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TNA to hold LOCKDOWN in legit Prison to accommodate Jeff Hardy.

by Sean Carless; Photoshops by Catherine Perez

March 23, 2011



Moore County, NC - Lethal Lockdown; for TNA enthusiasts it has become an annual event; a match housed within the unforgiving and inescapable confines of a steel cage. For former TNA World Champion Jeff Hardy, if lawyers fail, it may become a permanent home.

TNA officials, fearing their meal-ticket's impending departure and subsequent incarceration, have already thought of a surefire solution to their woes, however: writing TV that makes sense and paying the undercard talent what they're worth MOVING THE ENTIRE PAY-PER-VIEW to the North Carolina Department of Corrections! They feel that, by broadcasting from the Prison itself, they will at least guarantee that not only Jeff Hardy shows up, but due to the stringent testing and pat-downs that will follow, he'll show up in actual condition to compete disappointingly.

But how does the Charismatic Enigma himself feel about the prospect of wrestling amongst those whom could potentially accost and molest him in the shower-rooms afterwards?

"JBL is coming to TNA?" a bewildered and confused Jeff Hardy then asked somewhat innocently, not quite understanding the grave connotation of our question, applying orange make-up to his face so to match the customary brightly-colored jumper of the D.O.C. "Haven't they hired enough cast-offs here already?"

As for the other competitors involved --those TNA wrestlers who'd fill out the remainder of the card-- despite the inherent dangers of battling amongst murderers and drug addicts (Not this), many are actually very excited to be wrestling in front of such a large house - in addition to inquiring if they themselves can seek permanent refuge there, claiming that being relegated to Explosion is like a life-sentence anyway, and the laundry room and License-plate-press at least pays more.

But what can we expect from the show itself - besides painful sodomy? (A finish Orlando Jordan had apparently suggested for months in TNA, regardless). The answers may not surprise you.

Before his WWE reemergence, Kevin Nash was set to return on this night to his former "Oz" gimmick; only this time tweaked in favor of the popular late 90's HBO TV show of the same name; a transition Nash himself was said to initially embrace since, for he, it has been 1998 for 13 years and counting.

However, according to Jeremy Borash (before strangely wishing death upon our families) the big man ultimately balked when he learned that his role would then include inciting the Prison's Muslim brotherhood, murdering an undercover NARC by shoving him down an open chasm, and jabbing an incarcerated Mafioso Don with an AIDS-infected needle.

"Can't I just get X-Pac and Hall to maybe shit in his salad or something?" Nash was reputed to answer, moments after pinning Samoa Joe for no apparent logical reason, before leaving the company forever, Grecian-5 formula in-hand.

Undeterred by the loss of Nash, and already thinking ahead and moving forward with a Plan B, TNA geared up instead for the event's proposed multi-man main event elimination match - an elimination match in every sense of the word...

"Vince Russo really wants to book a reverse execution match," another insider revealed, Terry Taylor, who wishes to remain anonymous for the sake of his job he does terribly. "16 wrestlers start outside a gas chamber. The last one still on the outside, alive, after the other 15 have entered and expired, gets shot dead by the armed guards anyway.”

"It's not too popular an idea thus far," Taylor then only continued, clucking his neck, clutching a dog-eared 1989 glossy WWF promo pic of himself as a single tear rolled down his cheek. "But Vince insisted that everyone would expect us to not murder a quarter of our roster. We’re going with the surprise factor."

When we ourselves attempted to ask Russo himself about this controversial idea and further booking plans, we soon learned that, after watching a video of his cumulative works to gain familiarity with the product they’d be hosting, North Carolina justice officials have already turned Russo into the Federal government, where he is now residing on death row in Guantanamo Bay for crimes against humanity. His subsequent pleas of a clemency pole match fell on deaf ears from there.

Irregardless of Russo's expected demise, one that prime witness Jim Cornette is said to be personally FLYING in to watch --thus breaking his own self-imposed ban on air travel-- the show is still said to be stubbornly going forward, hook or crook, despite another apparent snafu; one that could threaten the entire outcome of the show; one that apparently involves Jeff Hardy's brother, Matt - who is said to be integral to the event and its needed climax.

"The closing of the pay-per-view is supposed to see Matt help Jeff escape the entire penitentiary by smuggling in a giant cake with a file inside," Taylor revealed. "But none of us trust Matt around that much pastry.

"If we can't figure this out, and soon, Jeff might have to spend the next 20 years breaking rocks, instead of just smoking them."

More on this story as it develops, then is dropped for no reason, and never spoken of again. TNA Creative would have wanted it that way.

COMING SOON:

IS RANDY ORTON A POLYGAMIST?

After witnessing what appeared to be three entirely different women as the Viper's wife on WWE television over the last several years, we FINALLY confronted Randy Orton with one simple query: "ARE YOU A POLYGAMIST?"

"You don't know what you're talking about. Polygamist!? I've never even took Geometry in school!" he then answered.

Just what is REALLY going on here? And which Orton wears the pants in this family? (Quick answer: NO ONE. EVER. ). More to come on the Orton "Big Love" scandal soon!

WWE TO BUILD PHYSICAL HALL OF FAME IN RIO DE JANEIRO.

After years of holding ceremonies with no physical building, and no physical invitations for people with last names "Sammartino" and umm, "Macho Man Savage", WWE has finally began construction on the structure that will house the legendary monuments of WWE lore like James Dudley's chauffer's hat and Pete Rose's chicken head. And where better to build this legendary new Hall than a place where some of history's greatest matches never really took place? Construction begins soon! Maybe! Who'd know, either way?

THE ROCK TO MEET JOHN CENA AT WRESTLEMANIA IN FIRST-EVER "NO HOLDS USED MATCH"

This one is actually happening, sadly...

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).