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The wrestling world is being hit with one big story after another in the past few months. The return of ECW. The return of DX. Rob Van Dam and Sabu being arrested on drug charges. One news item that slipped under the radar was an event that occurred at Ring of Honor's "Best in the World" show in New York City back in March. ROH fans were asked to fold up their own chairs and return them after the show ended. Little did the fans know they were merely a test case for the introduction of….

CLUB ROH!

Club ROH brings each and every fan closer to "the business" than they ever thought they could be. Sure, many fans check out the internet on a near hourly basis while the true hardcore fans read all the gossip on the dirtsheets and post their outrage anonymously on messageboards, but nothing can prepare YOU to be "one of the boys" like Ring of Honor's exciting new ticketing package! For an extremely low fee, fans can upgrade their Ring of Honor live event tickets to one of four exciting new plans, SILVER, GOLD, PLATINUM and ULTIMATE!

This is not a hoax! This is not a dream! This is what YOU have been waiting for! Finally an opportunity for the faithful ROH fans to become part of the action. A chance to be on the inside!

Read below for the exciting details on ROH's exclusive offer to its invaluable fanbase.

SILVER: For just a measly $10 dollars, ROH fans can upgrade to the SILVER package which allows them the honor of:

Taking tickets! - Anyone who has been to a Ring of Honor knows how important this job can be. The art of taking a ticket and ripping it in half is one of wrestling's time tested traditions that has been handed down from generation to generation and now can be taught to YOU!

Alphabetizing DVDs on the world famous ROH gimmick table! - With ROH, Full Impact Pro, SHIMMER, Straight Shootin's, and many other fantastic DVD releases being released at such a frenzy pace, we need dedicated fans who know every letter from A to Z to keep the gimmick table in proper order! It takes a special fan who knows where to place a copy of IWC Hell Hath No Fury 2 and where to place a Forever Hardcore: Director's Cut. Are YOU that fan?

Tie-wrap front row chairs together! - There's only one way we can get 26 chairs in a space where only 20 would normally fit, and that is to tie-wrap them together to ensure a close-knit group. ROH fans love the intimacy of a live setting and we provide this service at no extra charge.

Who would have thought such honors and benefits could come with such a small buy-in? In wrestling this is called "paying your dues" and you can finally experience this first hand with Club ROH!

GOLD: True ROH fans demand an even higher level of satisfaction when they go to a show. For just $25, ROH fans can upgrade to the GOLD package, allowing them the opportunity to:

Work the refreshment stand! - How many places do you know that can sell half a pretzel and get away with it? At Ring of Honor, we INNOVATE, not imitate! We need hard working individuals to make sure warm cans of soda and three dollar bottles of water end up in the hands of thirsty fanatics. Are YOU up to the task?!

Pick up talent at airport and drive them to show! - Road trip!

Work the credit card machine at gimmick table! - An experience that is truly once-in-a-lifetime! Technology has finally allowed ROH to accept Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Diner's Club among forty major and minor forms of credit.

Now you can see how deeply committed the entire Ring of Honor family is into making sure each and every ROH fan has an unforgettable experience that they will be taking about on their podcasts and MySpace blogs for years to come!

PLATINUM: For the serious fan only, Club ROH's PLATINUM package is a once in a lifetime experience you can enjoy each and every show! For only $75 per ticket, you will be able to:

Bring ROH booker Gabe Sapolsky or Samoa Joe coffee throughout the show! - A practice handed down from the glory years of ECW, one lucky fan per show will have the honor and privilege to provide ROH's two greatest assets - the mind of booker Gabe Sapolsky and the body of Samoa Joe - with refreshment as needed. Can you tell the difference between Equal and Sweet & Low? If so, this may be the perfect slot for you!

Have the opportunity to work a match on the preshow against ROH students! - Think about it, who hasn't dreamed of one day "lacing them up" and stepping into the ring with future greats such as Shane Hagadorn, Davey Andrews or Bobby and Derek Dempsey?! And for an extra five spot, YOU can go over!

Inform talent of which independent shows they aren't allowed to work on! - There's a lot of letters out there, TNA, JAPW, AWA, PWG, UXW, WSX, and seemingly a million others! Whew! It's up to the braintrust of ROH to make sure our valuable talent isn't misused by incompetent and greedy promoters who will take advantage of the trusting nature of our boys! YOU can be the all important middle man, bringing the message of the office to the valuable talent!

ULTIMATE PACKAGE: This is where we separate the true ROH fans from the rest of the pack. For just $250 dollars, the following can be yours:

Apply tanning bronzer to talent backstage! - Everyone knows that the lighting at an ROH show is the benchmark for all indy wrestling and we pride ourselves on that. To look their best under those lights, ROH talent needs several coats of tanning bronzer applied before heading to the ring. Have you ever wanted to rub the back of AJ Styles or the calf muscle of Austin Aries? Well now is your chance!

Pick the music to get fans fired up before the show! What an awesome responsibility. To get fans in the mood, ROH plays incredibly loud music for up to two full hours before a show. With the ULTIMATE package, we give you the rare opportunity to pick the songs played in front of our demanding fans. That's right! We'll give you Now, That's What I Call Hard Rock vol 1 and Now, That's What I Call Hard Rock vol 2 and the rest is up to YOU!

Dunn & Marcos & YOU! - Even though the group Special K is gone, ROH has found a way to get even the most untalented person a chance to appear on a live event show. Be able to step in the same ring that only true legends, such as Low Ki, Christopher Daniels, and Kid Mikaze, have stepped in before.

Don't be left out in the cold!

Join CLUB ROH today!

Derek Burgan can be seen wasting everyone's time with wrestling DVD and comic book reviews over at Wrestling Observer and the world famous Wrestling Enjoyment Index at Figure Four Weekly online~! Don't forget about his Opinion Pieces at World Wrestling Insanity and goofiness at WrestleCrap as well. Whew! Derek can be reached at: derek@gumgod.com

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).