Immediately after the show
I began my assault, emailing Sean daily to see if he had watched the movie so he
could send it up to me. I should have gotten a warning when Sean said, “it’s
bad…real bad,” but nothing was going to stop me once I had my heart set on
seeing this disc. It certainly didn’t help my case when I saw the back of the
box and it read “special appearances by: Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, Jeff
Jarrett, Ric Flair.” In my mind I had envisioned this incredible movie that had
all these guys in acting parts.
Well, I was
wrong.
Dead
wrong.
First of all, I feel the
billing of wrestlers constitutes a version of fraud considering they only appear
in quick flashbacks to matches Sting was in while in WCW. I have absolutely no
idea how Sting convinced the WWE to let him use footage from WCW Clash of the
Champions and PPVs, but he did it.
On to the
movie~!
Sting: Moment of Truth actually started out with a bit a creativity, mixing in flashbacks of two kids watching old school wrestling intermixed with a hand painting black strokes onto a white canvas. Eventually the canvas “morphed” into Sting’s face and this was a pretty neat shot. Little did I know this would be the highlight of the film. Sting was met in his dressing room by a guy who actually said, “I’m with the newspaper.” Yeah, "the newspaper." This clown was wearing a suit and tie along with a baseball cap. Whoever was in charge of costumes for this movie should be blackballed from ever working again.
Just to show you what type of movie this was, I
think a key scene happened early as the reporter dropped his pencil and it
rolled directly under Sting’s chair. The reporter looked at Sting and realized
Sting wasn’t going to go get the pencil so the reporter went down and was about
to go under Sting’s chair when Sting said, “Here, use this,” and handed the
reporter a pen. WHAT THE F--- IS GOING ON HERE? I’m eight minutes into the movie
and it feels like two hours. Anyhoo, the interplay between Sting and the
reporter was groan inducing but it was all a set up for Sting to talk about his
past.
We are then introduced to a
really young Sting (who had an verbally abusive dad…I think) which quickly
switched to a young adult Sting in a scene very reminiscent of Disney’s
Tarzan and The Lion King. As in, you see the young Sting running
and it segues into an older Sting running. Sting fell in love with the world of
bodybuilding and moved out to Southern California as we got to see every piece
of free stock footage the director could get a hold of in a montage. Out of
nowhere, and I rewound this part like ten times to make sure I heard it right,
Sting said, “California used to be the land of opportunity before taxes took
over.”
"Before taxes took over?!"
Who wrote the script to this movie? Arnold Schwarzenegger?!
Man, my head is still
spinning on that one. Sting ended up co-running a gym with a friend and was one
day approached by a guy named Rick Bassman along with a bunch of juiced up
muscleheads. Bassman wanted Sting to be the fourth member of a wrestling team he
was putting together called Power Team USA. Eventually Sting agreed and this is
where he met Jim Hellwig (a/k/a the Ultimate Warrior). We got to see a little of
Sting’s training with the Rick Bassman character (who reminded me a little of
the Martin Landau character in Ready to Rumble, except about 300 pounds
bigger) but this was just as bad as anything on that Wrestling’s Secrets
Exposed special several years ago.
Sting got
a call from “Mr. Jarrett” and headed down to Memphis along with Hellwig. Time
for another bad song and horrible montage which actually included a scene of the
boys getting pulled over and getting what I presume was a speeding ticket.
During this period of his life, Sting said he was living on no money (shown by
him living on shakes made out of tuna fish and…ORANGE JUICE?!) and making a
reputation as a wrestler who hurts his opponents in the ring. Somewhere Nathan
Jones is screaming, “gimmick infringement!" Sting also met the love of his life,
Sue, and quickly got married. To put it bluntly, Sue was not prepared to live
the life of a poorly paid indie wrestler. Sting talked about renting out a room
in their house to a wrestler named “Angel of Death” who was actually Ron or Don
Harris. I'm not sure exactly which one of those goofs though. In a moment of
desperation, Sting prayed to God for some success, something he claimed to have
never done before.
