HAND IN HAND: WWE pro grappling "gentle giant" reunited with his estranged son
January 22, 2011
"No one ever told me," Henry told reporters, tugging on his beard in confused distraction, as if still trying to put it all together. "I remember the other Rasslers always sayin' to me what they was gonna do in the middle of our matches. I just figured they was terrible at strategy."
In the face of accusations of his relationship to the rubber hand, and his affair with the hand's mother (elderly, semi-retired woman grappler Mae Young) being a sham written for the sole purpose of entertainment, Henry was again baffled. Upon further explanation of how his entire WWE career had been predetermined and scripted -- the cameras in strange places, the intercourse with the elderly, the transvestite fellatio --, he merely scratched his head.
"Predetermined? Cameras? Storylines?" a shocked Henry again asked, before smiling as if a revelation had suddenly come over him. "So this means Owen, Bulldog, Mr. Perfect, Hawk, Crash, Eddie, Test - they still all alive?!" he then bellowed joyously.
We didn't have the heart to tell him "no, the company really killed them," however.
Luckily for the former Sexual Chocolate, the news did get better.
Despite the unrelenting ridicule from his co-workers, Henry still spent the last ten years on a desperate search for his son/the elusive McRib sandwich that he had heard was so delicious, yet so unattainable. The search for the former finally paid off a month ago, when Henry and his hand child, now 10 years old, shared a tearful reunion outside of a WWE event, where the hand was eagerly seeking John Cena's autograph whilst wearing "The Champ's" paraphernalia on each oversized finger that made up his unusual body.
"I'm not gonna lie, when I saw him, I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy," a booming Henry insisted about the child's disturbing appearance, reminiscing, searching the sweat-stained singlet he was still strangely wearing for a candy bar seemingly tucked away within an unseen crevice. "I mean, man, that Cena merch is terrible."
After his auspicious birth and brief storage in a secret WWE vault-- alongside the bound body of former wrestling standout Randy "Macho Man" Savage and the unedited version of the 50 Greatest Superstars of All Time DVD--, the young hand, unbeknownst to his father, was then reared in an orphanage for disembodied and detached WWE parts, eventually growing up alongside deposed others such as Kerry Von Erich's foot, Zach Gowen's cancer leg, Chyna's penis, and Ted DiBiase, Jr.'s personality.
When pressed for comment about this unusual upbringing, the young hand itself was strangely silent. Its lack of mouth may have played a part. His father, however, was a little more forthcoming. Kind of.
"I wasn't ready to be a father/professional wrestler," Henry soon explained, thinking back to the night of his son's birth with a heart heavy, and likely covered in 3 inches of cholesterol. "All I remembered was that Pat Patterson reachin' both hands into a dark hole, winking at me, and sayin' 'just another day at the office! I tuned out everything else after that."
It was a mere days later that he realized that he had made a terrible mistake in letting his only son go/wearing red instead of the much more slimming black.
However, after a brief rocky road-- and countless other flavors of ice cream--, the happy father and son, --since rechristened "The World's Strongest Hand"--, are now living together and trying their best to make their new lives work. The child has even already taken on many of his father's traits. Within days of their reunion, it had already instinctually bent most of the frying pan's in the kitchen and torn all the phone books in the house in two - an act of inherited strength that initially angered his usually jovial father as there was now no way to prepare/order dinner. And of course the standard 2nd and 3rd dinners. The child also broke every finger on his body and injured three neighborhood children in the process.
Despite insisting that these hiccups are just transitory and they'll eventually find their groove, like any father, Henry still worries about his son's future.
"There's not a lot of suitable hand-jobs out there," he revealed ignorantly, but innocently. "But we's not gonna accept just any hand-outs," he then continued, again naively deadpan, holding his last frying pan. Then bending it. Just because.
Luckily, the good people behind the Hamburger Helper brand have since come to the Henrys' aid regardless, offering a potential spokesperson deal to the unique child, if and when he's ready.
"I'm just glad he'll be helping people," the proud papa revealed soon after hearing the news, before being informed of what it really meant and where he could get some. "Maybe one day he can take up Rasslin, too. Without feet, he'd be a shoe-in to win the Royal Rumble. Or a glove-in."
When met with silence, Henry let out a nervous laugh. "This why we don't get to write our own promos," he then revealed with egg on his face. Literal egg; a leftover remnant from a seemingly bountiful breakfast.
"But I not too worried," he then continued optimistically, soon cradling the stoic human-limb that is his son in his massive arms. "Even though I told them the boy can't talk and seems to have no personality, Vince just shrugged his shoulders, handed him a ticket to FCW, and said, 'He'll fit right in.'"
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Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.
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