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There is No Drug Problem in TNA.

By " Dixie Carter"

TNA President

Howdy folks, it sure looks like a bunch of them thar city slickers got their britches tied up in a knot recently over the WWE Talent Wellness Program. I reckon I understand Vince McMahon wanted to help rid his company of the filth and excess that it is comprised of. Thankfully TNA Wrestling has no drug problem and has no need for a "wellness program." Land sakes, I can't even imagine how I would look in the Lord's eyes if I ran a wrestling company with a bunch of talent either taking steroids or partook to the Devil's sinful candy of alcohol and drugs!

It seems that a lot of the wrestlers up North can't seem to get from here to there without sticking a needle up their ass or snorting some china blue up their nose. I'm proud to say that down here in God's Country we're a little bit more laid back. When we talk about a wrestler "on the juice" in Orlando , we're talking about 100% natural Florida Orange Juice, not that growth hormone I've been reading about. Did you know they give that stuff to cows? Heavens to Betsy!

Have any of you had a chance to read that policy drafted by Vince McMahon? I darn near had a case of the giggles while going through it. Masking agents?  Why would I want to put a mask on Terry Taylor?  He's still dreamy for his age. We don't even have those lucha libre-type wrestlers in TNA as we're not sure they could adapt to our revolutionary six sided ring. I'm not going to discount the talent of a masked wrestler such as Rey Mysterio, but in TNA we like to be able to see the faces of our wrestlers as a wrestler who feels the need to hide his face probably has other things he's trying to hide as well.

You also need to be a champion Scrabble player just to be able to read parts of this wellness program. Check out some of these "prohibited drugs": Androstendiol? Dihydroepiandoesterone? Dromostanolone? I don't even know how to pronounce those words let alone feel a reason to test for them. Furazabol? Wasn't he a character in the Lord of the Rings? Trenbolone? I think I had that at the Olive Garden last week with some marinara sauce and some meatballs. If TNA bans pasta we'll be sued by every Italian-American from Bruno Sammartino to Tony Danza for racial discrimination. If I have a list of drugs that are banned in TNA, I want them to be drugs everyone knows. Crack. Weed. That ecstasy stuff that I hear all the kids are taking. Those jugs with the two XX's on it. You know what I mean.

I'll admit we did have one drug abuser in the company, but I dealt with the situation as fast as possible and that's why you don't see Shane Douglas on our iMPACT television show or pay per views anymore. I think we all realize now that goofy yelling was a cry for help. I'm not going to have an admitted drug user on the roster when I could fill that spot with a more deserving, and clean, individual such as a B.G. James or a Scott Steiner. I'm not here to reward poor decision making, I'm here to promote natural, drug free athletes!

One thing I do agree with WWE is seeing a "reasonable cause for testing." I'm not blind, and if I see someone with a problem in TNA (like Shane Douglas) I'll address the issue with them before taking corrective action. WWE sees chronic forgetfulness, irritability, mood swings, and presence of abnormal thoughts or ideas as "reasonable cause." If I were to use that guideline I'd have to test our entire roster and booking staff on a daily basis. No thanks, in fact I have my own list of suspicious activity and it includes:

 

1)      Having the sexual relations with Joanie "Chyna Doll" Laurer

2)      Repeatedly missing flights from North Carolina to Orlando

3)      Refusing to put over TNA talent without hitting multiple Diamond Cutters first

4)      Having an office in the back of a pick-up truck

5)      Naming Y'allself after a character from one of them fancy Marvel picture books.

6)      Working for them there Rings of Honor

7)      Booboo facing about lack of push

8)      Wearing white jeans with an orange shirt

9)      Reading that cotton-pickin' Jerry Jarrett's awful book about TNA

10)   Talent announcing they are gay, or not, on their website (ickey)

With those safeguards in place, I'm confident when I say that there is no need for TNA Wrestling to have a silly wellness program. With all due respect to the McMahon clan, I think it is clear that there's only one organization in professional wrestling that is a clean and safe environment for all wrestlers to work in.  God bless TNA, y'all.

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at Wrestling Observer and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Figure Four Weekly online~! Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity and goofiness at WrestleCrap as well. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@gumgod.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).