like a copy of 1 Night in China Click HERE.
Special thanks to PuroresuPowerHour’s own Mike Sempervive & Keith Lipinski, Sensational Scott Paris, OVW Specialist~! Mike Roe and the only good looking Ram’s fan on the planet, Lauren Atchley, for their help with this review.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).