U.S. hero with golden trunks becomes homeless man

by Catherine Perez and Sean Carless

January 15, 2011

Orlando, FL - Once a national icon who inspired millions to train, say their prayers, and eat their vitamins, semi-retired pro wrestler Hulk Hogan has become the new, American riches-to-dew-rags cautionary tale.

Hulk Hogan enjoyed mega-stardom in the mid-1980s and early 1990s as part of the World Wrestling Federation, where he achieved awe-inspiring feats of strength such as bodyslamming a 700-pound Andre the Giant-- a feat that not only ultimately led to Andre's death weeks later, but to global warming, the election of George W. Bush in 2000, and season 2 of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, as well.

"I wish I had saved some of those vitamins, bruther," said Hogan, fashioning a makeshift bandana from a discarded newspaper business section. "Some of them were chewable. I haven't eaten in weeks. Or pinned anybody."

Hogan, 57, is now homeless and desperate for work after a short few years of having his hard-earned money and a solid gold toilet seat siphoned from him by a greedy ex-wife. The repercussions of having a painfully stupid son and a largely talentless daughter only helped to exacerbate Hogan's current predicament.

"I'm just looking for a second chance, dude," continued the suddenly bashful Hulk, scratching his dimpled chin as he pondered. "I'd work for maybe half the gate. I'd do it front of only 20,000 people, too. I'm flexible."

Researchers at TheSmokingGun.com revealed a bombshell this week; that Hogan has a lengthy criminal history, something that no other hobo in American history has ever had. He became addicted to Hulkamania in 1983 and had been arrested for possession of Hulkamaniac paraphernalia countless times, eventually pleading No-Contest, and one double-disqualification. He said he has been clean for six weeks (or a matter of hours in our time).

Hogan was discovered early last year by a man named Eric Bischoff, who previously sold meat from the back of a truck in Minneapolis, MN. Since becoming an internet and TV sensation after a video that demonstrated his amazing ability to bodyslam incredibly heavy objects garnered millions of hits on YouTube, Hogan has come across numerous job offers from Rent-A-Center and, well, that's it. Still, he feels remorse every day for not seeking the help he desperately needed decades ago/pinning Randy Savage one more time when he had the chance.

"They think you're really invincible," revealed a tearful Hogan, seemingly looking within. "But what they don't realize is, you carry the weight of the world on your barn-door back."

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Catherine Perez is a proud owner of three e-mails from WWE's legal department, which she regularly prints out for when all the toilet paper runs out. She was the first person to call the Ghostbusters after witnessing something strange in her neighborhood, and is thus immortalized in a song that was made popular four years before her birth. Catherine enjoys collecting vintage WWF t-shirts, painting on her clothing, and the smell of crushed dreams in the mornings. She also shot J.R.

Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, Wrestlecrap, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.