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REVENGE OF THE SHIT: WWE BUILDING DEATH STAR?

by Sean Carless

February 23, 2011




Stamford, CT... and beyond - The WWE Universe; it is a phrase that we have all become accustomed to hearing in the last several years, but it's one that-- if a source who recently came forward is correct-- just may soon become a literal way of life for all sentient beings, if Vince McMahon's nefarious plans ever come to full fruition.

"WWE is building a Death Star," claims Brian Gewirtz, who wishes to remain anonymous for his own safety. "It's a plan that has been in the works for the last ten years."

This shocking truth recently came out after a Senatorial campaign, ran by McMahon's wife Linda, ultimately failed.

"He has been building a roid clone army since 2000," Gewirtz continued. "To keep it secret, he eventually moved the operation-- and all the identical clones-- from Louisville to Florida."

However, the diabolical Mr. McMahon wasn't finished there. The senate seat was only the beginning, apparently. Eventually, the plan was to dissolve the entire Senate altogether, to use these identical musclemen to overthrow detractors with spine-busters (A.K.A. Order: HGH), and then name himself as Supreme Chancellor... and eventual Emperor.

"He really has like, zero idea how politics work," Gewirtz laughed.

But where does the actual Death Star come into McMahon's plot? Gewirtz was reluctant to answer.

"We in Creative only learned of its actual existence several weeks ago," he instead revealed. "At first we heard they had this huge obtuse ball that didn't work properly. We, of course, assumed they meant Husky Harris, because of the explained proportions. But the truth was, it was much, much worse; and was even capable of being utilized and filled by many men at once; a feat only matched by backstage producer & WWE legend Pat Patterson in the mid-1980's."

The first-hand sight of it, however, apparently shocked many of his co-workers, with most even assuming that the gigantic battle station was simply a moon. Gewirtz quickly corrected them.

"That's no moon," he had replied, flustered, before being fined then and there by nearby officials for using the term; one that, we were then told, was on a banned list, along with "belt", "Wrestling", "Battle Royale", and "Macho Man Savage".

"I should have answered, 'That's no planetary surround sphere,'" Gewirtz explained. "That would be the current accepted terminology this week."

It, indeed, was no planetary surround sphere. It was so much more. Although, we've since learned that WWE only has intentions of using it to maybe 10% of its full potential, as per company procedure.

The alleged Death Star, when completed, is also said to cost in excess of a trillion dollars: the cost of over nine-hundred and ninety-nine trillion Chaperones starring Triple H; or one fiscal loss of a single XFL football season. It even recently tested its weaponry... but that test went horribly awry.

"Vince was yelling in the headset of the technician powering up its death-ray, and that man accidentally leveled Detroit in the confusion," Gewirtz admitted before continuing, "Strangely, no one seemed to notice, though, and life went on from there as usual."

The second test, however, proved ultimately successful, a beam of pure energy projected from space that obliterated its first scheduled target with ease: Orlando, Florida.

"We ourselves luckily only suffered one collateral loss in the attack," Gewirtz barked with pride. "Mike Graham, who was 'scouting' in a Florida strip club at the time, whilst bragging to anyone who'd listen that he himself invented the Death Star... and everything else connected to the industry/astrophysics. We ultimately shrugged and never looked back, though, because for the life of us, we couldn't really recall what he actually did here for a living, or why anyone ever cared about him. Oh well."

Even with its destructiveness clearly evident, and with nothing of value truly lost, (although Gewirtz claimed that the destruction of the TNA Impact Zone in Universal Studios was like, "a hundred jaded voices suddenly crying out in terror, trying to get themselves over at the expense of the show, only to then be suddenly silenced) the über weapon has still apparently hit a minor roadblock, according to the terrible writer.

"Vince still wants it bigger," Gewirtz predictably informed us. "It was kind of undersized for his liking, despite it having no bearing on its ability, so he brought in a scientist named Zahorian -- and it's since increased 35% in mass in like, 2 weeks."

What does this actually mean for US, and just what is McMahon's intention with the vaunted space-bound destroyer upon its accepted completion? Gewirtz was again hesitant to answer, but eventually caved when we feigned laughing at three separate jokes involving poop, homosexuals, and pooping homosexuals.

"Blackmail," Gewirtz then better explained. "Pure and simple. Embrace John Cena or face total genocidal annihilation."

We here at TWF don't know which scenario holds grimmer and more terrifying long-term ramifications. Clearly, we're fucked either way.

*This just in: UFC, under Dana White's supervision, is said to have already built a Death Star of their very own; one allegedly ten times the WWE's size, power & potency. It's already said to be aimed at a small Russian Airport for some strange reason. More on this story as it develops.

Send Feedback to Sean Carless

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).