Success came as the fast
food chain Hardee’s paid Sting to appear at several of their store openings.
This reminded me of that great Simpsons episode when Homer became a
Krusty the Clown to appear at Krusty Burger openings. Basically, like Sting,
Homer painted himself up to do meet and greets at various restaurants. They also
used this scene to take another shot at wrestling fans as one of the fans who
ask Sting for his autograph is one of those guys who believe wrestling is
"real." I don’t understand this DVD at all. Sting also went to WCW around this
time and it was quite the shock to all of a sudden see footage from a Clash of
the Champions (I think) with Sting facing off against Ric Flair with Paul
Orndorff, Junkfood Dog and the Steiner Brothers outside the ring. Man, Jim Ross
sounded so different back then! After the match, in an unintentionally hilarious
scene, Sting met with some people in the lobby of his hotel who said they were
friends of Ted Dibiase. When Sting says he is late for his flight one of the
guys actually said to him, “If that plane goes down, do you know where you’ll
spend eternity?” Sting did a group praying session with the guys but vowed to
punch Dibiase in the mouth the next time he saw him.
For you TNA fans, Sting
then had a match against ABYSS~! This was taped with no fans in the building
(maybe it was a SmackDown house show?) and it was cut with crowd shots from
different wrestling shows. Quite surreal to see a match with two guys obviously
on an empty set mixed in with crowd shots from various TNA and WCW shows over
the years. This was straight out of a movie like …And God
spoke or
Spinal Tap, except for those it is done for comedy. Jeremy Borash
announced Sting was the WCW World Heavyweight Champion of the world so maybe
Abyss was taking the place of Loch Ness or something.
Sting then hit the bottle.
Both the pills and the drinking variety. I personally wanted to slit my wrists
at this point as well, so I know how the Stinger felt. We then went to some more WCW stuff that seemed like it was
edited by a kid with attention deficit disorder. Randy Savage, DDP, Kevin Nash
and Goldberg were all involved and somehow Sting won. This was absolutely the
worst way to get over how exciting wrestling was at this period in time. Sting
was still portraying himself as a guy who didn’t party with the others (and I
guess the association with ring rats) but had a pivotal scene in which he found
a letter from his wife Sue in his gear bag. The letter basically told Sting that
they needed help or that she would leave him. This wasn’t really followed up on
much because we then went to a Steel Cage handicap match between Sting and
America’s Most Wanted. Don't ask me, I didn't write the damn movie. In this
match AMW was putting the boots to Sting in one corner when a cloud of smoke
came up and Sting appeared behind them. I must have missed that match. Sting
then beat both guys who backstage sources report were “boo boo facing” after the
match.
The DVD then went to a
section that dealt with Sting and the whole “dropping from the ceiling” thing.
We meet another outrageous character who tells Sting, “They (WCW) must think
you’re pretty hot stuff to pay me the fee that I demanded in order to teach you
how to fly.” Does anyone actually talk like this? Cue: montage of Sting's
drops over the years in WCW. Sting made it clear that while he was making all
the money in the world at this time he was still “MISERABLE!” Out of nowhere
Sting then went to a Promise Keeper convention but immediately went back to
wrestling on the road, and presumably back to drugs. This is crazy. Even worse
was yet another nonsensical montage of wrestling scenes that were more confusing
than exiting.
Sting then got a call in
the middle of the night from his wife Sue and she wanted to know if he was
alone. “WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!” Sting was not happy with this. After
countless thousands of movies I knew this scene would end with Sting
hanging up the phone, pause for a second, and then have a girl reveal herself
from the covers. Well, that part of the scene never came. Where did we go next?
To a photo shoot from BIZARRO WORLD in which Sting, in a suit no less
(and facepaint, natch), took glamour shots while posing with WCW action
figures and other assorted merchandise. Sting collectible plates, Sting kites,
action figures and WOW magazine were some of the items featured. God, all I can
think of right now is getting a set of Sting collectible plates for my
girlfriend as a Christmas present. The look on her face would be the greatest
Punk’d EVER. And then we could use the plates to serve Christmas dinner
to her parents. It would be like a DOUBLE PUNK’D. ”I’m Ashton Kutcher. I’M
AWESOME!”
Next up was my favorite
segment of the movie when ANOTHER reporter made his way to Sting’s dressing
room. This kid even had his face painted like Sting. I can’t tell you how great
this was because the reporter acted like that guy in those great NFL apparel
commercials that hides in the N.Y. Giants' dirty laundry. Anyhoo, this kid was writing an article
“for the internet” and said he heard Sting had “found religion.” Sting wanted to
know where he found that out. “The web.” All these quotes I use? They are
actual dialogue from the movie! No, I'm not kidding!
I swear to God I didn’t make that last line
up.
The reporter kept acting
like the biggest goof and said there was a girl in his college “who thinks she’s
the Undertaker.” That's it, THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER. The
discussion got around to Sting joining the NWO and Sting said that while he had
a great time, "it was the beginning of the end for WCW.” We even got to see what
probably was the real beginning of the end, Hogan versus Sting from Starrcade,
the one in which Bret Hart came in, and was one of the worst executed Big
Matches in wrestling history. Even Sting admitted the match didn’t live up to
the hype. Why is ANY of this on the DVD?! Sting called this particular
Starrcade, “The biggest selling PPV in the history of PPVs…any
PPVs.”
I take everything back,
everyone needs to get this movie just to see this scene. It ends in the funniest
way possible as the reporter asked Sting to acknowledge him on the way to the
ring and Sting said, “why don’t we become a tag team?” The kid was all excited
and Sting then yelled, “GET OUT OF HERE!” I love this
movie!!!!
Then we got
serious.
I guess the “Moment of Truth” came next as it looked like
Sting had an acid trip when he was encountering all his vices. He ran into
weirdos with money, drugs and alcohol. The credits said that zombies were
in this scene but I didn’t see any of those. STING OF THE DEAD, coming soon to a
theatre near you. Sting was then trapped on an operating table, inside a steel
cage, while crazy doctors were about to operate on him. There were several
wrestlers standing on the cage watching this and it was clearly the most insane
thing I have ever seen in a movie… ever. After this Sting “woke up” in
his hotel room and quickly went to the ground and prayed for Jesus (or God, I
have no idea) to save his soul. I often pray in front of the TV as well, but
usually on Sundays and almost invariably it is for my Fantasy Football
Team.
And that was it. A closing
title said that Sting and his wife saved their marriage along with other “feel
good” bits.
The
End.
WTF?
“Worst. Movie. Ever.” –
Comic Book Guy
Bonus Features: Trailer of the movie. Director’s
commentary. A not so interesting “making of” feature and a much better “behind
the scenes” one. It’s worth noting the credits as well because it appears to
have personal home movies from Sting’s life running throughout and you get to
find out stuff like Ryan Wilson (TNA’s Titus) played a young Ultimate Warrior.
It also had Bert Prentice as playing Rick Bassman.
An interesting end note:
after finishing this DVD I sent it off to the state of Washington for Bryan
Alvarez to review. If you are a F4Wonline.com subscriber, Click
HERE to read
Bryan's review of this Hollywood classic. Anyway, to this date Bryan has not
sent the DVD back, a fact that Sean Radican reminds me every single day.
Overall
thoughts: While there is a high camp factor for Sting: Moment of Truth, I
can’t see anyone except the hardest of hardcore Sting really wanting this. The
songs are bad. The script is bad. The montages are beyond bad. I need to track
down to see how this movie played to the Christian crowd, as it is definitely
more marketed towards them than your average wrestling fan, and that's saying
something since the movie is all about wrestling!
Click
HERE if you
really want it though and who knows, get a couple people together and you could
have a great Mystery Science Theatre 3000 experience goofing on it. It’s no
Mitchell, but then again, what
is?
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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